WHEEL OF FORTUNE
by dave-d
Summary: Why were people from so many villages gathering together?  What was the reason for painting names on a humongous wheel?  Who was behind the scheme?  Why were so many women told to gather?  Why is Naruto stressing out?
1. View from above

**Author's note:**

_The first chapter basically sets the scene. The second chapter will paint the picture. The third and later chapters will take the ball and run with it._

_The story owes a great debt to_ Narutopedia _at Wikia dot com._

_Warning: the story may not go the way that most people will want or expect._

_x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

Konohagakure.

The Village Hidden Among The Leaves.

One of the five Great Ninja Villages. A village with a storied past. A community that once again stands in the shadow of the great Hokage Monument. If the stone faces carved into the mountain could see, they would spy a wondrous scene below them. If they could speak, they would tell a tale of the events that that led up to the festive occasion spreading across that rebuilt hamlet.

In the time before there were any shinobi villages, ninja were orgainized into small mercenary clans, whose only occupation and hobbies revolved around fighting, killing, and fighting again. Today, down in the noisy town, groups of merchants and hawkers were doing their best to relive those days in a less brutal business way, moving singly or _en masse_ in attempts to grab the best selling ground or court the most customers, leaving bloddied noses and contented smiles in their wake.

In the earliest days, the Senju clan and Uchiha clan had been the mightiest of the countless shinobi groups. When the former offered a truce to the latter, a ninja by the name of Madara Uchiha had refused at first, until the remainder of his clan had forced him to accept. As a result, those two clans... and all of the people that the two clans had defeated... came together to form the Hidden Village of the Land of Fire. By means of his remarkable wood release jutsus, Hashirama Senju created a large majority of Konoha's framework, greatly reducing the effort and materials needed to build the nascent community. For that reason, he was selected to be the first leader of the village. The First Hokage.

Because of his unique back ground, the current Leaf shinobi Yamato possesses some of the same skills as the First Hokage. Yamato had played a large role in the rebuilding of Konaha, following its destruction at the hands of Nagato and his Six Paths of Pain. Yamato may have the skills of a former Hokage, but he has no desire to ever accept the Tri-corner hat himself. By coincidence, his young charge was the _de facto_ representative of the Senju clan in this later day. Uzumaki Naruto, a young man known to everyone, would likely be Hokage some day. That is, he would be if he lived through the constant threats that a jinchiruuki faced. And, of course, if he survived the day's big affair.

Down below in the village, soon to increasingly distracted by the events that would unfold, Naruto was busy arguing the case to pardon Uchiha Sasuke, who was the sole remaining holder of the Uchiha torch. The sullen and spiteful young man had been captured at the end of the recent Shinobi War, and currently showed little inclination towards a reconcilliation with the village that he viewed to be responsible for the death of his parents and clan. The horrible and unforgiveable burden that Danzō Shimura and the Konoha Council had placed on Itachi's shoulders... the same brother that Sasuke had grown up hating and wanting to kill... still haunted the captured criminal, and likely would for the rest of his life.

There was much for the elders of Konaha to think about when it came to the Uchiha clan, even on a festive day like this. How could there not be? So many webs were spun by Madara Uchiha for so many years, that the best minds in the village had only begun assembling well known facts and tenuous secrets. The most dilligent workers had only started separating the truth from fiction. Some facts were widely known and unquestioned, however. Every villager learned as a child, how the late Madara had tried to overthrow the First Hokage, fighting him and losing at the Valley of the End, the same site that Naruto and Sasuke had fought at years later. Madara's loss had brought Konoha control of Kyuubi, the infamous Nine-Tailed demon fox, a powerful Bijuu which from that point forward would come to be sealed away within successive members of the Uzumaki clan, a family that the Senju had close ties to. That decision paved the way for the events that formed the crux of Naruto's life. Furthermore, Madara, Akatsuki, and former Akatsuki members such as Orochimaru had helped our hero become the man he was today Those evil influnces had helped shape the despised and hated Naruto into a loved and respected icon. An icon who was at the center of the world's attention this afternoon.

If the faces on the Hokage Monument could taste, they might scowl with a bitter taste on their tongues, looking down upon the hustle and bustle of the men and women below. For every two Leaf villagers accounted for, there seemed to one person from a different village, with each and every of the known villages being well represented. There were different dialects to be heard. There was different clothing to be seen. There were different jutsus being being taught and shown off. The last time that so many different customs intermingled had come during the recent Shinobi World War, which had recently ended and had brought the great Villages close again. However, those stone faces would remember an earlier time, when the clash of so many different customs was far less sanguine.

After the confrontation at the Valley of the End, when the village of Konoha had decided to keep the Demon Fox, the leaders of the Leaf also decided to give the other tailed-beasts to the other newly formed villages. Those foreward thinkers had wanted to provide balance. They had wished to foster a long-lived peace. As Robert Burns wrote in a Scots play in 1785, 'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men ... Gang aft agley,' which in more modern words would read 'The best-laid plans of mice and men... Often go awry'. The hoped for peace had little time to take root. The Leaf found itself involved in the three successive Shinobi Wars. And later, as everyone now knew, Madara would take actions to collect those Bijuu back. Interesting enough, that evil master-mind once singled out a certain young man who kept delaying things and getting in his way. Yes. You know who that young man was. Uzumaki Naruto.

Naruto himself was like a human peace pipe. For those with a dirty mind, it has nothing to do with his being sucked on. Instead, it has everything to do with the way that he could turns enemies into allies. In the town below, the young man in question had switched from making attempts at repatriating a friend to making efforts to fill his belly. He danced from foot to foot, practically drooling, as he awaited a high heaped bowl of complimetary ramen being spooned out by his favorite cook, Teuchi. His mouth was going non-stop as his stomach prepared to do the same. Many of the men and women watching his antics had been foes before they became friends. Each one of them could think back to some defining act performed by the orange and black clad ninja. An act of courage. An act of kindness. An act of compassion. They were all there now because they were friends. But, was their acquiescing to the day's plan the act of friendship? Could the big occasion be the result of the machinations of some unknown enemy? Or, could it be another shady undertaking by Homura Mitakado and Koharu Utatane? When the Uchiha clan had begun planning to overthrow Konoha, those two elders knew that a_ coup d'état _would lead to another Shinobi War, so they threw Itachi to the wolves to help prevent such a tragedy. If they could blithely do something like that, what gain might they try to get from Naruto?

But, there was more to the story of Itachi and the slaughter of his clan. Before that fateful night, he had discovered that Madara still existed, and that the other Uchiha was planning to bring war to Konoha. He struck a deal with the older ninja. If Madara would refrain from attacking, Itachi would help him get revenge on the other Uchihas who had turned their back on him decades earlier, coincedentally carrying out the orders he had already been given. A deal made, the ANBU member kiled his entire clan overnight, sparing only Sasuke, who meant more to him than his entire village. To hide the Council's hand in things, and to provide a way for his brother to grow strong, he made himself out to be a villain who had simply wanted to test his strength. So, could the boiling pot of intrigue below be like the inside of a fancy timepiece, sporting wheels within wheels within wheels? Might Naruto actually be the one pulling the strings? Or, could he simply be using the opportunity to further his own desires?

The great Harishirama had perished during the first of the Great Wars. Tobirama Senju, his brother, replaced him as Hokage. That Second Hokage, who would be credited with the creation of the Academy... the ANBU... the Chūnin Exams... and the Konoha Military Police Force... also died during the fighting, killed by shinobi from the Village in the Clouds, the same village that years later attempted to kidnap Hyuuga Hinata in order to gain the secrets of the Byakugan. If they could feel emotions, the faces on the Hokage Monument might furrow their rocky brows, watching as the current Raikage sat at a table with his fellow Kage, enjoying frothy ales and recounting stories from the Fourth War. The tall and powerful man of dark complection, his left arm lost to Amaterasu's dreadful flames during Taka's invasion of the Kage Summit, slammed his mug down with anger as he watched the actics of his closest kin. Moments later, those same stone faces would be forced to hide a smile, watching the behavior of Killer Bee, as the jinchiruuki annoyed and amused countless revelers with his rowdy and ridiculous rap.

Hiruzen Sarutobi had been marked as Tobirama's successor before the Second Hokage's death, as all fans of the anime and manga know. Less well known were the Third Hokage's actions during the Second Shinobi War, which saw the Leaf fighting numerous skirmishes with Hanzō and various national armies deep within the Valley Hidden in Rain. The man who would subsequnetly grow old and wrinkled and turn out to be just as big a pervert as his pupil Jiraiya, later handed the Tri-corner hat over to Minato Namikase, Naruto's father-to-be. Konoha's Yellow Flash had earned that distinction by snatching victory from the jaws of defeat during the Third Shinobi war, which had found Konohagakure battling the Hidden Stone Village, fighting brutal clashes in the Land of Grass. Looking down below, the stone faces might enjoy a small play on words, seeing what they saw. Stone and grass.

Great stone fire pits were glowing, providing warmth to people with cold hands, and providing the burning wood and smoldering coals that were fueling one of the greatest tailgate parties in history. Performers dressed in long grass skirts were weaving their way hrough the crowds, playing spritely tunes on all manner of instruments and cajoling the people of many nations to join in song, some of which was dignified and uplifting, and some of which was bawdy and downright blush-inspring. Ōnoki, the Third Tsuchikage, was singing louder than anyone else. That short old man with the big red nose and large eyebrows was dressed in a grass skirt himself, dancing on a crowded table top much to the chagrin of his bodyguards Akatsuchi and Kurotsuchi. He began juggling empty beer mugs that the Raikage tossed his way.

The face of the Fourth Hokage, if it could cry, might shed a tear or two thinking about his role in the series of events that had lead to this very day. The stone Minato would reminisce about Kushina, the love of his life and Naruto's mother-to-be. That fiery young woman, born into the famed Uzumaki clan of Uzushiogakure, had originally been sent to Konoha to enroll in the Leaf's Shinobi Academy. Trying to make a strong first impression, she told everyone that she met that she would be the first female Hokage. Everyone laughed at her and called her 'Tomato'. Her violent response to the taunting students earned her the nickname the 'Hot-blooded Habenero'. At first she had thought her future husband to be a wimp. That is, she had thought him to be a big wuss _until _he rescued her from a kidnap attempt by a shinobi from... wait for it... the Village in the Clouds.

Could there be any coincidences in this narrative? Indeed there could. Below, in the joyful village, men and women worked hard crushing vats of tomatoes, helping to prepare the ingredients for a number of ethnic sauces whose recipes were contributed by foreign villages. A few of the concoctions featured hot peppers of many different kinds. And elsewhere, in a number of noteworthy instances, tossed tomatoes and pepper spray had been used to corner and corral a number of women and young ladies who were destined to play a major role the the evening's main event, and who had refused to join in things voluntarily. That coincidence covered, we return to the tale of Minato and Kusina, Konoha's Yellow Flash and the Red-haired Hot Habanero , the two parents who brought into being the future Orange Hokage. Married, the two had seemed to have a bright future, until Madara once against cast an evil shadow on the Hidden Leaf Village.

When it was time to give birth, Kushina had left the village in secret at the end of her ten-month pregnancy, because the seal on the Kyuubi would be weak during delivery. She hadn't wanted to place her fellow villagers at risk. Minato worked hard to maintain the seal, and members of Konoha's ANBU guarded the birthing site. But, soon after the delivery of the village's most unpredictable ninja, Madara killed the guards and kidnapped the baby as a hostage. Wanting to destroy the village that had caused him so much grief, the scheming shinobi released the Nine-Tailed demon fox from Naruto's mother. With the love of his life dying from that extraction, Minato using the _Dead Demon Consuming Seal _on the Bijuu and sealed it inside of his son, ultimately at the cost of his own life. During that heroic act, he also sealed the remainder of his and his wife's chakra into the baby, while Kushina filled her son with as much of her love as was possible. Their death would curse their son with a seemingly lonely life, one where a hero by birth would be viewed as a pariah at no fault of his own. But, his parent's love would later help make him a hero in his own right, even before he had come to know who those parents were.

But, their tale did not end in their death, and their sealed imprints would aid their son at crucial junctures in his life. When Naruto was trapped by Pain's _Chibaku tensei_, and he had started to give into the temptation of power offered by Kyuubi, an imprint of Minato within him helped him resist. When he was training with Bee in a temple hidden behind a waterfall, and he was almost overwhelmed by Kyuubi's hatred, Kushina's imprint appeared before him. Naruto initially believed that she was the fox demon in disguise, so she hit him in the head. After she apologized and embraced him, his happiness helped stop the Nine Tail's influence from spreading.

Even after his Naruto's had died, their spirit lingered on. In much the same way, the people whose lives were touched by Naruto kept a piece of him within them. It was no surprise that most of those people had come to return the favor at some time in his life, and it was no shock that those same people were here now, celebrating. Inari from the Land of the Waves was there. He had stayed in the village after he and Tazuna had helped rebuild Konoha. Morino Idate was there as well, and was actually sitting and talking with his frightful brother Ibiki, the commanding officer of the Torture and Interrogation Force. The elder brother was handling security for the festival. The younger brother was supervising a group of runners who would deliver messages to places too noisy for telephones or communicators.

As everyone well knows, the time of trouble for the Hidden Leaf Village did not end when Minato and Kushina helped foil Madara's plans. When Sarutobi had resumed the mantle of Hokage, Orochimaru and shinobi of the Sand invaded during the time of Naruto's first and only Chūnin Exams. That attack cost many lives, including that of the Hokage himself. But, the events of the day gave reason for the villagers to begin viewing Naruto in a different light, and set the stage for one particular life-changing friendship. As one might expect, anyone recounting those days would think of Gaara of the Desert, Jinchiruuki of the One-Tailed Shukaku, and a young man filled to the brim with loneliness and loathing. He had been someone who had been hated and feared by his village, much the way that Uzumaki Naruto had been. It was that common ground which eventually allowed Naruto to view the dangerous and tormented ninja in a way that no one had ever viewed him before.

To save Sakura and Sasuke, Naruto had fought and defeated Gaara and Shukaku, with the help of the vast and powerful Gamabunta. It had been an epic fight, a struggle that took its toll on all of the combatants. When the two primary fighters had been too exhausted to continue, Gaara was surprised at just how much determination Naruto had left. The yellow-haired boy explained that he had been lonely too, but had been saved by the friends that he made. That moment planted another seed of friendship, one that be watered by future actions. Naruto later worked with Kakashi to rescue the young Kagekaze when he was kidnapped by Deidara. He also loaned his chakra to Chiyo, helping the wizened puppeteer revive his friend after the extraction of his Bijuu had left him dead. Naruto had changed the old Sunagakure councilor's view of the world, much as he had changed the opinions of many of the partygoers below.

Gaara had once been anathema. Now, he was widely loved, almost to the point of worship. His quick and decisive actions as shinobi commander during the Fourth War had won him more admirers, much to his own chagrin. At this very moment, sitting on a seat of honor in the Leaf village, he was surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls, not all of whom were from his own village. He sighed, looking in the direction of Naruto, knowing that his first and most important friend would have his own trial with the softer sex, soon enough. He was awakened from his mini-trance by the umpteenth girl who offered to fetch him some food and asked if she could sit by his side. That promptly started yet another squabble, as red faced kunoichi shook fingers in each others faces. Feeling a pressure he did not understand, the gourd-carring Kage created a sand clone to distract the distaff, and snuck over to a different venue, watching his brother Kankuro put on a puppet show for a great gathering of children. The older brother, face done up in the usual make-up, deftly used Crow, Black Ant, Salamander, and Scorpion in a mock battle against ninja dressed up as monsters and demons from famous bedtime stories.

The two sand siblings worried about the third. Temari, a guest or a captive depending on one's point of view, was nowhere to be seen. She was presently holed up with other lasses and ladies, all of whom would take the stage when the sun went down and fireworks filled the dark sky with glowing flowers. There were many other brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers who were concerend about a loved one. There were other families who had no such worries, but instead were filled with expectation and anticipation. There were countless individuals who had no personal stake in the momentous moment to come, but were there to soak up the atmosphere... party with anyone who loved to feast, frolic, or fight... or witness a level of spectacle that they may never see again. So many villages were represented. So many people with past gripes and grudges mingled happily with pior protagonists. It was about love, after all. The love that a certain young man had showed friend and foe alike. The love that so many people had for the young rapscallion.

But, there were many other motivations in play. Love of drama. Love of mischief. Love of living through someone else. In fact, the major focus of the event was love of a very different type: Love as a euphemism.

Suffice it to say, the famous verse can be twisted about: The best plans to get mice and men laid... often go astray.


	2. The scene below

"Wow. Just wow."

Rock Lee looked about the village in wonder, a half-empty bag of salted peanuts in hand.. "This is... this is..." The green clad ninja was having trouble finding the words to describe everything that he saw and heard. The assault on his senses was tremendous. He was by no means alone in his condition. But, unlike most of the people surrounding him, he had received only bits and pieces about the eventual outcome awaiting Naruto.

"A vibrant explosion of Youth!" Maito Gai stood on the edge of a fire-pit, thumb up and teeth shining, his words garbled slightly as he chewed on salt-water taffy.. "A veritable conflagration of young hearts!" He pumped his fist, teetering precariously on a rim of freshly-mortared bricks. The man also referred to as Might Guy was just as oblivious as his younger teammate.

"And hormones," Hayate Kakashi quipped, looking down at a small book. "And then, soon enough, a sticky explosion of bodily fluids." His mask hid a small smile. Those choice words would certainly affect his fellow jounin. He took a moment to enghale deeply, drinking in the smell of roasting fish and barbecuing beef. Some aress of the village were wreathed in cooking smoke, looking like they were bathed in an early morning fog.

"Wh-wh-wh-_what?"_ Gai lost track of his surronds for just an instant. That was long enough for him to mistakenly take a step back, fall into the pit, and then rocket out with his green trousers aflame. **"O-oo-ooo-oooo..."** He left a trail of smoke like a human firework. "Kakashi... my old rival... you should be careful what you say! There are children present." He had no idea why the other jounin would make such a wisecrack.

"I know I know," Kakashi said with a wave of his book, voice rich with amusement. "I have hope that you will grow up some day." That had Gai's jaw dropping in disbelife after he landed. Lee clenched a fist, hating to hear his mento maligned, even in jest. "And Lee... try to lighten up. Sakura might not be selected." That had Lee's fist going limp, along with the rest of his body. Someone had said 'Sakura'. "And if she _is _chosen..." He now whispered in Lee's ear. "... There might be a be a … sex tape." With that remark, the bushy-eyebrowed boy keeled over, eyes spinning like spirals.

"One would hope that there would be no such tape," Neji said, arms crossed, a strange look on his face. Absentmindedly, he poored a large smoothie on his sandles. "For_ any_ girl." He frowned, thinking about Ten Ten. There were stirrings in his heart at the thought of his teammate, who like Temari and other select women, was nowhere to be seen. "This entire affair... I still do not understand it. I... I do not approve." His forehead furrowed, wrinkling the curse mark that he kept covered. "It's like some kind of..." He wasn't able to verbalize his last thought. He certainly knew more than Lee and Gai did.

"Carnival," Inuzuka Kiba said, an amused look on his face. He worried about Hinata and Kurenai, but was way too excited to let that bum him out completely. "It's just like the biggest carnival you ever freaking saw!" He stepped back just in time, as Akumaru thundred past like a furry freight train, a number of laughing children oh his back. The dog was happy to play at any time, but was especially eager now. The clever waifs had tighed a piece of meat to the end of a long pole of bamboo, dangling the treat just in front of their canine mount's jaws. "No... Akumaru... not _now_..." The shinobi watched as his doggy companion did a quick spiral, unleashing a great stream of urine as he performed an unprompted Dynamic Marking. Gai took a heavy spalsh to the face, causing him to stumble backwards, plummeting into a different fire pit. Luckily the children had a tight grip on the dog's hair.

"Do you mean Carnival with a capital '**C**'?" That query came from Aburame Shino, who had accompanied Kiba and Akamaru. "Are you referring to he festive season which occurs immediately before Lent in the Christian tradition... whose main events take place in the month of February... and which has some form of public celebration or parade that marry the elements of a masquerade and a street party?" That young ninja obviously read way too much. And, with his huge cowl and dark glasses, his look was quite fitting for a masquerade. "I have never read of any Carnival that has something like _that."_ He nodded his head towards a huge wheel standing on a gigantic wooden stage. He squinted, bring letters into better focus. There wheel had fifty-two large vertical segments, and a gigantic white-painted board was being nailed to each segment.

"I think he meant carnival with a lower case '**c**'." That answering comment came from the bespectacled Ebisu, who pushed his glasses further up his nose. The front of his shinobi jacket had a beard-shaped splotch of nasal blood. He had not been involved in the small fights skirmished that popped up like mushrooms across the immense fair grounds. More likely, he had spurted in true manga fashion, following some naughty thought or another. "You know. An instance of merrymaking, feasting, or masquerading. _An _instance of riotous excess. Or a travelling enterprise that offers amusements." He had overheard the Leaf elders speaking secretly one evening. They had mentioned that the day's activities might make a tour of different villages if the event turned out to be a big success. "This obviously has nothing to do with religion." The Tokubetsu jounin held an armful of raffle tickets tight to his chest as the wind gusted unexpectedly. Like many other people, he would have his tickets officially labelled with the name of his choice when the right moment came.

"Even though a lot of people _do_ seem to be drinking religiously." That observation came from Choji, who had a large barrel of non-alcoholic beverage starpped to his prodigious back. A long straw ran from the barrel to his mouth, passing under a huge number of bead necklaces that would not have been out of place at a Mardi Gras celebration.

"And causing more trouble than they should," Shikamaru drawled, looking up at flame-colored clouds. "The police force is working over time, and ANBU has been assigned to crowd control." He shook his head. "The masked troops should _not_ be used as de facto babysitters."

"Don't be such a worrywort," Kiba laughed. "I know. You know. We all know... there is _always_ danger in the shinobi life. But look..." He spun around, sweeping his arm to encompass the total crowd. " There are a lot of big time fighters here tonight. How could we be any safer?"

"I'm not worried about the danger they can protect us _from_," Shikamaru said with an even bigger frown. "I'm more worried about the danger that they _themselves _pose..." He held a hand up, to stifle any comment one might make about everyone being friends and comrades now. "I don't mean as plotters and evil-doers. I mean as a drunken rabble. Good judgment gone. Jutsus out of control."

"There is nothing to worry about," Sai said walking up. He held a fistful of balloon strings. He had never seen or held a balloon before, and was terrible fascinated. He also held a huge cone of cotton candy, another newly discovered wonder. "My fellow former members of Root are also keeping track on public intoxication." He turned to look at Shikamaru and Choji. "If I may surmise-" He rubbed his chin, a calculating look in his eyes. "You are probably masking your true reason for concern. You are probably worried about Yamanaka Ino. After all, she may be forced to indulge in frivolous fornication..."

"_**Sp**_-_**sp**_-_**sp-sp**_-_**sp**_-_**sp**_-_**sp**_-s_**p**_-" Choji sounded like a lawn sprinkler operating under heavy pressure. A huge geyser of blue flavored water shot out of his mouth and nostrils. Shikamaru managed to sidestep the great spray. Gai was not so lucky. His shirt still on fire, the Leaf's Prideful Green Beast was tossed backwards like a feather in a galeforce wind. He didn't land in a fire pit this time. No. Instead, he bounced and rolled his way onto one of the many racks of fireworks rockets. His clothing got tangled. Fuses managed to get lit. Before anyone could rescue him, the mighty warrior streaked across the clearing. "Ino," Choji whispered, a forelorn frown creasing his rotund cheeks. He still has a hopeless crush on his blue-irised teammate.

"I wouldn't say Carnival _or_ carnival," Konahamaru had waked up earlier, Udon in tow. Moegi was absent. "I would say 'Circus.' _Right_, Udon?" He carried a large stuffed penguin that he had won at a shuriken tossing booth. He tried to stash it behind his friend he when saw the lopsided grin on Kiba's mouth.

"R-R-R-R-R-" A stuttering Udon was too busy being shy to worry about the huge heart-shaped pillow he had won at a a fish catching game. "R-R-_Right."_ He snuffled hard, unable to bring a long snot string back up into his nose. He gasped as Akamaru ran past in a blur. His fuzzy heart and his friend's penguin were nowhere to be seen.

"Hey! You miserable mutt!" Konohamru took off running. "Come on Udon!" Both boys tried their best to keep the furry missile in sight. At one point, Udon made a heroic leap, catching a small child that had fallen off the big dog. At the same exact instant, Konohamaru took a poorly chosen short cut, running through a dressing hut shared by chorus girls and ethnic dancers. The stuffed animal was soon forgotten. A large number of guards and irate women chased him through the amused crowd.

"You don't see _that_ every day," Lee said, observing the shenanigans. His face trurned beet red when the mob of women ran past their vantage point. A number of the performers had been so angry, that they had joined the chase before getting fully dressed. "I... they... there were..." He did his best imitation of a Weeble. He wobbled but did not fall down.

"There sure were," Kiba said with a sparkle in his eyes. "In pairs." He snorted when Rock Lee did finally manage to topple over. "The kid was right, you know. This really _is _one big circus." He shrugged. He still couldn't believe that so many people had gotten involved in such a big production. He looked over at a nearby group of villagers gathered around Naruto. He exchanged glances with Shino. They each wondered if their friend had been told what was really going on.

"I agree," Kakashi said. "After all, I will certainly be playing the part of a Ring Master." He closed his book with an audible snap and tucked it inside his vest, pointedly ignoring Ebisu, who had muttered 'More like ringleader' as he mopped at a fresh nosebleed. "And it looks like we have the perfect setting." He pointed over to one particularly large tent close to the stage, a wise precaution against sudden rain or sleet. Countless smaller tents filled open areas of lawn, street, and alley way. Rooftops were lined by onlookers, some of whom had strung long wires between buildings or built trapeze-like safety nets below their precarious perches. "And the perfect games." He glanced over at a stand that had a long line of patrons. Customers threw knives at a mannequin dressed to look exactly like Uchiha Madara. Every time a knife hid home with a satisfying _t-h-u-n-k,_ the onlookers shouted in glee, banged mugs together, and stepped about in a lively jig.

"There certainly are a lot of performers," Shikamaru offerered, trying to avoid deep thoughts. "Professional and otherwise." He was correct in both regards. The village hosted numerous anumal trainers, musicians, hoopers, jugglers, unicyclists, and stunt-oriented artists of many types. Added to those were thrill-seekers, pleasure-seekers, and trouble-seekers from Konoha and her sister villages. Those men and women were putting on physical, emotional, and spiritual performances of every type imagineable.

"Shika's right," Choji added, his shirt-front drenched with drink. "There are plenty of clowns!" His words carried double meaning. There were traditional circus clowns, and there were common people clowning about.

"Uh huh," Kiba said, pointing at a highly kinetic Gai. "Acrobats, too..." That appelation was aimed at the green-clad Jounin too, for good reason.

"Gai sensei!" Lee began running towards his Team Leader. Gai was tumbling ass over teacups as the last of the rockets fizzled out. A large number of children who were chasing after him with sparklers in hand threw their bright toys skyward when the first of the rockets exploded, sending comets of red and violet flames shooting out of frazzled man's pants legs. "**Ahhhhh-hhhh-hhh-hh-h**..." Lee bravely dodged the crimson and azure fireballs that erupted from the functioning fireworks, rushing to save his mentor, and swearing to run a million laps around the village if he failed. A couple of rockets broke away from the cluster that propelled Gai. _**"Ohhh!"**_ His hair stood straight on end, and his face and eyebrows were left sooty, after one gunpowder filled missile burst just above his head.

"**AROOOOO-OOOO-OOO-OO-O!"**

"Looks like we have our share of animal trainers, too." Neji was not referring the the men and women who led elephants, camels, chimpanzees, and countless other trained beasts through their paces. He was looking square at Kiba, who was busy scratching his canine's friend huge neck. Akamaru had finished being the doggy equivalent of a pony ride.

"And more theatrics than anyone can shake a stick at." Shino knew that there were a number of travelling troupes of actors putting on formal plays and small skits throughout the village tonight. He was not talking about those merry men and mademoiselles. He was busy staring at Gai and Lee, each of whom pounded the other on the back... hugged each other tightly... and then praised their comrade for bravery and toughness. "Sometimes I think I have seen enough of_ that_ to last a lifetime."

"Who hasn't," Kakashi said, making his way towards the stage. "It's close to show time gentlemen. You might want to move up close to the wheel while you still can." He side-stepped an errant tumbler, sped past a trio of sideshow freaks, and wove through a line of plate-spinners before picking up speed and flashing from view.

"Let's go," Kiba called out to his friends. They all began walking towards the seats near the big tent. "Sai... while we're still young..." The former root ninja was staring in rapt fascination at gymnists, stilt-walkers, and globe rollers.

"Certainly," Sai replied, intending to catch up to his friends. He stopped, his curiosity piqued yet again. "I wonder... is that an act... or an exhibitionist satisfying his sexual pleasures..." There was a contortionist who was twisted like a pretzel, head in his own lap.

"What are you babbling about?" Kiba walked over to grab Sai's arm. Sometimes it took direct physical action toget the inquisitive shinobi moving. "Akamaru! Stop it! Not now!" The huge dog had chosen to do something that moment that was prompted by his sight of the circus performed. He had managed to contort his great furry frame, allowing him to lick his private parts.

"Fascinating," Sai's sketch pad appeared in his hand. He began to draw Akamaru. "Kiba. Did you teach him that?" Everyone in earshot began laughing. "Or have you asked him to teach you?" The crowd went dead silent, as if Kiba would ever answer that question, one way or another.

"**ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF! ARFARFARFARFARF!"**

No one present could speak dog, so they had no way to translate Akamaru's reply. When Kiba clicked his fingers angrily, the massive dog picked Sai up by the collar, and then hurried to catch up to his human companion. Sai, tickled pink to think he had an art fan, sold his sketch to a seedy-looking bald man in a frayed overcoat.

Lee and Gai were slow to head off after join their friends, just as a ringing gong gave notice to the audience that the show was about to begin.

"I don't know whether I should be jealous..." Gai said before waving one hand, signalling a shaved ice vender. He bought high-heaped Konoha ices for the two of them, green-flavored of course. Lime, pistaccio, celery, whatever. It was all good, if it was all green. "...Or grateful that it's not me. I don't truly need help getting a date. But, if someone were going to help me find the perfect woman, I would hope they would do it in private." He hadn't picked up on the rather obvious innuendo present in other people's discourse.

"Date?" A tall dark ninja with dark skin tone and a lazy look on his face stopped, overhearing Gai's comments. "Date?" It was Darui, one of the Raikage's bodyguards. A large number of skill-game prizes hung from his Komogakure flak jacket. "This isn't about that boy getting a date. It's about getting that boy_ laid."_

"L-L-L-L-L-L-L-Laid?" Gai's eyes grew impossibly wide. His jaw fell down with a loud clack. When his mouth began working again, he was only able to mumble and make garbled sounds.

"Is he OK?" Darui looked concerned. "Have I destroyed his mind with my rash and rude remark?" The Jounin was a very apologetic person, and often apologized for other people's actions. "I'm truly sorry! I had heard that he was dull and had little mind to begin with." That had him apologizing for _that_ statement. "I am sorry. So sorry. Sorry."

"There you are," a blond-haired sensor-type shinobi called out to his partner. It was C, a very serious ninja who still found it difficult to like anyone from Konoha. "Are you apologizing because you struck that guy with the bowl cut hair?" He looked over at Lee, then at Gai, and then at Lee again. He shook his head in disgust. Twin sons of different mothers. "You must have hit him pretty hard." For those who did not know, 'B' is Killer Bee, and 'A' is the Fourth Hokage. "We should go help Mabui. She's very upset. Those Konoha dogs told her that she had to join in this nonsense." He was referring to the kunoichi who served as the Raikage's assistant. "Maybe we can think of some way to use her talent to escape unharmed." Mabui had the ability to transfer things across distances at the speed of light.

"I see. If I don't get to talk to her before the choice is made... and she gets selected... Mabui might never speak to me again." Darui was already thinking about apologizing. He was about to say more, but stopped when he saw another familiar face. "Samui... where are you going... C and I are going to find Mabui and talk to her."

"What a coincidence," the blonde-haired and busty kunoichi replied. She looked enraged, but did not have her tanto in hand. "I'll be seeing her soon enough. Karui, too." That reference was to a red-haired kunoichi that was part of Team Samui, along with Omoi. "I have been ordred by the Raikage to follow the rules of the game."

"You guys!" That as fate would have it, was Omoi. The white-haired ninja with the spiky hair was sucking on a lollipop as usual. He was usually very cautious, liking to think things through before he acted. "I'm glad I found you. I have to find Karui and Mabui, too. I think this is all my fault." He was prone to exaggerating things. Back when he had first visited Konoha, just after Pain had destroyed the village, Karui had thrown a rock at him and he was afraid that it would cause an avalance. When they reached the devastated village, he had called out 'Karui, what have you done...'

"What are you talking about?" C frowned. "What did you _do?_" He should have known better.

"I felt bad, after what had happened before." Omoi pointed over at Naruto, who was busy trying to avoid reporters from various villages. "We were upset about Yugito, and how she had been kidnapped

by Akatsuki so that they could get the Nibi no Bakeneko inside of her. We were angry because it seemed that Uchiha Sasuke had been in Askatsuki too, and that he had kidnapped Bee."

"I remember Karui giving me the details after I asked if you two had been getting into trouble," Samui said, looking over at a number of Konoha policemen who were signalling her to follow them. They would escort her through the pressing crowd. "Naruto told her that he would help her and you find Bee," She said to Omoi. "But he wouldn't tell you anything about Sasuke, because he didn't want to betray someone he considered a friend. He said that you and Karui should break the chain of revenge, by choosing not to kill Sasuke, so that no one would kill you in return, and nobody twill kill the ones who took your lives. But, she didn't want to hear that, then. She only wanted to kill the Uchiha boy."

"Yes," Omoi said. "When I asked Naruto what we should do with our hatred and how he would make it up to us, he told us that we we could hit him all that we wanted. So Karui did that. Again and again and again. She would have kept hitting him, if _that_ one hadn't stopped her." He pointed over at Sai, who had gotten free of Akamaru's grasp somehow, and was looking for a porta-potty.

"So how did all _that_..." C said. "...Cause all _this."_

"Well... you know... the guy wouldn't rat out his friend," Omoi said about Naruto. "He wasn't hasty with his words. And he wasn't the type to go back on a promise. I liked that." He shrugged and moved the loolipop around in his mouth. "After the Shinobi War ended... before it was time for eveybody to head back to their own nations... I took some time to talk with him. He seemed like someone who could be a friend."

"Annn-nn-nd?" C was getting impatient. He also turned a jaundiced eye on the approaching policemen.

"Well, we talked about our lives. He gave me ramen and I gave him one of my favorite foods." Omoi took the lollipop out for an instant. He had left Naruto with a big bag of pops, the same flavor as this one. "After we said our good byes... and he was walking away... I shouted 'You should get yourself a girl, that might solve a lot of your problems'. So, that probably caused this!"

"Geez." C closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "Why does he keep thinking that way!" When Samui was led away without resisting, Damui and C followed a few yards behind her. Omoi would have joined them, but was accosted by Lee.

"You mentioned 'this'," Lee said. "I am Rock Lee, Naruto's friend. Many of the people here know what is going on, but I do not. My friends keep dancing around the anwer when I ask them to explain things."

"Really?" Omoi sized Lee up. By his looks, he judged him to be excellent at Taijutsu. Having just been told that the other shinobi hadn't given him the full details, he decided that the other ninja must be very naïve, very sensitive, or both. "Want one?" He reached into his pocket, pulled out a red lollipop, a blue lollipo, and a green lollipop. He thought a moment and held the Lime one up.

"Thank you," Lee said. He unwrapped the candy and stared at it for a moment, before putting it in his mouth.

"I'll tell you what I know," Omoi said. It wasn't his habit to hold back information. If someone was man enough to ask a question, they were man enough to get an answer. "Someone must have decided that Naruto would either live out his dream, live out their dream, or live out somebody else's dream. Maybe all three. Maybe something else." He turned his hands palms up in a gesture that said 'I don't have a clue which'. "He will come of age... he will become a man..." He sighed, still wondering if he was at fault. "...He will lose his virginity. A game of chance will decide who his partner will be."

Everything that Lee had overheard made sense now. He didn't feel excited or shocked. Sadness well up from deep within him.

"Poor Naruto."


	3. Long overdue explanation

"This stuff is great!"

Naruto sat on a recently hewn wood bench, munching on a large fried squid.

"Someone might be sucking on _your_ squid before the roosters crow," a drunken plumber told the young ninja before being escorted away by plains-clothe policemen.

"Huh?" Naruto frowned. "What?" He looked down at his food. Was someone going to suck on it? Who? Why? Either way, it wasn't going to happen. He wolfed the cephalod dow with a loud gulp. _"Ahhhhh._ That really hit the spot." So had the ramen. Cotton candy. Caramel apples. Popcorn. Steamed shrimp. Bean-filled buns. And frozen bananas!

The future Hokage had enjoyed himself this day. So many admirers had praised him, and no small number had been fellow villagers who once viewed him with scrorn and prejudice at best. He had smiled and laughed more times than he had in the past year, watching magic shows, fire-eaters, human cannonballs, sword swallowers, and chapeaugraphy experts. The latter were adept at _panhandling,_ a stunt that saw a ring-shaped piece of felt manipulated to look like various types of hats.

"There you are." It was Tsunade, dressed in her formal Hokage gear, despite the seeming informality of the proceedings. "I suppose that it's time that I tell you the real reason that you are here." It was amazing that word hadn't made it's way to the boy who sat sighing and patting his belly.

"Granny Tsunade?" Naruto arched one eyebrow. "I'm not here to honor EroSennin?"

"Well... I suppose you_ are_... in a manner of speaking..." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She could do this. She would do this. She had been out-voted at Council, but it was her official duty to make certain that things went the way that the elders wanted. The elders in turn were following the dictates of fan-fiction fans, manga afficanados, and anime geeks who had the power to make their lives miserable." That was one just one of drawbacks that followed the breaking the Fourth Wall. "That is to say... he would certainly be smiling in approval. He-" She coughed. "He would be proud of you." This. They had forced her to do _this_. She had always been worried what the boy might learn from her former and deceased teammate. Tonight, she was setting the wheel in motion, so to speak, on a plan that made the most odius of the Frog Hermit's actions look a Konoha Scout's cookie drive.

"Huh?" Naruto scratched his head, making a face. He eyed the Fifth Hokage critically. "What aren't you telling me?" He was wise enough to know that something wasn't right. He had been told that they were going to unvail a statue of Jiraiya that night, and that he would give a moving speech in the Sannin's honor. "What gives, Granny?"

"It couldn't happen to a better ninja!" An elder walked past and patted him on the back.

"You deserve it, seeing that you're a hero!" Another elder strode by, mussing Naruto's hair.

"It will make the fans happy," Another elder stopped to brush food off of Naruto's jumpsuit and to zip up his front zipper.

"Especially those who want fanfiction writers to put lemons where there were no lemons before." Yet another elder found need to make a remark.

"Don't worry!" A final elder stood with hands on hips. "We didn't allow any of the sick stuff. There will be no rape-fic, crack-fic, yaoi, squick, or whumpage."

"Fruits? Fans? Flattery?" Naruto was looking as angry as he did confused. He suddenly felt like a mushroom: fed shit and kept in the dark! He swallowed hard, figuring that he might not be a presenter of any sorts, but rather the target of some big plot. He nearly lost control of his bladder there and then. It had been bad enough to learn earlier that he was the title figure of a manga and an anime. He had been proud and excited at first, before realizing that he had no privacy. Worse, he had no say! There was no Fate or Destiny for him, that didn't come from the pen of the original artist, or from the typewritters, word processors, and computers of countless imitators and innovators. "Shit. I just have to say shit now, in case I can't speak after you tell me more." Being the hero in a comic strip has always meant good and evil, fame and famine, babes and bombshells. The same thing held true for manga. But... and it was a really big but... modern stories didn't always have a happy ending. "Shit... fck... hell... damn..." And, what was squick? Whumpage? WHUMPAGE! Who came up with words like _that?_

"If you would like to swear more, we have a little time to spare." Tsunade straightened the Tri-Corner hat on her head and sighed. She was not only worried about the young man in front of her. There were numerous women-young and old-who were in her thoughts at that very moment. "It _would_ be better to get it out of the way now, since you will be-" She cleared her throat again. "Busy later on."

"Busy?" Naruto was not as dumb as some fan fiction authors made him out. While he might not be Shikamaru, he was more than clever enough to decipher clues. Mental pieces of the puzzle began fitting together. "Busy... as in _busy_ busy?" His eyes went very wide. His palms felt moist. "As in Jiraiya type busy?"

"Yes," Tsunade replied, feeling tense. She trusted Naruto as a person, and had faith that he wouldn't treat his Fate-picked paramour improperly. She also had the fondest wishes for him, and didn't want to see him forced into an erotic moment that ruined all chances for true intimacy. "_That _busy." She waited a moment, letting things sink in. She was a bit curious, she had to admit. How would he react? In the past, he would have exploded, promising to follow his Ninja Way, stating that he would never follow that kind of plan. But, while he still had his fiery moments-like when he charged into battle during the Fourth War after having been tricked into seclusion-he had become pragmatic and more thoughtful. More restrained. Relatively speaking.

"I see." Naruto's posture slumped a moment. His eyes had a faraway look as he thought 'Why me? Why something like this? Why is it always something?' But, being who he was, he pounded one fist on the bench, ran a the other hand through his hair, and sat straighter. He verbalized his mental questions, and added "Why should I just sit here and go through with this, Granny? It's not fair. Not for me, no matter what a lot of guys might think." He had no doubt that many men in the village would be cheering for him, thinking that he was quite a fortunate young man. He wondered how many would still think things were great if they were put in his place instead. The older he got, and the more he saw of the world, the more he knew there were endless types of people out there. "And for the girl..." He shivered. He didn't know the full details yet, but didn't have to. He suddenly felt nauseous, his sense of justice causing his head to spin and his desire to protect others rising up in his throat. Then, he nearly crapped his pants when the next though traipsed across his neurons. "It-" He voice came out in a toad-like croak. "It _will_ be a girl, won't it..."

"Yes," Tsunade said quietly. "It will be a girl. Or a woman. You know what I mean." She felt a twinge of guilt. She had been given immunity by the powers that be. That was part of the bargain she had made. "It may be putting the cart before the horse... telling you this before I've told you all of the details... but we _were_ able to gain a number of concessions." She took a drink of water offered by young ninja. The Acadamey stidnet was serving as her aide in Shizune's absence. "I know that you are still in shock like the rest of us, finding out that we are fictional characters, even though it certainly doesn't feel that way. But, that knowledge will soon fade, I've been told."

"And will everyone's memory from today fade, too?" Naruto stood up abruptly, filled with a huge swell of hope. "Things wouldn't be so hard that way!"

"But the harder it gets, the better it is!" That comment came from an old reprobate dressed up to resemble Jiraiya. The Frog hermit turned out to have fans amongst villages outside of the Land of Fire. "I... _**urk!"**_ The low life was dragged off roughly by a burly ninja.

"I'm afraid not," Tsunade said softly. "I wish it _was_ that simple. This is happening in our world. What happens in Naruto-world stays in Naruto-world. Sorry." She had heard about Las Vegas. Some of the shows being performed today were very similar to ones taking place every night in Sin City. Her paraphrase did not carry the sense of naughty expectation that the original slogan did. She began rubbing her temples. When Naruto sat back down, she said "As I was saying, we are all taken by surprise by what we learned. We were also shocked to find out just how diverse the fandom is. The people. Their individual wants and needs. Some of fans are rather rabid. Others are quite needy. Some will fill up chatlines with complaints if the plot doesn't got the way that they want. Others with speak about minutia until they go blue in the face. It's... it's..."

"It's like Orochimaru created _them_," Naruto said bitterly. He knew that he was being a bit peevish. There were all sorts of people in _this_ world, too. He banged his forehead with the flat of his hand. But he and the rest of them had been created by a particular man somewhere out there. His head began spinning again with the enormity of it all.

"Here, have a sip." The Hokage handed him a glass of water similar to her own. "I'll cut to the chase. Before the author of this fan-written story was chosen, the fanfiction tribunal had suggested a number of plot points that left disgusted the elders and I. For example... because there are so many twisted people writing about you and Sasuke in a sexual way... they wanted a Boy-Love angle. Because the original author had used _Summoning: Impure Word Resurrection _to such a large degree in recent chapter... that the idea stuck. Some members of the tribunal wanted to use the jutsu to bring back to life any girl that died during the manga or anime." She looked over to where Kakashi was speaking with fellow jounin. "Like Rin, for example." Randomly, she thought about another dead kunoichi. "And Tayuyu." She fought the urge to use words that would leave even that foul-mouthed ninja blushing.

"Guh!" Naruto put a hand over his mouth. This _did_ sound like something that Orochimaru might have drawn up. For a moment, he wondered if this might be some kind of plot from an enemy they hadn't discovered yet. Someone tricking them into believing these crazy new truths. Drugs. Some kind of mind control jutsu. Something along the lines of _Tsukuyomi?_ No. It couldn't be that. Too many impossible things had happened today alone, for that to be true. "I'm surpised someone didn't ask for me to create a clone... change it to a hot babe with the _Sexy Jutsu_... and then... you know..."

"Someone _did_ ask for that. There were numerous Mary Sue and Marty Stu requests from the tribunal, too. Even a number of Self Inserts." That had Tsunade shrugging. "I don't see how anyone _there _could get _here._" Seeing the blank look on Naruto's face, she explaned what the different terms meant.

"Geez!" Naruto stood again. "Can't people like that get their own dates?"

"One can only wonder," Tsunade said with a smirk. That look soon vanished. "As I was saying, there were a fair number of sick requests, including -" She didn't have a chance to finish.

"Whumpage?" Naruto blurted. "What _is_ that, anyway?"

"Whumpage... or whump as some people call it... " Tsunade bit her lip. There truly were sick and twisted people screwing up fictional lives. Was that because someone had screwed up_ their_ lives? Her pyschology training hadn't prepared her for this. She had seen her share of dark and demeneted enemies, but they didn't hold a candle to the things she had learned about certain writers. "...Is a type of fiction where there is physical damage... and possibly great emotion damage... done to the lead character in the story, or to others characters as well. It's about suffering, but doesn't contain the comforting element that is present in the Hurt/Comfort type of stories." The glass broke in her hand. She looked down and saw small red droplets dotting the fragments. That anger had burst out from deep inside when she thought about how there were young _girls_ out there writing stories about girls getting raped, and then falling in love with their rapists.

Naruto was momentarily distracted. A certain group within the crowd had migrated over in their direction. Assorted ninjas who liked to rock were carring portable music systems on their shoulders, blaring their songs loudly. He was a bit surprised when he heard the lyrics. He was even more shocked when one of the rockers told him that the songs were all in his honor. They wanted to serenade him on his special day.

_Well I'm upper upper class high society  
>God's gift to ballroom notoriety<br>And I always fill my ballroom  
>The event is never small<br>The social pages say I've got  
>The biggest balls of all<br>_  
><em>I've got big balls<br>__I've got big balls  
>They're such big balls<br>And they're dirty big balls  
>And he's got big balls<br>And she's got big balls  
>(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)<em>

"You got balls, alright!" A denim draped shinobi from the Sand gave him a Devil's Horns hand gesture.

"Thanks... I think..." Naruto really was trying to be a good sport.

_And my balls are always bouncing  
>My ballroom always full<br>And everybody cums and cums again  
>If your name is on the guest list<br>No one can take you higher  
>Everybody says I've got<br>Great balls of fire_

_I've got big balls_  
><em>Oh I've got big balls<em>  
><em>And they're such big balls<em>  
><em>Dirty big balls<em>  
><em>And he's got big balls<em>  
><em>And she's got big balls<em>

"**But we've got the biggest balls of them all!"** A group of ninja's from the Rain pulled down their saggy pants. Naruto expected a very tasteless sight. Instead, they had fooled him. They had pants on under their pants.

"Rock on, man!" The shinobi cheered for their hero. "Rock on!"

_Some balls are held for charity  
>And some for fancy dress<br>But when they're held for pleasure  
>They're the balls that I like best<br>My balls are always bouncing  
>To the left and to the right<br>It's my belief that my big balls  
>Should be held every night<em>

Looking back over at Tsunade, Naruto quickly forgot about the song and didn't consciously take note of the ending. "Are you OK, Granny." Seeing the blood, Naruto began rummaging is his belt pouch for a bandage, but Tsunade waved him off. She was a Medical Nin, after all.

"I'll be fine," Tsunade said. "To make a long story short, the elders and I did have some bargaining power... I'm not going to go into details... and we managed to come to an agreement of sorts. For their part, the tribunal promised that there would not be any sick or twisted situations... beyond, you know, _this_ sick and twisted situation."

"Great," Naruto griped. "Peachy keen." He stuck his tongue out and looked at it. That was his tongue, wans't it? He never would have said 'Peachy keen' on his own! Oh yeh. Right. Never mind. If he thought too much about it, he might end up catatonic. "This was worse than the 'if a god created everything, who created that god' question that so many people ended up asking themselves or someone else..

The Hokage stared at Naruto for a close to a minute before continuing. Both of them fought the urge to fidget"Here's the part where I need your understanding. It was the best that we could do." She looked uncomfortable. "To get those concessions... and to push things towards specific writers who generally have the characters best interests at heart... we had to agree to two major stipulations. First, you would not be able to escape the plotline, no matter how hard you tried, or how long you ran. And second, the events would stay in everyone's memory. You can't simply act nonchalantly, thinking that there is nothing at risk. This will not be one of those stories where you wake up and find out that everything was a dream."

"But why?" Naruto's mood abruptly switched from anger to sadness. A tear sparng from the corner of one eye. "Why would someone _do_ this? It seems cruel and inhuman." He paused a moment, thinking of one particular irony. _He_ was a avid fan of anime and manga. _He_ had seen the crazy plotlines, the harem shows, the boobfests. _He_ had laughed, pumped his fists, complained at the lack of pairings, and reveleled in the gyrations that his favorite characters had been put through. Sometimes, he even wished that he could find himself in just that same kind of impossible situation. "Well... if we're just story characters... I guess..." He shook his head a stomped his foot, his anger flaring up again. "No, fictional or not, we have rights... _don't_ we?"

"I don't have time for a philisophical discusion, and neither do you." Tsunade understood the boy's frustration. She had thought similar thoughts herself throughout the entire planning procedure. "All we can do is brace ourselves and hope for the best. We can simply pray that the author who was chosen will treat us with as much kindness and consideration as is possible."

"Just what kind of guy or gal _is_ the writer?" Naruto hated the idea of being fictional. He wanted free will. He had been caught in Shikamaru's _Shadow Bind _technique any number of times, and that was child's play compared to this. "Who is he... or she..."

"Well... he... is supposed to be someone respectable, relatively speaking. But I don't know his pen-name or real name." Tsunade wished that she _did _know the name. Childish or not, she would not be above writing her own stories with that author as lead character! Hell, she would get the best writers from all of the Hidden Villages involved. "I'm told that he will not write anything slash or het, and that he has no patience for Dark Fics... you know, the ones that put a big emphasis on death, violence, betrayal, or loss." She tapped a finger on her chin. "Oddly enough, he hasn't done any lemon stories in the Naruto-verse, and rarely writes anything lime. I imagine that must frustrate his readership, if he has one."

"Then why is he doing this story?" Naruto pictured a thousand orange and black shadow clones kicking the shit out of the faceless fanfiction writer.

"Who can say," the Fifth replied. "He probably thought the concept was amusing. Hey! Young man! That will be enough of that!" Naruto had quickly gone from normal to frog-eyed to chakra-form in a couple of heartbeats. When Naruto returned to his normal form, she continued. "You know, and I know, that this is by no means amusing to _us_. This story is meant to be amusing to people who read FanFiction. In a more specific sense, the bulk of the writing will merely be a set-up."

"Set-up?" Naruto had his breathing back under conrol. His teeth were no longer fangs. ""Set-up for _what? _Not sequels, I hope!"

"No. People may want countless chapters, but there will only be eight." Tsunade was thankful for that one thing, at least. "The story is supposed to be inventive. It is supposed to grab hold of the the writer's and readership's imagination. It's even supposed to be informative, recapitulating some of the canon storyline." She held up a finger to emphasize her final point, not to threaten anyone with _Isshi Renshin_, as she had done to Naruto back when he convinced her to become Hokage. "Mostly, the preamble will set up the final punch line scene."

"What?" Naruto was furious. "All this stuff. All the things that everyone has to go though. All... all...** Grrrrr-rrrr-rrr-rr-r!** All... for... a... punch... line..." He pictured clones again, lining up to give a well-deserved punch. No a thousand punches. If only!

"So I'm told," Tsunade said with a yawn. She hadn't gotten a lot of sleep lately, as one might expect. "It's a style that he uses. I was told that some readers enjoy it. Others, however, will be put off by wordy prose... a lack of action scenes... and the overall length of the story. Those who like journies may be pleased. Those who have their hopes set on a specific destination may not be ." She thought of something else she that she could add. It would serve as a good segue to the keystone of the situation. "As it turns out, whenever pairings have been involved, he has solely been a Naru-Hina author up until now."

"Hinata..." Naruto blinked rapidly. For a moment, he wondered why someone would focus on Hinata.

"Hinata's nice... but..." He swallowed hard and sat up straighter. "Does that mean that Hinata will be the one chosen... that she and I..." He blushed. Not because of the current subject at hand, but because some of his prior actions that had never made it into canon. There had been times when he watched harem anime with busty heroines, and dreamed about doing the dirty with them. On a few occasions, he had put the faces of girls that he knew on the bodies of the fictictious femmes. He had woken up sweaty after one particularly hot dream. The girl in that dream had worn Hinata's face. Maybe this whole shebang ouldn't be so bad after all! That had him slapping himself, as the Hokage watched, concerened.

"There is no guarantee that it will happen," Tsunade said. "There is no guarantee that it won't." She began nibbling on a tea cake that her aide brought her. She frowned when crumbs rained down on her clothing. "But... aside from this kind of sexual harrassment... I will tell you a secret. I really _do _favor the Hinata girl."

"Huh?" Naruto looked stunned. Then, his face clouded over. He could be passive aggressive at times. "Why Hinata? What not Sakura?" He thought about his pink-haired teammate. His feelings for her had always been strong, blurring the line bewteen friendship and something more. In some ways... being intimate with her... might seem more natural, like an outcome that could take place on its own some day. On the other hand, his need to protect her had him thinking that she should be the last woman to go through this.

"Let me first say that the girl you finally end up with... out side of this single story, I mean... could easily be someone you haven't met yet. Look at your father and mother. She came from another village." Tsunade bit into another cookie. "But... if I was forced to choose from the girls that you've met in the manga or anime... I would choose Hinata. She's kind. She's quiet in a good way. She's patient, and has a good head on her shoulders. She doesn't resort to violence or silly mind games. She doesn't flirt and fool around."

"I suppose that's all true..." Naruto rubbed his chin. "Still..." He eyed the Hokage with suspicion for the moment. Sakura was the old lady's student. So, why was she pushing for Hinata? Didn't she think he was good enough for Sakura? Hmmm-mm-m. Then again, didn't she know things about Sakura that _he_ did not?

"Hinata has a past that you would do you well to learn about," Tsunade offered. "Escpecially where it concerns _you._" This talk was long overdue. It wasn't the bird and the bees talk. It was something that went much deeper than that.

"What past?" Naruto tugged at his lip. Truth be told, he didn't really know much about Sakura's past either. He didn't know much about _anyone's_ past, except for Jiraiya and Gaara, for different reasons. Them and Sasuke.

"No doubt you've heard some of this," the Fifth said. "It's common knowledge that Hinata was the first born child of Hyuuga Hiashi. She began her life as the heiress the the Main House of that clan. But, she lost that title to her younger sister, Hanabi."

"Yeh," Naruto tilted his head, trying to remember where he had heard the things that he had once heard. "I know that part. I don't know the reason, though." He suddenly felt deficient. Didn't the Hokage have to know a great many things, not just about the village, but also about the important people that populated it?

"It didn't help that Hiashi's brother gave his life in his place, during the affair where the head ninja from the Cloud kidnapped Hinata." She went on to describe that bit of history in excruciating detail. "In a sense, Hiashi had lost his brother because of Hinata. It also didn't help that his brother's son was a genius. In any case, because of all that, or simply beccause she was the heiress to one of the oldest and most powerful families, Hinata was pushed much harder than most children her age. She was frail, and she did not show progress quickly enough to satisfy her father. He essentially tossed her aside and focused on his youngest child."

"Oh." Naruto felt a chill go down his back. He had met his father in a metaphysical way only, and still felt a warm spot in his heart from that encounter. The same went for his encounter with his mother's spirit. But, before those encounters, he had grown up alone, not even knowing who those parents were. He always thought that it would be better to have parents, even if he were to lose them thae same way that Sasuke had lost his. But, realizing what Hinata must have gone through, he understood that having parents may be more salt that sugar. "That... that would suck..."

"Right," Tsunade said sternly. The family affairs of the various clans was none of her busy, really. But, she also had to be realistic. Even in the modern day, the strength of the village families could make a big difference, when it came to wars between Nations. "Hinata lost faith in herself. She spent a lot of time crying, alone." She almost teared up, when she saw Naruto nod his head. He knew that same kind of loneliness, in some respects. But, where Hinata had been neglected and ignored, he had been picked on and reviled. "Her perception changed remarkably. Can you guess why?"

"Me?" Naruto pursed his lips. He had guessed. But, he could remember a day when she called him a proud failure, and would never forget the day that she fought Neji.

"Indeed," Tsunade said. "You were an outcast. But, that did not cause you to quit. It didn't turn you mean. You wanted to be acknowledged. You wanted to be praised. You wanted to be accepted for who you were. Hinata could identify with that. But, it was more than that. You were a good role model. Even though you had no one to support you, you held true to the dream of becoming something great. You would never gainsay your wish to be Hokage."

"Hmmmpppfff," Naruto snorted. "Hokage's not so great. No. Not _every_ Hokage is great." He smiled a sly smile, reminiscing. He placed his hand where the necklace once lay. "There are some that are rough... selfish... loose with money... easily pissed off... and stupid."

"Brat!" Tsunade leaned over and rapped Naruto hard on the top of the head. She wasn't angry, but the boy deserved that for beeing so cheeky. "You were Hinata's inspiration. She wanted to be strong. She wanted to be the kind of person who would never give up. But there's more... and you were the _only_ one in the entire village who never caught on!"

"Caught on to _what?"_ He frowned when the Hokage sighed in exaggerated fashion. He felt a sweat drop form. There was something he had too busy to remember over the past few months. Something about Hinata.

"**Idiot!"** Tsunade huffed. "Bone... headed... idiot." She turned a glare on the servants who were nodding their heads like Bobble-Head dolls. "She had a crush on you. That crush turned into love. Why do you think the girl fainted when she saw you after your two year absence. Why do you think she could was always blushing, afraid, or awkward when you were near? Have you forgotten Pain? Have you forgotten his _Shinra tensei? _Have you forgotten those chakra disruption rods?"

"I..." Naruto swallowed hard. Now he remembered. How could he had ever forgotten? Maybe it was because the original author hadn't taken things any further. "Hinata..."

"Yes," the Hokage said. "There was no way that she could have touched the Deva Path, _Gentle Step Twin Lion Fists _or no _Gentle Step Twin Lion Fists. _She knew that. When I debriefed her, she told me everything that she had said to you. You told her to get away, because she was no match. She said, 'I know.'"

"That's... that's true..." Naruto's throat felt bone dry. "She told me that she was being selfish. She said that she was there of her own free will. She told me that I had shown her the right way. She said that my smile had saved her. She said that she wasn't afraid to die protecting me." He didn't realize it, but his hands gripped his trousers so tightly that he nearly tore the fabric. "She said-" He couldn't get the words out.

"'I love you.'" Tsunade said for him.

"Oh my!" A visiting dignitary that had been walking up to pay the Hokage his respects came to a screeching halt. "I didn't mean to intrude." Hhe licked his lips and gave Naruto a subtle nod of the head. "My... my... my..." He headed back the way he came, looking like someone who found a pearl in his oyster. "I bet I know who's going to win this contest." Bet was the operative word. He wanted to find a bookie as fast as he could.

"Wait! Sir! That wasn't what you think!" Tsunade rose to acost the gentleman, but he had disappeared nto the crowd. **"Damn!"**

The Hokage was about to send nearby ANBU members after the man, but found herself caught up in a sudden landslide of farm-hands and farmers. The men carried huge baskets on their heads and large sacks on their backs, all holding fresh produce destined for the food stands. Because they were rockers too, a few carried music systems that were every bit as loud as those that had moved past earlier. If anything, their taste in music was even more jolting:

_Working on a sex farm  
>Trying to raise some hard love<br>Getting out my pitch fork  
>Poking your hay<br>_

_Scratching in your henhouse  
>Sniffing at your feedbag<br>Slipping out your backdoor  
>Leaving my spray<em>

"Wh-Wh-Wh-What_ is_ that garbage!" The Hokage found the lyrics to be in very bad taste.

"It's not garbage, Ma'am!" One of the farmers held up a rather large turnip. "It's the finest quality. I swear my life on it!" Obviously he had missed her meaning.

_Sex farm woman  
>I'm gonna mow you down<br>Sex farm woman  
>I'll rake and mow you down<br>Sex farm woman  
>Don't you see my silo rising high, high, high<em>

_Working on a sex farm_  
><em>Hosing down your barn door<em>  
><em>Bothering your livestock<em>  
><em>They know what I need<em>

"Hey! You there! Who is responsible for that crap!" Tsunade was getting angrier by the moment. She was a patron of the Konohagakure Philharmonic and did not care one whit for rock'n'roll.

"Only the finest cows," a grunting man said, carrying a bag of manure. He was going to trade it for tools with a farmer from another nation. He too missed her meaning.

_Working up a hot sweat  
>Crouching in your pea patch<br>Plowing through your beanfield  
>Planting my seed<em>

_Sex farm woman_  
><em>I'll be your hired hand<em>  
><em>Sex farm woman<em>  
><em>I'll let my offer stand<em>  
><em>Sex farm woman<em>  
><em>Don't you feel my tractor rumbling by, by, by<em>

"**THAT'S ENOUGH!"**

The Hokage stomped her foot so hard, that the earth beneath her feel rose up in bulges, as if a sea serpent was buried just beneath the soil. Farmers flew everywhere. Baskets, sacks, and contents flew even higher.

After Naruto helped pull Tsunade out of the subsequent pyramid of disoriented men, he looked away as she pulled runaway vegetables out of her bodice. He then picked up where they had left off, wanting to make a point.

"You know, Sakura told me that she loved me, too." Naruto somehow felt uncomfortable about Hinata's past confession. Was it because he liked someone else? Was it because he didn't see Hinata as someone he might have feelings for? Was it because he didn't see himself as worthy of anyone's feelings? This was something he would have to think about in calmer times.

"So, does Sakura_ really_ hold that kind of place in your heart?" Tsunade had chatted with her trainee at times, but the subject of Naruto rarely came up, unless he had done something to piss off the younger Medical Nin. When she had opened up, she had been very much uncertain and confused. "She told Sasuke that she loved him, back when he was about to leave with the Sound Four. I heard how she had fawned over him before that, and how she and Ino viewed themselves as rivals of a sort. Like you, she kept true to her feelings, even when Sasuke became a bigger and bigger criminal. I wonder how she feels about him truly. I wonder what she might do, if he is ever officially forgiven... if he attempts to adjust to a life in the village he once hated... and if he turns to someone he knows best to help rebuild his clan."

"Even though she might not truly love me _now_..." Naruto had to be honest with himself. Back when Sakura made efforts to confess to him in the Land of Iron, he hadn't believed her. He knew that she had been worried about him, because he was putting himself in so much danger for Sasuke's sake. He had suspected that she still loved Sasuke, and was only professing her love to keep him from chasing after their friend any further. He had seen how conflicted she was, when she later tried to kill that friend. "...She still might really love me later..." He was about to say that he had influenced Sakura desire to to be stronger, just the way that he had influenced Hinata. That wasn't entirely true. She had wanted to get stronger so that the two of them could go after Sasuke.

"Yes, there's no way to deny that," Tsunade said. "You might enjoy dating a young woman with a split personality." She had meant that as a joke, but somehow felt catty just the same. It wasn't her business to play matchmaker.

"Split personality? _What _split personality!" Naruto was part curious, and part offended. He didn't like it when people cast aspersions on his comrades, even if they were only joking.

"She's never told you about Inner Sakura?" The Hokage nibbled at one painted fingernail. "You knoe, the reason that the _Mind Body Switch Technique_ of Ino's didn't work during the exams?" She had seen the videotape of every fight that took place during Naruto's Chūnin exams. "Hmmm-mm-m. I think that I will leave that for _her_ to explain."

"Huh? But what-" Naruto felt like the rug had be pulled out from under him for the millionth time that day. "Either way, Sakura's a nice girl, just like Hinata! I suppose... if I ended up with _either_ of them..." Again, his emotions made it feel as if he were spinning like a top or drill bit.

"You do. On a routine basis." The Hokage put her hand to her hat, to prevent it from flying off during a sudeen gust of wind. "That's the problem."

"_P-...P-...P-..._Problem?" Nauto sputtered when a used food wrapper clung to his face like an octopus.

He wiped his face clean after prying off the garbage.

"There's a war out there that makes the Shiobi Wars look like a badminton match gone bad." Tsunade was being facietious. Then again, maybe not. "Naru-Hina fans versus Saku-Naru fans." She could understand how those two particular camps might have come into being, and why they were the largest fan-groups. "Sure, there are Sasu-Saku fans... Sasu-Naru fans... every combination you can think of, some of which make some sense, but most of which make no sense at all..."

"**I**... **don't**... **feel**... **that**... **way.**.. **about.**.. **Sasuke**..." Naruto was beet red in the face. In part, his pride and masculinty were being insulted. Mostly though, he was standing up for his friend. If he ever came across a writer who made Sasuke his love interest, he would pound the jerk into a bloody pulp. He crushed a can of soda that he had picked up unknowingly, causing the foaming liquid to shoot upward. He was lucky. It just missed him. His anger making him thirsty, he picked up another can, pulled off the tab, and began guzzling the ice cold confection.

_I should have quit you, long time ago. _

_I should have quit you, long time ago.  
>I wouldn't be here, my children, down on this killin' floor. <em>

_I should have listened, baby, to my second mind _

_I should have listened, baby, to my second mind  
>Everytime I go away and leave you, darling, you send me the blues way down the line. <em>

_Said, people worry I can't keep you satisfied.  
><em>_Let me tell you baby, you ain't nothin but a two-bit, no-good jive. _

Naruto was relieved. The lyrics to this song were normal enough. He didn't get the reference to a killing floor or a second mind. That was okay. The beat was actually a bit catchy. He did feel a bit uneasy about the reference made to keeping someone satisfied. And he certainly wouldn't want to talk that way to any girl or woman.

Belching, he excused himself. Still thisty, he began taking deep swigs of canned iced tea this time.

_Went to sleep last night, worked as hard as I can,  
>Bring home my money, you take my money, give it to another man.<br>I should have quit you, baby, such a long time ago.  
>I wouldn't be here with all my troubles, down on this killing floor. <em>

_Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg. _

_Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg  
>The way you squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed<em>_._

After iced tea shot out of his nose in twin streams, Naruto began choking. The drink had gone down the wrong way.

"L-" he coughed. "Lemon!" He could understand that metaphor easily enough. Looking down at the can in his hand, he saw that the tea was flavored with lemon. Great. Even his refreshment seemed to be taunting him.

"Maybe you should stop paying attention to thse songs," Tsunade suggested. "Focus! Because there are so many stories about Sakura and Hinata... and because the anime and manga do nothing to resolve the whole choice issue..." As if there really _was_ any kind of issue. No doubt the original author was quite content with the way things were. "...Some people get really upset. That's part of the reason this nonsense is happening now. There are also a large number of fans that have a need for romance of _any_ kind in the stories that they read or the stories that they write. There are those who aren't truly happy unless there is sex, sex, sex. Maybe that's because they will have to wait a long time before they get any themselves. Or maybe it's because they get too much." She knew it was more than that. Sex was everywhere. Always had been. Always would be.

Naruto was about to say something about perverts, but bit his tongue. Many of the people he loved and treasured were said to have been perverted. Sarutobi taught Jiraiya. Jiraiya taught Minato. His father taught Kakashi. And Kakashi taught... him. No. Maybe Sasuke would turn out to be the pervert from Team Seven. Or Sakura! Right! Sakura! He was too relieved to feel guilty for his thoughts.

"There are a lot of things that cause fans to get angry or upset," the Hokage claimed. "It would take all night and all day to list them all." She watched a flare streak skyward and explode. That was a signal for Kakashi. The jounin would be headed to the microphone soon, and the large towering banks of lights would be turned on. As it was, searchlights sent beams of light upwards, playing a game of tag on the bottom of the low-hanging clouds. "For example... a lot of the fans find the current arc of the main story boring. They think that the original author is messing things up, having some many dead ninja under Kabuto's control..."

"And having such dangerous and historic fighters getting their asses kicked too easily," Naruto said. "Too easily, and in quick unsatisfying battles. Amazing imagination. Lame execution."

"Right," Tsunade agreed. "Fans got pissed. Pissed fans formed a tribunal. The tribunal flexed its muscles. And so forth and so on."

"And here we are," Naruto said. There was still a part of him that would not give up. He was not someone to back down from anything or anyone. Could he find a way out of this mess, before it was too late?

"Yes, here we are." Tsunade said.

"There you are," a deep voice said. That voice belonged to a towering man without a name, a man who had been created as the story's enforcer. "Lady Tsunade, there's no time to waste." That hulking individual, clad in a dark trenchcoat and wearing a tilted and wide-brimmed hat, tossed her a nicely wrapped package. "You' need to open that. We have to go. Now."

"_Where_ do we have to go, and why the hell is it we? By that, I mean me!"" The Hokage was in no mood to be messed with. Her emotions had already reached dangerous levels. This whole proceding was more than any caring leader could stomach. "And what is _this?"_ She tossed the package on the table.

"This is your outfit," the mysterious man said evenly. Somehow, without the necessary intermediate steps, a long slinky cocktail dress hung from his arm and the package was no longer present. "We need to get backstage with the other women, since the author has decided to bring your name up for vote."

"No way." Naruto was a volcano ready to blow. "No fcking way!" Without taking time to calmly reason things out, he growled and began to form a Rasengan.

**POOOO-OOO-OO-OF!**

A large cloud of smoke enveloped the irate ninja. When the cloud disipated, a small red fox kit stood where Naruto one had. The pup had nine tails.

"Don't you just love omnipotent powers," the enforcer said to the Hokage. He looked down at the pup. "Such a cute little thing. Some anime fans adore cute things of every sort. They sell like crazy at the conventions. See-" He held up a key chain with tiny chibi manga heroines. "Don't worry, he'll pop back to normal in a minute or two. After all, this isn't a story about bestiality." He laughed at his own joke, bowed to Tsunade, and escorted her to the dressing area.

"Kon kon kon." The Naruto fox yelped when the lights went on.

**x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x**

_Song lyrics used in this chapter:_

Big Balls _by AC/DC_

Sex Farm Woman _by Spinal Tap_

The Lemon Song _by Led Zeppelin._


	4. Do the math

The large white stage practically glowed, bathed in the light of so many huge incandescent bulbs.

That wasn't the only source of light. Respectful women held long wax tapers. Long haired youths waved butane lighters over their heads. Children held flashlights topped by glowing replicas of their favorite shinobi's or kunoichi's head. Village policement waved long glowing batons, dirrecting dignitaries to their seats.

A tall tower next to the sage held traditional drummers, who now began to strike up a breathtaking beat.

That wasn't the only source of noise. Food vendors were now using megaphones. Toddlers blew on whistles and elderly men and women entertained themselves with party poppers. There were bells, gongs, marracas, and even vuvuzelas of every possible size and color. Popular music played on portable players and pub-goers were singing at the top of their lungs.

It wasn't just sight. It wasn't just sound. Each and every sense was teased or tormented in countless ways. It was almost as if entire continents had been condensed, carried, and constructed at that very site.

"This... this is just..." Naruto had returned to his true form. Well, mostly. He had stuffed the remaining tails inside his pants, making it look like he had a humongous butt. "This is just too much." There was too much to take in. There was too much to worry about. What did it all mean? What did all this say about him. And when would those blasted tails disappear!

"This is not your fault." It was as if Neji could read his thoughts. The white-eyed boy stood with him, as did his other closest friends. "It does not say anything about you. You still have the best eyes of anyone I know. The best eyes... the best heart..."

"It _does_ show that you're pretty damn popular," Kiba said. "_And_ pretty damn lucky" The moment that he said it, Kiba realized the falsehood of his statement. Sure, he dreamed about wild sexual escapades like many teenage boys did. But, if he had found himself in Naruto's shoes, his bragging and boasting would turn to ashes in his mouth. "Well... maybe _bad_ luck..." He put a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Sorry man."

"It could be worse," Shino said, surprising everyone by his attempt at making a joke and improving the mood. "The FanFic author could have put us _all_ in green stretchy suits." He shrunk down further in his cowl, as he watched a large number of eavesdroppers take a few steps back, as if he and his friends were contagious.

"**Ahhhhh-hhhh-hhh-hh-h!"** Lee thrust an arm upward. "That would be _great!"_

"Who brought _him_," Choji said, arm full of snack bags. He offered one to Shikamaru who was too bothered to accept.

"Perhaps they will provide Naruto with green stretchy condoms," Sai mused. He had been reading about various sexual topics, being a total innocent. At least that's what most people thought. Some people wondered if he might be a closet perveret in the making.

"They had better not!" Naruto shook a fist at Sai. It was a well-conditioned reflex.

"I see." Sai's voice held a distict edge of disapproval. "Perhaps the events have all gone to your head. You were always a caring person before." He sighed. "I am certain that you must know that condoms are barrier devices. Thoughtful men wear them to prevent pregnancy and to protect partners from sexually transmitted disease. In case you were unaware, a rolled up condom is placed on the erect penis of a man and _mrphlbrglmrphlblrt."_

"Keep it quiet, moron!" Kiba had his hand over Sai's mouth. There was a time and a place for the other boy's nonsense, and this was _not_ it. No. Wait. There was _never_ a good time for that kind of thing!

"You touched my mouth," Sai remarked. "That is an intimate part of my person. Was that an offer to play rough games? Did my mention of penises cause you to have swelling and elongation? Is this story going to turn into Yaoi or Shōnen-ai? Do you prefer young men?"

"Enough with the penises, already." Naruto spoke under his breath. He remembered the first time that he had met Sai. When Naruto had been searching for companions to join him in a mission to find Sasuke, he had run across Sai, who had been sent to join a reborn Team Kakashi. Sai had been ordered to meet with a spy in Orochimaru's ranks. The Root ninja had attacked Naruto, Choji, and Shikamaru, and when he crossed weapons with Naruto, had said 'You're fairly weak, so what do you have between your legs?'

Later, when Sai had been officially added to the team along with Yamato, he had said 'I wanted to gauge the ability of my new team member. I didn't know that I'd have to look after the little prick with no balls'. Then, later, after Sai, Sakura, and Naruto had been squabbling over certain comments that the emotioneless boy made about Sasuske, Yamato brought them to a hot spring to help them bond and unwind. There, Sai had glanced at a naked Naruto and said 'Well, well. So you really _do_ have one after all.'

"**SAI!" **Kiba looked like he was growing fangs this time. At his side, Akamaru growled, his hair erect and his mouth open. Drool pooled at his furry paws. "Shut it and keep it shut, if you know what is good for you." He did not like the way that people were looking at him and whispering behind their hands.

"I see. Now it is threats." Sai began drawing figures with ink, preparing to defend himself if necessary. "This will be Whump? H/C?" _Hurt/Comfort._ "URST" _Unresolved sexual tension_. "I certainally hope that it will not be Mpreg or PWP." _Male Pregnancy_ and_ Porn Without Plot_. "Hmmm-mm-m. The dog is here, too. Might it be squick?" _Fanfiction with taboo and sexually charge themes_ _such as underage sex, incest, pedophilia, and beastiality._ "Perhaps you think I am nothing more than a woobie." _A character that experiences excessive misfortune or abuse, prompting a feeling of sympathy in the reader. _

"I don't care what the author might want. I think _I _will choose Whump" Kiba bagan rubbing his hands together. "Akamaru!"

_**GRRRRRR-RRRRR-RRRR-RRR-RR-R**_

The large dog pawwed at the dirt. His eyes flashed. It looked as if he were about to leap into action.

Naturally, he would never hurt a friend. There were ways to show his and Kiba's displeasure without causing any damage.

"This is too troublesome to tolerate." Shikamaru was about to pull rank. He began the hand seals for the Shadow Bind technique.

"They're turning it on," a boy shouted, distracting the squabbling shinobi. He was referring to one of the Nine Wonders of the shinobi world.

At the center of the immense stage, a wooden wheel towered above the crowd. Thirty stories high, and patterned after a type of game seen at casinos in the Land of the Sea, the wheel was made up of concentric rings, each painted a different color and decorated by fancy filligree and stunning designs. The center of the wheel was decorated in fancy forms made of gold leaf: toads, snakes, and slugs. Vertical spokes held flat slats. The outer rim had a machined brass pin for each slat. A long thin pointer mounted on a flexible piece of leather would rub against the pins as the wheel spun, causing the wheel to slow down by means of friction. Numerous small colored lightbulbs were embedded in every available space.

Slowly, banks of lights flashed on and off, before going dead again. Operators were checking out myriad switches and relays, making certain that miles of copper wire was properly placed. A number of ninja with ice jutsus stood ready around large generators and power plants. Shinobi with other skills were preapring to keep the wheel well lubricated and perfectly balanced.

While the preparory actions took place, various minor dignitaries from the Leaf and others nations took the opportunity to make speechs to the growing crowd. All of the many activities taking place within that surging mass of humanity resembled the tuumultuous scenes one might come across at the major sporting events that served as the life's blood of fans in sports-crazy countries. Indeed, there were young men and women in that crowd who could have been plucked from a penultimate match. One line of burly men, sans shirts, had painted their chests with orange paint. On those chests, there were black letters that spelled out **U**-**Z**-**U**-**M**-**A**-**K**-**I**-**N-A**-**R**-**U**-**T**-**O**. On their backs, pained black, there were orange letters that spelled out **T**-**I-M**-**E**-**T**-**O**-**G**-**E-****T-****S**-**O**-**M**-**E**. Next to them a group of citrus-starved fans held up signs that read 'Finally' anytime the painted men shouted and turned in unison.

After the official guest speakers finished with their spiels, the Konoha dancers took the stage, dressed in outfits that would have been a credit to the best Las Vegas shows in the real world. They performed carefully choreographed numbers with fans and large transparent balls, walking a fine line between art and burlesque. Striding amongst them, wearing a glitter-encrusted flak vest, Kakashi led the crowd in applause for the scantily clad women. An academy student assigned as his aide ran out with a rhinestone covered top hat, but he motioned the young shinobi away. He had been given this assignment against his will, but still had some freedom of choice. He pushed cotton balls further inside his auditory canals. The Konoha band as playing at the back of the stage, bewteen huge stacks of speakers. He could barely hear himself think.

A group of villagers had arranged for their own musical show. They milled around at the foot of the stage, politely waiting for the professional talent to finish their routine. As soon as the speakers went silent and the dancers and band members turned to leave. Those villagers jumped up on stage, Mr. Microphones in hand. Each and every one was dressed up like Naruto, their hair bleached blonde. Standing together, they looked like a long wall of shadow clones. Waving their arms, they soon had the audience's full attention. When one of them placed a CD in the main system's music player, the music for their performance echoed across Konoha and the surrounding land. No one could possibly have expected the song that hey began to sing, a novelty piece written by a threesome calling themselves Gee Said Lee:

_I'm too sexy for my love  
>Too sexy for my love<br>Love's going to leave me  
>I'm too sexy for my shirt<br>Too sexy for my shirts  
>So sexy it hurts<em>

_And I'm too sexy for Konoha  
>Too sexy for Konoha<br>Sunaga and Otoga  
>And I'm too sexy for your party<br>Too sexy for your party  
>No way I'm disco dancing <em>

_I'm a model you know what I mean  
>And I do my little turn on the catwalk<br>Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah  
>I do my little turn on the catwalk <em>

_I'm too sexy for my Bijuu  
>Too sexy for my Bijuu<br>More sexy than he do  
>And I'm too sexy for my hat<br>Too sexy for my hat  
>What do you think about that? <em>

Seeing that the song had originally been about a vain male model, the performers all strutted like they were on the runway at a big time fashion show. That had huge numbers of people hooting and calling out all manner of things.

The more proper members of the village looked on with displeasure. Their disappointment and disgust were nothing compared to Naruto, who at first failed to see the true love and affection that the performers had for him. Instead, he felt ridiculed and picked on, trying to hold back the memories of his days in the Konoha orphanage. He wasn't the angriest one there, however. Behind his navel, the pure avatar of anger and hatred seethed, giving him the world's worst bellyache. Thoughts bubbled up from his gut and burst within his brain.

**THAT CURSED FATHER OF YOURS SHOULD HAVE LET ME DESTROY THIS VILLAGE. LET ME OUT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. YOU HEAR THAT. YOU HEAR THAT TORTUROUS NOISE. MY EARS. THEY BURN.**

"Don't tempt me," Naruto said in replied to the Kyuubi. "There are a lot of people here whose asses I would love you to bite. Or just piss on like they were human fire hydrants." He imagined the Nine tails doing what Akamaru had done earlier and shivered. Just the same, without realizing, he started humming along. He began to get the sense that everyone was laughing _with _him, not_ at_him. That had different memories filling his head. Memories of the villagers who greeted him after his return from dealing with Nagato. He could get through all this. With the help of his precious friends.

_What do you think about that?  
>I'm a model you know what I mean<br>And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
>Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah<br>I shake my little tush on the catwalk _

That had each of the formers turning their backs to the crowd and shaking their butts. Naruto's sense of serenity promptly vanished again. His emotions kept bouncing back and forth across both sides of a metaphorical table, just like a ping pong ball. Hah! Maybe he would end up being be wrung out physically and emotionally, such that he couldn't hold up his end of the deal later. Then again, the damned FanFic writer could probably find some way to give him an endless source of chakra. That thought had obviously occurred to one twit standing next to Naruto in a waiting area he was just moved to. The orange clad ninja did a double take. He recognized the twit. It was Chōjūrō, a member of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist, and the Fifth Mizukage's protector.

"I hear that you have a great deal of chakra," the bespectacled boy commented affably. "Thanks to your being jinchiruuki. And I hear that you can train using numerous shadow clones, learning what each of the clones learns." He cradled the twin sword _Hiramekarei_ in his arms as if it was his loved one. "Imagine what you can accomplish. You could have sexual relations with one girl a thosand times, or a thousand girls one time." He was a bit of a dweeb, and didn't even have the courage necessary to talk to a girl by phone much less in person. "You could become a sex god in one night." His imagination was running far in advance of his common sense, and he was woefully lacking in proper etiquette at the moment. _**"Owww-ww-w!"**_ He had just been cuffed rather sharply on the back of his neck. He bit his lip with his shark-like teeth, causing blood to well up.

_I'm too sexy for my  
>Too sexy for my too sexy for my<br>'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean  
>And I do my little turn on the catwalk<br>Yeah on the catwalk yea on the catwalk, yeah  
>I shake my little tush on the catwalk <em>

"You young idiot!" The cuffer was a middle aged man with a patch over his right eye, under which he hid a Byakugan that he had taken from a defeated Hyūuga clan member. It was Ao, highly skilled Hunter-Nin and Sensor-type shinobi, also one of Mei Terumī's guards. "You're always meek and pessimistic when we need you be be strong and confident. Now, when you should be self-reserved and unseen, you speak out of turn. Did you forget that the Mizukage is one of the candidates for the unspeakable deed that you were so blthely discussing. Fool!" He cuffed his contrite companion again for good measure. "It's bad enough that she was forced into this arrangement. Do not tempt fate for her. Do you want to soil her pride?"

"What did you say?" By coincidence, Mei Terumī was being escorted back to the holding area after having been allowed to vist the Womens' rest room. "No man could ever be forced into an engagement with me after this?" She routinely heard things that Ao said incorrectly, mishearing those things as offensive comments about her love life. "I will not even be able to tempt a man on a date? I'm too soiled to ever be a bride." In her thirties, she was concerned both about her age and her lack of a significant other. "If you don't shut up, I will kill you!" This wasn't the first time that she had threatened his life over a mishap. "Mark my word."

"I don't... but..." Once again, Ao was left confused. He struck out quickly at Chōjūrō, who was smirking at him. The boy managed to dodge the attack. "Why does she constantly say that!"

_'m too sexy for my cat  
>Too sexy for my cat<br>Poor pussy poor pussy cat  
>I'm too sexy for my love<br>Too sexy for my love  
>Love's going to leave me<br>And I'm too sexy for this song_

An equal number of onlookers shouted "Good job!" as did those who screamed "Thank god!" when the skit was complete and the lights dimmed down. Whatever the act might have been, it was memorable. But there were even more memorable things to come. The master of ceremonies should have been making his way to the front of the stage to explain the particulars. Time passed, and the excited crowd began to get antsy. Minutes later, the antsy crowd began to get upset.

"Greetings everybody." Kakashi finally stood in the circle of light shining on the darkened stage. "I'm sorry that I'm late. I got lost on the path of life." In truth, he had left the stage, travelled across town, and shooed away a number of people who had camped out at the site of Obito's grave monument.

"Not _that_ excuse again, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto and Sakura had heard plenty of excuses in the past, as had Sasuke when he was still a member of Team Seven.

"OK... OK..." Kakashi held his hands up as if he were asking for forgiveness. "What really happened... a black cat crossed my path."

"You've used that one before, too! You traitor!" That irate voice belonged to Sakura, who was off behind the stage, out of view. A loud sound could be heard, followed by an even louder noise. Specifically, it sounded like a large brick facility was falling down. "I won't ever forgive you! Jerk!"

"Actually..." Kakashi flicked away a sweat drop from his temple area. Sakura was a very strong girl, and she had every reason to be angry. He was certain that he could get her to understand that his actions were being written, not voluntarily chosen. For example, if it were up to him, he wouldn't add another corny excuse he had used once before, and certainly wouldn't have his hand in his pocket as he did now. "I'll come clean to you guys. I bumped into a very cute girl and she wanted to dance."

"**LIAR!"** That was Naruto and Sakura shouting in unison from different sides of the stage.

"_Me?"_ Kakashi looked affronted. "Is that how you two treat your old teacher?" He shook his head and took too sperical bells out of his pants. It was the very set that he had used twice before to test their ability. "Maybe we need to have another contest." He smiled. That smile was his own action. He was very fond of the two ninjas, and enjoyed teasing them now and again. "Just kidding," he added, before Naruto and Sakura could respond. "I just thought that everyone might enjoy another song before we get started. I'm certain it will put everyone in the right mood." He spun the bells around one finger, and then hung them down at his crotch area. That wasn't his idea. Neither was the song. Especially since _he _would be the one singing it. "Hit it boys and girls!" The band began to play. "Sing this one with me. Everybody sing this one, I wanna hear everybody join in!" Kakashi began clapping his hands and singing. The crowd joined in. It was like the karoke night from Hell. The song oozed innuendo.

_When I was a little bitty boy  
>My Grandmother bought me a cute little toy<br>Silver bells hanging on a string  
>She said it was my Ding a ling a ling<em>

_Oh my ding a ling, Everybody sing_  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling<em>  
><em>Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling<em>  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling<em>

Kakashi swung his hips abruptly, causing a large number of teenage girls to squeal and fall to their knees. "I forgot to tell you it's a little jerk. Right there. A little jerk in it." He flipped his hip again. "Right there. Can't do without that jerk. Yeah." He took up where he had left off.

_When I started Grammar School  
>I used to stop off in the vestibule<br>Every time that bell would ring  
>I'd take out my ding a ling a ling<em>

_Oh my ding a ling, Everybody sing_  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling<em>  
><em>My ding a ling, my ding a ling<em>  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling<em>

"Here comes that jerk again. Mmmm-mmm-mm-m. Does something good to ya." Kakashi's pelvic thrusts would have brought tears to the eyes of Elvis Presley."

_Humpty dumpty on the wall  
>Humpty had an awful fall<br>When they went to tell the king  
>Caught him playing with his ding a ling<em>

_Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling_  
><em>Come on now everybody sing<em>  
><em>My ding a ling, my ding a ling<em>  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling<em>

"Oh yeah, Got something to it!" Once again, the Copy Ninja did his thing. He copied the stylings of the original singer.

_Remember the girl next door  
><em>_We used to play house on the kitchen floor  
>I'd be king, she'd be queen<br>Together we'd play with our ding a ling a ling_

_My ding a ling, Oh my_  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling<em>

"Mmmm-mmm-mm-m!" That time, it was Shino making the exclamation. He suddenly turned red, realizing that he had been loud enough to be heard by the people closest to him.

"Uhhh..." Choji began blushing too. He had begun swinging his huge hips whenever Kakashi made his exclamations. He had gotten into the song a bit too much himself.

"I'm glad that Asuma-sensei was not alive to see that," Shikamaru grumped.

"Why?" That was Hayama Shirakumo. He could easily been asking why he had a speaking part, since he was rarely shown in the anime and had never appeared in the manga. In the former, he had been assigned to patrol the northern borders along with Tekuno, and Kosuke Maruboshi after the Invasion of Konoha. When they had been ambushed by a group of ninja from Land of Earth. He had stayed behind to allow the other members of the squad time to escape and report to the village. Summoning a crossbow with explosive projectiles, he and Tekuno went on to wipe out most of the enemy shinobi. "Why would you say that, Shikamaru? Asuma probably would have joined in!"

"Geez." Shikamaru hung his head. "Just when things couldn't possible get more bothersome, they do." Bit players were able to disturb his peace, now. What next?

_When they took me to Sunday School  
>Tried to teach me the golden rule<br>But every time the quire would sing  
>Catch me playing with my ding a ling<em>

_Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling_  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling<em>  
><em>My ding... That's right... my ding a ling<em>  
><em>I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling<em>

Kakashi was about to say 'You know,_ I_ didn't hear everybody singing, Everybody joins in on tha chorus'. But, he had an incoming message. Breathless, the jounin put one hand to his ear so that he could better hear the small speaker clipped to his earlobe. The women were almost ready. It was time to explain the details to the rambunctious revelers. He could cut the song short, and most people wouldn't have a clue. "Thank you, folks. That was my singing debut. My first, and my last." He waved away the applause that followed. In solemn tones, he explained the history behind the night's event. He then brought things into the present, setting things up for the immediate future.

"I know that everyone has marvelled at this monstrosity." Kakashi pointed at the gigantic wooden wheel. "Lit up, it can be seen from miles around. It took hundreds of acres of deforestation to provide the wood. Skilled craftsmen from willages that we all knew... and from villages that were totally new... labored together for months to build this. Cooks, cleaners, and cottage owners provided more support than anyone can imagine. This has been a team effort." He wanted to add 'But I hardly feel like a good sport,' but couldn't get those words out. He wondered how many of the audience members were happy or excited in their own right, and how many were worried or distraught. He further wondered how the readership might feel.

"Later tonight, someone will get this wheel spinning, and the woman whose name ends up at the pointer will be rushed off to a cozy love nest with our hero, Uzumaki Naruto." That truth brought countless whistles and catcalls. Cheers rang out, and a number of different girl's names were chanted. "I'm certain that we can all imagine the things that will happen after that." That brought a number of groans from the back of the stage. Barely visible in the dark, a large group of women stood awaiting their introduiction. "As you know, there are people out there..." The masked ninja pointed at the sky, a metaphor for a world beyond there world. "...Who think that Naruto has been a virgin long enough."

"I bet nobody here thinks that!" Naruto jumped up on stage. He swallowed hard. "Do they?" He almost didn't want to hear the answer. So many people were partying like there was no tomorrow. "I mean... nobody wants it on their_ own_, right?" He hung his head when a large number of people called out that they _did _think it was time that the boy became a man. He felt a small feeling of warmth spread throughout his body when a greater number of people answered in his favor. "Well... if that many of you will support me... then maybe we can find a way to stop all this nosnsense. I know that I would never stop fighting for all of you. I hope that none of you..." He looked around frantically when he began floating off the platform as if he was being lifted by a huge invisible hand. "Would ever... stop fighting...for me..." He tried to shake free, unsuccessfully. "Hey... what the hell is going on?"

"I'm sorry, Naruto." Kakashi watched as Naruto was placed down on circle of light that appeared in a clearing at the front of the stage. He frowned, seeing the mysterious enforcer standing there, making motions with his hand that translated to Naruto's movement. "Where was I? Oh. Right. Virgin. Well then, let's cut to the chase. It takes two to tango. And... as you might have noticed... there are no names or numbers on the wheel." He went on to explain that names would be painted on the white boards that had been hammered onto the wheel's slats. The names would be chosen by the crowd, from the bevy of babes that he would be introducing and speaking about.

"You guys will be chosing the names," the Copy Ninja stated. "But, before we get to that, it's time for a little odds making. For that, I will need the assistance of a genius."

"When it rains it pours." Shikamaru didn't look very happy. He had a sinking feeling that he was about to be troubled even more. He was correct. Kakashi called out his name and gave him a terse but cheerful introduction. He found himself floating upward, the same way that Naruto had. In a few moments, he found himself standing next to the masked ninja. "So... what exactly am I supposed to discuss?"

"There are fifty-two blank segments on the wheel" Kakshi pointed to the wheel again. The operators lit one slat after another, until all fifty-two had been illuminated. "There will be a name placed on each segment. It can be fifty-two separate names... one name fifty-two times... or usesful combinations in between."

"And you want me to factor out the probability of winning?" Shikamaru closed his eyes and sighed.

"Yes," Kakashi replied. "And I want you to come up with reasonable odds for the bettors, too."

"Bettors?" Shikamaru's eyes narrowed. Now, instead of his usual languid look of annoyance, he seemed rather angry. His posture was stiff. His hands clenched into fists. "With all of the other iniquities we've been forced to endure, we are now going to add gambling to the list? Illicit is bad enough! Illegal is out of the question." A large number of people called out their agreement.

"You're right," Kakashi said, spreading his arms. "But, the writer sent word that this will all serve a good purpose. The money that is bet will be pooled together. One third of the winnings will be split amongst those who hold a ticket with the winning girl's name. Another third will be donated to the Shinobi Wars Orphan and Widows Foundation. The remaining third will be given to a newly formed group of shinobi that has been formed from the surviving members of Root, and similar underground agencies from the other villages. They have named themselves SOY."

"SOY?" Shikamaru had properly capitalized the letters. Numerous other people had said the same thing at the same time. Some were wondering if the FanFic author was health concious.

"It stands for _Stamp Out Yaoi,_" Kakashi explained. Not wanting to take the chance that proponents of alternate life styles might get into a heated shouting match or worse, he quickly added "And there will be donations to other worthy charities." He turned and looked to one corner of the stage. There were large carts there, loaded down with glossy publications. "There are photo-books that you can buy, so that you can look at glossy eight by tens during my introductions. They also contain more history and background than I'm going to give." Shinobi pushed the carts down large ramps and began making sales. "I'm going to contribute, too."

"I'll give you _this_ if you will take off your mask!" A woman sat on her friend's shoulders. She held up enormous wads of money. Before he caught sight of her, Kakashi had been worried that she might be holding a bra or panties.

"Me too!" "And me!" "Me." "Me me me mememememe." "Don't forget me!" "Or me." Countless people yelled out. So much money was be waved about that the audience looked like a treetop swaying in a stiff breeze."

"I-" Kakashi coughed. That caught him off guard. "That would-" He felt as if he had been caught, hook line and sinker. "Alright..." The carts had already been emptied of photobooks. That was convenient. People began filling them up with money. When all of the money had been donated, he reluctantly pulled down his mask. Flashbulbs went off in abundance. Women and men alike swooned. When everyone had settled down again, the Copy Ninja was able to finish what he had intended to say earlier.

"I will be carrying on the _Icha Icha_ series of books as the new author." That made sense to many people, seeing how much that the re-masked ninja loved that series. And, it was a commonly known fact that Kakashi had been taught by Minatao, who himself had been taught by Jiraiya, the original author. "The next book will be about this very night. It will hold secrets that no one knows but me. And..." He performed an admirable stage whisper. "...It will have a blow by blow account of the happy couple's special evening, no pun intended." After the crowd quieted down again, he fnished by saying "I will be giving half of the proceeds to the orpans and widows."

"Should we get to the odds part?" Shikamaru didn't want to be up on stage any longer than he had to.

"Sure. Go ahead. We would have been done by now if you you hadn't made such a big stink about the wagering." Kakashi winked.

"Alright." Shikamaru sucked in his breath, held it, and then let it out in a long sigh before doing his part. He placed his hands together the way that he often did when thinking through a plan. "A name that is placed on the wheel one time will have a 1.9 percent chance of winning. I would set betting at 50 to 1. The house edge will be 1.9 percent."

"That is correct," Neji said somewhere in the sudience. He was a genius, too.

"Shikamaru is so smart," Choji chirped.

"How about a name that is put on _two_ times?" Some unknown person called that out.

"I was getting there," Shikamaru stated sourly. The probability of that name winning would be 3.9 percent. Reasonable odds would be 20 to 1. The house edge would be 19.2 percent."

"How about three times," another unseen person shouted.

"Hey! You let Shikamaru speak." Choji began growing in size. Soon enough, he towered over the crowd. Everyone went dead silent.

"I wonder if he can do that with his _mrphl." _Sai never got his final two-syallable word out. No one had any trouble guessing what word that would be.

"What are the odds that Mister Verbal Diarrhea gets gagged and thrown in a holding cell for the rest of the show?" Kiba wasn't the only one who found Sai's personality a bit off-putting. Some people offered donations towards having Sai silenced. Finding his behavior refreshing, a similar number of people made counter-offers.

"For four sectors," Shikamarus said in a bit of a rush, not wanting the crowd to get out of hand. He signalled to Choji, who picked up Sai and took to him to an unannounced location. "The chance of winning would be 7.7 percent. Odds would be 10 to 1. House edge would also be 7.7 percent. For eight sectors, the probability would increase to 15.4 percent... odds would drop to 5 to 1... and house edge would be 7.7 percent. For twelve sectors, the numbers would be 23.1 percent, 3 to 1, and 7.7 percent. The largest number of sectors that can easily be factored is twenty-four. That would generate 46.2 percent of winning... 1 to 1 odds... and an edge of 7.7 percent." He turned to Kakashi. "May I go now?"

"Sure," the Copy Ninja said. "Unless you want to put on a dress and join them." He motioned back towards the waiting women.

"Funny," Shikamaru said. He wasn't going to dignifiy Kakashi with anything more than that. He jumped off the stage and went looking for a bottle of aspirin.

"So, there you have it. If the math is correct... and we all know it will be..." Kakashi said. "...We need to come up with combinations of one, two, four, eight, twelve, and twenty four. We could do the fifty-two thing, but that wouldn't leave any room for betting and charitable donations. Either way, we need to know the girls that we can choose from." That brong a long drawn out series of applause. One group of drunken ninja started The Wave in the crowd. Whichever Kage they were honorbound to would like have a very choice assignment picked out for them come the next dawn.

"It's your time, ladies!" Kakashi raised both arms. Fireworks streaked skyward. After they had all exploded, the lights all came on again.

**x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x**

_For those who didn't recognize the songs and the singers, here are the details:_

'I'm Too Sexy'

_By the English trio _Right Said Fred._ 1992. Topped the American charts for three weeks._

'My Ding A Ling'

B_y _Chuck Berry._ 1972. The only single of his that topped the Pop charts._


	5. The show begins

"Our first... contestant."

Kakashi coughed. He had almost said 'victim.' But, that wasn't the thing that had him feeling on edge. It was the look that a fair-skinned girl with brown eyes and brown hair gave him. "Ayame."

Naruto's frown deepened. Ayame was one of his special friends. She and her father were amonst a small number people that had treated him kindly when he was young.

"Ayame is the waitress at Naruto's favorite eatery, the Ichiraku Ramen Bar." Kakashi took two steps back when the girl siddled a half step towards him. She wasn't wearing her usual white robe with folded sleeves. Instead, she wore her customary apron over a frilly lingrie. He absentmindedly noted that there was more fabric in her customary white bandana than there was in her teddy. "In the anime... right before the third stage of the Chūnin Exams... she served Naruto with an expensive bowl of ramen. She thanked him for being their favorite customer. That surprised him and gave him a little boost of confidence when he really needed it." His mask hid a smirk. "Oh... also in the anime... during the Invasion of Konoha arc... she helped Konohamaru when he needed to go to the bathroom."

"Hey! You! Masked villain." That, of course, was the grandson of the Third Hokage. "Don't say things like that. I am the grandson of Sarrutobi Hiruzen, and Naruto's greastest rival. I will be Hokage some day!"

"Yo, Konohamaru!" Naruto called out to his friend, seeing a way to calm him down and get back at Kakashi at the same time. "Did you know that Ayame has a _really_ big crush on Kakashi-sensei? Well, she does!" He smiled when he saw the Copy Ninja hold his hands up and shake his head. His saying that also put Ayame slightly at ease, helping her focus on something positive.

"Let's move on," Kakashi said with another cough. "We don't have time for gossip. It's my pleasure to introduce Ami." A plain-looking woman with black hair stepped up and took Ayame's place. Teuchi's daughter, in turn, headed back to the waiting area. Kakashi was speechless for a moment when he noted that her frilly-nothing had a thong. "She... she was...she was the academy student who once taunted Sakura about having a large forehead, only to have Ino throw a flower into her mouth, claiming that it was poisonous." He went quiet again for a differenet reason. The current contestent was clenching her fists and gritting her teeth. Apparently, she didn't like his description of her. Who could blame her? But, that was all that there was in the little black book that he had found in Jiraiya's belongings. "Ami run off to tell her teacher Suzume. Of course, back then, she wasn't dressed like this-' She was wearing a tight-fitting evening gown decorated in flowers. A lot of leg was showing.

"She didn't look like _that_ in the anime," some perfectionist called out from the crowd.

"Of course she didn't," Kakashi said. "This isn't a time travel story. And even if it was, would you _really_ want her to be a pre-teen. Wait. Don't answer that!" He didn't want to know. And, he didn't add the fact that Ami has eventually washed out from the Academy and become an orthodontist. When the glowering girl was replaced by an older graying woman dressed in a headwrap, a V-necked blouse, and bloomers, he spoke in a stern voice. "Agari. What are _you _doing here?" When he had known her, she had been the wife of Giichi, a construction worker and friend of Inari's grandfather Tazuna. "Married women cannot be contestants!"

"I'm a widow," Agari said. "Giichi died last spring. To his dying day, he was proud of working on the Great Naruto Bridge." She waved to Naruto. He had been a short and noisy young man the last time that she had seen him.

"We don't need any old women or ugly women!" A rude young man shouted from the croed.

"Of course... if she's lost all her teeth... that might be a _good _thing!" Another poorly-raised comedian joined in.

_"Shadow clone jutsu!"_ Naruto did the necessary hand seals and created a group of clones. At his command, they marched over and grabbed the two wags by their ears and dragged them off for a good scolding. "Make sure you wash their mouths out with soap," he called out to the clones.

"You should have them give those guys a bath, too. Seeing that they've got the soap and all." One audience member put a hand over his nose when the two wisecrackers were pulled past him.

"Thank you, Naruto." Agari said before being replaced by a cute brown-haired girl wearing a gown that looked as if it had been spray-painted on.

"This is Emi," Kakashi said. "Once, when she was visiting Shukuba Town to vist with some friends, she had been trapped by Itachi in one of his genjutsu. He had been trying to get the attention of the Frog Hermit so that he could get to Naruto. Realizing that women didn't often pay attention to him unless money was involved, he freed her form the jutsu in time to save his young apprentice."

"Speaking of frogs," a slovenly man covered with fresh food stains cupped his hands around his mouth and called up to Kakashi. "Is Shima going to be here. You know who I mean. Ma Toad. Can we choose her?_ That_ would be reallll-lll-lly kinky!"

"Hey! That reminds me of a joke!" That exclamation came from a man who looked like he ironed his clothes every hour or so. He had large rimmed glasses and tiny beady eyes. Twirling a moth-eaten mustache he said "A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around, she realized that all of the pets there were very extremely expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. 'I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of your animals are so expensive'. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog in the back for fifty bucks. Would you like to see it?'"

"I know that joke," a circus dwarf called out. He had his arm around the waist of a thin seven foot tall woman with a beard. As he spoke, huge hoop earrings jangled at his ears. "'Fifty bucks? For a toad?' The woman seemed shocked. 'How can any toad be worth _that _much?' She turned to leave the shop. 'It's a verrrrr-rrr-rr-ry special toad,' the storekeeper said. He looked one way and then another, to make certain that there were no children about. 'It gives blow jobs'."

"I was telling the joke, half-pint! Don't get short with me." The neatly-dressed man's voice came out in squeak. After he spoke, he seemed upset that no one chuckled at his quip. He fell on his rump when the tall woman bent down and straightened his checkerboard tie. "Well... the... the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought about the purchase. It might be a good idea after all. She'd never have to give her husband oral sex again. She wasn't imto that kind of thing. So, the woman decided to buy the frog." He almost took a dump when the bearded lady blew him a noisy kiss.

"My turn," a pimply young man said, with a voice deeper than anyone might expect. "I have every dirty joke book ever printed, icluding three written by Jiraiya himself!" He looked proud of that. His boast was self-defeating. Every girl within earshot mouthed 'Loser' or held up an 'L' of thumb and forefinger to their foreheads. Oblivious, he continued with the joke. "She took the frog home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical at first. But, not wanting to seem ungrateful, he promised her that he would try it out that night. The woman went to bed humming happily, knowing that her lips would never again have to touch his private parts. Then-" His words were drowned out when a group of people shouted each other down, wanting to take over as narrator. The identity of the winner shocked everyone.

"What?" The man stood with his hands on his hips, scowling. Why did everyone look at him as if he were some kind of circus freak himself. Was it the sheet that hung from his turban-like headgear and covered the left side of his face? "I shall continue, without interruption." It was Baki, relentless warrior of the Sand. Fortunately for him, he didn't see the way that a distant Gaara placed his face into his hands. He also didn't see the way that the unseen women were holding back Yūgao Uzuki. The ANBU member, dressed in a violet one-piece bathing suit, was calling out for a sword. "About two in the morning, the woman woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the downstairs kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the toad, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?'."

"The guy-" The pimply guy tried to get a word in edge wise. He stopped and quickly retreated when the man who had helped kill Hayate Gekko reached for an edged weapon.

"The guy looks up at her and says, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!'" Having said that final part with great gusto, Baki looked around, expecting to hear applause. Hr didn't get any. The crowd had gone entirely silent. The only noise to be heard was the chirping of crickets and whirring of a katydid or two.

"Right. Wonderful. A very touching rendition." Kakashi had been prepared to lash out at the people who has spoken out of turn, and who had chosen to tell such an off color joke. But, seeing how the Leaf's former foe and current staunch ally was involved, he would let things slide. The last thing that anyone wanted was a diplomatic incident. He could picture himself explaining to the Daimyos that the Sand was breaking off its close relationships with the Leaf because of a joke about a toad that was adept at fellatio. The country leaders were practically the only people who had not attended the festival. "Back to the business at hand. I have the honor of calling forth Emiru."

An attractive young woman, her hair tied in a pony-tail as if she were about to sit in a bath, walked out into the light covered in bubbles and nothing else. She was clothed well enough, as long as the bubbles lasted. At the Copy Ninja's behest, she spoke up and described her place in the manga and anime. "I enjoy travelling and hot springs," Emiru said. "I was on the woman's side of the hot springs that Yamatao took Team Kakashi to. Naruto's and Sai's argument had me laughing."

"Thank you," Kakashi said. "I don't know why the team hadn't been called Team Yamato temporarily. My fellow jounin never gets the credit he desreves. In fact, I would like to take this moment to thank him for the efforts he made for this festive night." He waved his arm. Spotlights moved to highlight Yamato, who had tried to find an inconspicuous venue. "As some of you know, Yamato is only a code word. His true name is Tenzo..."

"Thanks a lot, Kakashi." Tenzo was being sarcastic. Now everyone knew his name.

"Oh... right... sorry..." The Copy Ninja realized his mistake. "Forget I just said that! Instead, remember that it was... Yamato... who built the entire stage by himself, through selfless use of his Wood Release techniques."

"But how can he do that?" A matronly woman called up to the master of ceremonies. "She pointed in the direction of the Hokage monument. "I thought that Hashirama Senju, the First Hokage, was the only one who could do that type of thing."

Yamato began waving his arms frantically. He had a good idea what his former ANBU commander might say in response to the woman.

"Oh! You didn't know?" Kakashi cracked his knuckles and launched into a bit of hidden history. "Shorty after Tenzo had been born, he was kidnapped by Orochimaru..." He had to wait until the booing died down. "He was added to fifty-nine other chldren, all of whom were injected with Hashirama's DNA. It was hoped that they could all replicate the First Hokage's wood techniques and develop his ability to control Bijuu, the tailed beasts. Tenzo was the only survivor. In him alone, the experiment was a success. That's why he was chosen to accompany our hero." He nodded towards Naruto, who suddenly found himself blinking rapidly when the spotlights converged on him.

"Wonderful," Yamato said sourly. The disclosure had been bad enough. What came next shocked and unnerved him. "But... I... this..." The dour jounin found himself surrounded by an ever-growing number of audience members. They all held out their photobooks and pens, hoping for his autograph.

"While the bubbles still last, I should also introduce Nae." He bowed to another bubble-covered woman, who went on and gave an brief biography identical to that of Emiru. She was followed by Konada and Otoha, each of whom continued the bubble theme. Kohada was a shapely young woman who had been in the public bath house that Jiraiya spied upon after the Third Hokage's funeral. Otoha was another fetching female, a sexy young nurse that happened to soaking at the bath house that Ebisu brought Naruto to, so that he could work on chakra control.

"Naruto spied on her when he first arrived," Kakashi remarked. That had the crowd whispering amongst themeselves. "But Ebisu stopped him."

"Yeh. He did. Jerk." Naruto folded his arms against his chest, still a bit miffed about the missed opportunity. He hadn't been a pervert. He had been a healthy young boy! Suddenly, he smiled an evil grin. He would have his belated revenge in a very fitting manner. Back when Ebisu had been Konohamaru's teacher and had disapproved of Naruto rather vocally, the young jinchiruuki defeated him with a technique of his own creation. _"Shadow Clone no jutsu! Sexy technique!"_ Naruto upped the ante with his harem technique, and sent the naked women to surround Ebisu. The jounin soon began spouting blood, falling to the ground with his glasses fogged over. "Sleep tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite!"

After the interruption, Kakashi continued with his duties, calling three girls in succession. Each of them was also covered with bubbles, but that was the result of literary license, since each had been dressed in a two-piece bathing suit in the anime. Okyo and the other two girls were the ones that Jiraiya had spied on with a telescope, back in the day when he had been teaching Naruto _Kuchiyose no jutsu._

"Thank you, ladies." Kakashi spoke to the group of bubble covered women, who had been asked to loiter together instead of heading back to the waiting area. "I'm certain you're feeling pretty warm after your turn under the big lights." He took a moment to wipe his own brow. "If you like, you can step over to the big fans!" A number of ten foot fans were blowing air across the stage.

"Sure! That would feel great!" Otoha began walking towards one of the fans. Every male in the audience found himself holding his breath.

"No!" Nae grabbed Otaha's arm and restrained her. "Think about it! Bubbles. Body. Blown away..." That had Otoha turning pink all over. She ran off the stage, followed by the other women.

**BOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO**

Many men showed their disappointed. Not long after that, their female companions kicked them in their shins, dumped soda over their heads, or decided that they would have a headached every night for the next few months.

Getting things back on track, Kakashi introduced numerous women one after the other, allowing them to tell their tales, and reciting the history of those who would rather have him speak. There were Momija and Suzuki, the busty women who had siphoned off much of the money inside the frog purse that the Frog Hermit had pilfered from Naruto. There was Suzume, teacher of Sakura's kunoichi class at the Academy. There was Sari, a young genin from Sunagakure, and her friend Matsuri. They both had a crush on their Kage, Gaara. There was also another Matsuri, this one from Konoha. She had been the student that asked the Third Hokage if there was anyone that he cared enough for to protect, prompted Sarutobi's famous answer that he would fight for everyone in the village.

"Mister MC," an elderly man with a cane called out to Kakashi. He was the epitome of a dirty old man, literally and figuratively. No one stood withing twenty feet of him. Naruto fielded a number of requests for more soap-carrying clones. "Since there are two Matsuris... and old people like me might be confused... can they be combined into one name on the wheel..." He pointed up at the wheel with the cane. "We could also save a slot that way." He unsuccessfully feigned innocense, before glancing over at another group of disgusting geezers.

Kakashi put his hand to his ear again, awaiting a response form a representative of the Fan Fiction Tribunal. "It's been approved," he told the auidence. "If you vote and the name Matsuri makes it on the wheel... and the wheel stops on that name... Naruto will win _both_ Matsuris."

**ALRIGHT! MENAGE A TROIS!**

Each and every person with a dirty mind shouted at the same time. Before she too was introduced, Shizune had to admisnister First Aid to one of the Matsuris who had passed out. After the Hokage's assistant spent her time under the lights, Kakashi called out Kiba's mother and sister, which left him uncharacteristically speechless. He snapped out of his vegatative state when Sai asked if there could perhaps be another Ménage à trois arrangement. The former Root ninja should have stayed in seclusion. He too ended up needing Shizune's professional attention.

"Excuse me... excuuu-uu-use me... are you listening young man!" Someone had decided to cut in line, wanting to be introduced sooner than later. It was a rotund woman with too much lipstick, clutching a frantic cat with a red bow. Madam Shijimi. The ex-wife of the Land of Fire's daimyo.

"Tora is very upset, having to wait so long." That wasn't why the feline in question was trying to escape from her mistress' grasp. The woman might love the cat, but the cat did not share that affection. That's the reason why Team Kakashi in part I of the manga and Team Ebisu in part II had both been sent on _Class D _missions to retrieve Tora. "Oh my! No. Tora. Come back Tora!" The cat scratched her way free and took off like a shot. "Please. Won't some one help me with my p-"

Kakashi had quickly motioned with his hand, as if he were cutting his head off with a kunai. The sound system went dead before the upset woman could finish her last word. She had meant the word as a synonum for cat. However, the story sensor decided to pull the plug.

"Holy crap!" Naruto was driven to swear again. But, who could blame him? "I sure as shit hope they don't vote for _her!"_ He should have kept quiet. A number of fans began speaking in rather animated fashion. They were the type of fans that practically ate chaos and drank crazy plot twists. "Hey! Kakashi! What's _she_ doing up there?"

Moegi had walked up on stage, dressed in a Baby Doll nighty, still sporting her goggles and giant pigtails. She waved to Naruto and did her best to strike a sexy pose.

"Calm down everybody. Calm down." Kakashi tried unsuccessfully to get the crowd's attention. Frowning, he tossed off a justsu that he had copied from Momochi Zabuza, the _Water Release Great Waterfall Technique. _"The young miss is _not _on the list. She did this on her own. She has a thing for Naruto."

Naruto slid out of his seat. He wished that he could slide out of the story altogether. From the ground, he heard the masked ninja introduced Karin, the former associate of Orochimaru who was infatuated with Sasuke. She was wearing a white coat that a research assistant might don in a work setting. That was all she wore except for a pair of red panties, and the coat was not buttoned.

"Bite me!" More than one person called that out. Naturally, it was in reference to the fact that the former Grass kunoichi has the ability to heal others by letting them bite her and suck in her chakra. That technique leaves permanent bite marks on her skin, which was why she usually wore long-sleeved shirts, and why she was not dressed in a more revealing get-up now.

While the names and introductions continued, a number of women were independently planning one manner of dissent or a nother. Kurotsuchi, an attractive kunoichi with short black hair and pupilless pink eyes, used her _Lava Release_ technique to burn a large hole in the stage. Onoki's grand-daughter then began trying to convince the other women to join her in a mass exodus. One of those women, Suzumebachi, the last surviving member of Iwagakure's Kamizuru clan, tried to curry favor with the older woman by stating that she too was the grand-daughter of a Kage, the First Tsuchikage.

"It's great that you made an escape route," the scheming brown-haired girl said. "We can use it after we kill Uzumaki Naruto." Suzumebachi had a grudge with Naruto and Hinata both, as they had stopped her giant bees, crushing and killing her brothers Jibachi and Korobachi in the process. In spirit, she had an even greater hate for the entire Aburame clan, the bane of her own clan's existence. "I read all of the manga, even though I'm not in it. I rember the chapter where you wanted to kill the jinchiruuki of the Eight-Tails _and_ the jinchiruuki of the Nine Tails. That would weaken the Leaf and the Cloud now, just as it would have then!"

"That is true," Karotsuchi admitted. "But, the real reason to destroy the two of them was to kill Uchiha Madara's plan in the womb. Weakening two competing nations would have been a bonus. Those nations are our allies now." She didn't sound entirely convincing. "And the shinobi of my clan have come to respect Uzumaki Naruto." That rang true. "I have no desire to kill him. I simply do not wish to be forced into a union, temporary or otherwise."

"I see," Suzumebachi said, turning up her nose. "Well... then I guess I'll do it myself. First, I'll use my honey to attract the boy, whether I'm picked or not." She pulled doen on her V-necked sleeveless blouse, exposing more of her cleavage. "Then, when he's busy thinking about my hive..." She ran a hand across the front of her cut-off jeans in a suggestive manner, and then pulled out a hollow venom-filled knife from a sheath tied to her hip. "...I will strike him with my sting."

"I'll help," a tall and slim kunoichi offered. Wearing a see-through pink tube-top and a translucent green skirt, Hisame rearranged the wide headband that she was using to keep her hair out of her face. "If your seduction fails, this might help." She held up a voodo doll that looked a lot like Naruto. She had stuffed it with the bark from the great trees that produced Hero Water every one hundred years. "Nobody knew I survived, ny encounter with the Leaf's shinobi, but I find myself here anyway. That's alright with me. That jinchiruuki brat helped Shibuki stop me and the rest of Team Suien." Naruto had told told the young man from Takigakure that a hero is willing to sacrifice his own life for the people he cared for. That had lead Shibuki to drink some Hero Water and fight those who were trying to steal the rare liquid. "I have a score to settle with him and that bastard Sasuke." The woman from the Land of Rain took three long hairpins out of her hair and then rearranged them.

"You'll have no need for _those_..." The mysterious enforcer appeared and took the pins out of Hisame's hair. "... or for _that_." He took the voodoo doll. "And you definetly have no need for _that_." He confiscated the knife from Suzembachi. "But... _that_ is a very good idea..." He waved his hand and the 'V' on her blouse grew deeper. He looked over at the hole in the stage and then made a a sound of disapproval. He looked over at Kutotsuchi and said "Naughty naughty." He then smiled and said "If you're going to be naughty girls, then you'll need _these_." He took off his hat, reached deep within, and pulled out a handful of packets. He handed one packet apiece to the troublesome ladies. There was a slogan printed on the orange wrappers: 'Ninja. Protection you trust.' Yes, Ninja brand condoms. "Just because some of you ladies are from filler episodes, that doesn't mean that we don't care!" That snarky remark was aimed at the two conspirators.

The enforcer disappeared, but not before staring steely-eyed at the stage. The hole disappeared. While that little vignette had played itself out, Kakashi had been continuing with the introductions. After Kurenai made her appearance, a woman in a sexy and skimpy nurse's outfit took her place. It was Kaori. The Copy Ninja quipped that it might be nice to stay in the hospital again, if she would treat him right. After that, a number of the men in the crowd fell over and pretended to be be sick. That was a mistake.

Kakashi took a whistle out of his flak jacket and blew it. Soon thereafter, a large group of burly medical personel ran out with stretchers. "Those men need help, gentlemen! And, while you're examining them, remember that a prostate exam might just save their lives. Early detection means better survival!" The fakers were all spirited away to the village clinic, despite their protestations about pretending.

"Alright!" Kakashi dabbed at his forehead again with a handkerchief. The lights. The noise. The excitement. His being shanghied into doing this job. It was all taking a toll. He had no doubt that he _would _end up in a hospital bed again. He wished he could do something that would make such a stay worth his while. If only he were allowed to perform _Kamui _and suck the whole over-written plot into another dimension with his Mangekyō Sharingan. "Now we come to the part that is worth the price of admission! It's time to introduce some extra-special ladies."

The Konoha dancers began appearing on stage again

The gorgeous mone were followed by stage crew members carring a dressing tent and rolling out large racks of costumes. The performers would be singing songs for each of the remaining contestants, and they would eed tgo change at the end of each tune,

"The next ladies shouldn't be strangers to anyone!" Kakashi was bravely keeping a smile on his face. One of the stage crew had brought out an accesory for him. It was the tophat. Someone had decided that he would wear it after all. At least they hadn't brought out something cliché, like cat ears! "First off... true proof that Sunagakure has much more to offer than sand... Temari!" The blonde bombshell strutted her wayacross the stage in a see-through dress, much to her two brothers' dismay. As the music chosen for the pretty girl started playing, Kakashi narrated a brief history and the Temari did a traditional type of fan dance with her giant folding tessen. The few fools who called out for the burlesque type of fan dance soon found themselves trapped within _Sand Binding Coffins. _Gaara was a protective brother.

"I might be convinced to give her _my_ vote," Kakashi said, playing the gracious host. "Now, it's time that I introduce Naru Shikamaru's _other_ bookend, Yamanka Ino." That had Ino blushing, Shikamaru cursing, and Choji fighting back tears. The blue irised girl timidly walked about in a short dress made entirely of blue baloons. She frantically considered using the M_ind Body Switch technique_, but realized that it wouldn't do anything to save her reputation. All it would do was to give her a good view of her own body dressed as it was. Before she knew it, her song was over, her history was told, and she was backstage looking for a place to vomit.

"Would you like to meet one of the two top favorites?" Kakashi began working the crowd as if he were at a pro wrestling match. After giving a deep voiced preamble, he said "Are... you... ready... to... rrrr-rrr-rr-rumbllll-lll-ll-le... it's Hy_uuuu-uuu-uu-u_ga Hin_aaaa-aaa-aa-a_ta!"

The crowd went absolutely wild, even before the music started and the timid white-eyed girl made her way out under the lights. Sheer bedlam erruped when she _did _show. She was barely wearing a very small two-piece bathing suit, one appropriately colored considering the musical piece that the author had chosen:

_Bop bop bop bopbopbop_

_She was afraid to come out of the locker  
>She was as nervous as she could be<br>She was afraid to come out of the locker  
>She was afraid that somebody would see<em>

_Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore_

"It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini  
>That she wore for the first time today<br>An itsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini  
>So in the locker she wanted to stay."<p>

That last was sung by the crowd when the dancers held up large cue cards.

"H-H-H-H-H-Hinata?" Kiba couldn't believe what he was singing. How had anyone convinced her to wear that? And whay hadn't she passed out ten times by now? He cuffed Akamaru when his furry friend let out a long wolf howl.

"I... I... I think I just forgot my name." Shino stood stunned, pole-axed by the sight of Hinata's barely covered tatas.

"I bet Naruto just forgot your name, too!" Kiba had regained some of his composure. His joke made reference to the day that Naruto had returned to the village after two year's absence, and had taken too much time to recognize Shino.

_Bop bop bop bopbopbop_

_Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell ya more_

_She was afraid to come out in the open  
>And so a blanket around her she wore<br>She was afraid to come out in the open  
>And so she sat bundled up on the shore<br>_

_Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore_

"It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini  
>That she wore for the first time today<br>An itsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini  
>So in the blanket she wanted to stay."<p>

Once again, there was amazing crowd participation. There was also a camera crew, recording both the song and a video of the bikini-clad kunoichi for posterity's sake. That fact did not escape Hinata's eye. Finally overheated beyond the writer's ability to keep her on her feet, she passed out.

"Hey Naruto," Udon said, walking up to stand by Konohamaru's idol. "Sakura and Ino taught us all about First Aid. Do you think she might need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?"

"I bet she does," Moegi said. She puckered her lips. "You could practice on _me_ before saving her." She stomped her foot when Konohamaru pushed her side.

"Think of it, Naruto bro!" Konohamru twitched like a hamster on speed. "Just think of it! It would be like kissing. And look at that bikini. Guess where you might accidentally put your hand. It's so good to be king!" He twitched again, this time for a different reason. Laughing at what he saw, and finding the perfect way to shock his childhood rival, he shouted "Hey everybody... look... Naruto popped a woody!"

"**KONOHAMARU!"** Naruto unswisely stood to challenge the younger ninja, whose observation was spot on. Now everyone could see what Sarutobi's grandson saw.

"I've gone blind!" One woman rubbed at her eyes before a group of Censor-type shinobi flashed onto the scene. The calm and collected ninjas worked the jutsus at their command, causing the air around Naruto to blur like certain anime frames. Other memberes of their cadre sped through the crowd, pulling film out of cameras and confiscating digital devices.

"He could have poked someone's eye out," a man said. "That thing was-" Before he knew it, he was bound and gagged and carried away from the scene.

When the physiologic reaction finally died down, the alert was called off and the show continued. The song started up where it had stopped:

_Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell ya more_

Now she's afraid to come of the water  
>And I wonder what she's gonna do<br>Now she's afraid to come out of the water  
>And the poor little girl's turnin' blue<p>

_Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore_

"It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini  
>That she wore for the first time today<br>An itsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini  
>So in the water she wanted to stay."<p>

_From the locker to the blanket  
>From the blanket to the shore<br>From the shore to the water  
>Guess there isn't any more!<em>

The song ended, but the night was far from over.

**x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x **

_Song info:_

"Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polkadot Binkini'

_By _Bryan Hyland._ 1960. Reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100._


	6. The craziness continues

It took a solid hour for the applause and whistles to die down.

During that time, Shizune and Tsunade made efforts to offer Hinata needed counseling. The two women also offered a word of encouragement to their protoge, when Kakashi announced Sakura's name.

"Isn't she just pretty in pink?" Kakashi wanted to gag, having to speak those words. Sakura looked even more dyspeptic. He mouthed her a silent apology and she nodded her head. "You can see why she is the other favorite!" He then launched into her backstory

"Saaaa-aaa-aa-akuraaaa-aaa-aa-a..." Lee sighed the girl's name with a dreamy look on his face. "I can't wait to hear the dignified song they have chosen for such a wonderful girl." He started humming, then spoke lyrics under his breath. "Heaven must be missin' an angel... missin' one angel child... 'cause you're here with us right now..."

That was not the song that had been chosen for Sakura. She probably wished that it had been! The dancers ran out from their changing area dressed in colorful clothing, make-up on their exposed skin making them look like they were made out of plastic. A loud beat came over the speakers and the song began:

_Hi Barbie!_

_Hi Ken!_

_You wanna go for a ride?_

_Sure, Ken!_

_Jump in!_

_Ha ha ha ha!_

The crowd cheered. They knew that song. Many of them thought it was a perfect choice. But, not everybody saw things that way. A sea of Sakura fans made their was backstage, hoping to get the powers-that-be to play something else. They didn't have any luck in that regard.

Sakura immediately sprang into action, her Inner Sakura saying things that can't be printed here. One by one, she used her scary strength to turn massive speakers into piles of sawdust and mangled woofers and tweeters. The music controllers turned up the volume on the dimisnishing number of remaining speakers, drowning out the commotion. "This is just wrong!" She was beyond furious. Just what was that choice of songs supposed to say about her?

_I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world_

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic_

_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_

_Imagination, life is your creation_

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party_

"Un-un-un-" Lee was having trouble. "Dr-dr-dr-dress..." The concept was too much for his naïve shool boy brain. He shook his head, grasping on to a sweet and simple concept that he could identify with. Everybody liked parties. Birthday parties. Holdiday parties. Post-mission parties. "Parties," he said with a peaceful smile.

"Party," Sai emphasized. "Not parties. In the slang vernacular, to 'party' means to indulge in sexual type pleasures and to enjoy oneself without restraint."

"Slang," Lee said, eyes going wide. "Sakura." One foot twitched. Then his nose. Then both bushy brows. "Sex." He went cross-eyed. Then he keeled over. It seemed that there was an epidemic of that going around this evening.

_I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic_

_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_

_Imagination, life is your creation_

_I'm a pink bimbo in the fantasy world_

_Dress me up, take your time, I'm your doll_

_You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain_

_Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky_

_You can touch, you can play_

_You can say I'm always yours, oooh whoa_

Lee had made it back to his feet thanks to some caring villagers and a small phial of smelling salts. The Good Samaritans should not have bothered. The lyrics about touching and hanky-panky sent him down for the count.

Neji came over to aid his unconscious teammate. Soon thereafter, Kiba and Shino walked over and joined him. Like a gnat that one can't get rid of no matter how many times one swings a hand, Sai hovered just within talking range.

"He'll be alright," Kiba said politely. "You know how he is. If the song didn't do it, the sight of Sakura would have." The pink-haired kunoichi wore a pink cat tail... pink cat ears... and little else.

"It would be pertinent to ask how _you_ are feeling now," Shino said. He brushed an errant chakra bug back into his sleeve. "You are probably worried about your other teammate, and how your personal desires might distort your usual dignified demeanor." That was directed to Neji.

"I do _not _have personal desires," Neji retorted, his brow furrowed as if he were about to activate the Byakugan. "And I fail to see why so many people insist on pairings! Can't an author tell a wonderful story without pairings? Can't a person simply walk down a street with pairings?" To the people in the crowd, it seemed that Neji was protesting too much.

"Then you will have no difficulty seeing this." Sai siddled over and handed the white-eyed ninja am eight by ten glossy he had removed from a photobook that someone had dropped. "Like me, you will be able to look at it with a dispassionate eye, correct?"

"This-" Neji coughed a couple of times. "This photograph-" He coudln't tear his eyes away from the page. It was a picture of Ten Ten. She was depicted wearing the outfit that she would show off on stage. Neji's brow contorted in rage.

"If you're trying to use the Byakugan, it won't work on a photo." Sai was stating common knowledge after misinterpretting the other boy's actions. And, as he was wont to do, he followed common knowledge with wild improvisation. "You can't see her naked that way. You would need to do that in person." He cocked his head, smiling that infuriating smile. "Wouldn't it be simpler to ask her to take off her clothing?"

"**KAITEN!"**

Sai went flying, as did a dozen of other nearby people. Neji would have a lot of apologizing to do.

_I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world_

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic_

_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_

_Imagination, life is your creation_

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah _

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah_

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah_

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah_

At that point, the singers had to continue acapello, after the irate Medical Nin had finished destroying the sound system. They sped up their pace, afraid that Sakura might look for human victims next.

_Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please_

_I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees_

_Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again_

_Hit the town, fool around, let's go party_

_You can touch, you can play_

_You can say I'm always yours_

_I'm a pink bimbo in the fantasy world_

_Dress me up, take your time, I'm your doll_

_You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain._

The song ended abruptly. Pain was the operative word. Sakura was walking over red-faced, rolling up her sleeves and calling for Shizune and Tsuande to get a lot of cots ready. The performers wisely chose to go on a refreshment break. Kakashi wished that he could join them, but he had another two contestants to annouce. Something told him there should actually be _three,_ but he found that he couldn't follow that train of thought.

"For those of you with Arithomophilia... the love of numbers...I present... Tenten!" Kakashi began with the kunoichi's bio. She stood fidgeting, feeling next to naked without her weapons scrolls. There was another reason that she felt nearly naked. The people responsible for costumes had taken off her hair buns and made them into a halter top. Looking for a suitable bottom, they had grown exasperated, taken down a courtesy screen painted in Hawaiian patterns, and made it into a pair of hot pants.

"There are an awful large number of philias, did you know that?" Sai was speaking with Gaara, now. Lord only knows how he had wondered over to that precise place. The Kazekage was doing his best to ignore him. He had made a dozen sand clones by now, but the other shinobi just wouldn't take the hint. "Of course, you must know about _Ammophilia_, the love and sandy places. Your fellow Kage might know about _Apotemnophilia_, the desire to amputate a limb." He had nodded his head in the direction of the Raikage. "Yet another Kage must know about _Arctophila,_ the love of teddy bears." This time he motioned towards the Tsuchikage, who quickly tried to hide a stuffed animal behind his back. It was taller than he was! "One of the women Kages has _Autovoxiphilia_, the love of the sound of her own voice."

"**Sai!"** That was Tsunade from her spot on the stage. **"Shit!"** That was directed at herself. Sai had mentioned gender, but had not named names.

"It might be wise if you cease," Gaara said politely. "I fear that you are putting your life at risk."

"My life?" Sai shrugged, unconcerned. Why would his life be in danger? " I believe that the other woman Kage has _Cacophanophilia,_ a love of harsh sounds."

"**WHO SAID I HAVE CRAPOPHILIA?"**

That harsh voice belonged to the Mizukage, who had taken her turn on stage ealier, dressed in lacey blue outfit that had been cut much like a wedding dress. Crapophilia is not a word. The term for sexual pleasures derived from feces is actually _Coprophilia. _

"**AO! WAS THAT YOU? YOU'RE TOAST! YOU ARE DEADER THAN TOAST!"**

Chōjūrō didn't do his fellow bodyguard any favor by saying "At least he didn't say _Anuptophilia_, the love of staying single!" That had the Mizukage shouting even louder than before.

"See," Sai said happily. "Harsh sounds." He wondered what inspiration to follow next, having run out of Kages. Ah, Yes. Family. He had heard that Gaara's life had turned around when he learned to appreciate his brother and sister. Naruto had played a role in that. It should bring pleasant memenories for the Kagekaze. "Your sister certainly is not harsh. I surmise that she would have A_nemophilia,_ a love of wind. Your brother, I would think that he has-" Sai scratched at one cheek. He fought tto find thew correct word, wanting to say love of puppets, _Pupaphilia._ He made a big mistake by misremembering. No surprise there. "_Cypipareuniapholia_, the..."

"Love of prostitutes," a humanities major called from the surrounding crowd. He wisely backed far away from Sai and Gaara. A small sandstorm had sprung up from nowhere and was growing larger by the second.

"Sit down brother," Kankuro said, putting a hand on Gaara's shoulder. "I know you care. I can look after this myself." He took a large item off of his back, looking rather peeved. The whisperes about prostitutes was spreading like wildfire. He would need to get some satisfaction from this. "So. We have a smart guy here, do we. Maybe he's a smart aleck. Crow and I hate smart alecks." He created strings of chakra at his fingertips. "Or maybe you are just ignorant. But, don't listen the people that say ignorance is bliss!" His puppet came to life, a thing of nightmares.

"Would you be kind enough to stop if I admit that I have _Aichmophobia_," Sai offered. "The fear of sharp or ponted objects." He checked his pouch. Fortunately for him, he had remembered to pack his ink and paper.

"No," Kankuro said. Both he and Crow shook their heads. "In fact, that makes me happy." A blade unfolded from the puppets belly. Hidden wrist knives slid in and out. Its mouth opened, displaying a giant poison needle. Limbs flew off and hovered, large blades uncovered at the joints. Kankuro patted at his pockets. "Antidote... where did I put the antidote..." People didn't know if he was joking or not.

Sai took off running just before the fearsome puppet flew into action. The crowd moved in different directions, like birds put to flight or fish swimming away from a dropped rock. The loquacious ninja quickly drew a giant bird and jumped on. He was lucky that he didn't have _Acrophobia,_ a fear of heights.

Just as Sai soared out of sight and Kanuro gave up chase, TenTen's song ended and everyone's attention turned back to Kakashi. The Copy Ninja stood like a deer frozen by oncoming headlights. He knew what came next. He knew that he might be the one who had to take the blame, even though none of this was his fault. But, he had faced death on many an occasion. "Snap out of it Kakashi," he told himself.

"Hey! While we're still young!" That came from a man who was more wrinkled than the prunes that kept him regular.

"You're right," Kakashi said, taking his hat off of is head, rolling it down his arm, and then rololoing it back to his head again. "You are absolutely right. Let's do this." He took a deep breath and said "This next contestant needs no introduction." She certainly didn't. If anyone might wonder who the next woman might be, the theme song gave her identity away. Workers placed a mammoth boombox at the front of the stage. A brave little tyke had been chosen from the crowd. Wearing a _P-Funk_ T-shirt, he walked over and pushed the 'on' button. Drums and funky bass started things off.

_Ow she's a Brick-house,  
>She's mighty mighty,<br>Just lettin' it all hang out  
>She's a brick-house,<br>That lady's stacked,  
>And that's a fact<br>Ain't holdin' nothin' back_

Tsunade made her way towards Kakashi. She looked angry enough to eat steel and spit nails. Her enormous bossom bounced with every step that she took. She could commit murder, She was convinced that she really could. If one single person made mention of her rejuvenation jutsus, he or she would find himself an organ donor, whether he had signed up for that program or not!

_Ow she's a brick-house,  
>Well we're together everybody knows,<br>This is how the story goes..._

_She knows she's got everything,  
>That a woman needs, to get a man<br>How can she lose, with such a youth,  
>Fourty six, twenty four, thirty six,<br>What a winning hand!_

"Let's give the Fifth Hokage a big round of applause," the Copy Ninja said, sweating profusely. He succintly gave a recap of every scene that the Sannin had appeared in, only omitting specific facts that might push her over the edge.

_She's a Brick-house,  
>She's mighty mighty,<br>Just lettin' it all hang out.  
>Yea she's a brick-house,<br>That lady's stacked,  
>And that's a fact,<br>Ain't holdin' nothin back,_

_Oh she's a brick-house,  
>Yeah she's the one, the only one,<br>Built like an Amazon_

_The clothes she wears, her sexy ways,  
>Makes her, ole man wish,<br>For younger days yeah yeah  
>She knows she's built,<br>And knows how to please.  
>Sho' nuff can knock a strong man to his knees.<em>

"Knock a strong man to his kness," Tsunade echoed the song verse. "Knock him clean _off _of his knees, you mean." She directed her anger at the stage, performing _Isshi Renshin._ The mighty blow split the enormous stage in two. For a moment, as the gaping fissure headed directly for the gigantic wheel, the granddaughter of the First Hokage has hope that she could change the course of the story. "This is for you, Naruto. It's also for Dan, Nawaki, my fellow women, everyone in the Leaf, and for our allies everywhere!"

"I'm saved!" Kakashi felt lighter than air. But, as he watched, the great fissue plowed past the wheel and kept going, without the great disc falling a single inch. The reason soon became evident. "I'm screwed!" Yamato had done his work on top of a tremendous metal platform, the structure that actually supported the wheel's massive weight.

"Damn," Tsunade said. She turned and headed back to join the other women as her song died down.

_Cause she's a brick-house,  
>She's mighty mighty,<br>Just lettin' it all hang out.  
>Oh she's a brick-house,<br>__That lady's stacked,  
>And that's a fact,<em>  
><em>Ain't holdin' nothin' back, yeah<em>

_Shake it down shake it down  
>Shake it down shake it down now<br>Shake it down, shake it down now,  
>Shake it down shake it ooo ga ga<br>Shake it down, shake it down  
>Shake it down shake it down now<br>Shake it down, shake it down now,  
>Shake it down shake it shake it<em>

When the stage crew came and collected the boom box, Kakashi took off his hat and placed it on the stage. The great wheel lit up to full effect. A number of ninjas with climbing gear flanked him, paint brushes and pitons in hand. They would be the ones painting the names on the wheel.

"It's time for the vote folks!" Kakashi raised a fist. The shinobi began climbing the wheel. Watching them, Naruto felt a twinge of nostalgia, remembering how he had risked like and limb to paint graffitti on the Hokage faces. "It's time for you guys to play your part."

After that, the Wheel of Fortune would spin.

**x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x**

_Song info:_

'Barbie Girl'

B_y the Danish and Norwegian dance group, _Aquabats._ 1997. Peaked at #7 on Billboard._

'Brick House.'

_By _The Commodores. _1977. Reached #5 on U.S. Charts._


	7. Spin that wheel

The tension was so thick, that it could be cut with a kunai.

A large number of accountants for the great villages had been recruited to count the votes. Some had developed mathematical jutsus that allowed them to read print at superhuman speed, tallying and sorting as they went.

"We have the results," a tidy man from the land of Earth held up a sealed envelope. He was the second cousin of Onoki. "They have been checked and rechecked. There were no mistakes."

"Thank you," Kakashi said, taking the enevelope. Under his breath, he said "This whole affair had been a mistake." When a Konoha police officer walked a teenage girl over to the microphone, he said outloud "I would like to introduce Anaunsa Yukiko, the winner of our drawing." Each person who had bought a photobook or an advanced copy of the next Icha Icha book had been given a raffle ticket. The person whose ticket was picked would get to read the voting results. "Here you go, Yukiko." He handed the girl the envelope. "Let us know which names made the list. Tell our brave painters what they should paint!"

"OK," the girl said timidly. She was short but well shaped, dressed in a T-shirt that said 'My Ninja Way' on the front and 'You should give up...on me giving up!' on the back. "The names... the names are..." She was shaking. This was the first time she had spoken in front a crowd of any size. Tearing open the envelope, she almost dropped it when countless flashbulbs went off. "The names are Hyuuga Hinata-12... Haruno Sakura-12... Tsunade, Godaime Hokage-8..." She was interrupted before she could continue, and before she could explain that the numbers referred to the number of boards each name would be painted on.

"I bet you _she_ wins," one overly eager man shouted out. "After all, her nickname _is_ the Legendary Sucker!" Of course he was trying to be cute and get approval. He knew that the nickname came from the Hokage's bad luck as a gambler. "That would make Uzumaki Naruto the Legendary Suck_ee_. Hah hah hahhhh-hhh-hh-h!" His ten seconds of fame were not worth the price. Ninjas in animal masks appeared and surrounded him. Taking him by the arm, they all vanished.

"Don't mind him," Kakshi said to Yukiko. "It's alright. You're doing great." The crowd kept quiet.

"O-...OK..." The girl swallowed hard and then continued. "Shizune-4..." She continued on, mentioning the woman who each had two boards apiece before identifying those with only a single board. When she had finsished, fifty-one boards accounted for.

"Thank you, Yukiko." Kakashi shook the girl's hand and watched as the she was escorted to her seat in the elders' box. "Didn't she do great, folks? How about a round of applause!" After the audience quieted down again, he mentioned a fact that the observant people had already noticed. "As you can see, there is one board left blank. Just before the wheel is spun, the lights will go off and the final mystery name with be painted in place. Then, after the wheel spins, the lights will go back on." That fact created a big buzz in the crowd. "Now, I have the pleasure of calling our guest wheel spinner."

"**DYNAMIC ENTRY!"**

With that battle cry, Gai leaped onto the smaller sized stage that an exhausted Yamato had helped create a few minutes earlier.

"I will stand for this no longer!" The green-clad jounin struck his Nice Guy pose. He held his hand out in a thumbs-up gesture, for Lee's benefit. "This injustice has has been forced on us all for far too long!" His teeth flashed like a supernova. "My long-time rival, it saddens me to see how far you have fallen. I challenge you to stand with me in the fight against evil. The burning flames in their hearts must not be allowed to go cold!" He swept his arm isn an exagerated arc, encompassing the crowd. "The trust in their souls must never be trod upon!" This time he pointed over to the woman whose name had been selected. They all sat on chairs at the front of the stage. "Those like you and I should be staunch champions of justice!"

Kakashi turned to the crowd and put a hand to his ear. The entire audience called out the reply that he himself often used with Gai:

"**DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, GAI?"**

While Gai's mouth opened and closed like a beached fish, Kakashi looked over at one of the elders, who had finagled the honor of spinning the wheel. The other man, sensing that things could get ugly given the fact that numerous audience members had sentiments similar to Konoha's Prideful Green Beast, graciously nodded his head, giving Kakashi permission to handle things any way he saw fit.

"I suppose if you feel that way," the Copy Ninja said. "You will give up the great and historic honor of spinning the wheel faster and longer than any other shinobi could." He sighed. "You're jumping up here saved me from calling out your name." He watched as the expression on Gai's face began to change. He smiled under his mask when the boastful man mouthed 'historic honor'. "Of course, it will then be _my_ win. I had asked for the chance, but was the tribunal's _second_ choice."

"**I'll do it!"** Gai flexed his muscles. "If it has to be done, it should be done by the Leaf's Noble Gentleman... a true Champion of Pride... a valiant Crusader for Virtue... a selfless Protector of Destiny... and someone with handsome manly features!" The light flashed from his teeth again.

"I see," Kakashi said, shrugging. "We're kind of in a rush here... so if you'll be so kind... can you introduce us to that worthy man?"

"Kakashi! You make me so mad! Why do you have to act so cool?" He hadn't caught on yet. "That man is me! You can trust me with this. I swear it. When a man struts around like a peacock, acting like Mr. Big Stuff, he should keep his promises. Even if it kills him."

"Wise words, Gai sensei!" Lee called out from the crowd. He was moved by his mentor's manly statement. "So simple, but filled with such profound meaning!" He wore his hero-worship like a second stretchy suit. "Guy-sensei is the coolest! He practically glows with cool!" Before his Team leader had jumped up on stage, Lee too had been willing to strike a blow against the contest. Now, stars filled his eyes.

"As usual, I can't keep up with their craziness." Neji's words didn't carry. "Gai-sensei is so childish. He acts like a seven year old!" That was one of the key facts that Kakashi had used to his advantage. "One board is still one board too many." TenTen had been named to a single slat.

"Well then, I certainly can't fight against that! _I'm_ certainly not glowing with cool!" As light shone off of the glitter on his vest, Kakashi took a step back and held out one arm, giving Gai a free path to the towering disc. "Take your place by the wheel. On my signal, spin it with all of your might."

"You're taking things rather cooly," the mysterious enforcer said to Naruto, who had been oblivious to Gai's moral outrage and change of heart.

"I-" Naruto shivered. It was too damn odd, the way that man kept appearing and disappearing. For a moment, he staired closer at the plain-looking face, wondering if that's what Madara might have looked like under his mask. He wasn't usually one for conspiracy theories, but couldn't help himself. "You're not Madara, _are _you... I mean, I helped kill him... I saw the body..." He couldn't help but remember the weird space and time tricks his former enemy could perform.

"No, I'm not." The enforcer placed a large suitcase down on chair next to Naruto. He flipped the latches. "I'm just a temporary fictional construct. This is a rather big undertaking, but it's nothing as gradiose as _Tsuki no Me Keikaku_, the Eye Of The Moon Plan. But, if it will make you happy, I can put on a strange mask... grab a Sharingan or Rinnegan... and summon a Demonic Statue of Outer Path." He opened the briefcase, revealing a shiny black cube. "The FanFic author is not interested in me creating Jubi, the Ten-Tailed Beast. He's working towards you creating the Beast With Two Backs." He sighed when that euphemism for sexual intercourse went over Naruto's head. "Because he's put you in quite a spot, he has instructed me to make you an offer?"

"Offer?" Naruto's spirit surged back from whever it had been hibernating. "He's doing this to me and my friends, and he thinks that there is something that might make things better!" He was about to explode, but swallowed his anger.

"I couldn't say," the enforcer said, straightening out his wide brimmed chapeau. He pulled some lint off of his trench coat. "He might think that. He might even be looking to test your character. Or he might simply want to write about another idea that popped into his head. This is a rather drawn out story, after all."

"So what_ is_ this offer, then." Naruto created a large ring of shadow clones to keep the crowd away. A large number of nosey people had been closing in, eavedropping.

"This little beauty is a magnet." The enforcer patted the black cube. "If I sneak it onto the wheel, it would remove the element of chance. In short, it would allow you to decide which name the wheel stops on."

"That-" Naruto's thoughts began spinning, as if Neji had performed the _Kaiten_ inside his head.

"It would mean-" He tried to think things through logically, but couldn't. Logic, emotions, and memories were all blended together. "Could... could I have a minute to think about this, please?"

"Certainly," the enforcer said. "Take ten if you like." He sat down and reached inside of his coat. He took out a volume of Naruto manga and leafed through it in a matter of sconds. He might only be a construct, but wanted to have a better feel for the job at hand. After tossing that book into nothingness, he reached in and pulled out the next volume.

Naruto lowered his head into his hands. Would it help him or someone he cared about to take up the offer? Should he choose Sakura for example, since she was someone he might eventually care about in a romantic way, and because this was his manga, after all. Or, might Hinata be a better choice, since she had admitted her love for him? Even if things were forced, she might still find some modicum of pleasure, where the other women might not. Or, should he choose someone he didn't know well, someone he might not care about as much as he cared about his friends. He sat back up again,

"Your eyes tell me that you've made your decision," the enforcer noted after tossing another manga volume away.

"Yes," Naruto replied. "I have. I'm not sure if it's right or not. But it does feel right to me." He stuck his chin out and looked into the enforcer's eyes. "I care a lot about my precious friends. But, when I'm Hokage, I'll have to care about everyone. I will need to put their needs before my own." He paused, surprised to see the mysterious man begin clapping his hands. "I won't be wanting the magnet."

"Very good," the enforcer said. "Very good indeed." He closed up the briefcase and then tossed it into oblivion. "I need to stand guard at the wheel. Your wait is almost over. I pray that things work out as best they can!" A wicked light shined in his eyes. "Hopefully, no baby Uzumaki." He pulled a doll in a diaper out of another dimension. After the doll was squeezed and released, it made a 'Paaaa-aaa-aa-a Paaaa-aaa-aa-a' sound. That gave Naruto a jolt. "We're ready now, Hatake Kakashi." After saying that, he vanished.

"It's time," Kakashi said. "There can be only one!" His Highlander reference was lost on most of the crowd. Few people had been gifted with entertainment media from the real world. When the Copy ninja raised his arms as if he were about to receive the Quickening, huge bolts of lightning struck around the village without causing even the slightest bit of damage. Then, everything went totally dark

"Gentleman, paint on the last name." When the shinobi had disengaged themeselves from the wheel, they called out to Kakashi. He then said "Spin it like you mean it, Gai!"

**DYYYYNAMMMMIC SPINNNNNNNN**

After Gai finished with his shout, he bunched his muscle and prepared to give the wheel the greatest spin that anyone had ever seen and would ever see. As he started to pull downward, he felt a slight breeze on his cheek. His hair rose and fell back down on one side. He didn't stop to wonder what that might mean, since he was too focused on the task at hand.

The wheel began spinning like a buzzsaw at a lumbermill. Impossibly fast it whirred, causing gale force winds at front and a vacuum at the rear. Trash and small items were blown and sucked about. A small dog could be heard yelping as it shot past like a missile. Then, suddenly, the lights on the wheel turned on, lights in every known color, pulsing on and off in tune with Naruto's heartbeat. The great disc looked like a spinning UFO turned on its side.

Next, the lights on the stage turned back on, followed by each and every outher light that had previously been lit. As fast as the wheel was spinning, it looked like there would be a long wait.

Naruto thought about Frogging-up and taking on his Kyuubi chakra form. He thought about creating a hundred time the number of shadow clones that he had called up when he fought Mizuki. He instinctively knew that there was nothing he could do to stop that wheel.

"I wonder who it will be," the yellow-haired ninja whispered.


	8. You're kidding me

The wheel spun as if it might spin forever.

Colors were blurred as the great disc spun at incredible speed. Countless people stared at it, as if they had been hypnotized.

Many watchers voluntarily refused to take their eyes off it, wondering if it might stop quickly, at an unexpectant moment. With as much time and effort as they had invested in this crazy schtick, they didn't want to miss a thing. They just_ had _to be watching when the pointer clicked its final click.

Because there were numerous restless people, the organizers scrambled to find some way to keep them occupied for a longer period than they had originally planned for. A librarian offered a solution, making use of a book she had retrieved from the village book depository. Sitting on a high wooden stool, she leaned towards a microphone and began reading ancient stories about kitsune. The first tale was called _The Fox in the Brothel._ That title put Naruto even more on edge.

"I'm glad Jiraiya isn't here to see this," Naruto said to himself. "In more ways than one." Ero-Sennin would have gone off the deep end. Then again, the Sannin had been the closest thing he had had to a father, brother, or really hairy cousin. While it might have helped to hear some mature advice, he would have been embarassed to have the great man see him this way. "I... I should be acting more like a man..." He sighed. "But what exactly does it_ mean_ to be a man?"

He had become so many things. He had grown so much. He had been given so many great responsisbilities. But, was he really any closer to being a man than he had been before? And, whose vision of a man should he aspire to?

The villages noisiest ninja had reason to be trapped in that web of thought. Again and again he had overheard people speaking about 'the boy will become a man.' Countless thoughts assailed him. He remembered many things about a multitude of male shinobi. He tried to recall things that he had heard about his father.

"H-" He coughed. "Having sex doesn't really make a boy a man, right?" He kicked at a stone laying on the trampled grass. "But a lot of boys seem to think that way." He looked around him, feeling very much alone, despite the unfathomable number of people. "A lot of men, too." The whole world around him felt as if it were growing larger. No. It felt as if he were shriking in size. It was as if he had swallowed a famous fictional pill. He felt as if his thoughts and opinions were microscopic and insignificant.

Then, without warning, he felt like Alice when she had grown to enormous size. Now, he was hyperaware of his signicance in people's eyes, especially the way that he served as a role model for the village children. He did a mental doubletake. It seemed as if a devil sat on one shoulder and an angel on the other. His imagination running wild, he pictured Sarutobi on one side and Orochimaru on the other. Even that choice of images was confusing, since the good Hokage had been a preverted man, and the evil Sannin probably never had sex a day in his life.

"It would give you something to brag about, just like the other vermin." The chibi Orochimaru stuck out its impossibly long tongue. "You haven't even had a kiss or held hands." That had Naruto cringing, but not as much as the next statement. "And... technically... you_ are_ just a lowly genin, right? Wouldn't it be pleasant to feel bigger than the people that look down on you?"

"Posh," the chibi Sarutobi said. "I know you better than that, Naruto. Everybody could tell how much you wanted attention as a young boy." He frowned, having the Third Hokage's memory of graffitti. "But, when the chips were down, you didn't act selfish. You might have been impatient, but you weren't greedy. You never were one to treat people like things, unlike someone we once knew." The small figure glared at his serpentine foe.

"Hah! You should give into your desires-" Whatever else the small Sannin might have said was confined to Naruto's subconscious. The orange-clad ninja stopped daydreaming when he realized that somebody real had been talking to him. "Excuse me," he said.

"I'm not surprised you were lost in thought," a familiar face said. It was Gaara. "This is a very difficult day for you, is it not? Perhaps I can help you find the point of view you need, as once you helped me." He smiled, then. Gaara of the Sands, the Kazekage, smiled. "If need be, I will also help someone like Chiyo bring you back to life if you die." He had even told a joke.

"It may not really matter," Naruto said, dejected. "I don't seem to have a choice in what happens here. But... it's... I wonder..." He looked at Gaara. His friend was concerned for him. That in itself made him feel somewhat better. He was not alone. He would never be alone again. "How should I really be feeling now? How should I behave when it's over? I guess what I want to know is how a man would act."

"I see," Gaara said, nodding. "I have asked myself that same question, many times for many different reasons. I can tell you what I have reasoned out fo myself, if you like." He looked over at the wheel. It didn't look as if had slowed down much. He had time. "But first, I will caution you to make your own choices, after you hear others describe theirs. Would you like to hear what Honored Grandfather Ebizo said when I asked him what a good man should be?"

"Ebizo?" Naruto scratched at his chin He had no recollection of any Ebizo. Was that the Sand's name for Ebisu?

"Chiyo's younger brother," Gaara replied. "Sasori's paternal Granduncle."

"Right!" Naruto snapped his fingers. "Now I remember."

"He told me that a man has great endurance-" Gaara was interupted by a man who watched too much television.

"That's right. A man can do it allll-lll-ll- niiii-iii-ii-ight lonnnn-nnn-nn-ng!" The annoying wretch screamed and jumped a good four feet in the air. It looked like Kankuro and Crow were still on guard.

"Ummm." Gaara blushed. "Not _that_ kind of endurance." He took a deep breath and continued. "Ebizo said that a man should be adept with weapons... good at unarmed combat... able to ride a horse... committed to reading and writing poetry... skilled at flower arranging... familiar with the Tea ceremony... a master at calligraphy and painting... a patron of the theater... and someone with impeccable manners."

"Huh?" Naruto didn't get Gaara's point. Way had he said all that? Was that what _he _thought made a man?

"Different cultures. Different times. Different answers." Gaara looked over at his brother, who was busy wiping down Crow. He trusted that he had done nothing more than drive the interloper away. "And, it depends on-" He was interrupted again. If that had happened in the days before Naruto had helped change the Sand shinobi's attitude, the intruder would have died a messy death.

"Patron. _Painting_? _**Poetry**_**"** Ironically, it was one of Mifune's closest aides. **"THAT'S FOR PUSSIES!"**

The samurai from the Land of Iron belched, shook his beer can, and tossed the empty over his shoulder. "Here. I can sum up a real man for you fast, quick, and in a hurry." He held up one finger. "Weapons." He held up a second finger. "War goes good with weapons." A third finger went up. "Sports." Then a fifth. "Food. Food goes good with sports." Followed by a sixth. "Tattoos." Then a seventh. "Chest hair." An eighth. "Pipes and cigars." A nineth. "Beer." And a tenth. "Blowing things up." He thought a moment, and a figurative light bulb turned on over his head. He began taking off his sandles, so that he could continue counting on his toes.

"I think I will use Black Ant this time, brother." Kakuro had put Crow away. He stood next to a puppet with a much longer head, a bucket-shaped face sporting two sharp red horns, six arms, and body shaped like a large barrel. Ukon of the Sound Four had met his end in that very creation.

"Capture him," Gaara said tersely. "Do _not_ kill him." He didn't think Kankuro would murder an innocent. He simply wanted to sound regal. It riled his brother up.

"**I know that!"** Kankuro's face showed that he was angry and embarrassed at first, as if his judgment was being questioned. Then abruptly, he smiled a huge smile. He knew that Gaara was teasing him. It was amazing that he could do something like that. He nodded to Naruto, who was also smiling. He would never be able to pay the yellow-haired ninja back for the things that he had done for his family. "But..." the puppeteer had an dastardly look on his face. "...That idiot doesn't know that." He pointed to the man who had resumed telling Naruto the words that defined a real man. Those words became muffled when he found him inside of Black Ant.

"So, as I was saying-" Gaara was interrupted yet again. However, there was no chance that Kankuro would act to chatise _this_ man.

"I respect your talent as a general," the Raikage said to Gaara. "But you are no better than that samurai fool when it comes to giving him the right right answer." The 'him' was Naruto. "It is no fault of your own. You are young, and Yondaime Kazekage could not have been the type of father who could teach you well. I will not apologize for speaking that truth." The leader of Kumogakure rarely apologized to anyone, fellow Kages included The brazen ninja now turned his focus on Naruto. "You have showed me that you are a brave and strong fighter. But, a man can be brave and strong when life forces him to be that way, while being weak and fearful when times do not. Do you remember how you acted when we first met? _I _certainly haven't forgotten!"

"He-" Gaara shut his mouth when the Raikage made a forceful hand gesture. It was wise to wait until the other leader was finished. He hoped the older man would not upset Naruto too much. His friend was in a very fragile state. This 'Kiss Your Viginity Good Bye' undertaking might even be harder on him than the whole Uchiha Sauke defection ever was.

"You asked me to stop that Uchiha's execution," the Raikage said. "You got down on your knees in the snow and begged me. You cried and placed your face in the snow!" He gnashed his teeth. "Like I told you back then, ninjas...and men... should not be so quick to bow before one another. Ninjas respect actions and strength. There should be no compromise between men. You begged for the life of a criminal, the way a weak man might beg for the return of his lover." His eyebrow rose and his mustache twitched. "Perhaps that trash _was _your lover."

"You leave Sasuke out of this! He has been through enough! You have no idea!" He stood nose to nose with the larger man. "You are no better than those creeps who write stories about me and Sasuke!"

"If there is smoke, there is usually flames." The Raikage was clearly baiting Naruto now, looking to see if he had any fire. No, to see if he had the Will of Fire. "And your choice in lovers may be no better than you choice in friends." He held up his left arm. "_This_ is proof of that!" His fight with Sasuke had cost him part of that arm.

"I won't back down!" Naruto growled. "I will not give up on _any _of my friends!"

"Good for you," the Raikage laughed and slapped Naruto hard on the back. "You may be stupid, but you have spirit! For that reason, I will tell you the way of a true man."

"Really?" Now it was Naruto's time for a sea change. He gave Gaara a look of apology. His friend was well meaning, but he was young and inexperienced. The Fourth Raikage was a massive man with incredible power. Wouldn't he be the better teacher? "Thank you!" He looked over at the wheel. It had slowed, but not by much.

"There are wars that ninja like the two of us can readily see," the Raikage said. "But, there are secret wars being waged all around us!" Seeing that Naruto was paying attention, he continued. "There are changes at work that threaten to erode a man's confidence. There are ball-breaking bitches that blame us all for their petty problems. Some men find themselves feeling shame for the very sexual desire they are born with. Pitiful creatures! They trade their masculinity and pride for the attention or touch of a woman. That goes against everything a real man knows. If those trends go too far, it will erase everything that billions of years of evolution has built up!"

"Ummm." Naruto was stunned by the certainty in the other shinobi's voice.

"A real man shouldn't let a woman hold a sword at his crotch. A true man is not afraid of his male heritage. A strong man has no desire to imitate a floor mat!" The Raikage crackled with small runners of electicity and tiny bolts of lightning. His eyes practically glowed. "Are you with me?"

"I... uh... yes." Naruto didn't necessary believe the things he was hearing, at least not yet. But, he was sure as shit not going to say 'no' right there and then.

"A real man never apologizes for what he is. A true man knows that _he_ is the catch, not the woman. A strong man will not let himself be tied down. Never. Not _ever!"_ A large cloud of moths darted around and about the glowing Kage. "The perfect man can_ never_ be tamed. The perfect man is _always _in control of the relationship. The perfect man will_ not_ tolerate feminist falacies."

"Then... what..." Naruto created shadow clones with big fans to drive the moths away. He began gagging when one flew on his mouth. "Blegh!" He spat it out. "What exactly _should_ a real man do?"

"**Simple!"** The Raikage flexed his biceps out of habit. "They should flirt easily and flirt well. They should look at woman's' body without shyness or hesitation. They should act like men around women, not like other women. They shouldn't be concerned about losing a woman, since there are always more around. The way that men act... the way that men dress... the body language that men choose... those should all draw women like moths to a flame. You will want sex. You will deserve sex. And you will get sex." His voice snapped like a whip. "That sex will define who you are. " He closed his eyes. Lightning shot outward, burning every moth to a crisp. A ring of burnt Lepidoptera surrounded him and Naruto. "But... remember... it is not about being a Bad Boy... it's about being a good man. Good men do not hurt women. Ever!"

"And me?" Naruto swallowed hard. "What should I do tonight?" The Raikage never had a chance to answer.

"You can be a dude... or a whole battalion..." Naruto, who could indeed create a battalion of clones, recognized that voice. So did the Raikage. "Take your filly away... and treat her like a stallion." That might rhyme, but it was bad rap. Treat her like a stallion? Like she _was _a stallion? No, act as if _he_ were the stallion. "Bee!" It was Killer Bee, Naruto's teacher, friend, and fellow jinchiruuki.

"What are you doing here, Bee. We were talking man to man!" The Raikage was hardly fond of his sibling's vocal habits. "It's the talk that I gave you!"

"You look like the carrot..." Bee was making reference to Naruto's orange garb. "And you carry the stick..." No explanation was needed for that line. "Let Killer Bee teach you charm..." That had the Raikage rolling his eyes. "And you'll have the ladies sucking on your-"

"**BEE!"** The Raikage's voice rolled like thunder. He was too enraged to realize that Bee was saying the things he did just to get under his skin.

"Yes, brother?" Bee smile that famous smile of his. "You want to stay and rap with us?" He bumped Naruto's fist with his own. If had been Naruto's willingness to rap that had earned Bee's assistance on the Island Turtle. "If not, I can finish the lecture for you." He tapped his forehead. "Word for word..."

"OK. Fine. Do what you like." The Raikage waved his arm in dismissal, even though he was the one walking away. "I need a beer." A number of people jumped, their buttocks scorched by sparks. The Kage did not apologize, but did stop emitting electricity.

"Man!" Bee rubbed at his temples. "That talk! That terrible talk! He was only getting started. I may have saved your life again!" He waved his hand whe a vendor walked past and bought a large protein shake. Drinking it, he was left with a foamy white mustache. "I could hardly keep Hachibi in control, since he was forced to listen too."

"Was what he said wrong? Or is it too hard for someone like me to understand?" Naruto felt crestfallen, as if he had failed somehow.

"Someone like you?" Bee slapped Naruto hard on the shoulder. "I know who you are. So do most of these people. Why do _you_ keep forgetting?" He bought a second drink, offrered Naruto some, and then swallowed it in one gulp. "There are many ways to be a man, you dig? You will have to decide which ways are wrong and which ways are right. You have to find out which ones fit you, dude."

"But-" Naruto felt as if he were back at square one. "Where do I even start?" His voice cracked. That had him clenching his fists, angry at his ignorance and uncertainty.

"You start by chilling," Killer Bee said. "I won't tell you what my brother thinks. I will tell you what I think, and you know that must be right, because I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee! 'Cause I'm the Eight-Tailed Beast!" He folded his arms across his chest. "I've got energy to spare and sparkling charm. The Eight-Tailed Beast's a killer bee rockin' the melody! Oh yeah!"

"Whatever that means," Naruto said to himself.

"Seriously," Bee said. "I will tell you my opininion and you can see what you think." He bought a carton of drinks this time, insisting that the blushing woman vendor accept his money. She had giggled and offered them to him for free. "One thing I will say. Sex is not really the issue here. Good men have sex. Bad men have sex. Some good men are bad at sex. Some bad men are good at sex. You feeling me?"

"Not literally!" Naruto said.

"So... even though it's hard to leave sex out of it..." He motioned towards the wheel. It had begun to slow appreciably. "You should leave sex out of it. Sex will be what you do... not who you are."

"OK." Naruto knew what Bee was saying. It made sense, even though that 'sex will be what you do' part had him feeling frightened and insecure again.

"First, a real man should kick the hell out of mimes!" Bee was trying to lighten the mood some. But, to be honest, he _did _hate mimes. "Ever last one!"

"What?" Naruto missed the fact that is was a joke. He felt sheepish when Bee pointed at him silently and smiled. "Oh." He did feel somewhat better.

"Remember this, Naruto." Bee was serious now. "No one is born a man. Someone has to choose to be a man. He has to make himself a man." He struck a pose that would have left Gai jealous. "So listen up while I lay down the law!" He began rapping. "A real man is honest, to himself and to others... a real man values families... you know, fathers and mothers." A small number of musicians gathered around Bee and struck up a beat. "A real man is conident... a real man is strong... a real man would pay attention to this song! A real man takes charge, and controls his own life... a real man would be faithful, to girlfriend and wife!"

"Girlfriend _and_ wife? Both? At the same time?" Naruto said that before thinking. This was Bee. This was just like the line about stallions. It was about style, not absolute accuracy.

"Are you dissing me?" Bee asked. "You shouldn't be pissing me... off." He accepted Naruto's apology, and corrected his rap before resuming. "Girlfiend _or_ wife. Is that better, bro? Where was I? Right. A real man knows what he is, and knows what he wants... a real man is fearless, and ignores all the taunts! A real man does the right thing, even when it's hard... a real man serves others, and not for reward! A real man is a leader, that's easy to see... if you do all these things, you can be just like Bee!"

"Why doesn't that creepy guy and his puppet stop that crappy rap?" It was the samurai, looking a bit worse for wear. "I didn't get to finish." He pointed at one toe. "Gambling." Another toe. "Fire." Another toe. "Not asking for directions." Another toe. "Fast cars." His luck didn't get any better. He still didn't have a chance to finish. A forearm smash from Killer Bee sent him flying.

A call came out over some newly replaced speaker stacks. It was Kakashi speaking again. "We can almost read the names." Indeed, the wheel had slowed so much that the contestans' names were only slightly slightly blurred. "Will Uzumaki Naruto please report to the stage."

Various dignitaries fought to be the ones to walk with Naruto. People reached out, wanting to touch the young hero. A number of young boys dressed in fancy clothes pushed a large roll. It was a red carpet!

"This..." Naruto frowned. "This is too much!" He wanted to curse when he saw young girls with ribbons in their hair and baskets swinging from their hands. They were throwing rose petals where he walked. Trumpests sounded. A large number of doves were set to wing. "This is much too much!"

Time seemed to slow down for him. Every moment felt like an hour. Every step felt like a mile. Every successive beat of his heart felt years apart. There was a roar in his ears, like the sound of waves hitting shore. Flashbulbs went off all around and seemed to freeze in time. The world in his vision narrowed down to a single straight corridor between the carpet and the wheel.

People called out encouragement. He didn't hear them. People held up bold and risque signs. He did not see them. Women walking with the children sprayed perfume. He did not smell it.

"Over here," Kakashi said kindly, when Naruto walked towards him. "You stand here." He ushered him gently to an ornate gazebo errected at the side of the wheel.

The long and flexible pointer clicked and clacked on each of the posts. Each click or clack sounded like a gunshot to Naruto's ears. When he looked over and saw the waiting women, each click felt like a stab in the back and each clack felt like a kick to the groin. 'I'm sorry' he mouthed the the ladies.

"Boy! Get ready to collect your prize!" That shout came from the Raikage.

"Stick to the plan and be a man!" That came from Bee.

"I trust you, Uzumakei Naruto. My sister trusts you. We _all_ do." That was Gaara.

The wheel was moving slowly now. Click... click... click... click... Hyuuga Hinata... Haruno Sakura... Tsunade... Emi... click... click... click... click... Hyuuga Hinata... Haruno Sakura... Shizune... Madam Shijimi.

"It's almost stopped!" That anonymous call had everyone holding their breath. It was so close now. They could practically taste it. The crowd began clapping their hands. The rhythmic sound grew louder and louder. The excitement level grew and grew, soon passing beyond the line of sanity, like red-colored alcohol bursting through the top of a glass thermometer. "It's going to stop! It's going to stop! Here... we... go... now!"

Click... click... click... click... Hyuuga Hinata... Haruno Sakura... Suzuki... Tsunade.

The crowd surged back and forth. Bookies hurried to accept the final bets. Fireworks began streaking towards the heavens. Drums were pounded, sounding like the march of giants. Strong gusts of wind blew, as if Nature itself was watching.

Click.

Cliiii-iii-i-ick.

Cliiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiii-iiiii-iiii-iii-ii-ick.

The pointer bowed like... well... a bow.

Cliiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiii-iiiii-iiii-iii-ii-i-ick.

The wheel was on the verge of stopping. Naruto' kept his eyes tightly shut. He hadn't wanted to read ahead, seeing which name was likely to win.

Click.

The wheel stopped. Kakashi turned to call out the name. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. The audience shouted out the winner in unison:

**"IT'S TON TON."**

People cleaned their glasses. That said Ten Ten, _didn't_ it? No. There was no doubt. Ton Ton. The mystery name. Countless people whispered, spoke, or shouted that name in a state of shock. Or, in some people's case, a state of glee.

"Hah hah hahh!" A drunken tailor from the Land of Fang laughed loudly. "Everybody was worried about who the boys was going to pork."

"And it _was_ the pork!" That was said by a jeweler from the Land of Snow who reeked of ilicit herb.

"Hey..." For some reason, Naruto could hear what was being said, even though the comments were made far away.

"Talk about a pig in the poke," a dignified dancer from the land of Tea said quipped, tearing up her raffle ticket. The idiom meant 'expecting something great but getting something less than expected.' It dated back to the Middle Ages, when pigs were hard to come by, but cats and puppies were plentiful. Someone would pay money for a suckling pig, receive a sealed sack that couldn't be checked before purchase, and find a much baser meat inside.

"No!" A greasy dock worker from the Land of the Sea snickered. "Talk about pokin' a pig!"

"_Hey will_..." Naruto's voice grew louder.

"I just thoughta sumthin," a comedian from the Land of Swamps said. "Isn't there a saying about not puttin Pearls before Swine? Well, Naruto got the Swine before the Pearls!

"No!" A barber from the Land of Waves snorted. "The boy got the swine _with_ the pearls!" He was making reference to Ton Ton's necklace.

"_**Hey will you guys**_..." Naruto was fuming now. He began creating shadow clones.

"This little piggy went to market." That was the snarky Samurai once again. His sandals were missing, but that was fine with him. He needed his toes for his rendition of 'This Little Piggy,' a famous ditty which was first quoted in 'The Nurse's Song' back in 1728. "This little piggy stayed home." He pulled down a second toe. "This little piggy had roast beef." Another toe. "And this little piggy had none." After pulling down another toe, he pointed over in the direction of the quivering Ton Ton. "_That_ little piggy will be going Bui Bui Bui when Naruto _slams_ it on home!"

"_**HEY WILL YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF ALEADY!"**_

Dozens of clones shouted that along with Naruto. He shouted again. "This has to be some kind of mistake. Or a sick joke. That weird guy told me the story was _not_ about beastiality!" He was refering to the enforcer.

One can only guess if Naruto's exclamation may have calmed people down. Instead, another person's comment lit the fuse to the powder keg: "Hey... I wonder... how much might that slat might bring on kBay." The slat was the board with Ton Ton's name on it. And, as one might guess, kBay was Konoha's equivalent of eBay, the auction service whose name was a shortened version of Echo Bay, a name honoring the Echo Bay Technology Group, the separate and unrelated company that had once owned the same internet domain.

Shinobis and citizens alike stormed the stage, like a military force raiding a fortress. Driven by greed and a thirst for thrills, men and women, boys and girls, the young and old old, all grabbed at the giagantic wooden board that held the winning pig's name. That slat was stories high and tons in weight. When it fell... and it _would_ fall... a large number of people would be injured. A large number would die.

**"DYNAMIC KICK."**

Gai flashed to the rescue, just as the board was torn free of the wheel. With a mighty kick, he sent the board in a safe direction, causing it to miss the milling populace. As the huge plank bounced and rolled, a thin layer of paper on its surface snagged on tents and teepees. That paper, painted with Ton Ton's name, had been placed over the_ original_ name. When the slat finally lay still, the paper had been torn completely off and the real winner was revealed.

"Mitarishi Anko." In the hubbub, no one was sure who had spoken.

The crowd went dead silent. The excitement vanished. No one was interested in cutting souveneirs from the board. Cameras fell to the ground from slack hands. No one knew what to do or say.

"Anko." Kakashi looked like someone had walked across his grave.

"Mitarishi Anko." Tsunade and Shizune said that together. Behind them, Ton Ton shivered, for a different reason this time. "I should have guessed." Both women would gladly sacrifice themselves to protect Naruto from that fate.

"An-... An-... Anko..." Hinata put her hand to her mouth. "Oh... Naruto-kun..."

"..." Sakura couldn't get any words out.

The Raikage made a face. He folded his arms across his chest. He called out:

"The boy would have been better off with the pig!"

**END**

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

**Postscript:**

_That is the official end of the story. Naturally, it is _**not **_the end of the affair. One can certainly wonder what happened next. Would Naruto have been forced to sleep with Anko? Would the results have been invalidated, due to reasonable suspicion, seeing that the pointer stopped on the mystery name? Or, would examiners find actual proof that someone had rigged the wheel?_

_So, dear readers, how would you finish things off? Should the results be thrown out? Would the wheel be spun again? If so, who might you choose as the winner? And, would you have Naruto get intimate with that lady? Would you have him escape the dastardly plot? Would you have him get revenge on the Tribunal? Would you have him give some kind of speech to Masashi Kishimoto about the way the manga is currently going? You wouldn't want him to do anything to _**this **_author, would you?_


	9. Chance to Choose

_The story was originally supposed to stop after eight chapters, and was in effect a not-so-sly commentary/metaphor on fanfiction in general. These bonus chapters are free-form story telling, prompted by a new __angle I stumbled upon shortly after finishing the story. For those of you who enjoyed the freedom of imagining your own ending, don't read the new chapters. There will be a specific ending. Well, relatively speaking._

_I will use the _The Summoning: Impure World Resurrection _myself and resurrect a few stylistic changes. I am bringing back old tales and famous quotes. Some may find that annoying and distracting, while others will enjoy it. Furthermore, in the final chapter, I will revive another classic habit. Pairing. That's right, in some fashion Naruto will end up with a particular girl. The identity of that girl should not be hard to guess._

**x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x**

"What?"

Naruto looked around, shocked and concerned.

Everyone but himself was frozen in time. He listened at one chest after another, avoiding the bustier women so he wouldn't feel like a perv. There were no heartbeats. But, the people didn't look dead. They seemed more like images on a DVD when the picture is paused.

"Is this some kind of story break?" The yellow-haired ninja had a moment of insight.

He looked around more, this time at things rather than people. The clouds looked like they were stapled to the sky. Trees were bent over, as if a stiff breeze were blowing. But, the wind was dead still. He saw a boy with an upended icecream cone. The globe of strawberry ice-milk was suspended halfway bewteen the cone and the ground.

"Well... I suppose there are some benefits to this..." The large furniture movers who had been conscripted to carry a large palanquin were frozen, too. It was their job to pick him up, taken him over to where Anko was waiting, and deliver the two of them to some kind of love nest.

Naruto shivered. Anko wasn't the worst woman in the world. But, how could he forget that time when she had cut his face with the kunai, when the two of them were standing outside of the Forest of Death. She had licked off the blood. He shivered again, thinking what it might be like to get intimate with someone like her. Someone who had spent time with Orochimaru. Swallowing hard, he remembered some biology lectures that he had sat through at the Academy. He had been taught about female Black Widow spiders and their mates. He had been told about preying mantises. There had been made mention of scorpions, too.

Animals. Types of insects. Insects that ate their mates after mating. Female mates eating male mates, providing a ready source of nutrients for the coming young. He closed his eyes tightly, but couldn't stop an image from forming: a naked Ank wearing a bib, holding a knife and fork.

"Is the author trying to think of what to do next?" Naruto had a suggestion for that, but didn't want the story to get a 'mature' rating. He was considerate that way.

"Not at all," a voice said. "Quite the opposite, actually." The voice belonged to a large stocky man wearing a well-crafted three-piece suit and golden cuff-links. His tie was decorated with small representations of the ten Bijuu. "The author has thought of another plot angle."

"Great," Naruto grumped, wondering who the man was. Wait! That voice. And! His large size. It was the enforcer. He didn't look as creepy, this way. But, he still freaked the boy out, just the same. "His other plot angles were _so-oooo-ooo-oo-o_ damn wonderful. What's he going to do _this_ time? Poke me in the eye? Kick me in the nuts? Give me a big paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?" He looked around critically, to see if the unmoving people were increasing in number. "He's not going to add more of theose weird or nasty guys, _is_ he?"

"Maybe. Maybe not," the enforcer said with a laugh. "They served their purpose. And... as for hurting you... don't act like such a big baby. You were discomforted, but not hurt." He created a pacifier out of thin air and offered it to Naruto, who folded his arms across his chest and frowned. "At least... not yet. We wouldn't want to steal Miss Mitarashi's thunder... _right?"_ He grinned, showing perfect teeth. The pacifier was gone. He was holding a rather large First Aid kit. "He's not about to apologize for that. But, he _will_ give you more freedom that before. He will allow you to create your own pleasure and your own pain."

"Huh?" Naruto wrinkled his brow. He smelled a rat, figuratively speaking. "How exactly is he going to do _that?"_ He narrowed his eyes. "And will it be permanent? He's not going to keep coming back to this story, _is_ he?"

"There will be three final chapters," the enforcer replied. "He's promised that much. Here... let's do this... it seems appropriate given the situation." He took a large rubber eraser out of his suit pocket. He moved it this way and that, as if he were erasing something off of the air itself. People and things began diappearing a bit at a time. "It's OK!" He spoke to curtail Naruto's growing anxiety. "No one is being hurt. They're just being moved back into the Realm of Possibility." Soon, the two of them were the only things standing in a vast white expanse.

"That's-" Naruto felt a twinge of fear, and a greater sense of loneliness than he had ever felt before. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and counted to ten. "I don't even know how to put it into words-"

"I understand,' the enforced said. "Is _this _any better." Things went completely black.

"**NO!" **Naruto exclaimed.

"How about _this,"_ the well-groomed construct asked. They were both sitting in folding chairs, sitting by a beach, holding tall glasses and even taller straws.

"Well..." Naruto looked around him. The beach was pristine. The rhythmic sounds of the waves was soothing. The warmth of the sun was pleasant, and the fruit punch was icy cold. The ice jingled. Sea birds cried out. "It's not so bad..." He coughed. A mermaid rose out of the water and waved.

"If you like, we can add her to the wheel, too." The enforcer chuckled when Naruto almost fumbled the glass. A small paper umbrella fell out and was pushed along by the wind. "Just joking." She snapped his fingers. The mermaid was no longer there. "If this isn't to your liking..." He blinked, like a djinni might.

"It-" Naruto shaded his eyes with his hand. They were at a desert oasis. Camels wandered peacefully, and monkeys pulled dates from majestic palm trees. Women is scanty clothing carried water urns on their heads. Women with even more skin showing moved their bellies in dance, hypnotizing the young shinobi with their gyrations.

"You can have any one of them, if you wish." The enforcer smacked one attractive woman on her rump playfully. She giggled and walked over to Naruto. She blew into his ear and he almost wet his pants. "Or-" He blinked again.

"Geez!" Naruto felt as if he had been dipped into ice cold water. He and the enforcer were now standing on top of a enormous snow-covered mountain. The air was so clear, that it looked as if they could see forever. A hawk circled far overhead. A large flock of rugged mountain goats bleated and moved on their way. "You had better not say I can have one of _those_..." He pointed at the goats, remembering how he felt when the Great Wheel had seemed to stop on Ton Ton's name.

"Wow," the enforcer said with a drawl. "Who would have thunk it? The boy is randy like a goat." He shook his head in mock sadness. "And randy_ for_ a goat." He sighed. "And this was such a clean family-oriented story."

"**WHO ARE YOU FOOLING!"** All of the day's events had taken a toll on Naruto. It was really hard to keep his cool. Just the same, he managed to quiet his voice when he heard the booming echoes. "It's been _you guys_ that have been writing all that weird stuff." When the enforced said 'Moi?' the noisy ninja said "You know what I mean!" He did a double take when he found himself back in Konoha. But, it was an empty city. And, there was a large tarp covering a new bulge on the Hokage Monument, as if there was a stone face hidden from view. "That-"

"Yes," the enforcer said. "It's a scene device that will add a little oomph to my explanation of things to come. You see, you will have a chance to determine without a doubt whose face that is there. You can choose which people walk these streets. Or, you can leave it all up to fate."

"You mean I can tell the writer what to write?" Naruto felt a twinge of hope. "And things will turn out the way I want it?" He looked over towards the clearing. The Wheel was there. But, there were no names painted on it. "We don't have to spin the wheel. I don't have to-" he coughed again. "You know."

"Yes and no," the enforcer said, putting on a pair of reading glasses. He began perusing a list, making certain he had the facts straight. "You are being gifted with three choices. First," the enforcer tapped his finger on a particular printed line. "You can leave things the way they are. You and Miss Mitarashi will do the dirty, and all of the other chips will fall as they may. Second-" he tapped another line. "You can spin again, this time without any outside influence. You and the woman whose name comes up will become intimate, and the world will continue on its way."

"Do you mean that the author will keep wring this FanFiction the way he wants?" Naruto cocked his head. Was there anyone worse than Anko? She was, after all, realtively young and not unattractive.

"No," the enforcer said. "Things will follow along logically, based on the events of this story, and following the rules of the original manga. Not the same events as the manga, mind you. Just the same general world. The author will have no knowledge of the outcome, and by definition won't be able to write in this particular parallel dimension again. People may or may not read the story. They may or may not leave reviews. Either way, when the twelfth chapter is published, that's it. Unless, of course, the author needs to make corrections. You know, spelling and punctuation."

"That's good, at least!" Naruto rubbed his chin. "Is there a third choice?"

"Indeed there is," the enforcer said, running a hand through his flawless hair. "You get to spin the wheel with only one influence. _Your_ influence. It will land on any name you choose. You will have a sexual encounter with the woman you select. But, it will be sex with benefits."

"How-" Naruto felt his mouth go dry. He still had huge problems with the sex part. "What-"

"_You_ will get to be the author," the enforcer said. "You will have one day to draw the world the way you want it to be, and that's how things _will_ be. You will be able to script things any way you wish, with as few details as possible, or as many details as you might want. Fate will fill in anything you do not. The ripples you make in the world will spread in logical fashion after that. But-"

"But?" Naruto always hated when people added a 'but' at the end of a sentence.

"Ripples in a pond or puddle are one thing. Ripples in the earth... you know, tectonic plate kind of stuff... that's much more serious. Ripples amongst people... and amongst all of their descendants..." He didn't need to say more. He had made his point.

"I-" Naruto was trying to wrap his mind around things. "I would be like a god..." For a moment, he was incredibly excited, The next moment, he felt suspicious, as if there must be something bad about having such power. "I could know the future. I could write the future. But... what would..." It was too much to grasp at that instant. It could be worse han a time traveller going back in time and changing events. Possibilities were endless!

"You find yourself caught on the cusp of a moral and ethical dilemma," the enforcer opined. "With ultimate power comes ultimate responsibility. While you will have the power of a diety the same way that a writer does, you will be part of the story. A writer can modify a story or delete it altogether. Or, he can simply put a story out of his mind. You won't be able to do that. But, it won't matter. You will forget that we have ever met. You will forget that you had any hand in shaping your universe." He put a hand to his ear and listened. "This is a nice boon... I think..." He unbuttoned a couple of buttons, opened his dress jacket, and reached inside. He pulled out a sphere of the clearest glass, filled with a murky liquid silver. "Take this."

"What is it?" Naruto ran his hand over the globe. It was chill to the touch. It looked like it should be very heavy, but felt as light as a feather.

"The globe will answer any question you put to it. Up to a total of five questions. The query can be as short or simple as you like, or you can add hours and hours worth of variables." He tapped on the globe and it beeped, glowing red briefly. "I've installed a free trial that won't take away from your allotment."

"_Really?"_ Naruto was intrigued. Should he use this as a freebie, or a way to get a sixth serious question? "Hmmm-mm-m. What should I ask?" That was a rhetorical question, as he tried to organize his options.

The globe began to shake. The opalescent fluid began spinning, and then turned translucent. Then without warning, it exploded.

"**Guh!" **Naruto spat out nasty gloppy stuff from his mouth. He looked down at his jumpsuit and fought the urge to vomit. It looked like he had been sneezed upon by the largest nose in Creation. "What the heck happened?"

"You broke it," the enforcer said. "You asked the globe a question it could not answer by definition.

"What question," Naruto asked, trying desperately to remember what he had said.

"'What should I ask'," the enforcer replied. "It couldn't answer, since after you asked that question, there was no additional free question available." He took a squeegie out of nowhere and used it to clean Naruto's clothing in impossible and impeccable fashion. He also handed him a box of tissues. "Also... you cannot use any of your actual questions to ask for the best question to ask. That's like the old three wishes deal with djinni. Or, genies if you like. You can't use one wish to ask for more wishes. That kind of unfair advantage."

"Oh!" Naruto made a sour face, as if that bit of info should have been provided before the damned thing had been turned on. "Well... could I possibly..."

"Yes," the enforcer said. He pulled out an identical globe. "This is the last one."

"Okay," Naruto said. Months back, his question would have been about Sasuke. Instead, his question was influenced by the whole rigamarole with the Wheel. That, and the fact that there was an original storyline out there. He shook the glove, watching as small bubbles swam towards one another and congregated, forming one large air pocket. "In the true manga... the one written by... uh..."

"Masashi Kishimoto," the enforcer responded.

"In the true manga written by Masashi Kishimoto-" Naruto began. "Would Sakura and I have hooked up?" He shook the sphere again as if it were a snow globe and then held his breath. It was a very confusing issue for him. If the globe answered 'yes,' he might have his answer here and now.

The globe turned a solid black in color, with the exception of a gray round window. A white circle appeared away from that window. A black '**8**' arose at the center of that circle. A 20-sided dice began spinning, just beyond the window. When a face of that isohedron stopped flat against the glass, words could be made out: 'ask again later.'

"Hey! That's-" Naruto cleched his jaw. His body twitched, and he almost dropped the globe. He began bobbling it, knocking it higher and higher into the air until he grabbed it tight to his chest. "I asked a good question. I thought that this thing was supposed to give me a good answer!"

"I apologize," the enforcer said. "It was a joke. The writer allowed me to enjoy a moment of absurdity." He nodded at the globe. It was clear again. "I turned it into an magical version of Mattel's _Magic 8-ball_, a a pseudo-fortune telling toy from the real world that was originally called the_ Syco-Seer_. Five answers are strongly affirmative. Five are tenatively positive. Five are negative. And, five are non-commital." He looked serious for a moment. "When you use the device for a definite question, it will reply by voice, and the number of possible answers is infinite." He told Naruto to try again. "You don't have to shake it. But, if you want to, by all means go ahead and do so."

"In the true manga written by Masashi Kishimoto-" Naruto began. "Would Sakura and I have hooked up?" He didn't shake the thing this time.

"The answer is a definite 'No'," the globe replied. The voice was mellifluous. "Dear."

"It-" Naruto scowled. "Dear? Was that another joke? That answer-"

"Giving the entity within the globe a woman's voice, and an affectionate one at that-" The enforcer began. He didn't mention the reference to a Star Trek episode from the original television series. "-Was a tiny private joke." He held the thumb and forefinger of one hand about an inch apart to show how tiny. "But, the answer was real."

"I see." Naruto felt somewhat rejected. He had secretly expected that answer, but somehow felt as if life were denying him something again. He frowned. He had to grow up even more, and get rid of that pessimistic 'Oh woe is me' kind of reaction. Time and time again in the past, his life had taken a turn for the better. He didn't always get everything that he wanted, but he certainly ended up getting what he needed more times than not. "That certainly gives me something to think about." He sighed. "As if I don't have enough to think about as it is!"

"..." the enforcer decided to withold his reply. The boy obviously needed to talk things out. But, he began reciving another incoming message. "Ah-" The enforcer said. He had a faraway look. "The writer has decided to add a Fourth choice. You can add blank slots to the wheel. If the pointer lands on a blank, you don't have to have to sleep with anyone and the writer keeps his grubby paws off of this storyline." There was a kicker of course. "For every blank you add, you will have to accept a hardship. That hardship can be the death of a person of your choice, enemies excluded. Or, it can be escalating problems in your own life. The first blank slat brings a small problem. The second brings an even bigger problem. And so forth and so on. The problems that effect you will not occur in a vaccuum. Remember that. If the problem turns out to be a Fifth Shinobi War, many people will die. Things like that."

"But... I won't remember making the choice..." Naruto muttered to himself. He knew he would feel guilty if any choice he made hurt a single person. It would be horrible, if many people suffered as a result of his decision. But, if enemies were excluded, were criminals considered enemies? What if he had never met them personally? He shook his head, not liking the paths that his thoughts had begun to follow. He was not a big fan of sophism, even though he had trouble remembering the meaning of that word.

"Why so serious," the enforcer said, making a pop culture reference he knew that troubled jinchiruuki wouldn't get. He knew that the readers might. "There's plenty of time for deep thoughts later. For now, the writer has added a Fifth choice to juice things up." He took out a large stack of condoms, the packets connected end to end. When he let go of the stack and held on to the last packet, the string of packets stretched out over several yards. "You can choose to spin the wheel as many times as you want. You could collect a large number of bedmates that way. You could also change their attitude, making them more than willing." He laughed. He knew that the boy would never take the Fifth choice. "It gives you something more to think about."

"So..." Naruto was blushing. Being a teenage boy, he just _had _to think about that last scenario, if only for a moment. He gave himself a sharp rap with his knuckles, causing his head to feel like a bell that had been rung. "With the First choice..." Anko. That would be Anko. He didn't need to use the word 'First.' With her, it might be his last! "It would be like the saying... what was it... right-" He nodded his head. "Better the devil that you know than the devil you don't know." He bit his tongue. The pairing of the word 'devil' and 'Anko' left him feeling queasy. "Maybe I should say 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush'." No. That left him feeling doubly dirty, even though he hadn't meant things as a sly play on words. "Either way... it would be one bad night, and I wouldn't be responsible... well... only for making a choice I won't remember..."

"And of course, you would need to be re-spons-i-ble if you forgot to use protection." The enforcer snapped the attached condom packets like a whip. "It will be up to the lovebirds to take precautions. The author will not be writing the events of the tryst. I will give these prophlactics to you... but I definitey won't be there to put them on for you!""

"**I hope not!" **Naruto swallowed hard again. The full impact of the immediate future began to buffet his bouncing brain. Intimacy. Body mechanics. Uncertainty. All of the things that teens thought about, or foolishly choose to ignore or forget. He didn't feel immortal! He didn't feel infallible! He was a caring and responsible young man!

"Don't worry so much," the enforced said kindly. "This kind of thing has been going on for eons. People survive it. In the proper situations, they enjoy it. In a way, this is all your turn on the casting couch."

"Huh?" Naruto didn't get the Hollywood reference.

"You're getting fcked by the Director," the construct said, "Figuratively, not literally." Directors made movies. Movies made money and entertained movie-goers. Movie-goer's money helped pay the way for more movies. If a reader enjoys a FanFic by an author, they may come back and read his or her next story. "So, what about the benefits of the Second option." He would give Naruto a mental nudge, helping him to get his thoughts moving again.

"Let's see... the Second..." He had to recall what _that_ was. Right! "The good thing about that would be no Anko... probably..." He ran through the list of possibilities. "But... it could be... Agari or Madam Shijimi..." Barf! "Or... it could be a villain... like Suzumebachi or Hisame..." He thought about Black Widow spiders and Praying Mantises again. He also thought about bees. What did bees do? He had heard that in class. Yes. Drones. Male bees. The only role of a drone is to mate with a virgin queen when she goes out on her brief mating flights. Drones do not mate with the queen of their own hive, since that queen is the drone's mother. A virgin queen may mate with as many as twenty drones. If a drone has not successfully mated after a week or so, the workers will withhold food, or he will be driven out of the hive and killed. But, it's a lose-lose proposition. When a drone _does _mate with a queen, his genitalia remained attached to his mate when he pulls away, breaking off and leaving him to die of his injuries!

Naruto had to clear his throat before continuing. "But that choice isn't as good as number Four." He didn't think that he could choose to have someone die, not even the worst criminal alive, not if it somehow benefited him. But, he could risk small trials and tribulations, right? He had spent a lifetime living through that kind of thing! If he added three or four blanks to the wheel, that would certainly be better than simply spinning again. "If I add blanks, can I choose which names are replaced by the blanks?" That was a very clever question.

"Certainly," the enforcer said, grinning. The boy might not be a genius, but he certainly had his moments. "No more Madam Shijimi... no more Suzumebachi... and so forth and so on." He caught a bee that appeared, crushed it in his hand, and let its corpse fall to the grass.

"Can you give me a hint?" Naruto asked. "How many blanks could I get before the hardships get really bad or end up hurting other people?" He tried to look as chibi as possible.

The enforcer merely shrugged. He didn't reply. Instead, he added a boutonniere to his suit lapel. It was a clove-red carnation. He took out a nail file and began working away at his nails, whistling.

"Never mind," Naruto grumped. He felt like a child acting in a peevish manner. "The Fifth... I wouldn't take the Fifth..." His eyes went wide. He looked up at the Hokage Monument. Tsunade was the Fifth... the Fifth Hokage. "I certainly would _not_ take the Fifth!" That was true in all senses of the word. No, there was one exception. The Fifth Amendment. Choosing Granny Tsunade under oath would certainly incriminate him! Hmmm-mm-m. Where had the knowledge of something called the Fifth Ammendment come from? And something known as the Bill of Rights. "Hey... stupid author... stay out of my head!"

"So... are you getting a good idea of which path you might take?" The enforcer had grabbed an apple out of nothingness and was peeling it with a suddenly sharp fingernail. The shiny red peel was coming off in a perfect spiral. "Is this something that you will be able to pick with a gut feeling, or will you need to ponder things a bit?" He tossed the apple high into the air, gestured with his hand, and then created a small plate out of Ming Dynasty china. The apple slices fell into a pyramid-shaped pile. "Would you like some?"

"No thank you," Naruto answered. His stomach grumbled. "Well... maybe one..." As he began chewing, he didn't know that tiny pieces of fruit were falling out of the corner of his mouth. He also didn't take much notice of the exquisite taste. He was very distracted. "Rhu rho..." He swallowed. "You know... this is really hard. I have to think hard about that third choice. It sounds like the best choice off hand... if only because I get to chose the girl that I... you know..." He sighed and took another slice. This times his eyes went wide. That was tasty! "But that way... it's almost like_ I'm_ the one who would be forcing things on her."

"How about the chance to sculpt history?" The enforcer raised one eyebrow. He dabbed at his mouth with a hadkerchief and created another apple. This time, he held it out to Naruto, humming a little ditty about Adam and Eve. "That can be very tempting, for all manner of reasons."

"I don't know, to be honest." Naruto took the offered apple. He bit into it with a crisp crunch. Juice ran down his chin. "I could do a lot of good, _couldn't_ I? But, I could also screw a lot of things up." He took another bite, frowned, and spat out a couple of seeds. "But I wouldn't be earning anything. I wouldn't be making things happen by doing things my own way. It wouldn't be my Ninja Way."

"That's not entirely true. You would be doing things your own unique way in this window of opportunity. And, it would feel like you were doing things your own way once the events start to unfold." The enforcer reached out and dabbed at Naruto with his cloth. "You could use your Ninja Way as the yardstick for your choices. Or, you could use any standard you read about, are told about, or can imagine on your own."

"I'm going to need to think about this," Naruto said. He fought back a belch. "Normally... I would talk to my friends." For some reason, that had Naruto feeling very much on edge. "I think... well-" He didn't know how to put the swirling morass of feeling and emotions into words. "I think that I would be embarrassed to talk with them about this... if only for the sex issue." He had all of the necessary plumbing to have sexual intercourse, but was poorly equipped emotionally.

He also had very distinct ideas of Right and Wrong, and hadn't always been able to reconcile them with the world around him. "I guess I also don't want to burden them. This should all be my responsibility, shouldn't it? Not just the sex part. If I make the decision to change the future..." He let the thought die on the vine. He could tell that the enforcer was following his thoughts easily enough.

"I'm going to pop out of here for a few minutes," the enforcer said. "There are some things that I want to clarify with the FanFic writer. I have some ideas of my own, and hope that he'll let me give them a spin." With that, he became thinner and thinner until he was a barely visible vertical line. That line shrank vertically until it was a small dot, which moments later disappeared from view.

"That's just-" Naruto shook his head. He was getting altogether too comfortable with the impossible and improbable. He began walking around Konoha, looking at the little things that he hadn't yet noticed about the newly rebuilt village. He really missed his nostalgic landmarks, like the original training posts, his old apartment room, and the telephone poll that Kakashi used to perch on. Things even smelled different. It wasn't a bad smell. It just wasn't the smell that he had grown up loving.

Was that a good reason to change things to his liking? Or, was it a warning about changing things at all? Maybe he could refrain from making specific voluntary changes... maybe he could make a long list of things that he _didn't_ want to see happen! No. Maybe not. Who knows what might happen? Take away certain bad things, and have worse things take their place? His head hurt! It felt as if it were trapped in a vice, and a reanimated Kisame was yanking on the lever with everything he had.

"What choice should I make?" Naruto kicked a rock hard, and watched as it riccocheted off of a curb and bounced into a rain grate. "Score!" He blinked rapidly. That might not be the best choice of words these days. "If I choose the Third choice, what decisions do I make after that? Is it even right to choose at all?" Damn. So many possibilities kept popping into his head. How would he feel if someone else had this choice, and their choices impacted his life? What would Kakashi do? What with Jiraiya have done? What would his Father or Mother have done. Hell, what would Katsuyu do!

**BOMFFFF-FFF-FF-F!**

The enforcer was back. He had a jogging suit on this time. "Since you want to tour the place, we might as well get some execise while we do it." He motioned Naruto to follow him and started off at a slow pace. He stopped momentarily, seeing that Naruto was coughing from the large gas cloud that had signalled his arrival. "I've been told that I can give you a little primer talk. And, I can invite some special guests to add their own caveats."

"Primer?" Naruto began jogging. "_What_ guests?" He cursed when the enforcer began picking up the pace. Who the hell did he think he was, Gai? **"Wait up!"**

"What is life's greatest gift?" The enforcer was now running on his hands, without losing any speed. He flipped over and resumed running on his feet.

"I almost said ramen," Naruto said. But I think my real answer has to be..." He smiled. "Friends. Precious people. Having someone to care about, and someone who cares about me!"

"A very good answer," the enforcer said. "And very fitting, seeing who you are and what you've been through... in the manga and anime, not to mention FanFiction." He created numerous copies of himself, each with a different number on his back. He sent them all ahead at staggered distances. Then, he gave them each a baton. "Let's race!" Hurdles sprung up along the street ahead. "What would life be without hurdles? You know, the things that friends help you get over."

"Hey-" Naruto bit his tongue. It made no sense, complaining. It was easier just to follow along. He created matching shadow clones, each with his own baton. **"GO!"** It wasn't cheating. It was a creative advantage. His clones started running at full speed. He had stood still for a few moments prior to his exclamation, gathering Natural Energy. For some reason, he could do that fairly quickly in this setting. And, he could pass chakra directly to the bunshin. He found a safe place to leave the globe.

"I would offer a different answer," the enforcer said. His copies matched speed with Naruto's. "I would say that free will or freedom of choice is the greatest gift." He then ran far ahead of his competitor after saying "Every choice can bring us closer to our goal-" He then fell far behind. "-Or it can set us back." In the blink of an eye, he was neck and neck with the orange-clad ninja again. He passed his baton at theexact moment that Naruto passed his. They both then stood watching as the race continued. "We can all be a sculpter, of sorts. We can whittle away at life with our hammer and chisel. We can sculpt our own lives, and our actions can sculpt other people as well, or affect the swing of their arm and the aim of their tools."

"**Go**... **go**... _**go.**_..." Naruto was a bit caught up in the race. "Oh. Sorry." He asked the enforcer to repeat what he had said, and heard it all this time. "But there's a cost,_ right?" _Naruto tried to focus on the talk and the race at the same time. "Responsibility." He sounded somewhat sour. He grimaced when he hit his shin sharply on a hurdle.

"You make it sound like that's a bad thing." The enforcer lead Naruto down an alley, so as to give them a better view of the final stages of the race. "When we have a responsibility and see it through, we feel good, right? We feel as if we have accomplished something."

It's almost like winning a fight!" Naruto had to admit, he felt very good when his Team finished a mission successfully. He was the kind of person who dreaded responsibiliy before getting started, but was also one who loved having been trusted with responsibility after he had followed through properly.

"Some people look at it that way," the enforcer said. The two remaining runners were less than fifty yards from a victory ribbon. "But, it isn't necessary to win." He blinked. His copy ran in front of the Naruto clone and cracked off the loudest and smelliest fart that the Naruto-verse had ever seen. The Naruto clone went crossed-eyed and fell over.

"Hey! That's cheating! You... you..." Naruto was enraged. He didn't make the connection yet.

"Was it cheating when you defeated the Inuzuka boy during the Chuunin exams?" The enforcer chuckled. He loved when things went full circle.

"I-... it-..." Naruto tugged at one ear, his ire diminishing. "No-... I suppose not-..." He didn't know what to say. "I guess we should always expect the unexpected. Or, we shouldn't assume anything. Whatever." He still felt pissed. Even though he hadn't looked down on Kiba the way that the other boy had looked down at him, he could get a sense of how Kiba must have felt, losing at the very moment he thought that he was going to win. "Damn. No matter how you cut it, it still stinks!"

"True," the enforcer said. "But in life, it isn't necessary to win to enjoy the game. It's more like shogi than a track meet, or an exam match." He held out an ice cold water bottle to Naruto, who grudgingly accepted it. He watched as the boy held the cool bottle against his sweaty forehead. He opened another bottle, took a long swig, and spoke again. "In shogi or life, make the best move that is available at the time. Keep doing that, and you will enjoy the game no matter what the outcome is."

"You can say that. It would probably be more like I would enjoy the game _until_ the outcome." Naruto wasn't a big fan of informmercials, or the kind of people that offered platitudes while glowing with an unnatural level of happiness or contentedness. "But... I could make certain the outcome was good... _and_ enjoy the game... with the Third choice."

"Yes." The enforcerhad a cryptic look in his eye. "Maybe." He smiled when Naruto stared at him. He would leave that 'maybe' as an uncertainty for the boy to ponder. "I suppose you could make your life a great journey _and_ a great destination, if you choose well." He pointed over at the shadow clones, who were panting heavily. Some were laying on their backs. Others leaned over as if they were about to puke. They then began popping out of existence. "Just remember that there are other people playing the game, too." He asked Naruto to follow him. "There are other things to keep in mind." He showed Naruto where one of the clones had taken a turn too wide, and had trammpled a long immaculate flower garden. He would let the young shinobi form his own conclusion.

"Well... if it comes down to choices..." He took a drink from his bottle. He then poored some water on a posie that had been knocked slightly askew. "How do I make the right ones? And... if I don't choose... isn't that a choice, anyway?"

"Indeed," the enforcer said. He took a drink, too and rubbed his mouth with his arm. "_Ahhhh-hhh-hh-h._ That was good!" He pointed to the nearest bath house. "Let's get cleaned off." Before long, the two of them were soaking in a rather warm tub. "I could create a couple of curvy cuties, if you like."

"**NO!"** Naruto didn't need any more distractions at the moment. He needed a clear mind. He needed focus. "I mean, no." It was weird enough carrying on the conversation like this as it was.

"So, how can we make good choices?" The enforcer leaned back and closed his eyes. "There are a few things that might help you. First, remember that choices aren't always moral or immoral. Sometimes they're smart and stupid. If you can make a choice between those two, you should take-"

"The smart one," Naruto said, finishing the sentence. "But it doesn't always seem that simple. Sometimes there are two good choices. Or two bad."

"Take the better," the enforcer said. "Avoid the worse." He shrugged, as if that were common sense. "Also remember that the easy choice is not always the best choice. You may find yourself standing at a crossroad. One path may tempt you. The other path may make you a better man. The choice may be the simple part, sometimes. The hard part might be first figuring out which choice is noble, and which is self-serving." He took a bar of soap out of the Never-Never and held it up. "Soap?" When Naruto shook his head, he sniffed. Wrinkling his nose, he moved closer and sniffed again. "Take my advice. Use the soap."

"..." Naruto did well not to fire off a snappy reply. He might have had his mouth washed out with that soap.

"Did you know that I would like to be a philosopher when I retire?" The enforcer grabbed a large sea sponge that floated past. He began scrubbing all over. "Just joking! But this might start sounding a bit... you know..." He had to balance the message, and the number of words needed to get there. He rightfully had Naruto pegged as the type of person with a limited attention span. "I suggest that you make it a habit of distinguishing between the things that you _can_ do, and the things that you _want _to do."

"Huh?" Naruto didn't grasp the enforcer's meaning. "Can't I want to do the things that I can do?"

"Our wants are like Kyuubi. His hatred will never be sated. Neither will our desires. Every person wants to do everything. But, we don't have time to do eveything, and if we do too many things, none of them will turn out the best they can." The enforcer began soaping his hair. He soon had an enormous afro of bubbles. "Choose good goals. Choose goals that you have time for. Set good priorities. Don't waste all of your time on minor tasks. Make certain that you take care and complete the most important things."

"That makes sense," Naruto said. He pushed a floating frog toy under the surface of the water, and watched as it rocketed back up with a splash. Looking over at the corner of the soaking pool, he saw a toy snake and a toy slug.

"It also helps if you can take care of your responsibilities because you _want_ to, not because you _have_ to. I know, that's easier said than done. But, a little conscious thinking can work wonders!" He turned the toy frog into a real one. "Do you remember the story that the guy told about the frog..." He held it up to Naruto.

"**Gah! **_That's sick!_ I don't want a frog to suck on my-" He scooted back a few yards.

"What-" The enforcer was actually taken aback. He had been bothered by soap in his eyes, and messed up the time-space continuum inside his head. "Oh... that blow-job story... not that... and not that guy." He sighed. "That's right. I haven't introduced the old guy to you yet." He rarely made a mistake like that. He would ask the writer for a vacation when he got back. "I'll tell the fable, since you haven't heard it yet. It's called _The Ass and the Frogs_:

_An ass, carrying a load of wood, passed through a pond. As he was crossing through the water he lost his footing, stumbled and fell, and not being able to rise on account of his load, groaned heavily. Some Frogs frequenting the pool heard his lamentation, and said, "What would you do if you had to live here always as we do, when you make such a fuss about a mere fall into the water?_

"So, what do you think the moral is?" The enforcer shut off that part of his mind that could see into the future. He wanted to be able to react to Naruto's reply. It got to be boring, being omniscience as well as omnipotent.

"People sometimes handle small problems with less courage than they do big problems." Naruto actually liked fables. A few of the kinder caretakers at the orphanage allowed him to sit with the other children during story time.

"Very good. Men often do bear little grievances with less courage than they do large misfortunes. Maybe you aren't as stupid as Uchiha Sasuke thinks." The enforcer guffawed, seeing the look on Naruto's face. "No..._ I_ should make a better choice in words... maybe you really are as clever as Hyuuga Neji thinks you are."

"Don't be a flatterer!" Naruto said sourly. He almost said 'No one loves a suck up', but didn't want to use the word 'suck' at that moment.

"No. Wrong fable," the enforcer joked. "That's _The Fox and the Crow_ fable. Anyway, as a sort of corollary, some people find it easier to take on those tasks that make them feel stressed and pressured. Strangely enough, they have trouble dealing with those tasks that are simple and care-free. That's not healthy. Tasks that you _have_ to do cause stress. Tasks that you _want_ to do, release you from inner conflict. Moreso, you may not be able to chose something that you want. It is then up to you to learn how to want the thing that you have to choose."

"You're saying this all to f-ck me up aren't you!" Naruto immediately apologized. All of this philosphy-stuff had his mind doing more cartwheels than before. "Sorry. I'll just try to remember what you say now, and think about it later."

"Fair enough," the enforcer said. He wasn't bothered in the least. Nothing ever got under his skin. Technically, he didn't even _have _skin. "Another point. Always look for the good in things. No matter how tough a situation might get, you will probably find some good in it. Or, find some good that comes from the lesson you are taught. If you look for good things... you can find them. If you only look at the bad side of things-"

"I know. I know." Naruto saw the wisdom in all that. "I always do better when I have hope. If I refuse to quit, good things happen." He thought a moment. "Attitude makes a difference too, right? If I see something as an opportunity... I may see it in a good way. But if I look at it as a problem-"

"Excellent," the enforcer said. Flicking one finger, he created a small waterfall over his soapy head. He did the same for Naruto, who wasn't ready for it. The boy had opened his mouth to speak but swelled up like a balloon when water went down his throat. The enforcer clapped his hands loudly. They were both fully clothed again, standing outside of the bath house. "Now that you are cleaned up, there are some people that I want to introduce you to." He did his version of_The Summoning: Impure World Resurrection._ "This first guy is a bit eccentric, but very kind. Usually. Make sure that you're polite."

An elderly man suddenly appeared amonst them. He was dark-skinned and surrounded by a sizeable menagerie of animals, of all sizes and temperament. Frogs hopped about. Mice scampered. A wolf growled, its hackles rising. A lion took a look at Naruto and licked its lips. Birds took to the wing. Ands spread across the road.

"Hello," the wizened old man said, taking some bread out from under a whte toga and tossing it to the birds. "My name is Aesop. I'm a fabulist who was born a slave, about twenty-five hundred years ago." To the two observers, it seemed obvious that the ancient man was trying hard not to be distracted by the modern marvels all about him. "What?"

Naruto also tried not to stare. But, that had to be the ugliest person he had ever seen! The old man was potbellied, misshapen of head, snub-nosed, swarthy, dwarfish, bandy-legged, short-armed, squint-eyed, liver-lipped... truly a portentous monstrosity.

"Yes... I am very ugly... I know..." Aesop frowned. That made him even uglier. He took out a flank steak from under his toga and tossed it to the wolf. It gulped the meat down and licked its chops. "But... this ugly man won his freedom through cleverness, and went on to become an adviser to kings and the rulers of city-states."

"Yes, sir." Naruto tried to pull his gaze away from the man's outfit. That clothing was different than anything he had seen before. The white drapery almost looked like-

"It is not a bed sheet," Aesop said with uncharacteristic ascerbity. "It's a toga." He had correctly deduced Naruto's thoughts. "Someone wearing an orange and black... whatever... should _never_ rush to be critical of others."

"Aesop-" The enforcer reached inside of his dress jacket and through a sumptuous bunch of grapes to the cantankerous historic figure. "He's a good kid. This is how they dress in this world. Don't bother trying to understand it." He turned to Naruto. The boy was busy attempting to kick away a small dog that had appeared with the Greek geezer. It was trying to hump his leg.

"He likes you," Aesop wheezed. "I truly believe he does. I may not have been the first teller of fables with animals... that honor went to that syphyllitic bastard Hesiod... but I became the best there ever was." It sounded like he still had a chip on his shoulder. He whistled, and the dog moved away from Naruto, looking for something else to get its jollies on.

"Stupid... flea-bitten... horn dog!" Naruto cursed under his breath.

"What did you call me?" Aesop's voice went up two or three octaves. The animals all turned steely eyes on the young ninja. It looked like they were all royally pissed.

"He was talking about the dog," the enforcer said, tossing Aesop a can of soda. He watched as the old man tried to figure how to open it. He hid a smile when he shook it up... listened to it... and then pulled the tab.

"I think I was happier being dead," the famous figure said, dripping with cola. "OK. Where to begin. I understand that you are in need of some advice." He tapped a finger against one cheek and promptly fell asleep. A fox bit at his toes and woke him up. "Each of my fables has a lesson to teach to children...just like a parable or an allegory. Do I need to explain those words for you?" He let that drop when the enforcer coughed behind his hand. He looked down at a mouse tugging at his tattered toga. "Sure. Why not. The point is a bit off topic, but might help him with his decisions later:

_Long ago, the mice had a general council to consider what measures they could take to outwit their common enemy, the Cat. Some said this, and some said that; but at last a young mouse got up and said he had a proposal to make, which he thought would meet the case. "You will all agree," said he, "that our chief danger consists in the sly and treacherous manner in which the enemy approaches us. Now, if we could receive some __signal of her approach, we could easily escape from her. I venture, therefore, to propose that a small bell be procured, and attached by a ribbon round the neck of the Cat. By this means we should always know when she was about, and could easily retire while she was in the neighbourhood." This proposal met with general applause, until an old mouse got up an_d said _"That is all very well, but who is to bell the Cat?" The mice looked at one another and nobody spoke. Then the old mouse said:_

"It is easy to propose impossible remedies." The enforcer nodded his head. He saw the point that the old Greek was making. He had telepathically informed the fabulist about Naruto's situation, down to the last detail.

"I see..." Naruto said that as he was trying to figure things out. What did that have to do with him. Right! "That's true, even in this manga, where many of the solutions appear impossible to the readers. But... if I was writing the script..."

"A lot more of the impossible would be possible." The enforcer opened a soda can this time and offered it to a thirsty Aesop. He blinked, and large water troughs appeared for the animals. "But... that kind of power brings with it a lot of possible problems."

"Next!" Not wanting to get dragged into a philosophical discussion... he had sufferered through that fate many times in his own days... Aesop pushed onward. He drank quickly, surprising himself with a loud belch. When the animals all stared at him, he said "Whaaa-aa-at!" He took a smaller sip and looked down at a fox and a cat sitting at his sandalled feet. "Fine. It'll do":

_A Fox was boasting to a Cat of its clever devices for escaping its enemies. __"I have a whole bag of tricks," he said, "which contains a hundred ways of escaping my enemies." "I have only one," said the Cat; "but I can generally manage with that." Just at that moment they heard the cry of a pack of hounds coming towards them, and the Cat immediately scampered up a tree and hid herself in the boughs. "This is my plan," said the Cat. "What are you going to do?" The Fox thought first of one way, then of another, and while he was debating the hounds came nearer and nearer, and at last the Fox in his confusion was caught up by the hounds and soon killed by the huntsmen. Miss Puss, who had been looking on, said:_

"Better one safe way than a hundred on which you cannot reckon." The enforcer gave Naruto a meaningful look. "For you, the point is..."

"Don't think too much," Naruto said. "Don't try to overdo things. Stick to the things that serve me best."

"He's not as dumb as he looks," Aesop said. "Well, without further ado":

_It happened that a Dog had got a piece of meat and was carrying it home in his mouth to eat it in peace. Now on his way home he had to cross a plank lying across a running brook. As he crossed, he looked down and saw his own shadow reflected in the water beneath. Thinking it was another dog with another piece of meat, he made up his mind to have that also. So he made a snap at the shadow in the water, but as he opened his mouth the piece of meat fell out, dropped into the water and was never seen more._

The moral for that one was 'Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.' While Naruto was hurriedly scribbling things down on a blank scroll that the enforcer handed him, the old animal-lover launched into his next fable:

_One moonlight night a Fox was prowling about a farmer's hen-coop, and saw a Cock roosting high up beyond hisreach. "Good news, good news!" he cried "Why, what is that?" said the Cock. "King Lion has declared a universal truce. No beast may hurt a bird henceforth, but all shall dwell together in brotherly friendship." "Why, that is good news," said the Cock; "and there I see some one coming, with whom we can share the good tidings." And so saying he craned his neck forward and looked afar off. "What is it you see?" said the Fox. "It is only my master's Dog that is coming towards us. What, going so soon?" he continued, as the Fox began to turn away as soon as he had heard the news. "Will you not stop and congratulate the Dog on the reign of universal peace?" "I would gladly do so," said the Fox, "but I fear he may not have heard of King Lion's decree."_

The moral for that short tale was 'Cunning often outwits itself.' The old man was picking up steam. He was practically hyperventilating as he spoke quicker and quicker:

_"Oh Father," said a little Frog to the big one sitting by the side of a pool, "I have seen such a terrible monster! It was as big as a mountain, with horns on its head, and a long tail, and it had hoofs divided in two." "Tush, child, tush," said the old Frog, "that was only Farmer White's Ox. It isn't so big either; he may be a little bit taller than I, but I could easily make myself quite as broad; just you see." So he blew himself out, and blew himself out, and blew himself out. "Was he as big as that?" asked he. "Oh, much bigger than that," said the young Frog. Again the old one blew himself out, and asked the young one if the Ox was as big as that. "Bigger, father, bigger," was the reply. So the Frog took a deep breath, and blew and blew and blew, and swelled and swelled and swelled. And then he said: "I'm sure the Ox is not as big as this. But at this moment he burst._

The moral to that fable was 'Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction'. Do you think the old man stopped there? Of course not. He was on a roll! And, he had not had an audience for thousands of years! The animals were trying to slow him down, but he barreled down his mental tracks like a runaway train:

_One day a countryman going to the nest of his Goose found there an egg all yellow and glittering. When he took it up it was as heavy as lead and he was going to throw it away, because he thought a trick had been played upon him. But he took it home on second thoughts, and soon found to his delight that it was an egg of pure gold. Every morning the same thing occurred, and he soon became rich by selling his eggs. As he grew rich he grew greedy; and thinking to get at once all the gold the Goose could give, he killed it and opened it only to find nothing._

_In the old days, when men were allowed to have many wives, a middle-aged Man had one wife that was old and one that was young; each loved him very much, and desired to see him like herself. Now the Man's hair was turning grey, which the young Wife did not like, as it made him look too old for her husband. So every night she used to comb his hair and pick out the white ones. But the elder Wife saw her husband growing grey with great pleasure, for she did not like to be mistaken for his mother. So every morning she used to arrange his hair and pick out as many of the black ones as she could. The consequence was the Man soon found himself  
>entirely bald.<em>

_An Eagle was soaring through the air when suddenly it heard the whizz of an Arrow, and felt itself wounded to death. Slowly it fluttered down to the earth, with its life-blood pouring out of it. Looking down upon the Arrow with which it had been pierced, it found that the shaft of the Arrow had been feathered with one of its own plumes. "Alas!" it cried, as it died._

Three fables in rapid succession. Three diferent morals. 'Greed oft o'er reaches itself'. 'Yield to all and you will soon have nothing to yield'. 'We often give our enemies the means for our own destruction.'

"Thank you Aesop," the enforcer said tersely. The old man would hurt himself if he continued like that. Hurt himself, and make it impossible for Naruto to absorb the useful messages. "Bye!" Without a sound, the fabulist and his animal friends disappeared. "He doesn't get out much." That quip had Naruto smiling. "Now is when we get to the gooo-ooo-oo-d stuff."

The enforcer decided to indulge his flair for the dramatic. The sounds of a great spectral organ filled the hills surrounding the village. Dark clouds formed and descended in threatening fashion. A strong wind kicked up, smelling as if it had travelled over a musty old graveyard. Crows circled the village, landing on eaves and perching on balconies.

"Let's do this!" The enforcer used the forbidden jutsu on a much larger scale this time. Slowly, like sprouts bursting forth from plowed earth, bodies begain raisng out of the ground. Upright, those bodies were not corpses or skeletons. Rather, they were men and women who looked very much alive, dressed in all manner of finery and frippery. "These are some of the greatest minds who ever lived, in this world and in other realities. Walk down amongst them and hear the wisdom they have to share."

Naruto swallowed hard. There were two parallel rows of people facing one another. There was barely space to walk down between the rows. And, the rows stretched as far as the eye could. As he took a tentative first step, the nearest sage said "Choices are the hinges of destiny." Another two steps, and another voice spoke gravely and deeply. "It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are." A few more steps. "The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."

It all became a bit of a blur to Naruto. Each famous quote or lesser known witicism made some sense to him, but there was no way to synthesize it all into a cohesive philosopy. He wrote and wrote until he had finger cramps. It looked like he would have a lot of studying to do later. But, if all this helped him make an informed choice, it would be worth it.

"Decisions become easier when your will to please others outweighs your will to please yourself."

"Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions."

"The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in great times of conflict."

"We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side; one which we preach but do not practice, and another which we practice and seldom preach."

"Morality is not really the doctrine of how to make ourselves happy, but of how we are worthy of happiness."

"'Easy' is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man." That one caught Naruto by surprise. But, the quotes soon returned to a more dignified subject matter.

"An ethical person ought to do more than he is required to and less than he is allowed to do."

"Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts."

"There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it."

"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."

"Corruption is worse than prostitution. The latter might endanger the morals of an individual, the former invariably endangers the morals of the entire nation." Again, the mention of something sexually-related had Naruto stumbling for a couple of steps.

"The three hardest tasks in the world are neither physical feats nor intellectual acheivements, but moral acts: to return love for hate... to include the excluded... and to say 'I was wrong'."

"The terrible immoralities are the cunning ones hiding behind the masks of morality, such as exploiting people while pretending to help them."

"Whenever you do a thing, though it can never be known but to yourself, ask yourself how you would act were all the world looking at you, and act accordingly."

"The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he hasn't been caught."

"A leader is a man who knows the way... goes the way... and shows the way."

"A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves."

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them how to long for the endless immensity of the sea."

"He who has not learned to obey cannot be a good leader."

"In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer."

"Leaders don't create followers, they create more leaders."

"Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships."

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever."

"Decide what you want. Decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorites and go to work."

"No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be..."

"Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power."

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it."

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

"Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great. Weak men wait for opportunities; strong men make them."

"A man who misses his opportunity, and a monkey who misses his branch, cannot be saved."

"There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which, taken at flood, leads to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miserie. On such a sea we are now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures." That flowery prose had all of the other famous figures applauding. Naruto found himself caught up in the grandeur of it all. That only made the shock all the more greater when the subject matter took a turn for the worse.

"Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex."

Naruto missed a step, plowed into a tall emaciated man in an ecclesiastic outfit, and apologized. He felt his faces getting warm, and not because of his clumsiness.

"Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach has flunked geography."

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."

"Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants."

"What's the three words you never want to hear when making love? 'Honey, I'm home'."

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a whole lot less."

"Remember, if you smoke after sex... you're doing it too fast!"

"Sex on the television can't hurt you... unless you fall off!"

"Flies spread disease... keep yours zipped!"

"Having sex is like playing bridge... if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!"

"I knew a woman who offered her honor... so I honored her offer... and all night long I was on her and off her."

"**ALLLL-LLL-LL-L-RIGHT. EEEE-EEE-EE-E-NOUGH ALLLL-LLL-LL-L-READY!**

Naruto had shouted at the top of his lungs. The resurrected dignitaries all put their hands over their ears. The noisy ninja had reached his boiling point in record time. He rolled up both sleeves, laced his fingers together, and cracked his knuckles. Working hand seals, he created countless clones. The chatty constructs quickly sank back down into the ground.

"I think I would be better off talking with my friends, after all." Naruto gave the clones a salute. They all vanished. "And... well... maybe I should see how some of the girls feel..."

"A wise decision," the enforcer said.


	10. Monks, Menace, Manhood

The wind brought a pleasant coolness against Naruto's cheek.

The sunlight was particularly warm where the yellow-haired hero sat. Many children had fond memories of riding on their farher's shoulder. Naruto never had that chance. But, as fate would have it, he now stood on the carved head of the Fourth Hokage.

He had been resting there after his memorable encounter with the enforcer, Aesop, and the famous spirits whose identity he hadn't been privileged to learn. There was so much to think about. There were so many sayings and statements to contemplate. For all he knew, one of them might prompt the single special thought that would put everything in the right perspective and make his decision straightforward and simple.

There were still living contemporary people he should talk to. Their comments and insights might be just as important. But, there wouldn't be time to speak to everyone.

"Who should I speak to first?" Naruto watched as a number of kites flew high, ribbons tied to their tails. Yes, the people were back in the village, awaiting news of his next actions. The children below were laughing and giggling, enjoying life to the fullest, in a way that only children can. One thing was certain: he wanted to preserve moments like that for the populace! "Is that a coincidence..."

Birds flew past. They were obviously raptors, with long wings that made them adept at soaring. Naruto correctly identified them as kites, birds that fed mostly on carrion, but also took live prey.

"Is this some kind of message from the writer?" Naruto frowned. He didn't want to think about the writer. That faceless person had put a big burden on his shoulders. Or, had given him a tremendous boon. Both. "Words can have more than one meaning?" Or, was it some kind of hint that a mistake on his part would turn those happy children into carrion?

He was thinking too much again. One moment, he worried about his personal life, particulary about his probable sexual tryst. The next moment, he worried about the world in general, and how his decision would affect everything. It was especially taxing, having to think about two topics that had become so tightly entangled.

"Geez!" Naruto rubbed at his temples. His head hurt! "I need some way to separate those two things! I need to come up with an answer that satisfies both, apart from one another." In a flash of brilliance, he created two large groups of bunshin. "Odd numbers think about... uhhh... sex. Even numbers think about everything else." If the two sides came up with similar answers, he would have a good head start.

The method didn't work. He couldn't separate his thoughts in a literal fashion. But, one of the clones randomly stumbled across a memory that prompted his next move. The bunshin thought about the Rasenshuriken. That thought had him thinking about training sessions and the first of the new jutsu in battle. Thinking about Kakazu had him thinking about the murdered monk, Chiriku.

"Monks!" Naruto gave the particular clone a thumbs up. "_That_ might help!" Monks were ascetics. They lived a lifestyle that separated all types of worldly pleasures from the spiritual or religious matters at hand. They also excelled in philosophical studies. What's more, they like him were believers in the Will of Fire, an ideal that had originated from the Senju clan. Tat the heart of that ideal was the belief that love is the key to peace. A Konoha ninja was expected to love, believe, cherish and fight for the village's sake. "Ummm-mm-m..." Love. Not make love. To hold off that line of thinking again, he closed his eyes and willed himself to be at the Temple of Fire. He knew that he would be there when he opened his eyes. That was the way the story worked.

When Naruto opened his eyes, he saw a magnificent structure that bore a striking reesmeblence to a Shaolin temple in the real world. It was nearly rebuilt, following the destruction of the original edifice at the hands of Kakazu and Hidan, when they were after the thirty million ryō bounty listed in their bingo book. The Temple was located in a secluded and peaceful forest. The mist-shrouded hills were overflowing with nature and Natural energy. He smiled, feeling at peace for the first time in a good while.

The graves of four of the Twelve Guardian Ninja lay in each of the cardinal directions surrounding the artifice. Naruto took time to visit each and mumble words of respect. There were many statues and images of Tengu and Yamabushi, including two statues on either side of the front gates. Those shapes had been chosen in honor of certain cherished legends, myths which told stories of Tengu and Yamabushi teaching humans the arts of ninjutsu.

"Hello!" Naruto called out to a group of monk-trainees. The Temple was doing its best to train new monks, since there were only three survivors from the temple purge that had taken place in the manga: Bansai, Sentoki, and Zenza.

Bansai, stepping away from his acolytes, used the Gift of the Hermit Group, a special kind of chakra that was necessary to unseal the Sealed Iron Wall that granted access to the main building. He told Naruto that Zenza was inside, and would be glad to speak with him.

"Thank you!" Naruto found himself running into the temple. He fought a frown when he ran past the young monks-to-be. Yes, he was in a hurry. No, he felt no need to be serene or dignified. Or, were those young assholes smirking because they were thinking about his... you know... girl problems? No. That was paranoia. He had to stop worrying that everyone was talking about him.

"Ahhh-hh-h... Naruto... we were just talking about you..." That came from Zenza, who was standing with Sentoki and a number of acolytes by a beautiful blooming fruit tree. "Are you alright..." Naruto had tripped, hearing that he was the center of the conversation. "We were celebrating the day of Chiriku's birth, and were honoring the role that you played in the death of his killer."

"O... I see... thanks..." Naruto felt a bit bashful after that. Looking at the young shave-pate dressed in a clean white robe and sporting a well pressed gray sash, he explained his reason for visiting. He was taken aback when he found out that the monks were unaware of the story details. They really were separate from issues of the flesh! "So... you can see that it's a really big responsibility... ." He tried not to get his hopes too high. "Can you offer me any advice?"

"Walk with me," Zenza said, dismissing the others. He was the one who had been chosen to take Chiriku's place. "Ever since the day that a strangely-dressed man visited the Temple and worked mightily at the reconstruction, I have spent long nights discussing religion with him. He gave me a gift of strange and wondrous books, and I have read every word that I could in the free time available to me." He actually blushed. He didn't say that he had discovered a love of jokes, and that they had practically become a compulsion.

"Strangely-dressed man," Naruto muttered to himself. O no! Zenza couldn't possibly mean the enforcer,_ could_ he? Was this whole scene set up by that trouble-maker or the writer himself? Well, even if it had been, maybe there would be some kind of information that would help him in his dilemma. "There are a lot of strangely dressed people in the anime and manga," he whispered to himself as he followed the monk onto a narrow path that headed in in the direction of the nearest mountain.

"I have a joke for you," Zenza said unexpectedly, when they had reached a clearing that held a small well kept shrine.

"O-... Okay..." Naruto was taken aback. A joke? Was the monk trying to lighten the mood, or was their some kind of mystical message involved.

"I have been reading a lot about Heaven," the bald-headed man said, bending a tree branch down so that he could sniff at newly-opened blossoms. "In the other world, Heaven is a physical or transcendental realm in which people who have died continue to exist in an afterlife. In various writings, Heaven is described as the holiest place, with limited access based on standards of divinity, goodness, piety, faith and other virtues."

"I see," Naruto said, feeling slightly less apprehensive. Goodness. Faith. Virtues. Those were the types of things that he wanted to keep in mind when drawing up plans for the future, should he decide to choose the Third choice.

Zenza went on to give a quick explanation regarding God, Moses, and Saint Peter, before starting the joke:

_During a recent staff meeting in heaven God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of former President Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Gary Condit, and the like had brought about the need for an Eleventh Commandment. _

_They worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten. _

_After many revisions they finally agreed that the Eleventh Commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."_

"Huh?" Naruto was at a total loss. So many of the names and concepts were unknown to him. He said as much.

"I apologize," Zenza said, crestfallen. "Let me explain-" He hurried to explain that William Jefferson Clinton was the 42nd president of a great nation called the United States of America, and that he had been caught having improper relations with an intern named Monica Lewinsky. Gary Adrian Condit was an American polician who had served in a body called the House of Representatives, and had an extramarital affair with an intern named Chandra Ley. Jesse Louis Jackson Sr. was an American civil rights activist and Baptist minister who had an affair with a staffer, Karin Stanford, that resulted in the birth of a daughter, Ashley. "So. Ahem. Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

"Rod..." Naruto blushed. "Staff..." He made a face. He didn't like the idea of infidelity, to start with. The idea of powerful and influencial men abusing their station bothered him, and the idea of women being attracted to men like that had him feeling pissed off and sad at the same time.

"I see that you are pertubed," the monk said, not adding 'I hope you aren't perturbed with _me'_. "That is comforting. It is gratifying to see that your heart is in the right place. One hears that kind of thing about you, but it is better to see proof."

"Thank you," Naruto said, not knowing what else to say.

"But, there was a message in my telling that specific joke. Don't let power go to your head." He blushed, thinking of a particular euphemism. He coughed and added "And don't let yourself feel justified to do anything you might long for, simply because you put so much effort into serving others. Should you become Hokage, that title will not provide you with a boundless bag of entitlements." He added another point. "And... on the subject of new Commandments... be cautious about actually creating new laws, or wall-papering over old rules... as Hokage, or as the new writer of the story." On the arduous climb up the mountain, the boy had told him much of what the enforcer had said.

"That's good advice," Naruto admitted. He was glad to see there was a method to the monk's madness.

"In the same vein," Zenza added, blushing again. Thinking of the word vein made him picture a specific vein. It was one that proper monks should _never _see swollen. He still had sinful habits that he needed to rid himself of. "Cough. Cough. Sorry. Here goes:

_Three girls died and were brought to the gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his nameless obedient angel. Saint Peter informed the girls, 'Before entering you must answer this simple question.' _

_'Which is?' they replied in unison. _

_'Have you been a good girl ?' he asked the first girl. 'Oh yes', she said. 'I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married'. 'Very good' said St. Peter. 'Angel, give this girl... the golden key.' _

_'Have you been a good girl?' he asked the second girl. 'Oh, quite good,' she said. 'I was a virgin before I got married, but not after I got married. I never strayed'. 'Very good,' said St. Peter. 'Angel, give this girl... the silver key.'_

_'Have you been a good girl?' he asked the third girl. 'Oh no, not at all,' she said. 'I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.' 'Very good,' said St. Peter. 'Angel, give this girl... my room key.'_

"That-" Naruto didn't know what to say. He could see the humor in the joke. It was the type of joke that some of his friends told. Well, whenever Lee wasn't with them. He oftened laughed at that kind of thing, feeling like he was one of the guys. But, he would have to elevate himself above that when it came time to make his decision. He couldn't be a puppet of commonplace morality. He would have to take a higher road. Right?

"Even saintly men are tempted," Zenza said to Naruto. He smacked a mosquito that landed on his neck. Luckily, he did not believe in the cycle of reincarnation. "But, there is another lesson there. Saint Peter gave a free pass to someone who did not deserve it. He gave preferential treatment. You may be tempted to do the same, by giving great lives and good fortune to the people that please you most. That would be unfortunate, unless they truly are the people of greatest merit. You may be tempted to help those who helped you, at your time of greatest need. That would not be just, when you become the man responsible for looking after everyone's needs."

"Yes. I can see that." Naruto said. But, he had found it easy to love everyone, now that the whole village had accepted him and treated him like a hero. No, treated him like a human being!

"I have one more," the bald monk said, removing dead flowers from the shrine stones. "Let me give you the context, first." He dis so, and then told his third and final joke:

_The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. _

_After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. _

_The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "The 'R'! They left out the 'R'."_

_God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" _

"You see-" Zenza said. "Celebrate instead of celebate." He swallowed hard, thinking again about the vows attached to his vocation. He promised himself that he would get rid of the stash of girlie magazines hidden under his cot. Those, and the complete I_cha Icha _set.

"That's a funny joke, I guess." Naruto could see some humor in it. But, since he had never heard of the Catholic Church and it's rules before this conversation, he had too little emotional investment in the subject matter to see the full depth of comedy.

"It's more than that," the monk said. "A single letter caused such a huge difference. A small mistake can have large ramifications. One miscue can affect millions and maybe more." He waited a moment, silent. Would the young man catch on to something else? "It's also easy to make a mistake in another manner. While some people use the spelling c-e-l-e-b-a-t-e, the true spelling is c-e-l-i-b-a-t-e. A single letter again. Not forgotten or omitted, but accepted as correct or assumed to be right."

"O." Naruto felt a chill go down his spine. He saw the message and understood the context. The joke wouldn't have been possible, if the true spelling had been used. Was the alternate spelling valid? Did the creator of that joke believe he was using a proper spelling, only to be mistaken? Or, had the creator of the joke purposely used an improper spelling, forcing the result that he wanted? Did it matter, if people hearing the joke thought that it was funny? Or, would everything fall flat for them when they viewed it with a critical eye? There was room for gaffs and sideways logic in jokes and jests. Could the same be said for the world he might choose to create?

When Naruto eventually said farewell to Zenza, he headed off down the hill and made his way past the Temple. Just before he closed his eyes and willed himself back in the village, he heard someone call out his name. It was one of the men who had been drafted into carrying him and the winner of the Great Spin to their secret hideaway. He was helping to carry the very same palanquin, because the writer hated waste. The occupant of the cleverly conserved and covered conveyance was the Fire Daimyo.

"Uzumaki Naruto," the bearer called again. "The Daimyo wishes to speak with you." When his biceps flexed under the heavy load, Naruto could see a heart-shaped tattoo with the word 'MOM' in the center.

"At once," Naruto replied. One did not keep a Daimyo waiting. The Daimyos were the rulers of nations, and even kages have to ask them for permission. He would need to be as attentive and respectful as he could possibly be.

This particular gentleman, with his long hang-dog face and his expensive garb, was very fickle and indecisive. He took advice or made decisions based on whether or not he impressed by a person. When there were two competing opinions, he favored the person who had the most convincing argument at the given time. In the past, he had taken a liking for Jiraiya, wanting to choose him as the next Hokage. Later, he had also been impressed by Hatake Kakashi's reputation. But, when Danzo had stated that the teachings passed down to Kakashi were the cause of Konoha's problems... such as the invasion of Konoha... the frequent confrontations with Akatsuki... and thee desertion of Uchiha Sasuke ... and that those problems stemmed from the mistaken ideology that kindness and unity would lead to peace... the Daimyo had appointed the late Danzo as acting Hokage instead of the masked shinobi.

"Lord Daimyo," Naruto said, bowing. The curtains on the palanquin had been pulled back, and the frumpy looking dignitary was staring at him.

"Ahhh-hh-h. It is good to meet you, young man. I have heard so much about you." The Daimyo fanned himself with a bejewelled silk fan. "I have also been told about your recent situation. I don't know why I was not told about it _before_." He made a face, as if he was parked aside a particularly smelly garbage dump. "Nevertheless, it does happen to coincide with a wish of mine."

"What wish is that, lord." Naruto wondered if the leader of the Fire Nation might be the first of many people who might ask a favor of him, assuming he would take the Third choice. He would be in a tight spot ethically, if this particulary muckity-muck gave him an order that he didn't wish to carry out.

"I thought that I would ask you to remove my ex-wife's name from contention." He was of course referring to Lady Shijimi. I missed my Snuggle-Bunny, and wished to reconcile..."

"Certainly! Consider it done! Yes sir!" Naruto was elated. That would make things better, should he decide on one of the other choices. One less weight on his mind!

"But," the Daimyo continued. "I spoke to the wise and wonderful Zenza, and saw the error of my ways."

"Zenza?" Error of his ways? What was he saying? "The monk Zenza?" What had that wannabe commedian done?

"Indeed. Such a clever fellow." The Daimyo took a deep sniff from an ornate snuff bottle. "He saved me a great deal of trouble. He told me this story:

_Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.'_

_Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was a hundred miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. _

_God got mad and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'_

_The man replied 'I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.'_

"For some reason, after hearing that, I changed my mind. And I rarely do that!" The Daimyo suddenly started screaming for help when a small wasp flew into his enclosure.

"Here, Lord." Naruto kept a respectful distance from the leader, but created a clone who made fast work of the insect pest.

"Thank you. I believe that you may have saved my life, much the way that Zenza did." The Daimyo forced himself to stop shivering.

"Sir?" Naruto cocked his head.

"I realized that I did _not _want my Puddums back. She was the reason for my terrible headaches and my overactive bowel. I could have died from the horrendous bellyaches I used to suffer through." His voice suddenly sounded very stern. "A man must make a decision and stand by it!" He then vaccilated and asked, "Shouldn't he?"

"Yes," Naruto replied. "That would be my Ninja Way! It could also be you Daimyo Way!" He said that with way too much conviction for his own good.

"Yes. Right. Naturally!" The Daimyo smiled, giddy. "That's exactly what I thought. I can now say with complete confidence that I never want my Sweetie-Pie back." He paused, working something out from between his teeth with a long painted fingernail. "That is why I want you to make certain that she wins."

"Y-you... W-want... M-me... T-t-t-to..." Haruto felt as if he had fallen down one of Shikamru's pit traps, and looked up to see the lazy genius holding an exploding tag. If he were forced to follow the Lord's order, he would gladly change places with Hidan! There must be some way to change that indufferable man's mind again! "You want me to cheat, lord?"

"If necessary," the Daimyo replied. "If I ask you to do it, it can't really be against the rules, _can_ it?" He grinned smugly, nodding his head. "There will be no problem. I will use my influnce to force that moronic FanFiction writer to do as I choose."

There was a loud sizzling sound. A gigantic bolt of lightning hit the ground near the palanquin, causing all of the hired transporters' hair to stand straight up. An impossible loud roar of thunder followed. The shock-and-awe had a much more drastic effect on the cowering Daimyo. A disgusting bubbling sound signalled the total emptying of his bowels.

"I-" The Daimyo looked embarrassed for a moment, but quickly put on a face of regal disregard. Nothing had happened. No one would say a thing, just the way that no one had dared tell a fictional Emperor that he was naked. "I suppose I can be gracious. A writer writes for a reason, does he not? We should be generous to those less fortunate than ourselves. That includes the many women who may end up as your paramour. You need not select my ex-wife."

"Thank you," Naruto said too quickly. "I mean... certainly, sir... we all must make sacrifices." Shit! Had he said too much. He crossed his fingers. The Daimyo couldn't possubly change his mind again, _could_ he?

"Yes we must!" The Daimyo had meant that as a send off for Naruto, and a signal to get his men moving. At that moment, however, the carriers were still stunned, literally and figuratively. Needing to fill the void of silence, the leader said "That Zenza has such great stories, doesn't he? He spoke so much of that man, Peter." He smiled. "Peter must be a wonderful man. That makes the stories all the more wonderful, don't you agree?"

"Uhhh-hh-h... yes, Lord... wonderful." Naruto felt like a captive audience.

"But wait... wait a minute... I have heard that name Peter from someone else. Who was it? Who could it have been?" The Daimyo looked around him by force of habit. In his palace, there was always someone to answer his questions for him. It was hard, thinking for himself. "Hmmm-mm-m... how vexing... Aha!" He had remembered. He had overheard a number of monks discussing the origin of the name Peter, when he had visited the Temple to see who was being groomed as his new protectors, the job traditionally held by the Twelve Guardian Ninjas. "The man called Jesus gave the name Peter to a fisherman, Simon Bar-Jona." He nodded his head, pleased with himself. "O... and the monks said that the word 'peter' is slang for a safe, till, or cash box. And, for a prison cell. Also, a witness box in a courtroom."

"Facinating," Naruto said, feeling like a toady. No pun intended.

"But... hmmm-mm-m... I had also heard that peter may be related to the Greek word _petros_, which means stone or rock. And that may explain why- " The Daimyo went pale, remembering something else. "Peter is slang for... it is slang for... for... _penis._"

Naruto wanted to slap himself in the forehead. This was getting ridiculous. The writer. The enforcer. Aesop. All those weird dead guys. Zenza. And now the freaking Daimyo. This was more frustrating than slogging his way through a filler epidode! It was even worse than getting his heart set on a new anime, only to have the plot turn to shit half-way through it! At least he had one thing to be thankful for. Sai hadn't been with him to hear that final word.

"O my... O my..." The Daimyo called out to his carriers. They were fully awake now. He hurried on his way without saying anything more.

"I bet the stories don't seem so wonderful now, _do_ they?" Naruto muttered to himself.

At first, the yellow-haired ninja thought that he hadn't learned anything from his undexpected meeting with the Fire Nation's leader. But, that wasn't true. It had gotten him to thinking of a new angle. He had always dreamed of being Hokage. But, Daimyos had far more power than Kages. If he chose the Third choice, should he make himself a Daimyo instead of Hokage?

The young jinchiruuki looked at the ground that the palanquin had been held over. There was a brown puddle slowing sinking into the soil. Obviously, the luxury box had not been water-tight.

"**Gross!" ** The Damiyo might be treated like a god by some, but he was still a man. If Naruto remembered corrrectly, there was talk that the Fire Lord's father had suffered from a similar ailment. He thought of a sick joke. "Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans." It was time to head back to the village. He had to keep track of the time. He only had been granted only so long to come up with his final solution.

He translocated instantly again, finding himself outside of the Great Gate of Konoha. Traffic was moving normally again, and everyone called out his name when they caught sight of him. One of the voices he heard was a welcome one.

"Yo! Naruto!" It was Shikamaru. He had an IQ of 200. If there was any of his friends that might help, it was him. "It's good to see you're still in one piece." He was joking. The jounin had been briefed on everything that Naruto knew by the enforcer. "So... have you decided which choice you're going to make. If it were me, I would choose the least bothersome. A wife. A son and a daughter. Then, after the children are gone, shogi."

"I hope that's not the only answer you have!" Naruto fought to keep his cool. "I mean... you are a genius..." He told his friend about the visits he had made and about the finer details of the enforcer's actions.

"Well, one particulat subject comes to mind." Shikamaru put his hands together. "The butterfly effect."

"Does that have to do with Choji?" Naruto had a quizical look on his face. "The way he can form those big wings?" What could that have to do with any of this?

"No," Shikamaru sighed, seeming to have found things too troublesome already. "The butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, where a small change at one place can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to the creation or absence of a tornado or hurricane."

"Whaaa-aa-a-" Naruto's mouth had fallen open.

"It's really not that difficult to understand," Shikamaru grumped, folding his arms across his chest. He wished that he had a long shoot of grass to stick in his mouth. "Try it this way, instead. You put a ball at the crest of a hill. Once it starts rolling, it can move down into any of a large number of valleys, depending on slight variations in the starting postion."

"Huhhhh-hhh-hh-h-" Naruto had begun to drool ever so slightly.

"There was a reason that some people used to call you the last!" Shikamaru fought his temper. There was no reason to get upset. "Lets go back to the butterfly. Pay attention. I'll walk you through this. Say the butterfly flaps its wings. As small a thing as that might seem, it changes the atmosphere. That tiny change in the atmosphere might ultimately change the path of a tornado that already exits ever so little. Or, that tiny change in the system might delay, accelerate, or prevent the occurence of a different tornado. In other words, seemingly small changes can play a role in causing something much bigger to happen."

"Why didn't you just say that?" He cringed when he saw the look in his friend's eyes. "I bet you just made that butterfly part up." He flapped his arms. "Look out... there's a hurricane coming..."

"That-" Genius or not, Shikamaru was not going to let Naruto disregard hard science. "It's a well known example of chaos theory!" He dropped down on his knees at the side of the cobblestone road, using a discarded pice of metal to sketch in the flat dry dirt. "M is the state space for the map ft, then ft displays sensitive dependence to initial conditions if for any x in M and any δ greater than 0, there are y in M, with 0 less than d(x,y) less than δ such that d(fτ(x),fτ(y)) greater than exp(aτ)d(x,y). Math... does... _not_... lie!"

"OK... OK..." Naruto held his hands up. "Anything a little easier for someone like me?"

"Alright," Shikamru said. "There is another system at work here. The dominoe effect." He explained that the domino effect is a chain reaction that occurs when a small change causes a similar change nearby, which then will cause another similar change, and so forth and so on in linear sequence. "Except in your case, there are countless runs of dominoes set at branching angles, affected by influences that might cause the dominoes to fall off course, such as an unexpected gust of wind or random earthquake. Different decisions could cause different lines to fall, even if everything were set up perfectly. Flaws in set-up could lead to one line falling and another failing to fall, or quitting mid-run."

"I... I think I see that..." Naruto was thinking rapidly, trying to figure things out by pictures in his head, not just words.

"And I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention the concept of unintended consequences. Before you ask-" Shikamaru took a deep breath and let it out again. He spied a long grass frond tipped by a fuzzy seed cluster. He tore it free and held it between his teeth. "They are outcomes that were not originally intended by a purposeful action."

"Sounds like the story of my life," Naruto said under his breath. "Not that I am complaining or something."

"There are three types of unforseen consequences," Shikamaru said. He wasn't there to commiserate with his friend. He was there to make important points. "People speak of serendipity and windfalls. Those are positive unexpected benefits. There are detriments, too. Negative unexpected results. And, there are perverse results, that are contrary to the originally intended goal. The overall point is this: when we interefere with complex systems, there is _always_ some kind of unexpected outcome, and most of those unanticipated consequences are undesirable."

"Why?" Naruto asked.

"One has to consider the true chaotic nature of the universe. Then, you have to add in the complexity of the world itself." Shikamaru said. "Don't forget mankind's stupidity. Self-deception. Human nature. Emotions. Different ways of thinking. All sorts of biases. It's a wonder that anything goes the way that a leader plans."

"So what you're saying..." Naruto tried to focus. His emotions were tying themselves into knots again, and his brain felt as if it were on fire. "It's arrogant to think that humans fully control the world around them." He swallowed hard. "It's ridiculous to think that I can fix everything. I could easily create more sadness than happiness.. Even if I take care of the big things, fate may not do a very good job filling in the blanks." He sighed. "By trying to make some things a little better... I may make other things a whole lot worse..."

"That's the risk that you take to heart," Shikamaru said. "On the other hand, you have been given the opportunity to paint a picture with a brush that no human has ever been able to paint with before. And, if anyone is better than you at turning something bad into something good, I have yet to meet that person." He got very serious. "Being too specific may have repercusions. But, being too general may be worse. For example, if you decide to take the Third choice and say 'I want total peace and no war,' the powers that be may simply wipe all life of the face of this planet. Things like that."

Naruto was shocked at first, and then turned pouty. "Thanks a lot. Now I feel so much better!"

"You had to hear it," Shikamaru said firmly. "Just as I would like you to hear this. I don't want you to take license with my life. Some people may feel differently, but not me. Ino and Temari are good kunoichi and better friends, but I do not want to be paired with either one. They may want that, but both people in any couple should have their say. If I change my mind some day, I want to do it on my own."

"But... if I make a pairing... both people will be happy in the world I script." Naruto understood what Shikamru was saying, but felt the urge to play Devil's Advocate. "They won't know anything about choices or fictional lives. I won't remember making decisions and influencing lives."

"True," Shikamaru said. "But if that was all there was to it, you wouldn't be looking for advice now, right?" He sighed. "It was difficult watching you fight Pain all alone. This isn't any easier. I thought were grandstanding, that time. My father knew better. He trusts you in this. I will too."

"Great," Naruto said. "Your father is a very smart guy!" Naruto felt a small wellspring of confidence bubble up within.

"Yes. My old man is still the only one who can beat me at shogi." That had him rubbing his chin. "I suppose that there are a few bits of adivice that I can find in that subject, too." He made a wry face. "Even though you are one of the people I couldn't get to sit still long enough to finish a game." He stretched, yawmed, and said "The one thing that you need to keep in mind is that the children of this nation represent the King, and the King must never be left standing alone at the center. You started out as a Lance, just as I started as a knight. You have worked your way up to a Silver General, and may one day be a Golden General. The more abilities you gain, the more you will be expected to use If you cannot keep track of the numerous strategies..."

"I should find someone who can," Naruto said. "I know. That's why I'm talking to everyone I know. But even that-"

"Life is a lot like a shogi game," Shikamaru said. "So, I am told, are some romances." He made a sour face and rolled his eyes. "There is an opening. A middle game. And an endgame. In shogi, the opening is very much about setting up defenses and positioning the attack, with certain moves giving great advantages at the risk of great dangers. The middle game-" Shikamaru cringed when an eavesdropper equated that middle game to the middle regions of human anatomy. "The middle game is about breaking through defenses while maintaining your own defense. The end game-" Someone else made another quip about human anatomy. Shikamaru used his shadow binding talents to close those peoples lips and keep them shut. "The end game starts when one side's defenses are compromised."

"I see," Naruto said. "I think." He knew that there had to be more.

"You do not want to overreach in your choices," Shoji cautioned sternly. "There are always players better than you. There are numerous strategies for each phase of the game. For example, many common opening attacks involve advancing a silver, and ideally a pawn, along a file protected by the rook. This is the called the Climbing Silver attack. Because silvers have more possibilities for retreat... while golds better defend their sides... silvers are generally considered superior as attacking pieces, and golds superior as defensive pieces. It is common practice to defend the king with three generals, two golds and a silver.

"That-" Naruto looked lost.

"I'm getting too far ahead. Then again, maybe not. If this conversation confuses you..." He didn't need to finish the thought. "Don't think further ahead than you are comfortable. Don't make moves when you do not fully understand the consequences. Don't simply act on the first thing that comes to mind. A good player will understand the flow of the match. And remember-" He folded his arms across his chest and spat out his grass shoot. "After a shogi match, you can simply clear the board and play again. The pieces are not alive. They do not have hopes and dreams. None of them have families and friends."

"I know," Naruto said. "And I care. That's the hardest part." He sighed for the thosandth time that day. "It's difficult decision. Should I be a piece in the game? Or, should I be the one moving the pieces? Which would be the best for everyone?"

"I guess you have to figure out if you are mostly playing against fate-" Shikamaru held eye contact. "Or, are you mostly playing against yourself? Those are your biggest two opponents, not the enemies that will appear now and then." He thought a moment and then added "I should also make one final point. Shogi, like life, is more complex than chess and similar games. One reason for that are drops." He explained that term, stating that captured pieces truly _are _captured in shogi. They are retained in hand, and can be brought back into play under the capturing player's control. On any turn, instead of moving a piece on the board, a player may take a piece that had been previously captured and place it, unpromoted side up, on any empty square, facing the opposing side. The piece is now part of the forces controlled by _that _player. "That is termed 'dropping the piece'... or if simplified...'a drop'."

"So-" Naruto didn't follow the logic yet.

"Mistakes in life can be like drops. They can be used against you, by enemies or fate, immediately or sometime else in the game." He augmented that concept by saying. "You will have the opportunity to use other people's mistakes to your benefit, as well. But... in life and in the game... there will be times when an opponent's drop may benefit you, or benefit both of you in some way, if you are clever enough to see. Let's look at things from another angle, too. You can hold lessons learned in hand, waiting to play them later when the right opportunity arises. For that reason, don't script too much. You won't learn as much, and you will have less experience in choosing the right strategy when a threatening move occurs."

"I get it!" Naruto nodded his head enthusiatically.

"Great," Shikamaru said. He could talk about shogi forever, but figured he had given his friend enough to digest. "Good luck, man. With whichever choice you take." He shook Naruto's hand. After starting to walk away, he stopped. "Promise me you won't rename this nation the Land of Ramen, or something like that." He then raised his hand in farewell and headed off towards home.

Naruto felt a little better. Some of the myriad loose thoughts inside of his head began to crystalize into something more solid and managable. He felt his stomach complain. Maybe he should grab a quick meal. As fate would have it, he didn't have to chase down a snack. A snack found him.

"Hello, Naruto." It was Choji. The big-boned boy had a large sack of munchables. "I saw that you were talking with Shika. I didn't want to interrupt. He's smarter than me, and you must have a lot of things to think about."

"Yes," Naruto replied. "But... sometimes his answers and explanations seemed better for someone smarter than me." He squinted, trying to read the lettering on the open snack bag that his friend was pulling food out of. "I'm happy to get advice from any of my friends. Everybody is smart in their own way." He took a step closer. "Choji!" He pointed at the bag. "Crunchy frog!"

"Huh?" Crumbs feel from Choji's mouth. "O! The snack. Why-" His eyes widened. Frogs. Naruto's realtionship with the frogs. No, toads really. The toads of Myoboku mountain. "No. It's not really made of frogs. Just like turtles aren't really made out of turtles." He held up another pack, one that held candies made from chocolate, caramel, and toasted pecans.

"O. Sorry. I'm a bit touchy these days." Naruto felt a bit foolish.

"Touchy. I get it." It was Choji's turn to feel a bit sheepish, when he realized that Naruto wasn't making a pun. "My bad. It's a shame that you can't skip this, the way that we used to skip class." He, Naruto, Kiba, and Shikamaru had been the 'Dead Lasts' at the Academy. They had been held back, having missed so many classes, hiding from Iruka. "But... even if you could... you wouldn't run from your trouble. That's not-"

"My Ninja Way," Naruto said. "In all honesty, I _have_ been tempted to run from all this, just as I have been tempted to... uhhh... well..."

"Every red-blooded boy's dream," Choji commiserated. "A nightmare for anyone who truly cares." He sighed. "I'm glad it's not me. Well...most of the time. But... sometimes... you know..."

"Uh huh." Naruto nodded his head. When Choji held out the carry bag, the yellow-haired ninja chose a bag of licorice snakes. Then, the thought of snakes making him think of Sasuke, he tossed the snacks in a trash can when Choji wasn't looking. "I keep getting pulled this way and that. I feel like a twisted piece of taffy." He took a pack of Gummie slugs instead. After he described his choices, he asked "Is there something that you would like me to do for you?" He didn't mention Ino's name. He didn't have to. He grinned. "I can make you a different set of colored pills. Instead of turning fat in to chakra, they would turn fat into sex appeal." I

"What-" Snot shot out of Choji's nostrils. "No. That wouldn't be right. It-" Even though he knew that Naruto had been joking, that jest had hit too close to home. The rotund shinobi had daydreamed on numerous occasions, imagining himself as sophisticated, if not svelte, with a girl on both arms and one hugging his leg. It was an image that belonged on the front cover of a cheesy romance novel. "I will find a woman who cares about me the way I am."

"Good for you!" Naruto slapped Choji on the back. "When it comes down to it, you might be the best of all of us. I think Asuma saw that. I bet you Shikamaru would agree, too." His smile cracked and fell into a frown. "You're lucky... you know that... the girl who will like you will like you for you..." That sounded a bit sappy and maudlin. He also didn't want to try and say it three times fast. "For me... at first... I thought that no one would _ever_ care about me." Memories of his childhood persecution had him feeling cold inside. "Now... with everyone saying how great I am... I can't help but wonder how many women might like me just because-"

"I never thought of it that way," Choji said. "But, I don't think you need to write yourself a good girlfriend. I don't think you have to write anyone a girlfriend." He tugged at one ear. "Except Gai." He didn't sound like he was joking. "But... if you want to do that... I won't think any less of you. Not if it's a girl who probably would have cared about you on her own." He added "Please don't do that for me. Unless-" He fought down the urge to say anything else.

"Okay," Naruto said. They ate more snacks and discussed Naruto's fate. When Choji had to take his leave, Naruto gathered up the leftover garbage and headed for a trash receptacle. Coincidence being what it was, he ran into the final youthful member of Team Ten.

"Ouch!" Ino was carrying a large wrapped vase of cut flowers, a delivery order for a customer. "O... it's _you_, Naruto," she said without thinking. Her normal voice froze and snapped off. "Naruto!" When the full impact of her own trials and tribulations hit her, she felt a great deal less than friendly. She knew that things were not her friend's fault, but she couldn't help herself. "I hope you're not acting big because of all this!" She still saw him as the boastful boy he once was, just the way she had when his first Rasenshuriken against Kakazu had fizzled out. Force of habit. "Did you eat all that yourself-" She noted the armful of trash. "Wait... the only person who eats deep-fried dung beetles... is Choji!"

"Yes. He-' Naruto was cut off.

"He _didn't!"_ Ino's eyes clouded over, as if a serious storm was brewing. "You better _not _have!" She had heard about Naruto's choices in full. The enforcer was the one who had ordered the flowers. Momiji and Suzuki were hitting on him hard, and he was all too eager to given in. "Don't think that I won't do a mind-body switch on you when it's time for you to give your final answer!"

"Ino..." Naruto said while he could. "What in Konoha's name are you talking about."

"Did Choji ask you to pair me up with him?" Ino looked truly concerned. They were all friends, but boys stuck together, didn't they? "You didn't agree!"

"He didn't ask." Naruto saw a chance to put in a good word for his friend. "In fact, he made certain to ask me _not_ to set him up with anyone. You know what kind of guy he is."

"Yes." Ino felt a twinge of guilt. She also felt a strong jolt of curiosity. Curiosity and a sizeable dollop of trepidation. She was standing on the diagrams that Shikamaru had sketched earlier, but hadn't wiped them all away. "You were talking with Shikamaru, too." She couldn't keep eye contact. "Did he... you know... mention me..." Her hands twitched. "Or Temari."

"No," Naruto said, telling a little white lie. Still a bit miffed at the way she had assumed the worse, he said "But he did come out of the closet. Since no one will remember anything we say now, he was able to get things off of his chest." He paused for impact. "He's gay." That ought to hit home.

"..." Ino couldn't even retort. "..." It didn't take long to figure out that he was pulling her leg. Instead of being angry, it actually made her see just how silly she had been. "Shikamaru's not gay. If he fell in love with someone with big muscles, an oversized butt, and the intelligence of an earthworm, it wouldn't be a guy..." It was her turn to get a jab in. "It would be Sakura. And we all know _that _won't happen."

"Sakura-" Naruto's face fell. That was a subject that he had been putting off for now. It might very well be lynch pin in the whole decision-making process.

"Hey...I..." Ino didn't know what to say. Like everyone else, she was uncertain whether or not Sakura's confession had been truth or ruse, or if Naruto still held out hope for some kind of Hallmark Moment with his pink-haired teammate.

"It's alright," Naruto said. He went on to mention how confused he was about women in general. The popularity issue. The 'sleep with the winner' thing. Writing in a love interest or leaving things up to fate.

"In a way, I'm happy to talk about this with you," Ino admitted. "I can tell that you've been comepletely honest with me. You truly _do _have a great heart. You really will make a wonderful Hokage some day." She debated with herself for a moment. Handing the flowers to Naruto, she opened a pouch at her hip. There was a small book inside, one that most men had no idea existed. "This book was written by Shizune. But don't tell anyone that!" The small publication, the _Gotcha_ _Gotcha Ikemen_, was the polar opposite of the _Icha Icha Paradise_ series that the Frog Hermit had authored. She made it a point to stress that fact. Girls were _not _pervs!

"Ninja Way," Naruto said in shorthand. He held out one little finger, shaking it when Ino gave him a blank stare. Catching on, she pinkie swore with him, fighting back a comment about childish behavior.

"No matter who you might... you know..." Ino felt weak in the knees. She fought the urge to beg Naruto to choose a girl, or to replace her name with a blank if he was going to spin randomly. "Or... whomever you might feel inclined to pair yourself up with..." She held up the opene book, showed the pages to Naruto, and then began to sum up certain passages.

"Many people confuse love and sex!" Ino didn't sound the least bit embarrassed. She felt very strongly about relationships, and was often rather perturbed by the way that men treated women and vice versa. "They are confused about commitment too, thinking that all three somehow go hand in hand!"

"I-" Naruto couldn't get a word in.

"There are many ways to show love," Ino continued. She was queen here. She had read the book. "Just because someone loves you, they don't have to prove it to you by having sex!" She was speaking in general terms, and felt a kinship with all of the women who had been chosen for the Wheel. But, one person's plight in particular had touched her heart. Hinata. The girl truly cared for Naruto. The last thing she wanted was for her friend to end up with a broken heart. "Are you listening, Naruto? You haven't said a word. It's not going in one ear and out another again, _is_ it?"

"No, I-" The orange-clad ninja doubled his words that time.

"Also, having sex with someone doesn't mean you are in love with them, or that you somehow should fall in love with them. We'll talk about infatuation, later!" Ino had preached her message to the other girls who couldn't bring themselves to read _Gotcha Gotcha. _ She felt like she was in a pulpit, surrounded by a heavenly chorus. " A Sexual relationship will work best when both people are clear about what they want. If you don't tell your partner what you want, you might find you that the two of you expect different things. One of you might be looking for a quick fling, and the other might be wanting to tie the knot!"

"But, if it-" Three, that time. Naruto could see the wisdom in Ino's words. But, wasn't she putting the cart before the horse? If it was a one-time Wheel-ordained union, then her words were overkill! Then again, if he could get past certain moral and ethical sticking points, he might end up choosing a girl to be his soul mate. If he made that choice, then Ino's points might make an impact. No, even if he let things happen on their own, her speech might have merit. He wished that he could remember anything good that she might say.

"You will." A small voice came from Naruto's shoulder. At first he thought there was a fly there. He was about to swat it. Wait. A talking fly? No! It was the enforcer, shrunken down to fly-size. "Consider it a gift." The enforcer flew off. Naruto listened more attentively.

"I hope you're not just standing there watching clouds like Shikamaru," Ino said. "This is serious business. It's not just something troublesome!" She shook her finger, stopping when she realized what she was doing. "Having sex in a committed relationship can make people feel closer to one another. It can make them feel more loving and caring. Having sex in a noncommittal relationship can also be whole lot of of fun and can make people feel like better friends. But never forget this! Whether you have a one night stand or a life-long marriage, it is very important that you like... " She poked him in the chest. "Respect..." She poked harder. "...And trust your partner..." She poked harder still. Naruto pictured himself becoming a collander. " But it's a two-way street. You you should feel liked, respected and trusted by her, as well."

A crowd of women of all ages, all social statuses, and all manner of clothing and hairstyles had slowly been gathering around Naruto. Those with significant others didn't notice when the men quickly slid away, looking for a beer, a conversation about sports, or even a root canal. But, that wasn't the case with everyone there. In some pairings, the women hurried off and the men stood transfixed.

"When you enter into a relationship," Ino continued. She was too caught up in things to see that some of the women were following along in their own copies of the book, the way that parrisioners follow along in their bible when the preacher is giving his sermon. "Make sure that the two of you talk about the way you want things to be. Committed or not committed. Friendly or romantic. Sexual or non-sexual. Monogamous or not monogamous." She went on to explain the different types of relationship choices, before getting more specific. Naruto heard about Life-time Mutual Monogamy, Mutual Serial Monogamy, Mutual Fidelity, and sexually non-monogamous relationships to the point that his head was spinning.

"You sure know a lot about sex and love," Naruto blurted out. "You must have-" Oops! He wasn't going to follow that thought through. Don't ask don't tell! Well, for him at least, there was nothing to tell.

"I-" Ino turned crimson. "It's-" She felt her thoat getting thick and her chest feeling heavy. "You see-" Part of her wanted to say that she didn't have any first hand experience either. That was a hurtful thing for her to admit, seeeing how a kunoichi's life often differed from that of the average teenaged citizen girl. Training and missions took up so much time and energy. Romance alwys stood at the end of the line. That was one of the reasons that she was worried about Naruto and any girl he might choose. Cutting in line emotionally could have tragic results for shinobi.

"There's a few more things-" Ino was aware of the the crowd now. She almost felt like a big sham, talking about things that she had only read about. But, she trusted Shizune's insight. She believed in the book. "Mutual chemistry is the glue that holds a couple together. You can't force something like that. Don't forget it! And when it _is_ there, it can turn into rage and hostility if one of the partners doesn't honor the appropiate values. You know... honesty... trust... fidelity..."

"**WE KNOW."**

The women in the gathering spoke up all at once. That had Naruto feeling even more uncomforatble than Ino was. This wasn't a guy versus gal thing. Quite the opposite. But somehow, he almost felt as if he were under a microscope or on trial.

"Where was I?" Ino ran a hand through her hair and then turned some pages. "Ok. Right. Equality." She turned and gave the women a purposeful glare. This was _her_ talk. "Both partners have to carry their weight in a relationship. And Purpose. Each of the partners needs to find out what their purpose is. When they share that purpose with their parner, it makes the realtionship authentic."

"**HALLELULIA."**

Ino fought the urge to shout, herself. This was serious business. Even if the women believed in her talk, that kind of response made things seem cheap and silly, like something in a cliché TV sitcom. "You need to have strong self-worth. Your partner, too. If you can't care about yourself-"

"You can't really care about others," Naruto said. He blinked repeatedly when an elderly woman said 'He's such a good boy!' He felt like cursing when her equally aged spouse said 'For a few hours more.' Everyone seemed so eager to boo or cheer the things that he had to live through. But, that was the price of being a celebrity.

"Right!" Ino said cheerfully. "Problems in a relationship often get caused by some kind of old emotional wound, or by something that halted someone's emotional growth. Someone with strong self-respect will beaware of that kind of thing. It also means being honest about the issue, talking things out, and looking for help if necessary. And listening!"

"**I am!"** Naruto answered a bit more severely than he had intended.

"No," Ino said. "I wasn't challenging you. What I was saying was that listening to your partner is essential. It won't alsways be easy. Not just the concentration part. Listening is more than just hearing words and paying attention. You have to hear what the other person is trying to tell you in her context. You have to hear what she is saying deep inside. And, you have to be able to listen to your own inner voice."

"Like the Inner Sakura that Granny Tsunade mentioned-" Naruto still hadn't gotten around to having his teammate explain that.

"No! Of course not! Nothing like that at all!" Ino fought to regain her composure. "There should be a part of you that tells you when something doesn't sound or feel right. You have to listen to that, too. O. I'm a fine one to talk about being observant. Here. Let me takes those from me." She retrieved the flowers. "Make sure you act like the newer Naruto, and not the older Naruto!" She said her farewell and hurried off to complete the delivery.

"It's not like I'm going to fart during... you know..." Naruto tried not to picture that! "And I won't screw up my decision the way I used to mess up the _Henge No Jutsu_ at the Academy." He froze, a thought coming to his mind. What if he simply let things stand as they were, and ask Anko to transform into the appearance of Sakura? No. Definitely not! She'd probably take offense at that and transform him into a castrato. What if he chose Sakura and took Sasuke's form? He had done that when he tried to steal a kiss. But that had been about tricking her into giving him what _he_ wanted, not giving her something that she might want better. He had to stop idiotic thoughts like that. There was no sense in trying to dress up a pig, so to speak. "Shit. Wrong choice of sayings. Pig." He would never forget the way he had felt when Ton Ton's name had stopped at the pointer.

The coincidence machine was cranked up to full power again. ** "Buhui!"** Ton Ton had been trotting along the street, carrying a small medicinal package for a patient of Tsunade's.

"**You!" **Naruto pointed at the peripatetic porker.

"Buhui! Bu- Bu- Buhu- Buhu- Buhui! Buhui!" The pig was emphatic. Naruto couldn't speak pig, but had a good idea of what must be bothering the animal.

"It wasn't my idea!" Naruto made a face. "That's not my thing!" He couldn't belive that he was explaining himself to a pig. "It's... not... My... Ninja... Way!" He sounded entirely sincere, and that had the Ton Ton relaxing.

"Bu- Bu- Buhui! Buhui Buhui! Bu!" Ton Ton stomped one piggy-foot on the ground sharply.

"Uh... what... sure!" Naruto asked himself what he might be saying, if he were the pig. He guessed correctly. "Your name won't be on the Wheel again. Believe it!"

"Well, what do we have here?" That voice had Ton Ton quivering. She wanted to run, but felt glued to the street. It took Naruto a few moments longer to identify the speaker. "It's the happy couple." That joke was ironic. The kunoichi speaking was Anko. "I figured that the two of you would be off makin' bacon."

"Buhui!" When she regained voluntary movement, Ton Ton took off like a shot.

"That was a dirty trick!" Naruto was still perturbed about the jounin's switcheroo. "If that paper hadn't pulled free... I... I might have... I might have had to..." He put his hands on his hips and glowered.

"It wasn't my idea," Anko replied. "But I wish it_ had_ been. It shocked everyone. A ninja thrives on misdirection." She took out a kunai and spun it around her finger. That certainly got Naruto's attention. "And... if it had worked... I would have gotten off easy... without _having_ to get off!"

"I guess you're right about that part. You were just being used by the writer, too." Naruto looked up at the sky and frowned. Was he expressing his feelings on his own, or was someone typing on a keyboard somewhere. "And... well... if I..." He felt his throat go tight.

"That's what I'd like to talk about," Anko said, her eyes intense. "I figure it makes more sense to express my feelings than to-" She flashed the blade a hair's breadth from Naruto's crotch. "If I neuter you, the damn author will probably put you back together before I can lick the blade." She tapped the kunai against Naruto's cheek, in the same site that sported a barely visible scar. "What fun would there be in _that?"_

"So talk," Naruto said, sounding bolder than he felt.

"If you were to keep me as your lover, I can guarantee that I will hold you responsible." Anko made a quick slashing movement with the weapon. "I naturally won't remember any of the set-up. But... you will have touched my body... against my will..." The look in her eyes was chilling. "There will be no one to put you back together, then." She put the kunai away.

"I-" Naruto coughed. He felt a bit safer now. Just a bit. "It would be-" he was about to say that things would be against his will, too. But, that argument wouldn't matter. Instead, he told her about the five major choices that he had been given, and reassured her that he wouldn't be taking choice number one, and wouldn't hook up with her if he chose number three or number five.

"So...I'm not good enough for you?" This time, Anko pulled out three kunai. She smiled when Naruto jumped, and returned the weapons to her pouch. In their place she took out a large colorful card. "Well... I'm glad that we see things eye to eye. But... you know..." She made a big show of looking he other ninja up and down. "If we happen to fall into each other's arms on our own someday..."

"..." Naruto was speechless. He pictured himself with Anko, naked, their arms entwined. He couldn't help himself. If she could read his mind! Or, if she simply guessed correctly-

"Thinking about me naked?" Anko's eyes gleamed. She had a wicked sense of humor. The jounin thought about threatening him again, but had used that method enough for this encounter. She reached into her bag again and took out a second card. She turned it so that Naruto could see the picture of a naked man and a naked woman standing facing one another, an angel or a goddess above and between them. The word 'THE LOVERS' was painted on the card.

"Maybe I should give you _this_ card, instead. I've taken a liking to Tarot reading. This card represents relationships and choices." Anko put the card away, but continued to speak about it as ran her fingers along the edge of the other card. She used a kunia to make a hole in that card, and began stringing a long leather cord through that opening.

"The appearance of _The Lovers_ in a spread of cards indicates a decision about an existing relationship, a temptation of the heart, or a choice of potential partners." Anko said. "Often... some aspect of the Querent's life will have to be sacrificed." She smiled. "I like sacrifice." She chuckled and explained the unusual word for Naruto. "Querent means 'one who seeks'. It refers to a person who questions an oracle, a fortune teller, or someone who practices another type of divinatory technique."

"O." Naruto had nothing to say. It was intriguing, getting a glimpse at Anko's hobby, if only a tiny bit of it. She was a mystery to so many people. Then again, some people thought it was intruguing to stare at a weaving cobra!

"As I was saying," Anko said. "A bachelor's lifestyle may be sacrificed when he enters a committed relationship. It's something to think about. Whatever choice you make, don't be stupid and make it lightly. The ramifications will be far reaching and long lasting." She decided that it might be fun to see Naruto develop a classic anime sweat drop. "Everything has a cost. Including the things that are associated with _The Lovers_. A love realtionship." She siddled a step closer. "Union." Another step. "Passion." Another step. Her voice came out in a sibilant hiss. "S-S-Sexualityyyy-yyy-yy-y." Another step. She narrowed her eyes. No sweat drop yet. "Pleasure." She cracked that word like she was cracking a whip. "Desire." She licked her lips and took another step. Naruto was unmoving, like a toad frozen by a viper's stare. "Phys-i-cal... At-trac-tion." Her body was practically touching the boy. He could feel her breath on him.

"Gurk!" That involuntary exclamation had a physical prompt. Naruto felt the blood stirring in his loins. But it wasn't his fault! Even though he was scared of Anko, she was still an attractive woman. He had to fight to keep looking straight ahead. There was a devilish urge to look down at her cleavage.

Anko grinned. She certainly didn't mind having a streak of evil. "Here," she changed tack and handed Naruto the tarot card. Ishe had made it into a necklace. "Put it on." The picture on this card was different. There was a stylized orange wheel with eight spokes, crested by a Sphinx-like human with a blindfold. In the four corners there were pictures of Apocalyptic Beasts, the cherubs of the four elements. "That card is 'THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE'." She nodded towards the Great Wheel. "I don't believe in coincidences."

"Not when we are somebody's characters," Naruto grumped.

"Did you ever think that your nature and your character might influence the writer?" Anko said. "And did you ever consider that an author can only write so much... or, is only interested in highlighting select bits of action, drama, romance, humor, and such?" She looked fierce for a moment. "When I was influenced by Orochimaru, I could have just left things like that, assuming that life had already written me off. Or... when the wheel stopped on my name... I could have spirited you away then and there."

"You're right!" Naruto smacked a fist into the other palm. He blinked rapidly. "About the partial freedom thing."

"If you like," Anko said with a sultry voice. "We could hit the bushes over there. A little lagnape. It wouldn't count towards your choices." She laughed when Naruto turned red in the face. Innocents were so easy to tease and torment. "Seriously. This card. It signals a pivotal point in your life. New options become available. But it's a personal card. You have to take steps on an unfamiliar path. You have to accept the facts that there are always ups and downs. Life goes in cycles."

"That's what the wheel means," Naruto mused. "When times are good, we can't take anything for granted, because things can change. But, it also means that we shouldn't get too discouraged when things get bad." He nodded his head. He was living proof. "When things seem their worst, that only means that they will get better."

"There's something else important to understand. The Wheel tells us something else. You shouldn't simply stand still and accept whatever life hands you." Anko said. "You can take an active hand and try to remain on the upside of the Wheel."

Naruto pictured himself as a cartoonish character, trying to run on top ofa rolling wheel. Hah! That was exactly how he felt at times.

"When things are down, work towards improving your situation, speeding up the recovery process." Anko ran her hand over the tarot card. "Face and conquer any adversity that comes your way. It's about luck _and_ skill. You need opportunity _and_ good preparation." She straightend Naruto's collar.

"I see-" Naruto tried to tie that talk into things that he had already seen and heard, both in his life and from the words that the resurrected famous people had told him. After that, he said "But... why the part about... you know..."

"Maybe the writer's a pervert," Anko said. "Like Jiraiya." She grinned when Naruto balled up his fists. "Maybe he's writing to amuse the readers." She saw another opening. "Maybe he's tired of waiting for you to do things on your own in the the canon story." She shrugged. "I would suggest that he is doing it to show you that the biggest change coming your way someday won't be putting on that dreadful hat. It will probably be something much more personal." She pointed to a couple who were acting far too affectionate for her taste. "In a way, you might consider it all to be a gift of sorts."

"That-" Naruto had sometimes wondered if he was immature or different. Or, if because jinchiruukis have a Bijuu as a partner, was there little room for a romantic friend or lover? But, he often consoled himself that most of his friends had been too busy being shinobi to have boyfriends and girlfriends. "A gift, huh."

"The Wheel of Fortune card can predict great promise in love affairs. Chance encounters can turn into romance. True love may be on its way," Anko stated matter-of-factly. "A relationship that was only friendship before, may turn into something deeper that won't ever go back to simple friendship, even after it's over and done with. Or, something you might have been hoping for may fade away, replaced by something that you hadn't given much thought to. You can leave it up to fate. Or, with the chance you have been given, you can give fate a good shove in the right drection or a huge kick in the ass!" She didn't chuckle. Instead she caught Naruto's glance and pinned him in place. "The Wheel means a big change is coming. There is no doubt about it. You can spin... step back... and be an observer. Or, you can take a role in scripting things, making certain that the big change is a good change."

"But if I make a stupid decision-" Naruto couldn't shake the fear that he would screw things up royaly, causing something terrible to happen that wouldn't have happened on its own.

"Don't," Anko said. "But, even if you make a choice and it turns out wrong, things will probably turn out better than if someone with ill will for the village is given the choice that you turned down."

"What do you mean?" Naruto suddenly felt affronted. "The manga is named after me. The writer wouldn't give this same deal to someone else, _would_ he?"

"Who can say," Anko replied. "What if the author is putting his hopes in you and you disappoint him? What if he gives the choice to Kabuto instead?" She frowned. That _could _happen. "The original story teller kept coming up with huge obstacles for you to overcome. Invasions. A friend gone bad. Important figures dying. Another Shinobi War."

"Better safe than sorry," Naruto mumbled. When he saw that Anko had turned, preapring to leave, he said. "Thanks. You know... I really didn't expect that you would be such a big help..."

"Things aren't always what they seem." Anko couldn't help herself. A leopard can't change her spots. "But, sometimes they _are!"_ She wrapped her arms around him and began rubbing her body against his. The way she moved, the starled boy thought that she must have eight arms. "Yes... _yes._.. _YES!"_ She saw how everyone stopped to look at the two of them. Perfect. Embarrassing the boy this way wasn't exactly cruel, but it was a great way to indulge her evil tooth. Most people had a sweet tooth. Not her. "Take me now, subcreature." Those words were put into her mouth without her knowledge. She hadn't seen the movie that they were plucked from.

"**DYYYY-YYY-YY-YNAMIC RESCUUUU-UUU-UU-UE."**

Might Guy came flying onto the scene, snapping off a rather catchy kick. He landed in a cloud of dust, spun to an immaculate Nice Guy pose, and smiled, thumb up. His teeth pinged.

"Unhand that boy, demon!" Guy's flare for the dramatic was as constant as death and taxes. "The youth of this village should be pure and incorrupt!" That had Anko rolling her eyes.

Naruto couldn't help himself. Although he knew better, he couldn't help but feel moved by the jounin's speech.

"Has this woman tried to lead you astray?" Guy turned to speak to Naruto. "I will offer you my guidance. In that way, no matter what you might choose, the village will be a great garden of victory and vitality."

"Thanks!" Naruto said. But, there was true doubt behind his enthusiasm. Guy meant well. And there was no doubt that he had worked wonders with Lee. But, what did all of the noise and grandstanding _really_ accomplish? "I think-"

"Shit!" Anko looked like someone who had been offered pickled pigs feet one time too many. "I need an aspirin." A number of women in the crowd reached into their purses and pulled out a bottle. They took a pill themselves, before offering one to the jounin.

"You can be a big man like me!" Guy pinged again, proud. "Big men are born to do big things in a big way! Big choices are the life's blood of big men. Life is too short to be little. A man is never so manly as when he feels deeply, acts boldly, and expresses himself with frankness and fervor!"

"I apologize for anything I may have said incorrectly," Anko said, shocking everyone in attendence. Guy's look softened, and he told her that it took a gracious person to admit her shortcomings. He wasn't wise enough to see past the platitudes. "I cannot help but be swayed by your manly manners. If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant-" The sly snake struck. "I bet you would you help your uncle jack off the elephant."

"Of course! Of course!" Guy smiled proudly. He would help anyone in need.

"Duh!" Naruto put a hand over his eyes. Guy had stepped in a figurative pile of elephant dung without hearing the squish. He couldn't bring himself to explain the play on words to the prideful ninja. But, someone in the crowd did. Guy's eyes bulged like a comic strip character.

"And... I agree..." Anko struck again while her prey was weakened. "Life is too short to be little. But you manage to get by, just the same." She hooked a thumb into her belt and smiled a triumphant smile. "I remember the shock I felt, the time I happened upon you bathing in a waterfall." He had been naked at the time, of course. "With all that water... the poor thing _still_ didn't grow!"

"Good gravy girl," one man exclaimed. "That's not the kind of thing you say to a naked man!"

"That's right," a woman called out. "I would simply have giggled and pointed."

"I would have said 'Wow, but you have such big feet'." Another woman basked in the laughter that followed her quip.

"Not me," another woman claimed, swiftly getting on the bandwagon. "I would have said 'I guess that makes me the early bird'." The cackling that followed had Guy looking like he had been struck by a shovel to the back of his head.

The jokes flew about like birds. "Does it come with an air pump?" "Awww... it's hiding..." "How cute, you have two belly buttons." "I've smoked cigarettes fatter than that."

Naruto began to feel sorry for Guy. He didn't know if he should speak up and come to his rescue. As it turned out, he didn't have a chance. There was someone else who wanted to offer advice.

He disappeared, thanks to a reverse summons.


	11. Toads, Taoism, Tsunade

Naruto crounched down and put his elbows on his knees.

The translocation had been a rough one. He was very glad that he hadn't stopped by his favorite ramen for lunch. His stomach felt as if it were doing a full round of calesthenics

Looking up slowly, he saw the familiar surroundings of Mount Myoboku. Large hills. Massive plants. A warm and moist afternoon haze. No doubt a familiar amphibian face or two would hopping in to say hello and escort him to the person who summoned him here.

Sure enough, Gamakichi arrived, landing with an earth-shattering 'thud.' He had grown a great deal more. "Yo!" The huge voice echoed. "Naruto bro! How goes it!"

There was a second thud. Another one of Gamabunta's sons had noticed Naruto's presence. "Naruto! Did you bring snacks." That was Gamatatsu, of course. "Munchies rule!"

"Not as much as girls, _right_ Naruto?" Gamakichi wore a big lopsided smile. "Are you here to get the birds and the bees talk?" The large toad chuckled. It sounded like a diesel truck idling. "Be careful. After _I _heard that talk, I dated a wood pecker for a whole year!" He laughed at his joke. "Get it. A woodpecker is a bird. Birds and bees." He frowned. "Geez."

"Birds and bees?'' Gamatatsu hunkered down to be closer to face level with Naruto. He knew his brother would skirt any question he asked. "What do birds and bees have to do with girls?"

"Uh-" Naruto scratched his head. There was no way he was going to repeat the lecture that the shinobi had been given in Health class. Especially since it had been far more frank than the old adage about avians and apians.

"Birds do it... bees do it..." Gamakichi said. "Even educated fleas do it." He turned a large eye towards Naruto. "And soon even _he _will do it!"

"It?" Gamatatsu was hopping in place. He had as much of an issue with curiosity as he did with hunger. "What is_ it?"_ He looked from Naruto to his brother and back again. _"Who's_ going to do it?"

"That-" Naruto felt like creating a large group of clones and having them kick Gamakichi's big toad butt!

**WHOMPPPPPP-PPPPP-PPPP-PPP-PP-P**

A number of small trees were splintered when an enormous form hit the ground. Huge nut and fruit clusters fell, raining down on Naruto's head. Gamatatsu's tongue flashed out again and again, catching anything edible he could reach.

"**YOU SHOULD NOT TALK GOOD OR BAD ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T CONCERN YOU!"**

Gamabunta's voice boomed an old gangster quote. He hadn't caught the words, but recognized the look on the face of his elder son.

"I know nothing, I didn't see anything, I wasn't here," Gamakichi replied quickly, returning like for like in mobster-speak." "And if I was here, I was asleep." He turned to his friend. "_Right_, Naruto."

"**YOUNG TURK!" **

Gamabunta loved his children. But, he was not one to take lip from anyone, not even in jest.

"You shouldn't call Naruto that, Pop. He's going to be a made man." Gamakichi had somehow gotten a VCR player and a number of American and Sicilian mafia movies from the real world. If he had to hear his father spout gang-like sayings in Hiroshima dialect, he might as well find something fun to watch in a similar spirit. A made man, also known as a wiseguy, goodfella, man of honor, or Mafioso, is someone who has been officially inducted into the Sicilian or American Mafia. "He's going to be _making it _real soon!" He knew that would piss his old man off something fierce.

"**ONE FATHER IS ENOUGH TO GOVERN ONE HUNDRED SONS!" **

Gamabunta's claim sent startled animals running off in all directions. Naruto fought the urge to look up and see if thunderclouds had gathered.

"**BUT A HUNDRED SONS CANNOT GOVERN ONE FATHER!"**

Naruto was a born peacemaker. He held both hands up and spoke to the Chief of the Toads. "Hey! Oyabun! Remember, Gamakichi is a real smart aleck, but he's a good kid." He didn't think that Gamabunta would do anything to his son, but wanted to play things safe. He remembered a saying he had heard, but couldn't place the source. "By the time a man realizes that his father is right, he usually has a son of his own."

There was a long heavy pause, before anyone spoke again. When the Chief Toad spoke, there was a hint of humor in his voice, and a sense of great affection and respect for the yellow-haired shinobi.

"**HO HO HOOOO-OOO-OO-O. THAT IS VERY TRUE INDEED. SO IT WAS FOR ME, AND SO IT WILL BE FOR MINE." **

The great toad took out a pipe, packed it with leaf, and lit it. He blew a smoke ring big enough to drive an eighteen-wheeler through.

"**NARUTO, YOU HAVE GROWN SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE A LITTLE SNOT DANCING ON MY HEAD." **

He referred back to the first time the boy had called him forth.

A sense of peace filled the small valley. Animals began creeping back towards their nests and hidey-holes. But, the storm hadn't blown past. They were merely standing in the eye.

"Hey! Dad!" Gamatatsu tugged at his father's legs. "Are you going to tell me about birds and bees, too? What is it? I want to know what it is! Who does it! How do you make it!"

"**NANI? _NAAA-AA-ANI! _ IS THIS WHAT YOU BRATS HAVE BEEN BABBLING ABOUT?"**

Gamabunta's cheeks expanded. He fired out a huge ball of compressed air. The massive missile tore through trees like a bowling ball busting through ten-pins. Gamakichi and Gamabunta went tumbling. The blast had been strategically placed to skirt Naruto, causing his hair to move but nothing else.

Trusting that his sons were none the worse for wear, the Chief of the Myoboku Toads informed Naruto that Fukasaku and Shima wanted to speak with him. The Great Toad Sage had told them that he had been gifted with another Prophecy. After Naruto lept upn his head, he took a giant leap and sprung towards their destination.

Just as they landed, another Toad walked into the clearing. It was Gamariki, who looked to be the amphibian equivalent of a drag queen. The light green Toad with purple eyes and violet skin patterns wore a large bow on his back and sported makeup that included red lipstick, pink blush on his cheeks, and eyeliner.

"And what is this disreputable young human doing here?" Gamariki had a mutual dislike of Naruto. That friction stemmed from a time when Jiraiya had summoned the toad to help Naruto recognize and disperse Genjutsu. The toad had used a Genjutsu Kiss on him, sending him into a world of illusions. When Naruto attempted to release the genjutsu, he unintentionally released chakra much in the same manner as his Rasengan That reaction tossed the unsuspecting Gamariki into a canal, knocking him out cold. "Has he come to learn more illusions, so he can make it look like he isn't here?" He made a sniffing noise. "_That _certainly would be a blessing."

"**BAH! OF COURSE NOT! HE IS NOT THE TRUE EYESORE HERE!"**

Gamabunta didn't get along well with Gamariki, either. The effeminate toad looked too much like a frog for his liking, and was not one to drink from the cup of fellowship or swear honorable pacts.

"**THERE WAS AN OVERSIGHT. A WOMAN'S NAME WAS LEFT OFF OF THE WHEEL."**

"I can guess where your crass jest is heading," Gamatiki said. He was very proud of his appearance. It wasn't the first time that someone had made a joke at his expense. "And I can guess where that wretch is heading. I won't hold the two of you up any longer. The sooner he is gone from here, the better."

Gamabunta waited with Naruto until the two toad elders strode from their home. He then left in the company of Gamaken and Gamahiro. There was drinking to do in the tavern that Ken ran. Naruto could only wonder how much liquid the mugs held.

"You're looking well, Naruto." Shima hopped over and gave him a kiss. "Are you hungry. I can rustle up some grub for you." When she said grub, she meant grubs. She paid no heed to the way that the boy put his hand over his mouth, turning green in the face.

"N-... No... No thank you," Naruto said politely.

"Have you continued with your Senjutsu training as I suggested," Fukasaku asked. He wondered if the young ninja had come up with another interesting jutsu. He had no doubt that the boy would surpass Jiraiya and Minato in time. In some ways, he already had.

"Yes, Sensei." Naruto clasped his hands and bowed respectfully. He was not about to tell the Toad sages that Natural Energy could help him create a real whopper of a naughty jutsu.

"Nothing off color, I trust." The sage may be old, but his mind was sharper than a samurai sword.

Naruto chose not to reply. The sweat drop on the side of his face said it all. The two elders pretended not to notice. After all, they had loved the Frog Hermit deeply, and that man had fulfilled the prophecy of being 'a talented ninja and a pervert without equal.'

"It seems that one of Jiraiya's pupils has the power to save or destroy the world again," Shima said. With Nagato dead, Narito was Ero-Sennin's only remaining student.

"But," Fukasaku said with his usual cheerful expression. "There is no mention of the coming events in any book that we could find." For the previous prophecy, hints of the future had been written in _The Tale of the Totally Gutsu Shinobi_, penned by the Sannin. Naruto had been named for the hero in that tale. "But... if there is a book written _after_ the fact... you can be the one who writes it..." He didn't mean a literal book. Naruto knew that. The elder toad was talking about the opportunity to script an entire world. "I hope it has a happier ending." Things with Nagato and Pain could have turned out much worse, if it hadn't been for Naruto. But, they could have turned out much better, too.

"Me too," Naruto said. His missed his old teacher. When the two toads turned and left, he followed. Before long, they were in the musty old abode of the Great Toad sage, or the_ Great Honorable Geezer _as some affectionately called him.

It took a while to wake the mountain's oldest toad. He had fallen alseep again. While many feared that he was senile, he was wiser than anyone else when he had reason to be. His prophecies were highly accurate. Always had been, and probably would be until the day he died. So, if there was a new prophecy, it was a momentous event.

"O. Hmmmpppfff. Do I remember you?" The ancient toad looked at Naruto from barely opened eyes. "Fuka! Shima! Should I know him?"

"It's Naruto," Fukasaku said softly. He could never tell when the Great sage was pretending. "One of the two children of the past prophecy."

"Of course it's Naruto!" The Great Toad Sage guffawed. "Who else did you think it was." He turned and looked at Shima. "Have you two been fighting again? Did you hit him on the head too hard? Is that why he's losing his marbles?"

"We don't have time for joking, Great Sage." Shima spoke diplomatically. "The boy has many things to think about, and the day is moving quickly along."

"Things are always moving," the Sage remarked. "Just like my bowels!" He smiled a toothless smile, closing his eyes. "That reminds me! You will be doing some moving too, won't you. Hah! Hah! I made a funny! But, remember this. Sex may be very interesting, but it is far less important than excretion. A man can go hundreds of years without sex... but he can die within a week without a bowel movement..."

"..." Naruto didn't have a reply.

"But why are you wasting time talking about sex," the Sage said. "There is a prophecy to tell." He felt the urge to speak in a booming voice. Prophecies sounded more mystical that way. "You will meet a woman who grasps like an octopus, and you will copulate with a woman with powerful eyes."

"Huh?" Naruto was affronted at first. "That's not very different than the last one. Before, you said that I would meet a creature with octopus tentacles and battle a young man with powerful eyes."

"Do you challenge my prophecy?" The Great Toad sage had both eyes wide open. He had picked up a gnarled wooden staff and struck it hard against the floor. "Do you want me to go yaoi instead? Should it read you will play hide the sausage with a young man with powerful eyes."

"**NO!" ** Naruto froze. His shock gave way to anger, but he wisely kept his cool. He thought about the people who wrote stories where he and Sasuke were gay lovers and wished that he could script the future for the real world. "I mean... no... I don't doubt you." He had an epiphany. "I did run across a girl who grabbed like an octopus!" Anko. "But I wonder-" He felt his face turning red. If the prophecy came true, he could think of a girl with powerful eyes. Byakugan eyes.

"You are probably wondering if you can beat the prophecy." The Great Sage cackled. "Did you ever ask yourself, 'What if the Great Toad Sage' is actually the author of the FanFic?' Huh? Did you?"

Fukasaku hung his head. Shima put a hand to her mouth. They both knew that the older toad could never be a writer, since he was never awake long enough to research, much less write and proofread. He truly could be a nasty old bastard some times. That was one heck of a mindf-ck. They had both seen their peer speaking with a strange man, and correctly guessed his next move.

"Hey! Enforcer! Come here!" The Great Sage called out and pulled a string that rang a series of small bells. "And bring me a glass of warm milk!"

Sure enough, there was a puff of white smoke. The enforcer stood there, dressed in a butler's get-up. He held a fancy silver tray and a crystal goblet of cow's milk. "Here you go, master."

"M-...Ma-... Mas-...Master!" Naruto felt like every neuron in his brain was a ticking timebomb. "F-... Fu-... F-ck me!" Once again, he rarely swore. But, this was a special occasion.

"No," the enforcer said. "Not me," the enforcer joked. He smiled. "You certainly have a one track mind."

"I think this joke has gone far enough," Shima said in maternal fashion. "Remember, if you damage the poor boy's brain, you could put our existence at risk." She explained to Naruto that the enforcer had visited them a few days ago, in order to keep them all appraised with the events that were unfolding. The Sage was not the story writer. He wasn't even a consultant. "You _are_ planning on chosing the Third choice, aren't you."

"I think so," Naruto said. He felt much the same way that he had in his youth, when he was driven to paint graffitti on the Stone Hokages. He promised himself that he would do the same thing to the Geezer, if the old shit-head fell asleep while he was still on the Mountain. "But I'm not sure yet." He looked over at the enforcer. "I can act against the prophecy if I want, _can't _I?"

The enforcer snapped his fingers. Time froze for everyone but him and Naruto. "Yes. You can. But I would suggest that the Sage's prophecy may still represent the best case scenario, when it comes to your choice of women. Knowing you, however, you'll want to come to a coclusion like that on your own." He grinned and waved his arms. Numerous opened paint cans covered the floor of the Sage's home. Each held a paint brush. Naruto found himself wearing a white smock and a raspberry beret. "Knock yourself out." After he finished watching the boy paint to his heart's content, he sent him back to Konoha.

Naruto arrived at the village covered with flecks of paint. It looked like a rainbow of dots arced across his jumpsuit. He had been so preoccupied with his Great Sage makeover, that the smock hadn't done him much good. He laughed again. Gamariki's freakish appearence was nothing compared to the wiseass Geezer's! Now, the old coot was colorful in more than one way. Best of all, it would take weeks for the paint to fade.

"There he is!"

Someone familiar shouted. He sounded very peeved.

"**There he is, that bastard!"**

That voice was growing louder and getting closer.

"**THERE HE IS, THAT BASTARD OF A CHEATER!"**

It was Konahamaru, with Udon and Moegi in tow. The three walked over to stand near Naruto. Konohamaru was fuming. Udon was sniffling loudly. Moegi was preening up a storm.

"What's the problem?" Naruto had no idea what might have angered his younger friend. He handed Udon a tissue he took from a hip pouch. He felt decidely uncomfortable as he watched Moegi try to strike up womanly poses.

"What's the problem, you say?" Konohamaru stood nose to nose with his erstwhile idol. "What's the problem? You _know_ the problem! You're a cheater!" He stepped on naruto's foot, hard. "This is the only way you can beat me! We had an agreement as men! We were competeing to see who would be Hokage."

"The paint makes you look sexy," Moegi said. "I think I would like it if you painted me, too."

"..." Naruto swallowed hard. He knew that the girl had a crush. But, geez Loise!

"Don't change the subject, you loser!" Konohamaru's request was illogical, seeing that Moegi had been the one to speak. But, his fury was an honest one, given his viewpoint. "You probably knew that you were going to lose. So you did_ this!"_ He obviously had been informed of the choices that Naruto had been given. By the sound of it, he assumed that Naruto would choose the Third, and would automatically make himself Hokage. "Right, Udon."

"Ummm... I guess..." Udon was as noncommital as usual.

Naruto took some of his time to calm his friend down. His friend's feelings and dreams were important to him. But, his efforts didn't stop him feeling guilty inside. If he did shape the future... and did make himself Hokage... that could seem like cheating, couldn't it? Hmmm. Only if he wouldn't have been named Hokage without any change to the story. But, if he would be the best Hokage ever, would it be wrong to write things that way? Would it be fair to himself if he made Konohamaru Hokage because his friend was upset? Damn that author! The choice seemed so simple one moment, and incredibly hard the next!

"You look like someone wrestling with a moral dilemma." It was Neji. "I certainly know how that feels." He graciously asked if Naruto wanted to talk. "I once felt like a bird in a cage. That was nothing compared to what you must be feeling." He hoped that he could return the favor, talking to his friend. If he had defeated Naruto during the Chuunin exams, who knows how different his life might be. His eyes had been opened. He felt at peace every day.

"Yes," Naruto said. "I can understand how you must have felt. But, I'm a bird who can put any human I choose into a cage." He sighed. "But it's not that simple. I might think that my actions are opening a cage door for someone, only to find out that I closed an open door for someone else. I might think that I have torn the cages into pieces, only to have someone make arrows from the scraps and start shooting down all the other birds. Stuff like that."

"If you like, I will tell you some of the things I thought about when I was examining my life, before and after our match." Neji motioned to a bench in the shadow of a large weeping elm. "I won't work you through my steps. Those were personal and unique. But, it will be something to think about. An exercise of sorts, one that might help you as a mental palate cleanser. First, however, I would like to mention the concept of quantum thinking."

"Quantum leap thinking?" Naruto hid a smile. He didn't want to seem as if he were laughing at his friend. "That sounds so sci-fi."

"I know," Neji said. He smiled, too. "This is the gist. Many intelligent people think that the world is sequential. But, quantum leap thinking says that everything is not necessarily connected to everything else. Understanding that fact frees us from the limits that our assumptions place on us, and sets us free from the fear of significant changes." He stressed those last two words. "A person can make a great leap if they overcome the fear of leaping."

"But how-" Naruto felt a surge of hope. Might quantum leap thinking be something that could help him make his decision?

"It's natural to form barriers and tell yourself what you can or cannot do." Neji picked up a dead cicada and examined it, once again wondering at the immaculate design of Nature. "We'll talk a little about should and should not later." He placed the insect corpse down again. "Quick fixes defeat the concept. The desire for instant gratification is a barrier in itself."

Naruto nodded his head. That certainly made sense. And, it made him realize that he shouldn't rush his answer, just to get it over with.

"You also have to fight your fears. But, you shouldn't get too worked up over things that you think are problems, but really are not." Neji could relate to this point. There were things that he had falsely believed about the Hyuuga clan, and had wasted time resenting people and plotting against them. "You have to be able to separate the two and handle them with effective strategies. False concerns can distract you and make you want to quit when there really is no reason to."

Naruto nodded his head. He saw a lot of potential there. Without a doubt, the whole idea of sex was filled with true fears and false fears. The concept of choice-making in general was even worse.

"One can never accomplish anything if they do not take the necessary leap. You of all people should see that truth in that." Neji had once seen Naruto as a nothing-person. No. Worse the nothing. And a majority of the villagers had felt the way that he had, or far worse. But, Naruto had dared to dream. More importantly, he had done more than just dream. "You must act. But, you must not act recklessly. You must be diligent instead."

"Yes," Naruto said. That's what his walkabout was ultimately about. Being diligent. Finding the keys that unlocked different types of thought. "And... I should keep a positive outlook... any difficulty or adversity could actually turn out to be an opportunity."

"Correct," Neji said with a feeling of pride. Naruto had a good heart for sure. But, he also had a clever mind. In fact, that good heart often let him see and think things that others with weaker more selfish hearts might not. "Now, I should say a few words about ethics and morals. To make things simple, let us think of 'morals' when we are talking about personal decisions. Morality refers to values, codes of conduct, or social mores that distinguish between right and wrong." He went on to speak briefly about morality, before moving on to a more complicated subject.

"Let us think of 'ethics' when we are talking about group decision making," Neji said.. " Ethics can be defined as the rules-of-the-road for human actions. It is the set of principles that is followed by a civil society. It is based on treating others the way you would want to be treated."

"Believe it!" Naruto blushed. He was overly enthusiastic sometimes. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Neji smiled warmly. It was good to have friends. He had experienced the alternative. "There is nothing wrong with being spirited. I trust you. Most everybody trusts you." He held up a hand. "But... don't ever let that go to your head..." He pointed up at the Monument. "Especially if your head is ever carved up there."

"Right." Naruto sounded emotionally sober again.

"A few points to ponder." Neji sounded like a professor. Naruto fought the impulse to ask if he wanted a blackboard and pointer. "Ethics does not mean following the law, A good system of law _does_ incorporate ethical standards. But, law can deviate from the ethical. Law can become ethically corrupt. Law can be a function of power alone. Law can serve only a small narrow part of the population." He thought about the issue with the Main and Branch families.

"Does the same thing go for cultures?" Naruto was making a mental leap ahead. "Some cultures seem to be very ethical. Others seem to be corrupt or blind to things that might be corrupt."

"Very good," Neji said. "Science, too. Science can tell us _why_ we do things, but it does not tell us _what _we ought to do. And, just because it is scientifically possible to do something, that doesn't mean it is ethical to do so. "Ethics is not religion. Many people are not religious, but ethics applies to them as well. Ethics are not the same thing as feelings. Some people do feel bad when they do something wrong. But, many people feel good even though they are doing something bad."

"So-" Naruto scratched his head. When he was back in school, his mind wandered much of the time, but was especially transient when things became mentally challenging. He had to fight that habit now. "If ethics isn't based on feelings... religion... science... culture... and..." He couldn't remember the other one.

"Law," Neji said.

"Right! Law!" Naruto shook a leg that had fallen asleep. "What are ethics based on then?"

"I know your time is limited, so I will give you some broad categories." Neji wondered if time was indeed moving the same as usual. The sun hadn't moved as much as he thought it should have. "The _Utilitarian Approach _says that the ethical action is the one that does the most good... or does the least bad. The _Rights Approach_ says that the ethical action is the one that respects and potects the moral rights of the individual. The _Fairness and Justice Approach_ says that ethical actions treat every individual equally if possible, or at least fairly. The _Common Good Approach _says that ethical actions support the things in the community that are important to everyone's welfare. The _Virture Approach_ says that ethical actions are the ones that are consistent with the virtues that help us achieve the highest level of character, such as honesty, courage, love, faithfulness, compassion, and fairness."

"Is there one that's best?" Naruto almost asked 'Are there more types,' but was afraid the answer might be yes. The talk was very insightful, but a sponge can only soak up so much liquid. "Or-" he thought a moment. "Or can we use each approach as a test of sorts." That would take a lot of thinking!

"Not everyone will have the same deinitions for words like 'human rights', 'common good', 'helping' or 'harming'." Neji sighed. He had been up and down like a rollercoaster many times, thinking about ethics. It was good that his friend wouldn't have days and weeks to worry over things. "Each approach may lead to a different answer. But, more often than not, the different approaches all point in a similar direction. Especially for someone like you." He felt that he had said enough. There were indeed too many ways of ethical thinking to talk about in one session. Categorical imperitive. Prioritarianism. Deontology. Ethical relativism. Normative ethics. Bounded rationality. And so forth and so on.

"Neji-" Naruto remembered something. He had meant it when he said it. "Do you remember when I said that I would change the Hyuuga clan when I was Hokage?"

"Yes," Neji replied. "I do." He nodded his head. "I see where this is leading. I won't say anything one way or the other. I will leave that up to you. It is a difficult issue. One has to balance the good of the few versus the good of the village as a whole." He told Naruto again that he trusted his eyes most of all, even though he didn't have a Byakugan, Sharingan, or Rinnegan. "If you decide to write... and you write in too many details... you may create a destiny that failure and genius alike cannot change. That would be ironic, would it not?" He looked as if he was having a difficult time getting the next words out. "There are particular details worth mentioning... but..."

"Pairings." Naruto said.

"Pairings," Neji said in turn. "I have read some of the fan-fiction from the other realm. It touches very close to the truth. But... I would ask that you do not pair me up with Ten Ten. I... we..." It was rare to see Neji hesitate in anything. "She is a good friend and I would not want to risk that. I also know that a Hyuuga with a skill level such as mine, may be obliged to have children with a Hyuuga wife."

"The Byakugan. One of the three great Dojutsu." Naruto sighed. As much as he loved being shinobi, he had thought about creating a world where there were no ninjas. But, if it wasn't bloodline traits influencing lives and decisions, it would be something else. "The _kekkei genkai _must be maintained." He snapped his fingers and perked up some. "That's something I could change. If a Hyuuga man always had children with the Byakugan no matter who his wife was..."

"That might be a good thing," Neji mused. "It would allow closer ties amongst tribes, too." His voice went from contemplative to assertive. "I still would ask that you do not pair me up. For some, a thoughtful pairing might prove beneficial. But for me... who has fought so hard against destiny... I would feel like a hypocrite if I did not say what I have said."

"OK," Naruto said. "After talking to a number of our friends, I've already decided that pairing wasn't the best way to go. If the writer allows me to say 'And my friends will all have happy families,' then I see no need to go further. But... I did hear something from the Great Toad Sage..." He mentioned the latest prophecy. He felt a big lump in his throat. His breathing came faster.

"Hinata," Neji said. "That would be a possibility. But, there are many Hyuuga women, including my other cousin." He looked torn again, as if there was something that he wanted to say, but thought it might be an intrusion.

"I don't really know Hanabi," Naruto said. "I don't know any Hyuuga girls except for Hinata. Granny Tsunade told me about Hinata's feelings for me. She told me how I have changed her life, and how we have certain things in common." His voice came out in a whisper. "Her Ninja Way is a lot like my own."

"Your children wouldn't run the risk of having pink hair." Neji was joking. Another rare occurrence. He smiled when he saw his friend's eyes go as wide as possible. It must be a somewhat troublesome image to naruto. The Hokage with pink-haired sons. "Though... you have hair like your father..." He and Naruto's other friends had been happy for him, learning about his lineage.

"That's true!" Naruto still felt a chill run down his spine, however. Pink hair? _ That_ was something he could script out! Or, he could script it _in_, if he paired Sakura with Sasuke. His previously poisonous friend wanted to revive his clan, did he? He had turned his back on the village, right? He had acted against his companions! The Pink-hair Penance Probability! He stopped his evil chuckling when Neji coughed politely. "O. Sorry. We were talking about Hinata."

"I shouldn't have joked," Neji admitted. "But I wanted to make a commentary on pairings and how people try to reason them out. There really shouldn't be so much thinking or deciding. Individuals should not be playing cards." He motioned to the tarot card that Naruto still wore around his neck. "It... the rules of this game..." He looked over at the Great Wheel. "There is already a great onus built in."

"A great onus written by a great anus." Naruto fought the urge the sulk. "The writer offers up so much treasure, but also so much trash!" He sighed. This was no time to pout. He had so much to think through. Prophecies. Quantum Leap thinking. The Butterfly effect. Morals and ethics. People's hopes and dreams. And sex, of course. "There certainly is something attractive about the choice with blank slats. I can't help but find myself tempted..."

"To erase a large number of names on the wheel?" Neji had no trouble surmising Naruto's thoughts. "To use the death of horrible men and petty criminals to your own benefit? Killing two birds with one stone? You and the chosen woman are not forced to perform the act. The village is treated like a garden, with weeds being pulled out." He nodded his head. "But... both of us know... people change. And, if someone _else_ was the one doing the weeding-"

"Sasuke would be the first weed they pulled up." Naruto made a face. "_If_ the elders didn't want to preserve the Sharingan." He felt like punching some thing or someone. The Council may have been looking out for Konoha, but their methods caused so much death and pain. Itachi. The whole Uchiha clan except for Sasuke. And after all that, they wanted to bring back the clan they had wiped out?

"There would be ethical trade offs," Neji noted. "But, the weight on you soul would vanish when the choice was made. No one would know what had transpired, not even you. You could script a raging fire at the Penetentiary. You could write about an epidemic that struck the seedy neighborhoods. Criminals would avoid the Clinic for fear of being recognized and arrested. Or, the people of evil nature could rise up in revolt against the Damyo, dying in their treasonous rebellion."

"Maybe I should hire you to be my ghost writer," Naruto said. "Just the way that Jiraiya had me write a chapter in one of his books when he was busy." He squared his shoulders. "I just can't get past the thought that I would be killing defenseless people if I did that. And... I would feel dirty... doing something that I know the Council would choose in a heartbeat." He had been shadowed by elders throughout the day. They had all tried to approach him, but had been held back by invisble walls, as if they were playing mime. If that was the author's doing, he was grateful for that much. "Even criminals have family members who would be affected."

"Right." Neji understood completely. "People shouldn't forget that Danzo was operating with the village's best interest at heart." He scowled. "The village's best interests in _his_ image." He changed tack. "But... back to Hinata..."

"I would feel so terrible... you know... almost as if I was betraying her." Naruto was clearly making reference to naming the white-eyed girl as his sex partner. "She trusts me. Granny Tsunade says that she idolizes me. Like I said before, I've been the person that made her change for the better.."

"The other women would be affected, too." Neji stood up, needing to continue about his business. "But, there is a way around it. You get the person you select to buy into things. Or, at the very least, you explain your options to her. Or, to all of them. The further that you narrow down your choices-"

"The fewer girls I need to speak with." Naruto felt tense and relaxed at the same time, almost as if he were looking left when he was looking right. "If one or more of them is okay with things... or even wants things that way..." He blushed. It sounded all so simple. But, he would have to approach the girls and strike up a rather delicate conversation.

"Exactly," Neji said. After saying that, Neji added his farewells and went on his way.

Naruto was saved the need to hunt down one of the women on his short list. As he walked down one alleyway, he came across the rest of Team Kakashi, who had been using the time to train. Yamato happened to be with them too, despites Kakashi's presence.

"Sakura." Naruto felt like a wax figure. He couldn't move. And, if someone were to turn up the heat, he would melt into a puddle.

"**Naruto!"** Sakura didn't look shy and retiring. She didn't blush or stammer. **"You!"**

"I think we should leave the two of them alone for a moment," Yamato suggested.

"I don't know," Kakashi said. "Maybe we should be chaperons." He knew that this was not the best time for that joke. But, he was who he was. "Spring is in the air... a boy and girl left alone... nature takes it's course..." He swallowed hard when Saukra turned her glare on him. "You're right."

"I will stay and observe," Sai remarked. "This would be a wonderful opportunity to learn about relations of the heart." He took out the book that he wrote facts and observations in. "Not to mention the functions of various parts of the anatomy." He offered no resistence when Kakashi and Yamato each took one of his arms and dargged him off.

"Uh... hi, Sakura... I was going to look for you." Naruto felt as if the whole world sat on him.

"I know why!" Sakura did care about Naruto. And she did care about Sasuke. She had a great number of things to sort out in her heart. But, that was her trial. That was her business. "And you better stop thinking that right now!" She stomped one foot. Stone fragments flew up. When she moved that foot, there was a hole in the street. "I am _not_ a Barbie Girl!" She was still mortified by the comical choice in songs. It wasn't funny to her! "You cannot use me here... there... or anywhere!"

"But... I didn't... it wouldn't be..." Naruto shut his mouth, quieted by an observation. Tears were welling up in his teammates eyes.

"Just don't make any decisions for me!" Sakura smapped. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her voice softened. "Please." Her voice changed again. "Don't think that I wouldn't know. Somehow I would. Somehow. And I would hate you for it!" She knew that she was being over-emotional. She knew the difficulty her friend found himself in. She couldn't help herself. She walked away swiftly, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

"You handled that well." That was Yamato and his dry sense of humor. He had returned alone. "I won't take up much of your time. I just wanted to add my two cents." The jounin created a large wooden bench. It was convenient, and it served as a good talking point. "It's a very useful talent, isn't it."

"Yes," Naruto admitted. He looked down the alley. The homes that he could see in the distance had been built with the first Hokage's techniques.

"I wouldn't have this wonderful talent, unless someone had done something horrible." Yamato was obviously referiing to Orochimaru and his experiments. "The question might be, is it worth it? So many children died. But, my surviving did not cause their deaths. I was the fortunate exception. What if we all had survived? Would the ends excuse the means? It's something for you to think about. There is something else, too-" He created a large shape out of wood. A circle, with an 'S' shape dividing it in half, a small round circle placed in the head of each comma-shaped piece. "That shape is called the Taijitu. It represents an ancient and profound philosophy."

"Which philosophy?" Naruto tried to remember where he had seen a symbol like that one. Right! There was an identical shape seen on the divination field of the Hyuuga Clan

"Taoism," Yamato answered. "Taoists generally focuses on nature; the relationship between humanity and the cosmos; health and longevity; and action through inaction." He let that last concept sink in before speaking further. "They speak of yin and yang. Those words have meaning to shinobi, too. The manipulation of Yin and Yang is the source of non-elemental jutsu such as the Shadow Imitation Technique, Multi-Size Technique, medical ninjutsu, genjutsu, and so forth. _Inton_, the Yin release techniques, are beased on the spiritual energy that governs the imagination. They can create form out of nothingness. _Yōton_, the Yang Release techniques, are based on physical energy that governs vitality. They can be used to breath life into form."

"That-" Naruto couldn't see how those facts helped him.

"Sorry. That was the teacher in me." Yamato got to his point. "The Taoists emphasize compassion, moderation, and humility. Those characteristics may serve you well in whatever decisions you are expected to make. You might also benefit from thinking about the nature of Yin and Yang in their way of thinking. Some people think that Yin and Yang refer to good and evil. Taoists generally discount dichotomous moral judgments. They prefer the idea of balance. At the heart of the Taijitu are two poles of existence. They are opposite, but are also complimentary. The white Yang moves up, blending with the dark Yin moving down. They are thought of as two aspects of a single reality. Each contains the seed of the other... that is why there is a black spot of Yin in the white Yang... and a white spot of Yang in the black Yin."

"So-" Naruto was beginning to feel frazzled. He focussed his concentration again.

"While the Taoists are not concerned with good and evil, we can look at those two things with a Taoist eye." Yamato tried to put his thoughts into words. "Good often gives rise to evil, and vice versa. No matter how much good you try to create, there will always be evil. No matter how much evil might come from your wrong decision, there will always be good there to balance it out. Worry more about the small personal things you might affect. The world can take care of itself."

"O." Naruto instinctively understood that. It did provide him with a different perspective.

"To be complete, I should mention that Yin is earth, female, dark, passive, and absorbing. Yang is heaven, male, light, active, and penetrating." The jounin saw Naruto twitch after hearing that last word. "Yin is present in even numbers, in valleys and streams, and is represented by the tiger, the color orange, and a broken line."

"Hey!" Naruto stood up in protest. Orange! "I'm _not _womanly!" He sat back down when Yamato gave him 'that' face.

"May I continue?" The jounin's voice made it certain that the polite question was merely a formality. "Yang is present in odd numbers, mountains, and is represented by the dragon, the color azure, and an unbroken like." After finishing with those factual tidbits, he left to report for duty. The void was quickly filled by Sai.

"Naruto," Sai said with a neutral voice. "I thought that as your teammate, I should come and offer you comfort in your time of great trouble and need." He held out a bag of fresh fish-shaped taiyaki. He knew that his friend enjoyed that kind of pastry. "Enjoy."

"Thanks!" Naruto quickly reached into the bag. He took out two taiyaki and offered one to Sai who accepted. "Who are you, and what have you done with Sai!" He laughed at his own joke. But, he was talking only partly in jest. There were Yin and Yang aspects to the former Root ninja. He should have saved his breath.

"I overheard you speaking about Taoism." Sai was incorrect. Naruto had been listening. But, his mistake was not important. His mistakes were never really important. But, they certainly could fire people up. The proof of that would soon follow. "It is quite the coincidence. I read a book at the Scroll depository, but do not have a copy to give you. I can share what I read, however."

Naruto thought about nixing that idea quickly. But, Sai had beeen thoughtful enough to bring him a gift.

"Taoist sexual practices... fangzhongshu... the Bedroom Arts..." Sai read from his notebook. "The Joining Energy... the Joining of Essences... by performing those sexual arts, one can stay in good health and attain longevity." He cocked his head. "By longevity, I assume they mean long life, not long length." He smiled when Naruto spat out some pastry, choking. "I wrote down helpful information for you, taken from a Taoist book titled _Health Benefits of the Bedchamber_. Certain times appear to be better for intercourse than others. You should avoid having intercourse on quarter or full moons and on days when there were great winds, rain, fog, cold or heat, thunder, lightning, solar and lunar eclipses, rainbows and earthquakes. Having intercourse at these times might harm your spirit and would cause a woman partner to become ill. Also, children conceived at these times would be insane, stupid, perverse, foolish. They might also be mute, deaf, crippled, blind, and violent. I wonder if that explains some of the villains we have fought. That-"

"Sai." Naruto had eaten his fill of pastry. He had also heard his fill of Sai-isms.

"Sorry. I was about to digress." Sai smiled amicably. "Instead, I should mention that one should select the right day for intercourse if wishes to have children. After the woman's period, the first, third or fifth days may be the best. If on these days the man ejaculates after midnight, the child would likely be a boy . If a female child is preferrable, the man needs to ejaculate on the second, fourth or sixth days after the cessation of the woman's period."

"_Sai!" _Naruto felt his heart thumping and his anger rising.

"You are not thinking about becoming a father. I apologize." Sai flipped through a couple of pages. "I should have realized that. You are probably more intereted in the ideal locations for sexual encounters." He read from the book. "People should avoid the glare of the sun, moon or stars. They should not have their union in the interior of shrines, in proximity to temples, wells, stoves and privies. The vicinity of graves or coffins is also discouraged."

"**SAI!" ** Naruto fought the urge to create a large number of clones to gag and dogpike his talkative teammate.

"Naruto?" Sai blinked rapidly, trying to interpret the other boysactions. "You are more interested in geometry than geography?" He began rummaging inside his rucksack. "Ah. You don't want words. You want pictures." He smiled. He could take care of both of those necessities. "Here. They did alow me to check this book out when I gave them your name." He handed a book to Naruto.

"The _Jutsu Sutra_?" Naruto couldn't fight his curiosity. He opened the book. He didn't see any illustrations, yet. The table of contents was enough to make him tremble. "Chapter One. Kinds of Union According to Dimensions, Force of Desire, and Time; and on the Different Kinds of Love. Chapter Two. Of the Embrace. Chapter Three. On Kissing. Chapter Four. On Pressing or Marking with the Nails. Chapter Five. On Biting, and the Ways of Love to be Employed with Regard to Women of Different Countries. Chapter Six. On the Various Ways of Lying Down, and the Different Kinds of Congress. Chapter Seven. On the Various Ways of Striking, and of The Sounds Appropriate to Them. Chapter Eight. About Females Acting the Part of Males. Chapter Nine. On Holding the Lingam in the Mouth. Chapter Ten. How to Begin and How to End the Congress. Different Kinds of Congress, and Love Quarrels."

"Fascinating, is it not." Sai walked over and took the book from Naruto's limp hands. He opened it to another page and held it up for his friend to see, preparring to give him the equivalent of a slide show. "There are sixty-four acts illustrated and described in ten chapters. See. Penetrating partner on top with front entry. And here. Penetrating from behind. Also. Receiving partner on top. Sitting and kneeling. Standing. Anal sex positions. Different postures for each of them. And then, there are the less common positions. Some of these are highly inventive. For example-"

"**THAT'S IT! THAT'S ENOUGH!"**

Naruto created clones. They piled on Sai, but only after claiming that their actions had nothing sexual about them.

"Books can cause a lot of trouble, can't they." That came from Kakashi, who perched atop a nearby lamp post. Naturally, he held a copy of an _Icha Icha_ book. "Don't worry. I'm not going to tease you or lecture you." He closed the book. "But I will offer a few thoughts. But first... I guess..." He put one hand behind his head. "About that master of ceremony routine."

"It was the endorcer's doing," Naruto said. "Well, the writer's, really." He smiled. "I don't blame you, Kakashi-sensei."

"Good. Great. I didn't want to have to think up another lame excuse." He winked. That was the first time that he had formally admitted to his excuses, even though he knew that everyone had caught on before. "But... as much as I might want to... I can't say that this story-line is entirely lame. It certainly has been thought-provoking. And the early chapters served as a bit of a metaphor for the whole fan-fiction business."

"If you say so," Naruto grumped.

"It made me think about the things that I might change, if I could affect the past." Kakashi jumped down and stood next to his teammate. "You know... if Orbito didn't die... if Rin was still with us..." He adjusted his mask, making things more comfortable. "Also for me, Sarutobi and Jiraiya. For tsunade, Dan Katō and Nawaki. For Team Ten, Asuma. That kind of thing."

"And for Sasuke, his brother and his whole clan." Naruto understood. "And for me, my mother and father. Those choices would be easy!"

"Would they really?" Kakashi grinned. "Then chew on this a bit. What was Dan's dream? What was Nawaki's ambition? They both wanted to be Hokage, didn't they? The Daimyo liked Jiraiya, and might have asked him to take the hat if Tsunade had refused." He didn't mention his own place as a possible candidate. "If there were still so many potential Kages out there-"

"O." Naruto's mouth fell open. "Then I might never have a chance." He saw the truth in that. But, his pride made itself heard. He still might have proven himself to the people, no matter how many competitors there were. "I might only have to wait a lot longer."

"Right." Kakashi held out the bells. "Any way, you can't change the past. You know what happened the first time I tested you guys with these. But, you can choose the future. We all can, in our own way. That's how you and Sakura were able to defeat me the second time. You worked hard towards a better future. Furthermore, the results would have been the same if it was an independent effort, or if someone had scripted things for you." Which, in fact, was what had happened in the canon. "You would still have worked hard... and the results would have been just the same..."

"Uh huh." Naruto saw that. His mind kept sweeping one way and then another, like the arm of a metronome. Good bad. Right wrong. Fair unfair. Intruder facillitator. Etc. etc.

"There is always cause and effect," the Copy ninja said. He uncovered his Saringan. "This is my claim to fame, right. It has allowed me to do important things and save many lives." He shrugged sadly. "But, while it did not cost my teammate his life, it did come to me as a result of his death." He thought of another example. "Shino's family had no choice but to bring the Kamizuru clan to the brink of annihilation. Their giant bees could have caused countless deaths in the Leaf. But, that clan also raised a large number of normal bees. Without those bees, many crops, trees, and wildflowers were affected. A large number of people starved to death. A lot of beauty left the world along with their ugliness of spirit." There was a reason why that example had come to mind. He had noticed a presence that Naruto had overlooked up until this point.

When Kakashi left, Naruto realized that another friend was nearby. It was Shino. He was standing at the end of the alleyway, waiting his turn to speak.

"No doubt you did not see me there," Shino said. "Or if you saw me, you didn't recognize me." It was that sore spot again. "If you _do _choose to take control of the future, don't forget to put me there, too."

"I have never forgotten you!" Naruto felt a bit testy. He simply hadn't recognized Shino in his new outfit, that day he retunred to the village. He had never heard the end of it, or how he had easily recognized Kiba, Akamaru, and Hinata that same day. "I would never forget _any_ of my friends!"

"So you say." Shino did not sound convinced. "Nevertheless, that was only one reason that I wanted to speak to you. Kiba and I were talking. About your woman issue. I thought of a solution. Literally and figuratively."

"A solution." Naruto felt a bit bothered. He didn't like the ideas of his friends discussing his problems. Then again, practically everyone in this village... and in_ all_ villages... were probably talking about him. There was good reason to wonder about the outcome, and many people were simply gossips. But, they reaped what they sowed. The people that they gossiped with, probably gossiped about them too!

"Yes," Shino said. He took a small phial out from under his robe. "You might be worried that the woman who spends time with you may be there against her wishes. It would be like two people being raped by each other. It would be dangerously close to paradox."

"What's in that bottle?" Naruto wondred if it might be cologne. How could _that_ make things better?

"Phereomones," Shino replied. "My family is adept at creating them from natural sources, and manipulating them to serve our needs."

"Aha! That's how creepy guys get girlfriends and wives!" Naruto clamped both hands over his mouth. He was too late. He had indeed thought about that subject, because the thought of bugs inside of people always left him feeling queasy.

"That was rude." Shino was rightfully offended. He turned to leave, but accepted his friend's hurried apology. "We use them in connection with chakra bugs and other beneficial insects. But your unkind remark tells me that you must know something about the subject.

"Yes," Naruto said. "I remember Iruka-sensei telling us about bugs. Let's see. There were... alarm pheromones... food trail pheromones... sex pheromones... and others..."

"Correct," Shino said. "You are good at repeating things. I hope you are also good at understanding them." He felt totally justified sticking that barb in there. "Insects use those peheromones for their own needs and the needs of the entire population. Humans can easily use the exact same substances to their own advatnages, helping advantageous species and removing or reducing disadvantageous ones. For example, we can interupt reproductive cycles. We can lure pests into traps. By doing the latter, we cut down on the amount of harmful pesticides that farmers use. That benefits the soil and people eating produce grown in that soil."

"Lure..." Naruto swallowed hard. "Traps..." He didn't want to think of himself as some kind of sexual predator.

"Pay attention," Shino said. "Some plants use pheromone-like substances. Vertebrates, too. Mammals of all sorts use olfactory signals to define territories... mark their young... signal aggressive intent... and indicate a willingness to copulate."

"Aggressive intent." Naruto was letting his imagination run wild again. "Willingness to copulate."

"I hope you are taking this more seriously than you take me," Shino said sharply. "Kiba keeps joking about the subject, asking me for a magic potion that would let him 'get some'. I thought you would be different."

"I am!" Naruto asserted.

"Alright," Shino said after a long silent pause. "We do not know if there are human pheromones per se. There are clans in other villages who are researching that subject. That is a worrisome fact. There could be great danger if they discover such things and turn them into weapons. Anyway, while many people rate olfactions as their least important sensory modality... and believe that something that means little to themselves must mean little to others as well..."

"Hey!" Naruto shook a fist at his friend. "I bathe!"

"I didn't mention any names," Shino said. "It is not necessary." He didn't clarify if the lack of necessity came from the name already being obvious, or whether a specific name had no bearing on his lecture. "Even though people often give less importance to smell over taste, hearing, seeing, and touching, they still make great efforts and spend a large amount of money on deodarant soaps, scented shampoos, underarm sprays, and the like."

"I told you that I bathe," Naruto said, his voice going up an octave.

"I know that. I was speaking about humans in general." Shino didn't like to be interrupted. "Olfaction is neither unimportant nor obsolete. Most human odors come from the skin. Sebaceous glands are concentrated in the underarms... nipples...pubic area, genital area, and areas around the anus... eyelids... outer ear... and the region around the mouth and lips. Because four of those areas are associated with hair... and because hair growth occurs at puberty... the dispersal of bodily odors _may_ be linked to sexual development."

Naruto made a face. He remembered seeing the bearded woman from crowd the previous night. She had hairy pits, too. That was not sexy to him!

"The substances produced by those glands are not smelly in themselves." Shino stated. "When bacteria in the skin eventually degrade them, that is when the odor becomes offensive." He realized that there was a danger in being too factual and too verbose. He needed to tailor things to is audience. "Many women have an acute ability to smell musk. Musks are steroids that have a structure somewhat like testosterone. Maybe that is why men are largely unaffected. Regardless, seeing that women are more odor-receptive than men... and knowing that they are most sensitive to musk at those points in their cycle when they are most likely to want sexual intercourse... musk may serve as a possible pheromonal trigger for sexual activity." He took out another phial. "You should not be left feeling forced, either. There are those that think that vaginal secretions might contain some kind of sex pheromone-"

"_Euwwww-www-ww-w._..." Naruto was not a big fan of secretions of any sort. But the thought of certain secretions in general sort of grossed him out.

"**Grow up!" ** Shino hardly ever raised his voice. He tried his best not to hyperventilate. "Researchers have purposed that there is an undiscovred substance called copulin. In rhesus monkeys-"

"Gag!" Naruto felt childish. "Is that-" he stared at the one phial. "Is that monkey juice? If it is, I sure as shit won't be using it!"

"It is _not_ monkey juice." Shino gritted his teeth together.

"O. That's alright then." Naruto felt momentarily relieved. Wait. If it didn't come from monkeys. He tensed up again.

"Use them if you like," Shino said when Naruto had both bottles in his possession. "I was only trying to help. I hope you are thankful." After Naruto assured him that he was, the cowled ninja added a stren command. "Don't give either bottle to Kiba under any circumstances. I will have your word on that!" He knew that his friend's word was his bond. After Naruto promised, Shino headed home.

Naruto decided to visit a couple of people in particular. He wanted Granny Tsunades advice. He should take the time to speak with Hinata. But, just the same, he was accosted by a random mindividual again. Well, as random as anyone can be in a written piece.

"Hello there, Naruto. Have you seen Guy." It was Ningame, Guy's summons. "He said that he was under an attack of sorts, but I have seen no evidence of battle. Do you know anything about this? Was it assassins?"

"Well..." Naruto stared at the large red reptile with bright yellow markings. "Character assassins, maybe-" He remembered the way that the women were ganging up on the green-clad ninja. He remembered something off-topic about the turtle. He wore a forehead protector with the Leaf symbol. That meant that he was highly loyal to Konoha, the way that Kakashi's ninken were, and the way that King Enma had been while Sarutobi lived. No other summons wore nation-specific headgear.

"Before I look to rescue Guy-" Ningame said. "I will leave you with a piece of advice. Can you please reach into the bag on my back and take out a Tootsie Pop. Unwrap it for me, and place it at my feet." After Naruto did so, the turtle said "Many people can sound smart. They may be the smartest people that anyone else knows. But that doesn't mean that everything they say is right. I'm reminded of an old TV commercial from the real worlds that was shown on an oldies program here. A boy asked a wise old owl how many licks it took to get to the center of one of these Tootsie Pops. This was how he answered." He licked the lollipop once. "One-" He licked it again. "Two-" He licked it a third time and then bit it. "Three. The answer is three. Think about it."

Naruto was able to make his way to the Hokage after that. He told her about everything that he had seen and heard, and she took a good bit of time helping him to sort out his thoughts. She also decided that it was a prime opportunity to teach him something about leadership.

"So. Do you think that leadres are born... or made..." Tsunade asked Naruto.

"I would think that you have to learn it." Naruto thought a moment longer. "I bet that everyone has _some_ leadership potential. Some people will just be better at it than others."

"That's right." The Hokage smiled. "Is Ton Ton hiding under your chair. Did she give you the answer?" As it turned out, Ton Ton had left the building when Naruto entered. "A person doesn't need to fill an office or be officially designated as a leader to be able to lead. You see evidence of that every day in shinobi society."

"Yes," Naruto said. "In the simplest sense, a person is a leader when he makes things happen that wouldn't have happened otherwise."

"Are you sure Ton Ton isn't down there?" Tsunade was glad to see that Naruto was a still a quick thinker. "Here are some points to remember. Leaders should be well organized. Leadership requires commitment. It is important, for a leader to know his or her own abilities, knowledge and values, and to how others perceive those things. For example, if trust is a quality that is highly valued by the people you are leading, then it is important for you to be viewed as a trustworthy person. Also, by knowing your own strengths and weaknesses, you can also develop a plan to work on those areas that you may wish to improve."

"Right." Naruto nodded.

"A successful leader makes an effort to learn and practise appropriate skills," Tsunade continued.. "There are certain things that you will want to become intimately familiar with." Those last words had her frowning. "Knowledge and understanding of specific tasks. The ability to communicate. Team building. Vision. Risk taking."

Naruto was scribbling down notes. Heis face turned red when the Hoakage slyly asked if she should speak slower.

"It is imperative that you learn to value individuals, groups, and the responsibilities assocayed with individuals and groups. In addition, we all tend to think of a good communicator as a good speaker. But that is only part of it. A key and often forgotten component of an effective communication is listening."

"Did you say something?" Naruto kept himself from smiling. This was payback for the pig remarks, and for the crack about him having to write things down.

"I never should have let you hang around Kakashi after I became Hokage." Tsunade was probably joking. "Or Jiraiya. Anyway, a good listener hears not only facts, but also hears feelings. Paraphrasing or restating the person's message in shorter terms is a useful technique."

"So you're saying that I should restate your comments." Naruto smiled. Another golden opportunity. "So... is Ton Ton hiding under your chair... telling you all of this smart stuff?" He almost peed his pants when Tsunades's arm twitched. The chair arm broke off in her grasp. "Right. Listening. Sure."

"A leader cannot achieve success alone." Tsunade met Naruto's eyes meaningfully. "But at times she will be very tempted in that regard." Her visage softened. "As I mentioned before, a good leader should have vision. He or she should be a risk taker and an innovator. You can come up with new ideas yourself, or see the value in new ideas that other people come up with. A good leader should recognize and reward people for their efforts. They should encourage the people working under them."

"Is there a certain style a leader uses?" Naruto had been lead by many people, but he had never come up with one particular trait that they all had in common. "I haven't been able to figure that out."

"It's good that you were looking for an answer," Tsunade said, putting her words into action. "A leader may use different styles in carrying out his or her role. The style that a leader chooses will depend mostly upon his subject's level of readiness and their willingness to be led. There are four styles that are appropriate for different situations." She went on to give a brief description of different styles and situations, including the Directing and Telling leader... the Coaching and Selling leader... the Participating and Supportive leader... and the Delegating and Trusting leader.

"So... will one size doesn't fit all..." Naruto mused. He wasn't going to learn to be an effective leader instantly. But, he didn't have to. What's more, he could incorporate the things that he had learbed here into his planning, if he chose the Third choice. He could make certain that he would remember the things that he had to research further, and the things that he had to keep practicing. "I bet there's no magic way to become a good leader overnight..."

"There may be hope for you yet," Tsunade said. "Keep your eyes open. Keep your ears open. And keep your mind open. Remember to involve, and to evolve. Enrich yourself and others. Motivate people, and let people motivate you. Take risks when you have to, but don't gamble unnecessarily."

"Hai!" Naruto looked out the window. The sun had started going down. There wasn't a lot of time left. There had been change in deadlines. He would have to give his answer to the enforcer at the stroke of midnight.

"I heard about Sakura," the Hokage said out of the blue. Sakura had spoken to Shizune, and Shizune had spoken to her. "That saves you one very important converstaion. But... there's another girl you should take the time to talk to. I doubt she came running up to you and tell you leave her out of things."

"Yes," Naruto admitted. "Hinata." He naturally recalled the discussion that he and the Sannin had held on the night of The Spin. "I was planning on visiting her next. But-" His skin felt clammy. He felt unsure and inexperienced.

"Just be yourself," Tsunade suggested. "You're the person that she has always admired. To hear Neji and others speak, she has become a good deal braver, at least in battle. She saved his life a number of times during the Shinobi Wars, and never backed down or hid... neven once." She smiled warmly. "Be honest and show her the respect that she deserves. Be patient with her and with yourself." She decided to leave things on a light note. "And don't listen to a single thing that Sai tells you."

"Sai!" Naruto felt as if his face was on fire. "Did you hear about-" He shut his mouth. There was no way that she could have known about Sai and the books. And, there was no way in hell that _he_ was going to tell her!

"I won't ask" the Hokage said in droll fashion. "You don't have to tell."

"Thank you," Naruto said, his breath coming out in a long whoooo-ooo-oo-osh. "Thank you very much. You're a good leader! No, a really really good leader! No, a great leader!"

"Shizune will find out for me later." Tsunade reached for a cup of tea and took a sip. She wasn't kidding. Sai had been through a great deal, thanks to Danzo and his cronies. The pyschiatric personnel of the medical staff were slowly reprogramming the young man, in hope that he could lead a semblance of a normal life. She and Shizune were keeping a close eye on his actions and interests.

"..." Naruto tangled his feet up when he got out of his chair too quickly. He had to windmill his arms to keep from faceplanting.

"So, now that we're done with _that _subject-" Tsunade nibbled at a fingernail. She was no Anko, but had a mischievous streak of her own. "Would this be a good time to talk about contraceptives?" She cringed when Naruto fell over. It was the dominoe effect. He hit a tall marble statue. The statue fell and hit an ornate pillar. The pillar struck a wood and silk partition. The partition scooted along the floor and undercut a plant stand. The plant stand dumped its contents out of a window and into a butterfly garden. An irate shout rang out. Ordelies ran outside to see if someone had been injured.

The Hokage hadn't been joking. Unless the boy added blanks to the wheel... or was shooting blanks... the topic needed to be reinforced.

"Unless the girl of your choice... or the girl chosen by fate... is on the Pill..." Tsunade went on to give a condensed and complete recital.

Naruto's ears rang for a good ten minutes after the Hokage finished.


	12. How About Hinata?

Naruto's hearing was back to normal by the time he approached the Hyuuga community.

The ringing sound may have gone away, but now he could hear the blood rush in his ears. His heart beat wildly in his chest. He felt like his shirt collar had tightened around his neck.

What should he do next? Walk up to Hyuuga Hiashi's estate? Ask him for permission to speak to his daughter? Explain what he was there to talk about, if he the clan head didn't suspect already? Scary! He could picture it, like a scene out of a black-and white movie:

A man stands at the gate of a creepy castle. A fog covers the moors, making it look like they were on another planet altogether. The stern-faced ruler of the fortifications calls out to his servants in a ringing and resonant voice:

"**RELEASE THE HOUNDS."**

Naruto jumped three feet into the air. Just as he had imagined someone calling out that deadly order, an actual pack of dogs ran past. It was Akamaru and a dozen normal-sized canines of various breeds. He was shocked twofold. First he had been caught between daydream and reality. Second, he had always assumed that Kiba was the big dog's only friend. But, a dog must need doggie friends, too.

"Geez," Naruto said. "I have to get something to eat soon." He felt his forehead. He didn't feel a fever. He had to keep from woolgathering like that! Focus. He had to focus. "What was I doing-"

Okay. Reality returned with a vengeance. He had to find Hinata. Find her and talk to her. Talk to her about a difficult subject. A difficult subject that would test his resolve like nothing ever had before.

"Maybe I should send someone to the house with a message for Hinata?" By that, he meant 'someone that might not be struck dead on sight.' Yes, he was being a touch over-dramatic. So what! It had a slight calming effect. "I could put a note on a kunai and throw it through her window." Right! Good thinking! "No... wait... I don't know which window is _hers._" He swallowed hard, his imagination heading down a crazy path. He pictured Hiashi, a kunai stuck deep in his butt crack, mobilizing the entire Hyuuga clan for a witch hunt. No. A fox hunt!

"What should I do?" Naruto said to no one in particular.

"What should you do about _what?" _That voice was familiar. Salvation had arrived. Hadn't it? "Or about _who?"_ It was Hinata.

"H-... Hin-... Hinata!" Nauto should be relived. He wouldn't have to step foot on the Hyuuga estates. But, he couldn't think of any way to break the ice. He couldn't say something brash and crude like "Hey, Hinata, you wanna f-ck.' It wasn't much better to say 'Hey, Hinata, do you mind if I choose you to be my lover.' His mind was spinning. That was bad. His senses were running wild. That was actually good. He smelled something scrumptious. He heard the sound of music, happy laughter, and crystal chiming against crystal. Looking past a befuddled Hinata, he spied a small bistro.

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata watched Naruto, wondering if something was wrong. She went stiff. Could it be he was here to tell her that... that... that...

"Hey! Hinata! Did you eat dinner yet?" Naruto was hungry, after all. And, it would give him a chance to ease into things. And, didn't guys buy dinner before they propositioned women? He was more polite than those lotharios. So, he should buy Hinata dinner before he talked to her about whether or not she wanted to be popositioned. Did that make sense? Whatever! It was a distraction that his uneasy mind clung to the way a drowning man clutches at a log.

"No," Hinata replied. "I haven't." Was he asking her to dine with him? Her knees got weak and her knees wobbled. Before she knew what happened, she found herself sitting on the cold stone.

"Are you alright?" Naruto helped the girl up. "Do you want to sit?"

"I-" Hinata forced herself to overcome her emotional weakness. "I would like-" She had to grab the brass ring! When had a chance like this come her way? Would she ever have another opportunity "I would like to eat." That was a small victory. She couldn't bring herself to say 'I would like to eat with you.' Baby steps. No. Giant steps. Not only that, she had forgotten about her concerns for a moment.

"Great!" Naruto smiled. He could do this. He could sit down in a comfortable environment. He could discuss things with her. All he had to do was to get the two of them to a table where they couldn't be overheard. "Have you ever eaten at that place?" He pointed at the bistro. The fancy painted sign out front read 'Kismet.' He had heard that word before, but couldn't place the meaning.

"Ummm... yes... yes I have." Hinata clutched her hands to her chest. She was going to eat dinner with Naruto! "There are no menus. The food is very simple and very good. The prices... the prices are..." She checked the small coin purse she carried in her hip pouch. Would she have enough money? "The prices are very reasonable."

"Good," Naruto said. "Don't worry about money. It's my treat!" It was the least he could do. He held up his frog purse. Froggie stayed pretty plump these days, seeing that Jiraiya was no longer around to pilfer it. "Let's do this." He cringed. That sounded as if they were heading off to battle. Or about to plunge a toilet or pull out a rotten tooth.

"Hai!" Hinata shocked herself. She didn't feel scared. She actually felt spritely! Well, for a few seconds anyway. "Ummm... okay... let's..."

The small brick building sat in the center of a wooded area dotted with small flower gardens. A wrought iron fence surrounded a lower open floor. Rose-covered trellises competed for space with elegant grape arbors. Large green fabric umbrellas rose from the center of simple metal tables. Ivy covered balconies hung from the front of the building. Winding staircases led up to those perches.

"Will it be just Mademoiselle and Monsieur this evening?" A thin man with slicked back hair and a long thing curled mustache walked up as the two ninjas entered the slate-covered patio. He has a long cloth draped over one arm.

"Yes," Naruto said. "Could we have a private table?"

"Certainly, Monsiuer. I understand. The young lady is certainly a prize to keep to yourself." The waiter's words had Hinata blushing. Naruto was busy trying to figure if the man was being polite, mocking, or inappropriate. He forced himself to calm down. "The inside tables are all taken. Will the balconies suffice? You'll be able to hear the conversations below you when the music is quiet. But, no one down here should be able to hear you."

"That will do just great!" Naruto had spoken too loudly. A number of people turned to see who had spoken. They immediately recognized him, and then began calling out greetings. Some of them, anyways. Others had immediately started gossiping. That put the two shinobi somewhat on edge. "I mean... that would be wonderful..."

When the two were seated, the witer took the table cloth from his arm, tossed it into a large circular shape, and defly placed it on the table. With a lightning quick motion, he removed those few creases that had formed. "I will let you know tonight's offerings." He described a number of slow-cooked and braised dishes. There would be complimentary bread, wine, and water. When he had their orders, he called for a busboy. The table needed a centerpiece, napkins, place settings, and refreshments.

A young employee rushed up the stairs, carrying an impossible number of items. When he finished his work, a pair of simple wax tapers burned next to a floral arrangement. The flowers were drooping. A few leaves fell to the tablecloth.

"Bistro is a word from the other world," Hinata managed to say. She could speak with Naruto. No. Not could. Would! "The name comes from a language called Russian. It means 'quickly'."

"I see-" Naruto nodded his head politely. He might not have to pull words out of Hinata with a pair of pliers after all. Taking a drink of water, he began choking. 'Quickly'. He knew what that word meant. But, there was a perverse corner of his mind that always seemed to say something that made him feel uncomfortable. That corner of his mind, which he called the gremlin, brought the word 'Quickie' to mind. "S-... Sorry..." It was going to be hard enough to find the courage to speak about sensitive issues. He didn't need to have his own subconscious add fuel to the fire.

After Hinata asked if Naruto was alright, she sat quietly. Was there something that Naruto wanted to talk about? She knocked over her water when her hand twitched. Her mind wasn't chained down. It had plenty of room to wander.

"We're a couple of klutzes, _aren't_ we?" Naruto forced a laugh. He pinched himself in a leg. If had to play this like a shogi game, that was alright. But he had to play! It was his duty. He remembered what Tsunade had said about being a leader. "But there's nothing wrong with _that,_ right!" That would put her at ease. 'They should encourage the people working under them.' That was an appropriate quote to remember. Good going! "We're good people." The echo in the far reaches of his mind was _not_ appropriate. Hinata working under him. Hinata under him. Hinata...

"Naruto-kun-" Hinata had her hand at her mouth.

"I'm Okay!" Naruto had unwrapped his utensils from a napkin. He had been lifting out a knife when his thoughts shocked him. He had brought the blade down unawares. It quivered in the table bewteen the fingers of his outstretched had. "We're good people. Right. I already said that." He took a deep breath. "I asked you here..." He had steeled himself. He would be considerate and direct. He opened his mouth to speak.

"We need to change the flowers." That was one of two hired musicians. One played a piano at the right-sided corner of the patio. The other played a pipe organ at the other end. "I'll put my roses on your piano." One man carried a ceramic jug filled with blossoms.

"And I'll put my tulips on your organ." The other unseen man carried a crysal vase.

"..." Naruto froze. Tulips. Organ. My two lips on your organ. Good gracious! That sounded wrong. "I... I... I want to show you this..." He took the tarot card off from around his neck and handed it to Hinata. He felt llike a coward, deviating from his intended topic.

"The Wheel of Fortune," Hinata said. "What does _this_ mean?"

Naruto told her what Anko had said. He very certainly did not tell her what she had _done._ They spoke a while about the ramifications. Feeling the butterflies in his stomach lesson, he talked about Shikamaru and the things that he had spoken about. Naruto was feeling more confident when he was done. After putting the card back around his neck, he made ready. No guts, no glory. He convinced himself that he was doing a good thing, and that he was helping Hinata. His Ninja Way!

"Are things to your liking?' The waiter had returned, carrying a silver tray with two tall glasses. "The owner asked me to bring you these." The elegant stemware held bright-colored punch over ice, with fresh fruit on top. Hinata took out a maraschino cherry and placed it on the tray. That prompted the man to ask Naruto "Would the gentleman be interested in the young lady's cherry."

"**Gurk!"** Naruto swallowed an ice cube. He created clones to hit him on the back, and to perform the Heimlich maneuver if necessary. **"Gah!"** Once again, his mind had turned an innocent inquirity into something tawdry and trite.

After the stricken waiter looked after Naruto, he spied the centerpice. One eyebrow twitched. He pictured a particular busboy roasting slowly over the fires of hell. "I must apologize. This just will not do. Don't worry, I will fix things." He called own to a more relaible employee. "Éduardo! Table Twelve needs deflowering!"

"O!" Naruto had been trying to butter a fresh roll that the waiter had brough with him. When he heard 'deflowering,' he jerked. The slab of yellow goodness flew over the balcony. It slid down the front of a lovely ladies dress. 'Deflowering' was a made-up term at the bistro, referring to the repalcement of a centerpiece past its prime. Deflowering in the dictionary means something altogether more earthy.

When the waiter and Eduardo had finished their tasks, the two men left to serve other customers. Naruto berated himself silently as he looked over at Hinata. Luckily, she didn't seem upset or unhappy. At least, not yet. He had to get a grip. "People sometimes handle small problems with less courage than they do big problems." He had whispered that. But, the noise in the restauarant had bottomed out momentarily. Hinata heard him.

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata had heard his muttering. She also heard a boucing and ringing sound. Looking over the balcony, she noticed a stampede of coins rolling across the slate floor. The were falling from the hands of a man who had been trying to feed a large glowing juke box. She brought her attention back to her meal. "These are good." She began nibbling daintily on a crusty roll.

"I-" Naruto blinked. Hinata looked impossibly cute, biting into her bread that way. "I wanted to talk to you about ceratin things. It-" The first song started.

_I don't care where I go_

_When I'm with you_

_When I cry you don't laugh_

_'Cause you know me_

Naruto drew a slight bit of strength from hearing the lyrics. Hinata was considerate. She was kind. She was putting up with his emotional and mental clumsiness as much as she was overlooking his physical foibles. "I have done a great deal of thinking and-"

_I'm in you, you're in me_

_I'm in you, you're in me_

_'Cause you gave me the love_

_Love that I never had_

_Yes, you gave me the love_

_Love that I never had_

Was this some kind of cosmic joke! Did someone think it was funny, the way that he was being bombarded by innuendo? 'I'm in you?' Holy crap! He looked up at the sky and fought the urge to thumb his nose or shake his fist. Just the same, while the happenstance might be fate or fiction-writing, his reactions were his own. What had one of the resurrected men said? 'A man who misses his opportunity and a monkey who misses his branch, cannot be saved'. He also remembered something else, something unrelated. It was something that Ino had told him: 'Listening is more than just hearing words and paying attention. You have to hear what the other person is trying to tell you overall, in her context. You have to hear what she is saying deep inside. And, you have to be able to listen to your own inner voice.' He couldn't listen to Hinata's word if she didn't say anything. How could she say anything, if he couldn't get the subject started? He wished that he could put a gag on his inner voice until he could get it under control! One deep breath. Let it out. Another deep breath. Hold it longer, let it out slower. He was successful. He heard the following lyrics and was not flustered one tiny bit:

_You and I don't pretend_

_We make love_

_I can't feel anymore_

_Than I'm singing, yeah_

"Some _Hors_ d'œuvres, Madame?" The waiter placed a chian plate on the table in front of Hinata. It held escargot, split figs, asparagus, and oysters on the half-shell.

"Yes please," Hinata said politely.

Naruto followeed suit, feeling a bit oafish and uncultured. He hadn't ever eaten any of those foods before. He shook his head subtly. He would not think about slugs, looking at those big snails. He would not think about Sakura. Hinata was the top person on his list now. He had to find out how she felt, or he couldn't risk naming her. "I have done a great deal of thinking and-"

"Look, Harold. They're all aphrodisiacs!" A silver-haired woman carrying an overly large purse and draped with costume jewelry walked past a prep table on the patio, looking at the appetizers earmarked for different tables. "We have to get some of those, too. By the wheelbarrow full." She spoke to her husband, a shrunken and shriveled man wearing checkered golf pants and a floursecent tweed jacket. "After all... at your age... it's like trying to shoot pool with a rope!"

"Be nice, Missus." The hen-pecked old-timer followed in his immense wife's wake.

"This is too much!" Naruto had spoken loudly again. He felt sheepish when Hinata looked at him with worried eyes. "I mean... if I eat all of these... I won't have any room for dinner." He tried to chuckle unsuccessfully. He then stared transfixed. The flame from the candle in front of Hinata reflected off of her white eyes. It looked as if a fire burnt inside her. But, this was not one of those anime. She definitely was not burning with lust. Not Hinata. In other animes, that look might mean that she was angry enough to explode! She probably wasn't. But, she had a right to be. He was a bumbling idiot!

"Is something bothering you, Naruto-kun." Hinata dabbed at the corner of her mouth with a napkin. "I know how much you've been through."

"It's-" Naruto took another deep breath and let it out. He could respond to that question honestly. "Yes. But, I'm not worried about myself so much. I feel sorry for everyone else who has been dragged into this." He sighed. "I'm really sorry, Hinata. I'm the reason that you were forced to participate in that show."

"It's not your fault, Naruto-kun. You don't get to write the script." Hinata wondered why Naruto jerked so suddenly. "But... you know... there's another way to look at things..." She rubbed her fingers together. It was hard, saying something like this. "They named the manga after you. The author chose you as the lead character. That just shows how wonderful you are." She blushed redder than the wine in her wine cup.

"Thank you," Naruto said, feeling embarrassed. A girl had been complimentary. But, she hadn't been like those groupies and thrill-seekers that had pestered him at the big event. He thought back to the parade of contestants. That's where his conscious thinking stopped. "You were pretty wonderful, too. I couldn't believe how good you looked in that bathing suit." He stood up abruptly. "Hinata!"

Hinata had passed out. Naruto rushed over to help her, as had a serving girl who had witnessed her fall. When she came to, she apologized and said that there was no reason for her to go home and lay down.

"I'm sorry-" Naruto told her that _he_ should be the one to apologize. "That slipped out. It was very rude. You deserve better."

"It's alright." Hinata blushed again. "And... well... you know..." She started to fall backward again. The serving girl, having finsished placing salad in Hinata's bowl, propped her up. She used vinegar as smelling salts and helped keep the younger girl conscious. "I-" Hinata wasn't going to stop. She wanted to say this. "I like that you like... I mean... it was nice that you think I look good." Her face felt as if it were on fire. "I'm glad that you noticed me."

"It was easy," Naruto said. He blushed this time. He almost sounded like a player. But, their shared admissions had changed the mood nicely. The simultaneous change in the weather wasn't quite as nice. Stiif gusts of winds occasionally blew through the restaurant, rustling the shrubbery, causing the table cloths to flap, launching stray napkins off of tables. "Here. I'll come out and say it. I think that we should talk about-"

"Hey! Eduardo! Umberto! Alessandro! The umbrellas!" The bistro owner was a short bald man with an immaculate white suit. "Close the ones that are open. Put the lose ones into tables before they blow away." A number of employees rushed to do his bidding. The empty tables didn't have umbrellas. The unused umbrellas leaned against the building, and threated to become weapons of mass destruction if they weren't clamped down.

"Oi!" The clumsiest of the busboys tried to force one umbrella into the table sheath at an awkward angle, using way too much force. He picked up a crab mallet and started banging away on the aluminum shaft.

"Non! Non! You numbskull!" Naruto and Hinata's waiter rushed to scold the busboys. "Be gentle. It fits in just right. Slide it in naturally. Don't just hammer it in!" Fortunately, the wind died down as quickly as it had picked up.

"..." Naruto kept himself from cursing. Why was he having so much difficulty? He had sat through lectures on sex education. He had also snuck into watch some of the porno films that Jiraiya frequented, when the Sannin had lied about heading out to gather research for his next book. Then again, maybe the old deviant hadn't been lying. Either way, it wasn't sex education that he was lacking. Rather, it was intimacy education.

He was embarrassed and ashamed. He felt awkward and afraid. He had to break the silence, but he had to do it without bravado. "I've never really talked to anyone like this before," Naruto admitted. "But it's important that I do it now. It's important that I talk to _you_ in particular."

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata began trembling. Was he going to talk about 'the' subject? She felt herself growing lightheaded. Part of her wanted to get up and go home before her childhood view of Naruto was shattered forever. No. If this was hard for her, it was probably hard for him too. He was having a tough time, but he hadn't quit. She wouldn't quit, either. And, maybe he really did have something different to discuss. Maybe he wanted her advice.

"Here we go." The waiter had returned with their meal. He placed a a steaming tureen of lentil soup in front of Hinata and added ground pepper at her request. He set a hearty meat and vegetable stew in front of Naruto. "Ah. Let me take care of that." He took out a matchbox, removed a wooden match, and struck it on a rough strip. He relit the candles that had been blown out by the wind. "But... I bet the lady and the gentleman need no help in getting their fires burning..." He twisted the end of his mustache.

"I-" Hinata blushed again. This was almost like a date. Well, it was the closest thing for her. The whole idea of passion had her feeling like she was sitting on pins and needles. She certainly had desire deep down inside, but it frightened and confused her. Like so many things, there were a list of do's and don'ts that had been handed down by the Hyuuga retainers. Her mother had passed on. Her father wouldn't bother talking about social mores.

"We really aren't-" Naruto was going to say that he and Hinata really weren't a couple. That's what made this more difficult. Maybe he should reverse his order. Should he talk to her about potentially becoming a couple, and then slip the big subject on her so to speak? No. That would feel too much like bribery or pandering.

"Before I forget-" The waiter refilled their water glasses from the pitcher the busboy left tableside. "Would Mademoiselle like to get the bone?" He wondered why the boy looked shocked and angry. Had he wanted the doggie bag? No. More likely than not, the randy lad must feel that someone was intruding on their intimate moment!

"B-... Bo-... Bone..." Not every euphemism was lost on Hinata. She was turning pale again. There was no serving girl to catch her this time.

"Indeed," the waiter said cheerfully. "Does Mademoisselle perhaps have pets at home. Your soup was made from a wonderful bone. I could place it in a bag for you to take home, if you like."

"N-... No... No thank you." Hinata calmed her mind. There were indeed dogs on the estate, but she didn't want to deal with the bone right now. "So... Naruto-kun... you wanted to talk about something..."

"Yes," Naruto said. He began to think that Hinata knew what he wanted to discuss. For the shy and retiring girl to sit their strongly really moved him, especially seeing how he had been tossed about like a cork on ocean waves. She trusted him. She must have very strong moral character. She must be very honorable. "I wanted to talk about the situation I find myself in. I wanted to speak to you about-" Once again, the figurative gremlin in his mind tossed a monkey wrench into his mental machinery. He remembered another thing that he had heard from an ancient dignitary resurrected by the enforcer: I knew a woman who offered her honor... so I honored her offer... and all night long I was on her and off her'. He bit his tongue, and lied. "I wanted to talk about morals."

"Morals?" Hinata looked baffled. Had she been mistaken all along? She eyed Naruto critically, seeing him look less composed than ever.

"Yes. Morals. You know." Naruto felt craven. But, if he took time to talk about morals, the subject matter might help him say things that he _did_ need to say. "If I become Hokage some day, my morals will be very important. If I take the Third choice-" He went on to describe his choices in more detail. "If I chose that one, I can write-in whatever morals I want to have. And-" He would be skirting very close to his true topic now. "Well... if I am going to choose who I... you know... I should be very moral in _that _choice, too."

"..." Hinata was only able to nod her head. She was certain, now. But, she would play along. It was her nature, and Naruto obviously was having a harder time than she was.

"So. Morals. I should be caring and compassionate and benevolent." Naruto felt that he was those things. "Right?"

"Ummm-" Hinata sounded very quiet, but she got her words out. "Yes."

"And," Naruto added. "I should do my Civic Duty."

"Right." Hinata spoke a little louder. She took a taste of her soup. It was wonderful. Neither she nor Naruto had eaten more than a few bites that evening. "You... you should do that..."

"Don't forget Courage!" Naruto blurted that out. Somehow, he didn't feel all that courageous right now. "Willingness to sacrifice. Maintaining Self Control!" That too was ironic. He was grasping the table cloth without knowing it, pulling the contents of the table perilously close to edge.

"Being Just and Fair," Hinata said. She subtly grasped the table cloth, withstood Naruto's pull, and then put things back into place when the other ninja realized what he was doing. "Being Cooperative. Being Perseverant and Diligent." She actually managed a shy smile. Both of them were perservering and diligent.

"That's right!" Naruto felt his spirits rise. "That's my Ninja Way! Yours too, right!" He smiled too. "Keeping promises. Doing no harm. Taking personal responsibility." The smile vanished. He took a drink from his wine glass. Maybe that would help him feel more at ease. The drink spilled out of the corner of his mouth and splattered on his pants.

"Keeping promises," Hinata said. She decided to try some wine, too. She didn't spill a single drop. "Having empathy. Pursuing excellence." This was her turn to be an example for Naruto. She looked across the table and was able to meet his eyes. Wordlessly she held that gaze. On the inside, she fought a titanic struggle. On the outside, she seemed as calm as a summer breeze. "Taking pride in your work."

"Benefitting others," Naruto said. He had taken note of Hinata's efforts subconsciously. He looked at her for a few moments before speaking again. She had certainly touched his heart somehow, but he wasn't certain exactly how. She really _might _be someone he could like. Memories from the day of his fight with Neji flooded into his mind. He shook them off. "Having respect for others."

"Having patience." Hinata took another sip of wine. Patience was the story of her life. "Being forgiving." It was difficult for her, forgiving her father. But, she was working on it. For his part, her father now saw her as stronger, but she still wanted to be cared for as a daughter, not as a potential Heir. "Making peace."

"Having integrity." Naruto felt ashamed. He had to stop giving into his fears and discomfort. "Being honest... truthful... trustworthy." He swallowed hard. "I guess I should have done _that_ from the beginning. Being honest, I mean. I... I've been dancing around an issue..." He looked over the railing. A number of couples were promenading around a small parquet dance floor down below. "I guess I was scared." It was hard admitting that to a girl. "Scared, and worried about how you would react."

"I know." Hinata had trouble getting her words out. "I think... I think I know what you want to talk about..." Unknowing, she placed a spread hand over the small amount of cleavage that her blouse showed. Today had been a day off, and she had enjoyed walking trough the village gardens, gathering flowers for the Clinic and the Geriatric Facilities in a less cumbersome style of clothing. "I'm scared too, Naruto-kun. But... because you care about my feelings... I think I can do anything..." She got wobbly again. "I mean... I mean that... I mean that I think I can _talk_ about anything..." It was easier to be brave in her head than it was to be brave in her heart.

The two of them sat silently for what seemed like an eternity. They both tried to speak at once, and then went silent again. A few minutes later they spoke up at the same time again, and stopped, wanting to be polite and let the other start first.

"We're a couple of ninnies, _aren't_ we Naruto-kun?" Hinata couldn't help but smile.

"Yes," Naruto said. "I suppose so." He made a face. "A guy doesn't want to be called a ninny, though. That's a silly word." His facial expression was soft, despite his hasrh tone. "But... well... you sounded so cute when you said it..." He smiled, too. "Just don't tell anyone I said that!"

"Hai!" Hinata enjoyed seeing the playful side of Naruto. It was especially wondrous that he was being playful with _her._

"There's something I should tell you," Naruto said. This was a roundabout way to go, butwould end up at the same general place. "I visited the Mountain of the Toads today." He described a majority of his visit to Mount Myoboku. Hinata giggled when he told her about painting the Great Sage. "His first prophecy came true." He went into detail about that. "He gave me a new one. I would have to deal with a girl with a grip like an octopus." When he mentioned Anko's name after that, he heard a number of people choking, followed by others spitting out their drinks or soup. He hadn't spoken loudly. That name just seemed to carry. "He also said that I would... he said that... you might want to tie yourself to your chair..."

"He said that I would tie myself down?" Hinata looked puzzled.

"No," Naruto said. "I'm saying that. Because of what he said." Stop pussyfooting around! "He said that I would copulate with a girl with powerful eyes."

"I see." That was all that Hinata said for a couple of minutes. "Then... I suppose... if it's going to happen no matter what... then it should be simpler to accept." Tears came to her eyes. She wiped them away. "It's not what I dreamed of..."

"Hey! Hey Hinata!" Naruto couldn't stand seeing a girl cry. "It doesn't have to be that way! The writer won't force me to follow the prophecy." Once again, he went over the choices that he had been given. This time, Hinata took them closer to heart. "I can do a lot of things if I take the Third option. But I didn't... I don't... I wouldn't want to choose a girl who didn't want to... you know... with me..."

"This isn't what you want, Naruto-kun." Hinata felt tears well up again, this time for the boy that meant the world to her. Why did these things always happen to him? Then again, he had the habit of turning them to everyone's advantage, "But if you have to.. and you need someone else to... if it were my duty..."

"Duty isn't everything, Hinata," Naruto said. "Someone told me recently, that a person shouldn't be too moral. That person will miss out on important things. I suppose they may also ruin special moments." He found himself twiddling his fingers the way that Hinata often did. "He said that people should aim above morality. They shouldn't simply be good. They should be good for something." He sighed. "If something like this would ruin your dreams..."

"My dreams?" Hinata bowed her head. "I've never really expected my dreams to come true." She couldn't look him in the face. "I guess... well... I suppose that I haven't really thought much about my own needs."

"I heard another thing," Naruto said solemnly. "Decisions become easier when your will to please others outweighs your will to please yourself." He scratched his cheek. "I don't know if that counts... if you don't care much about yourself. It would seem too easy that way." He nodded his head. He knew what to say next. It felt right. "You've done a great job, dedicating yourself to being a ninja. I'm told that you fought bravely during the War. I think that it's time that you look in the another direction, now. You should look inside. I think that you'll find something great there, too."

"That sounds like my cue!" A man stepped out from behind a large potted shrub. Neither Naruto nor Hinata had known he was there. They also had no idea how long he might have been present or how much he might have overheard.

"Who the hell are _you?"_ Naruto felt as if he had been caught doing something naughty at first, but soon felt his anger and indignation growing. He had entered the scene at the absolutely worst possible moment.

"Wh-Why..." Hinata couldn't formulate a question. She felt her heart pounding when she wondered if the man might be a spy working for the Hyuugas. But, she calmed herself thinking that anything the man might say to others would be forgotten, once Naruto's choice was made.

"Who and why," the man said. He had been wearing a generic three piece suit done up in the blandest earth tone colors known to man. But, he now threw a white lab coat around himself, looking like a fake physician from an informercial. "My name is Oliver Clothesoff. I'm a good friend of someone you know... and... I heard you tell the lovely young lady that she should look inside. I think you _both_ should think about her inside." He reached behind the shrubbery, pulled out a briefcase, a tripod, and a number of large cardboard sales props made from enlarged magazine ads.

"_Who_ do I know," Naruto asked. He thought about calling the waiter, but his curiosity took over.

"Guren," Oliver said. "The gorgeous girl from Otogakure, the one with the _Crystal Release_ techniques."

"You know _her?"_ Naruto thought of the filler episode that dealt with the Three-Tailed Giant Turtle. "Do you know Yukimaru, too?" He looked over at Hinata. Guren had encased Hinata in crystal and kidnapped her when the former wrong-doer fought Team Kurenai. When Team Yamato had arrived, Hinata was freed unharmed. He wondered if she held a grudge.

"Do I know Yukimaru?" Oliver smiled, emitting a Guy-like ping. "_Everybody_ at K-Y knows Yukimaru." You might say that the oily salesman was lying through his teeth. "We took one of our slogans from him: 'K-Y... it gives you the ability to synergize with a Tailed Beast'." He chuckled and gave Hinata a lewd look.

"K-" Hinata felt as if there were insects crawling on her arm. There weren't any, but she checked just the same. Shino sometimes placed chakra bugs on her to keep track of her location. "K-Y?"

"It stands for _Konoha-Yugakure_, beautiful." The salesman pointed to one of his displays. "It's a brand name, and a famous one to boot! These ads run in the most prestigious magazines." The one ad in question showed a couple sharing mixed drinks, smiling. The man put another ad on the tripod, one depicting a couple dancing. "K-Y. We've got couples covered."

"Covered?" Naruto noticed a small lotus shape at the bottom corner of each ad. Maybe there was some connection to Guren after all. He relaxed a little. She had been an enemy at first, but had changed sides in the end. "Do you work for a clothing company?"

"Heavens no, you lucky boy." Oliver oozed with envy. "At K-Y, we've been making quality personal lubricants and intimacy enhancement products for all kinds of duos, twosomes, and pairs. Your pleasure is our business, and we're proud to be the leading brand trusted by couples all over the world."

"In... Intimacy..." Hinata looked like she was close to toppling out of her seat again. "Pl-... Pl-... Pleasure..."

"That's right, lovely lady." Oliver put up an ad illustrating various products. "From personal lubricants to arousal enhancers, we make a diverse range of products to satisfy your every intimate need. K-Y is the number-one doctor recommended brand. Ask me how I can make your night special!"

"Ask me how I can kick your ass!" Naruto stood up. He began working hand seals.

"Wait... wait..." Oliver reached under his coat, pulled out a number of different bottles, and cradled them in the crux of one arm. How had they all fit under there? "I understand the burning desire of youth... and I understand that fear and uncertainty that walk hand in hand. But... if you truly want the best for your partner... you'll hear me out!"

"_Mmm-mm-m_." Naruto's noise sounded more like growling than musing, but he stilled his hands just the same. He did indeed want to be good to his partner, whomever she might be. But, soon enough, he thought about the nature of the products and wanted to keep Hinata from being embarrassed. He would have worked the seals again, but the sneaky salesman was busy shaking his hand and praising him as a considerate young man.

"There's always a way to save at K-Y," Oliver said. "Our special offers make it easy to try something new, or stock up on your favorite products." He rolled a white bottle of K-Y _Sensitive Lubricant_ down his arm and put it on the table. "Smooth quality lubricants to make intimacy more pleasurable."

"L-L-L-" Hinata grasped the edge of the table tightly.

"Body products to add feeling, flavor, and fun." The salesman put a red bottle of K-Y _Yours Plus Mine Kissable Sensations_ on the table.

"Fl-Fl-Fl-" Hinata's eyes looked like they were spinning. If the man had added a spiel about foreplay and massage, she would have blacked out then and there.

"Arousal is at your fingertips!" Oliver placed a small multi-color bottle next to the others. "K-Y _Intense._ A uniquely formulated arousal gel that has women saying 'it makes sex more satisfying'. _Intense_ is not a lubricant, but a gel to be massaged on the clitoris to increase sensitivity, heightening the feeling of pleasure during climax. Seventy-five percent of women in consumer-use studies who used K-Y Brand _Intense_-" He never had the chance to finish.

"S-" Hinata couldn't say 'sex' or 'satisfying'. She slumped over in her chair.

"**THAT'S IT!"** Naruto pulled his hand free, feeling a need to run to the nearest Men's Room and wash it. He worked the seals and called up a number of shadow clones. "Treat this jerk with extreme prejudice!" The bunshin smiled nasty smiles. Their eyes were intense.

"That's my cue to move on!" The slippery sales guy squeezed the contents of the bottles at the feet of the shadow clones. That had them momentarily losing their footing, allowing the man to leap over the balcony railing and disappear into the dark wooded area. A voice growing ever fainter called out "In addition to finding these product online at K-Y Shop Direct dot com, you can also purchase them at a number of pharmacies, wholesale clubs, and specialty stores across the nation!"

The bistro owner made it a point to visit with Naruto and Hinata after that. He apologized for letting the salesman sneak into the restaurant, and gave them each a certificate for a free meal in the future.

"Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?" Naruto had calmed down. "I was saying-" He thought hard while taking a deep sniff. The waiter had sent a clean-up crew to the balcony and they had removed the mess. The floor now had the smell of lemony goodness. "Right! I was saying that you should look inside. I think that you'll find something great there, too."

"I-" Hinata looked up and met Naruto's eyes. He was praising her. He was offering her encouragement. He hadn't been forced into that. It was his own free will. "But... it's not..."

"Easy?" Naruto smiled. His life hadn't exactly been easy. But, when he stopped expecting it to be, that was when things had become simpler to overcome. "No. I guess not. But, you know, it's not a cliché. Anything worth having..."

"Is worth working for." Hinata nodded her head. She was startled when Naruto stood up abruptly. Was he finished? He wasn't going to leave, _was_ he? Nothing had been resolved, one way or another. Or, had he made his choice? Her opinion wasn't necessary any more? Her emotional high threatened to swan dive into a low.

"If someone like me can care about myself-" Naruto struck a pose like a hero from the sagas. "Even back when everybody else in the village hated me!" He met Hinata's gaze. "Everyone except a certain girl, that is-" He created a group of clones. They bowed before him, offering the paragon their worship. One broke off a rose blossom from the flower arrangement and walked it over to Hinata who smelled it. "If I could care about myself then... _anyone _should be able to care about themselves now!" He sat back down. The bunshin popped and vanished. "Especially if that girl has people who care about her."

Hinata found herself smiling warmly, her heart pounding. The world seemed to narrow down to Naruto and herself only. He was so kind, and he could be so funny. It was terribly sweet, the way that he was concerned about her.

"So, Hinata." Naruto picked at a loose verbal thread. "What exactly _are _your dreams." He took a sip of water. His throat felt dry agin. "I mean... your dreams about relationships..." Was he being too personal? How could he be? This whole situation was way beyond personal!

"I-" Hinata hadn't talked much about how she felt, not even with Kurenai and the other kunoichi. But, she had spent endless hours dreaming and fantasizing. "You know-" How could she put it into words. "I used to dream I was a princess. I dreamed that there was a knight in shining armor. That kind of thing."

"I see-" Naruto pursed his lips. Was that what _all_ girls dreamed about? Too many of his early impressions of women had come from anime, or from the hidden stash of pornography that Ero-Sennin has spackled into various hidey-holes. That had never felt right. He had known better. But, he had never really taken time to dream about relationships, himself. There always seemed to be bigger goals or crises to focus on. It would be nice, if a girl could teach him the right way. A girl with a backbone, as well as a softer side.

"But... you know... that was just a fairy tale." Hinata nibbled at one finger, stopping when she realized what she was doing. "Shino told me, many times a girl's knight in shining armor turns out to be a retard in tin foil." She didn't like that word, retard. "And, Kiba told me that a damsel in distress isn't so great."

"Right! I heard him say something about that before." He thought a moment and snapped his fingers. "Rescuing a damsel in distress is like feeding a stray dog! Do it once, and you'll never get rid of it!" He flinched. "I'm not saying you're a damsel or a dog! I don't want to step on your dream."

"It's okay, Naruto-kun. I dreamed about someone coming to my rescue. But, I know that it's better if I can take care of myself." She nodded her head. "A man doesn't want a woman who always seems to lock herself up in a tower, hiding from some dragon or ogre that she needs rescuing from. Right?"

"I guess it depends on the man," Naruto mused. "I suppose I might like a girlfiend who could stand on her own two feet and slay her own dragons. One who wouldn't feel ashamed or afraid to ask me for help when she really needed it." He thought a moment more. "You're not really a damsel like that, _are_ you Hinata." That was more statement than question. "You wanted to be rescued in a romantic way. You wanted to be someoone who was worthy enough to rescue." He felt close to her at that moment. They did share something, after all. "You wanted to be accepted for who you were."

"Yes," Hinata admitted. "But... while I wanted to be accepted by everyone... I especially wanted-" She looked down in her lap again, but soon gathered up her courage and looked Naruto in the eyes. She couldn't get the words out, but the look on her face said everything that needed to be said.

"I feel kind of embarrassed," Naruto said. Having been read the riot act by the Hokage, he was no longer cluless about the way that Hinata felt. "I never really felt... loveable." He thought back a number of months. "I was really surprised... the way that the whole village welcomed me home... after I defeated Pain." He also told her how he had been touched, meeting the chakra constructs that had originated from his parents. "So... since I really don't know a lot about love... except for love for my friends and the general good wishes I have for everyone... could you let me know what _you_ think about it?"

"I... I've never had a boyfriend..." Hinata felt very shy right then. "I've never even held hands with anyone..." She clasped her hands together. "The biggest things that I had ever done was hide behind a pillar and tell someone that they were a proud faiulure." She smiled, seeing Naruto's reaction. "That, and jump into a hopeless battle-" She didn't need to bring up Pain's name again. "Otherwise, I simply kept my thoughts to myself, wondering how things might be."

"That's okay," Naruto said. "That's more than I ever did." He made mention of the time that he had disguised himself as Sasuke and tried to get a kiss from Sakura. "That was my biggest moment. Before I got so caught up with things."

"I was very upset when Sakura was added to Team Seven, that time at the Academy," Hinata said. "I wanted to be on a team with you."

"You must have been the only girl who didn't have the hots for Sasuke!" Naruto smiled. "I never knew that you were so smart!"

"Sasukes's not so hot," Hinata said with a drawl. It was a toss-up who was more surprised by that nascent bit of humor, her or her companion.

"Hah!" Naruto slapped his hand on the table top, causing his bowl to jump. He pointed at Hinata and laughed. "You rock!" That sounded a bit goofy, but it was from the heart. "So... about love..." It was important to hear what she might say. Not only for his personal edification, but also to factor into his decision making.

"I suppose I may think_ too_ much," Hinata admitted. "Especially for a shy girl that no one thinks about romantically." She sat straighter. She didn't call herself a shy dark weirdo. She didn't need to sound needy or whiny. "Love something that other girls always seemed to need. It didn't make a lot of sense, at first. Those girls all seemed to want to be with the boys who were the most handsome. The boys all seemed to want the girls who were the most pretty. It was like watching a picture show. Cinderella. Prince Charming. Stories like those. But that's not really love. That's infatuation." She didn't say that she had started off infatuated with him. No, she was probably _still_ partly infatuated. She was wise enough to know the difference. She was also clever enough to know that there was a component of love, too.

"You're right!" Naruto looked at his own past in that light. His feelings for Sakura had been infatuation in the beginning. Had they changed into something else? Sakura's feelings for Sasuke had started off that way, too. "And-"

"I think that infatuation is just a feeling," Hinata said. "I think love needs a commitment. Infatuation means emotion. Love means devotion."

"You rap better than Bee!" Naruto was trying to make a funny. But, his joke fell flat on its face. Hinata gave him a 'can I continue' look that nearly floored him. Her? Giving a look like _that? _There was certainly more than met the eye.

"I think that infatuation is something you fall into," Hinata opined. "Love... I think that love is something that you grow into. The... ummm... phys-... the physical attraction is infatuation. Learning to know everything about a person is love. I think that infatuation is more worried about getting something." Hinata froze. That had her thinking of the phrase 'getting some' that she often heard Kiba and Shino banter about.

Naruto sat quietly. He wouldn't try to fill the void with a joke. He wouldn't take over speaking for Hinata, to help save her from a moment of embarrassment. He had begun to see just how strong she might be.

"Infatuation is worried about getting something," Hinata said. "Love is concerned about giving instead of getting. Love is undelfish. Love wants the best for the other person." She sighed. "Infatuation gets weaker and weaker when the two people are apart. And, when the people are separated, there isn't any pain." She put a hand to her chest. She could remember how she had felt, when Naruto had left the village in the care of Jiraiya, "When people are truly in love, separation causes them pain."

"That all makes sense," Naruto said. "You really _are_ smart, Hinata. Smart with a great heart."

"You rap better than Bee, too." Hinata smiled. It was a small confident smile.

"Sure! Great! It's OK if _you _say it!" Naruto grinned It felt really good to grin like that. For a wonderful moment, the issues at hand were forgotten. "What _else_ do you think about love?" The two of them developed a slight appetite and started in on their main courses.

"I-..." Hinata bit her lip. "I want to say what I think, but I don't want to sound like a text book."

"No! You don't!" Naruto had blurted that out, thinking about the one book that Sai had talked about, and the other book that the ninja had actually shown him. "I mean, don't worry about that. It's the ideas that count, not the delivery. Kind of like my fight with Kiba." He laughed when Hinata blushed. "I won that one. That was my chance to show people that I wasn't just some loser. And, don't forget your fight with Neji. You did what you wanted to do. You did what you felt you needed to do. That was more important than winning just to impress someone." He gave her a thumbs up. "You really impressed me, even though you lost."

Hinata smiled. She had prayed for a chance to open her heart to Naruto. While there was no way that she could have dreamed up this situation, it was the opportunity that mattered. "I think that love should be patient," she said. "Love doesn't push at things, trying to make a relationship grow faster." She sighed. "Loves grows at a pace that is good for _both_ parties."

Naruto watched, a small feeling of awe growing in his belly. Hinata seemed to be at total peace with her vision. That made a huge impression on him.

"Love should be kind," Hinata added. "It should respect both person's feelings and emotions. People in love should listen to one another. They should make their partner feel as if his or her words truly matter."

Naruto nodded his head, Hinata's words reinforced something that Ino had said. But, the message sounded more powerful, spoken in such pure and innocent terms.

"Love should never be jealous," Hinata continued. "Both partners should have a mature heart. They shouldn't feel insecure. No one should think they own the other. They shouldn't feel possessive." She looked at Naruto, wanting to make a point. He hadn't always been the most mature ninja in Konoha. "I don't think love has anything to do with bragging."

"Huh?" Naruto made a face. Was Hinata implying smething. Wait! Saying that took balls. Well, not literally. But, for someone who might worry desperately what he thought of her, she had risked his displeasure to make a point. Good girl! "I hear you!" He felt vindicated saying that. What's more, it allowed him a chance to try out one of Granny Tsunade's tricks. Repeat and rephrase. "Being in love doen't mean that you have to be a windbag. You don't have to brag to impress a girl. And, if you are truly in love, you don't need to brag about it with all of your friends."

"**Hai!"** Hinata shocked herself with her level of excitement. But, it had been wonderful seeing that Naruto thought in that manner, and that he took what she was saying seriously. "Like you said, love also isn't arrogant. And, no one should ever act in a way that says 'You should just be happy that someone like me is paying attention to you'." Naruto would never act that way. She was certain of that.

"Someone would have to be a jerk to act like that!" Naruto found himself feeling indignant and angry. He blushed, but felt good when Hinata smiled and gave him a wink. She had winked at him! Hyuuga Hinata had winked. What was the world coming to? He didn't know... but he did realize that he wanted to find out.

"Ummm-" Hinata was taken aback, too. That had almost been bold, that wink. But, it was alright. It hadn't been any kind of come on. "Love should... _hmmm-mm-m_... how should I say this." She pushed at one of her dangling earrings as she pondered. That had Naruto smiling inside. She was obviously deep in thought. But, she was also comfortable in his presence. "Love keeps things secret. But not in a bad way. It doesn't talk about the other person's faults or mistakes. And... and you know... a person loves the other person even if he or she isn't perfect."

"Like me." Naruto bowed his head. "I wish!" He certainly had his share of flaws. He had once worried that he wouldn't ever be able to have a significant other because of that. But, he felt much better now.

"You're just fine, Naruto-kun." The way that Hinata said that came across very sweet. It had Naruto feeling better for hearing it, and Hinata feeling better for saying it. "You never give up. And love should never give up. Real love can survive trials and tribulations. True love won't get weaker when the stresses get stronger." She swallowed hard. "For the one person, love will live on, even if it's not returned by the other person."

There was a length of silence after that statement. Naruto felt guilty at first, thinking that Hinata had cared about him, but he hadn't cared about her. But, that was unrealistic. He hadn't been ready to love anyone in that way. And, no one should have to love a person, simply because that person had fallen in love with him. Sakura had been the apple of his eye back when Hinata had been dreaming about him. No, with that hair color he should say grapefruit or watermelon. The inside part. They were pink. Nevermind! As he realized before, he had been driven by infatuation, not love.

"Love is not provoked." Hinata wasn't going to dwell on the past. She would live in the moment, and hold out hope for a better future. "By that I mean-" She tried to think of a good example.

"Love has a very long fuse." Naruto made a hissing noise and suddenly clapped his hands together loudly. That had Hinata jumping in her seat. "Love shouldn't go b-o-o-m." He felt a bit childish when he saw Hinata tapping one fingernail against the side of her tureen. Who did he think he was, Deidara? "Sorry... please continue..."

"Love doesn't get irritated or angry," Hinata said. "It isn't easily offended." She looked down below and caught sight of the elderly gentleman who had been put down by his 'Missus'. He was walking away alone, after throwing down more money than was needed to pay for his unfinished meal. The man sarcastically asked a random male diner "Do you know that look a woman gets when she wants sex? Me neither!"

"Tell me about it," another man said unwisely. He was sitting there with his wife.

The wife calmly took out her compact, and fixed her lipstick. In an even tone of voice she said "Ladies, have you noticed that sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you're going to get, or how long it's going to last." A number of ladies held their wine glasses up after hearing that.

"Men-" Another man felt compelled to come to the stuttering man's aid. "Don't have sex with women. That might lead to kissing, and pretty soon you might have to start talking to them." There was a reason that he was having dinner alone.

"Don't let that kind of stuff bother you, Hinata." Had he been his younger more volatile self, he might have stood on the balcony railing and chastised the squabbling diners. "Let me guess what you might have said next-" He turned his view away from the scene below. ""Love doesn't behave in a rude and disgraceful way."

"Right," Hinata said. "It should be tactful. It shouldn't embarrass people. It should have-"

"Good manners," Naruto said. He had dunked a part of his roll into his stew and gulped it down. He licked his finger after saying 'manners'. "Uhhh-hh-h... yeh..."

"Mmm _Hmmm-mm-m_." Hinata smiled. That had been precious. She wasn't offended. There was no need to be judgmental. "And... one more thing I remember thinking very often... love should be forgiving." She went on to speak more about her ideal relationship.

Naruto had to admit it, he was entranced, listening to the white-eyed girl talk. He loved to talk about jutsus. He loved to talk about food. He loved to talk about anime and manga. But, he had never been so touched or inspired as he was at that moment. A girl with no experience in romance, talking openly and honestly about her dreams and wishes. Maybe she was the one and only girl he should choose. Then again, maybe she was the last woman to pick. Would she still hold the same dreams after she had her first sexual encounter out of necessity? What would happen to the hope that she held in her heart?

"I'm-..." Hinata seemed a bit winded. "I'm sorry..." She watched as the waiter and a busboy brought a tray of desserts up the stairs. "I talked for a long time." But, despite the context she found herself in, she felt refreshed, lighter in spirit.

"No. It was great. And... I think... it was important to hear all that." Naruto spared a glance for the waiter. That wasn't the same guy. There was something familiar about him just the same. He stood there alone, after the busboy headed back downstairs. "After hearing all that... and seeing how much you care about love..." He sighed. "I suppose I should cross you off of my list, just like I did with Sakura."

"But... But..." Hinata spoke in hurried fashion. "But... I don't want to be protected..." She was not some shrinking violet. Not anymore. "I... I need to... I need to be the one who makes my own choices."

"..." Naruto didn't know what to say. He had never seen Hinata that adamant before. But, she was arguing for something that he knew she couldn't want.

"I never-" Hinata still spoke as if she were under some kind of compulsion. She was, in a sense. All of the self-loathing she had felt over the years was floating up to the surface. She didn't want to feel the same way that she once had. Even when faced with something so earth-shattering, she felt driven to face things head on. "I never wanted things to be like this. You... you don't... you don't want this either. But you're still willing to stand up and do what has to be done."

"It's different for me, Hinata." Naruto didn't feel as if he could make claim to any great deal of courage. He could make a choice, but had no choice about choosing. "I _have_ to... you know..."

"You could fill the board with blanks." Hinata wasn't willing to hear Naruto put himself down. "You could kill people you wouldn't ever know, not remembering a thing. You could take risks, putting the village and everyone in it at risk, too." She blushed. "You could do... do what a lot of boys might do... ummm..."

"Choose the hottest babe," Naruto said. "One I couldn't get otherwise." Maybe some guys really _would _do something like that. Most would probably talk real big, but backpedal when they were the one on the spot. "Sow my wild oats and brag until I was too hoarse to talk."

"Y-Yes," Hinata replied. "Or... you could have made your choice without asking questions... and..."

"Never bother talking to the girl or girls I might choose." Naruto sighed. He and Hinata were so caught up in their discussion, that they both overlooked the waiter. The strangely familiar man took a fork out of his pocket and began digging into a large peach cobbler.

"You want to do what's best for everyone," Hinata said. "So do I. If that means... if I... if-" She ran down. He bravery and civic nature could only keep her spirit up for so long. "We put our lives on the line as ninjas. What kind of person would I be, if I am unwilling to put my dreams on the line, too?" If _she_ did this, no one else would have to.

"If only we had more time... maybe... if we got to know each other better..." Naruto began feeling melancholy. "As things are now... it's just like a double bind... a no-win situation."

Naruto-kun?" Hinata cicked her head.

"Say a person gets a message from his boss. Then, he gets a second message that negates the other." Naruto took another sip of wine. "The company rule is that he has to respond to any message he gets. If he responds correctly to the one message, he will also be responding incorrectly to the other."

"O!" Hinata got his point. "It would be like being on a mission. Your leader will kill you if you ever question one of his orders. He will kill you if you disobey. He orders you to follow a stupid and suicidal plan that has no chance at success." She thought about something that he had said. "Do you... do you think it would be possible to get more time? You _did_ get more choices."

"Good idea, Hinata!" Naruto slapped both hands down on the table. "I'll call for that idiot enforcer!" He took a deep breath. **"HEY-"**

"There's no need," the waiter said. "I'm right here... and I'm not hard at hearing..." The waiter morphed into the enforcer, retaining the same bistro uniform. The fictional construct smiled, watching the boy stammer. Idiot, indeed. "Just because of that nasty comment, the answer is 'no'." He put the trays on a cart and pulled the wheeled contrivance close to the table. "I'll take care of this for the maitre d'. The desserts here are to die for! This one here is-"

"Sir," Hinata spoke up. She hated interrupting people. "Naruto-" She was about to say that 'Naruto didn't mean to be rude', but that wouldn't be entirely true.

"For you, the answer would be 'yes'." The enforcer smiled. "But we'll get to that later. _If _you don't faint before I finish going over the desserts." He picked up a butter knife and tapped it against the side of a small plate holding a donut-shaped pastry. "_Quindim._ Made with lots of eggs and sugar infused with coconut. Scrumptious." He tapped on another. _"Beingets._ Only the freshest dough. Marvellous." The large squares of dough were topped with mounds of confectionary sugar." He tapped again, this time on a flat shallow bowl. "_Umm Ali._ Light, airy, and incredibly tasty, better than any bread pudding could _ever_ be. Superb!" He then grinned a shit-eating grin. It was time for the first test. "And this... this wonderful double layer cake..." He paused without offereing a more precise description. "It reminds me of something that changed my world forever." He created a handkerchief and dabbed at the corner of his eye."

"..." Naruto and Hinata looked at one another without saying a word.

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life." The enforcer watched Hinata carefully. "I said, sex life." He looked over at Naruto, expecting him to get all blustery and come to the girl's defense unnecessarily. But, he held his temper admirably. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top, and the woman goes on the bottom'. For years after that, my wife and I slept in bunk beds!" A man on a drumset downstairs hit a rimshot.

"..." Neither Naruto nor Hinata said a thing.

"What a tough crowd." The enforcer laughed. "I guess I better not give up my day job." He winked, and was suddenly wearing a bizarre outfit. His hair curled up, and then grew down to the middle of his back. Microphone in hand, he sang terribly off key after pointing at a more commonplace dessert:

"_She's my cherry pie,_

_Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise_

_Taste so good make a grown man cry_

_Sweet cherry pie, yeah_

_WOAW!_

The enforcer spun his microphone on its cord and said "Naruto, make sure you explain the song for the lady!"

_Well, swingin' on the front porch, swingin' on the lawn_

_Swingin' where we want 'cause there's nobody home_

_Swingin' to the left and swingin' to the right_

_I think about baseball, swing all night, yeah, yeah_

_Huh, swingin' in the livingroom swingin' in the kitchen_

_Most folks don't because they're too busy bitchin'_

_Swingin' in there 'cause she wanted me to feed her_

_So I mixed up the batter and she licked the beater_

"Ummm-mm-m-" Naruto felt his throat go tight. He didn't really need to explain things, _did_ he?

_I scream you scream we all scream for her_

_Don't even try because you can't ignore her_

The enforcer blinked again. All of the busboys were there, along with the owner, waiters, cooks, salad girls, and one lucky customer. Each was dressed like a famous Hair Metal band member. They joined in the singing, strutting and turning in place. The customer played air guitar. Badly.

"_She's my cherry pie,_

_Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise_

_Taste so good make a grown man cry_

_Sweet cherry pie, yeah"_

The enforcer saw no reason to take the song any further. Hinata had blushed up a storm, but did not come close to fainting. He sent the bistro staff back from whence they came. "I thought that licking the beater part would get you for certain. You _do_ know what that meant, don't you." He looked content when she quickly nodded her head. He turned to Naruto. "She's a good one. You might think about renting her, with an option to buy."

"Hinata's not a house or a car!" Naruto was indignant. "If we were to start a relationship with her, it would be all or nothing!" He coughed. "I mean... I would care for her from start to finish... I wouldn't simply want to try her out and see if I like her... I mean..."

"But you'd get the best end of the bargain," the enforcer said to Hinata. "The boy's noisy, clumbsy, and intellectually challenged, not to mention a fashion disaster."

"That's not all that Naruto is!" Hinata bit her lip. That certainly hadn't come out right. "I mean, Naruto is much better than that!"

"Very nice," the enforcer said, clapping his hands. "You both pass." He put his hand to his ear and listened. When he was finished, he said "You wanted more time... time to get to know each other _before_ you get to know each other better... if Naruto makes a certain choice."

"Yes," Naruto said. "But I know there must be a price to pay. That's the way that things work in this story."

"Right," the enforcer said pleasantly. "Here's how it goes. You two will need to script the story, and you'll have to write yourselves in as a couple. That's all you will have to do, to get an extra week. You don't have to script anything beyond your relationship. World-building is still optional. _And_... for every two people you can convince to voluntarily pair up in the subsequent story, you get an extra week, up to a maximum of twelve weeks."

"I see." Hinata made a steeple with her hands. "This is all... it's still difficult to-"

"Can we have time to think it over," Naruto asked. "You know... first, if we want to... you know... together..." He sat up straighter. "And... if we choose that... to be able to think things out together, to see how we want the world to be?"

"Fine," the enforcer said. "You've got until midnight." It was close to eleven o'clock. He smirked when Naruto and Hinata looked around for a clock. "Midnight tomorrow night. Toodles." With that, he disappeared. He popped back in again and told the two stunned shinobi that the desserts were his treat before vanishing once again.

"I guess we could talk some while we taste these," Naruto offred.

"Hai!" Hinata felt as if a stay of execution had been lifted. She couldn't be certain what she or Naruto might decide in time, but they both had better opportunity to search their souls and come to a well thought out conclusion.

The two of them talked about the things that they liked about life, and about the things in the world that made them sad and angry. Naruto brought up the subject of the Hyuuga clan in general, and whether or not Hinata wanted him to do something as the new author, or as Hokage if he made himself the village leader. They spoke at great length on that topic, right up until a bell rang. There were thirty minutes until closing.

"Uhhh-hh-h-" Naruto debated with himself. There was a topic he couldn't afford to forget. But, things were going so well now. He didn't want to spoil things. No! If he spoke now, he would be ceratin. And, it might be something else that Hinata would want to give thought to. "There's something else we should talk about. You know... well... it's very important." He folded his arms across his chest unconciously. "I need to be responsible. No, we _both_ do. I want to make sure that you're okay, no matter what."

"Responsible? O!" Hinata blinked rapidly. She knew what Naruto was leading up to. Protection. Prevention. Birth control. Tears began to fill her eyes. She couldn't help herself.

"Wait! It's OK. I'm sorry if I rushed things." Naruto felt stricken, as he watched tears course down Hinata's cheeks. "We can do this later, if the two of us choose to-"

"No. I'm fine, Naruto-kun." Hinata sniffed. She began rummaging inside of her pocket book. She was out of tissues. "It's just... you see... I'm really touched. That's kind of a scary subject... but you were worried about me. You really care. I matter. I've... I've never felt that way before..."

"Here-" Naruto put his hip pouch on the table top, unceremoniously knocking his stew bowl aside, sloshing food on to the tablecloth. "I have some." He meant tissues. He was certain there were some left. He just needed to talke somethings out first. His swollen frog purse. The lucky shuriken that Jiraiya had given him. A pack of his favorite gum. The two bottles that Shino had entrusted to him.

"Hmmm?" The bistro lighting reflected off of one of the crystal phials, making it sparkle like jewelry. The flash caught Hinata's attention. "What's that?" She picked up the nearest bottle and looked at it. The appearance piqued her curiosity. She took the stopper out. "Is this cologne?" She wondered what type of scent he might favor. That was important to know, if she needed to think of a gift for him someday.

"Huh-" Naruto spasmed. He spilled the contents of his pouch across the table. Which bottle was it? At least she had only taken a small sniff and put the top back on.

"O my!" Hinata remarked without thinking. "My nipples got hard!"

'N-" Naruto never had a chance to speak. He sat back so quickly, that his chair tipped over. When the metal struck the balcony floor, it sounded like a gun had gone off.

"Are you alright, Naruto-kun! Hinata stood up, pushed away her own seat, and rushed to help her dinner partner. After a few steps, she realized what she had said. She passed out again, and sprawled on top of Naruto.

"Would Monsiuer like the check now or-" The waiter had come up to check on them. He saw the young girl laying atop the young man. "Very good, sir. I'll be back in a few minutes." He clicked his heels together and went to check on some other diners.

"Hinata!" He tried to push her up gently. Just like in his favorite harem animes, he had chosen something soft to push on. "I didn't mean to!" At least she was still out cold. But, the same couldn't be said for a certain part of his anatomy. This was a very bad time to get an erection. "It's not my fault!" He created a number of clones, who carefully saw Hinata back to her seet,

"Urrr-" Hinata slowly came to. While she was out, Naruto had hurried to put the bottles away. If the two of them decided to do the deed, he would make mention of the pheromones. They had been through enough for the moment.

"Welcome back," Naruto said. He had put a napkin over his crotch area, just in case Hinata did the unthinkable and looked down at his lap. Yes, it didn't make any sense. Not in real life, and usually not in anime. But, he didn't want to take even one chance in a million. "You... uh... you dozed off." It was a gentlemanly lie. He certainly wasn't going to say 'you passed out after talking about your nipples'.

"I-" Hinata knew better than that. Her memory was just fine, thank you. "O... I did?" She could play along. It was great that Naruto was trying to look out for her again. "Yawnnnn-nnn-nn-n."

"If you're tired," it might be best to get you home." He was being serious. It _was _getting late. Shinobi didn't stay up too late on nights before practice sessions. "But-" He sounded kind of deflated. By coincidence, Hinata felt the same way.

"Things were going so well..." Hinata blushed. For a moment, it had felt like their time together had been a date. She knew better than that. She needed to keep a good grasp on reality. "We... we were actually talking about things... I don't know-"

"If we can start up that well next time," Naruto said. "That's what I was thinking, too." He thought a moment, and then smacked his fist into his palm. "We're young. We can handle it. If you like, we can find a safe place and talk some more." He nodded his head. "If you need to check in at home-" He looked over at Hinata. It was close to the witching hour. Maybe she would want to call it a night anyway. Maybe she had a curfew.

"I-" Hinata felt frightened for a moment. What would her father say, when she went home and let him know where she was going. No. There was no time to worry about that. Things were going well, and she had a duty to perform. Yes, it was a duty. A duty that might become something more. She didn't want too much idle time to overthink things. She didn't want to get spooked by some kind of dream. "I think we should strike while the iron is hot."

"Great!" Naruto felt excited. "You're much cooler than I thought." Once again he had blurted something out. But, it was true. "So... you can run home... and I'll head over to my place and get a note pad. I want to write our ideas down." He named a good place to meet.

"Sure," Hinata said. "I will be there. Even if my father says I can't." She swallowed hard. She didn't feel as brave as she sounded. Nevertheless, she had given her word. Somebody might get hurt if they tried to stop her.

They parted ways at that, after Naruto finished paying the bill. He headed back to his apartment at a flat out run, feeling energized. Nearing his home, he slid to a screeching halt. Like a siren song, the smell of pork ramen caught him by the nose and drew him closer to the source.

The _Ichiraku Ramen_. It was still open. The last customers were leaving. He might be able to grab a quick bowl, seeing that he had never gotten around to eating much of the fancy fair at Kismet. Both Ayame and her father were there.

"Yo!" Naruto hopped up on a seat. He would chow down quickly on one bowl! No more than that. He would eat fast with no talking. It wouldn't be considered rude. He did that sometimes.

"Well, look who it is." Ayame showed up and put on the apron she had just hung up. "You don't usually eat this late." She walked over and picked out a clean bowl. "Are you busy thinking about... you know-" She looked uncomforatble. As far as she knew, her name was still in play.

"Yeh," Naruto said. "This has been rough. It's rougher than the Chuunin exams were. It's almost as hard to deal with as Pain." In some ways, it was much harder.

"Father! A big one! Naruto's here!" She smiled. "You know the type!" It wouldn't just be pork ramen. It would be a bowl overflowing with food, just like the bowls that she had given him before his fight with Neji, and after his confrontation with Nagato.

"It doesn't have to be that big, old man," Naruto called out. Ayame almost tripped over a stack of empty dishes, hearing that. Naruto? Asking to have his meal down-sized? "I have to hurry home." He explained why. Aside from his pad and pencil, he wanted to gather up all of the notes that he had written down earlier in the day.

Ayame teased him about girls in general and Hinata in particular. He was too distracted to fight back the way that he usally did. He laughed when Ayame recalled something that he had said once.

"Peace through pork ramen!" Ayame smiled a pretty smile. "You once said that people would stop fighting, if they all tried pork ramen. Remember? You said that ramen fans would never fight other ramen fans."

"That's right," Naruto recalled. "If I end up writing history, I can put a Ichiraku franchise in every village. Maybe two or three apiece." He was kidding, but rubbed his belly just the same. It was a pleasant dream, knowing there would be good food no matter where he might go. "Big buildings! Neon lights! Claw machines! Talking mascots!"

"No thank you," Teuchi said, bringing out the noodles. "I'm happy with things the way they are." He figured that Naruto would never expand his ramen empire , since the young man had a thing for nostalgia. He had been in a blue funk for weeks, seeing how the_ Shinra Tensei_ heard round the world had wiped out the original ramen shop. "On a more serious note, I have a word of advice for you." He began leafing through a pile of journals, magazines, and coupon fliers that had been tied up for trash day. "I read it in a recent abstract ."

"Abstract?" Naruto started to slurp in a noodle and stopped. He spoke with ramen in his mouth. "Rut rind rov ra rabract?" He gulped. "I didn't know that ramen owners had a journal or something."

"They don't," the old man replied. "I was studying sociology and anthropology before I decided that there was more money in noodles. I've made it a point to keep up on those subjects." He found what he was looking for. _Konohagakure Journal of Anthropology and Sociology_. Winter of 2010. Volume 4 number 6. page 112. "Here." He opened to the page in question and read aloud:

_Contrary to conventional wisdom, it is not always advantageous to engage in thorough conscious deliberation before choosing. On the basis of recent insights into the characteristics of conscious and unconscious thought, we tested the hypothesis that simple choices (such as between different towels or different sets of oven mitts) indeed produce better results after conscious thought, but that choices in complex matters (such as between different houses or different cars) should be left to unconscious thought. Named the "deliberation-without-attention" hypothesis, it was confirmed in four studies on consumer choice, both in the laboratory as well as among actual shoppers, that purchases of complex products were viewed more favorably when decisions had been made in the absence of attentive deliberation. _

"In other words," Ayame said for her father. "Don't worry too much about everything you've heard. Be who you are. Let Hinata be who she is, if she chooses to do this with you." She shook a finger at him. "Don't worry about everybody. Don't worry about all of the details. Do what's right, and things will take care of themselves."

"Trust in your gut," Teuchi said, chuckling at his choice of words. "It's done you well before. In here-" He swept his arm, taking in the entire shop. "And, out there." He moved his arm in a flat arc, pointing to the outside world.

"My gut," Naruto said, patting his newly bloated belly. He fought off a belch. "You bet!" He hopped up to head on his way. That may have been the best advice that he had heard all day. He wasn't annoyed that he had listened to so many other thoughts and opinions. He had heard a lot of important and interesting things. And, he honestly felt as if he had done due diligence. "Gotta go guys-" He started running the moment his feet hit the floor. He stopped shortly thereafter.

"Don't worry about paying," Ayame said, mistaking his inaction. "That one was on the house."

"No. I just had a thought. I didn't want to out-run it." The idea having taken form, Naruto began jogging before working up to full speed again.

"What was it," Teuchi called after him. "What was the thought?"

"When I stop at home," Naruto called out. "I need to get a couple of pillows."

"What!" Ayame's voice rang with shock. "I thought you and Hinata were just going to talk!" She jumped to conclusions. "The two of you... the two of you are going... the two of you are going to-" She couldn't spell it out entirely. "Tonight!"

"Of course not!" Naruto stopped and turned. He shook his fist at Ayame. "Hinata's not that type of girl. I'm not that kind of guy. It's not-"

"Your Ninja Way," Teuchi said in droll fashion. "Then what are the pillows for?"

"Hinata has a habit of fainting," Naruto replied. "I don't want her to end up with a head injury or something." He was being serious, as crazy as his idea might sound.

"Just what are you going to talk about that will have her fainting?" Ayame didn't like the sound of things at first. Then, common sense took over. They were speaking about Hinata. The same Hinata that had a habit of passing out when she simply _saw_ a certain someone.

"She'll probably black out when I ask her how many children she might want." Naruto smiled. He couldn't believe that he was going to bring that subject up. But, if they were going to script their future, what thing was more important than family? They had both been denied a great deal. Never again! Not them, and not their children. Oops. He was putting the horse before the cart there. No bigee.

"And what else?" Teuchi was familiar with the whole gamut of Naruto's vocal nuances. He knew that the boy had some kind of joke stashed away, right next to his kunai and explosive tags.

"I'm pretty sure she'll pass out when I ask if we should get an instructional video!"

**FINIS**

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Postscript:

**The song lyrics in this chapter originated from:**

_I'm In You _by Peter Frampton (1976).

_Cherry Pie_ by Warrant (1990).

**The quote found on Google came from the following:**

_On Making the Right Choice: The Deliberation-Without-Attention Effect._

Ap Dijksterhuis, Maarten W. Bos, Loran F. Nordgren, and Rick B. van Barren.

Science 17 February 2006:

Vol. 311 no. 5763 pp. 1005-1007

**Also:**

Many of the salesman's words came directly from the Googled website for K-Y brand products. Their inclusion is meant as another quirky turn for the story-and an opportunity to add more stuff from the anime- not as a pitch for any type of product.


End file.
